Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once | Task 003 (I)
I want it to be different this year. I want to make a promise that I can actually keep and not just something that's expected of me.
What's a resolution again? Oli says it's a promise to do an act of self-improvement. That's odd. If I could improve myself, I would have by now. I would have done everything I can to make myself as close to perfect as I can by now, so there's no point in making a resolution for it.
But what if I resolved to do something more tangible than self-improvement?
I want to find my mum and my dad. I need physical proof that what I feel isn't wrong. It can't be wrong if there is no blood shared. I'll have to ask Oli's mum and dad about my birth parents. I don't remember much, but I remember a little bit of it. I remember how it hurt in the middle of the night.. I remember how it hard it would be to walk in the mornings... I remember the blood spotting the sheets that weren't ever really mine.. I remember the cigarette butts being pressed against my chest.. but that isn't my dad. That wasn't my father. I need to find my parents. I need to know them so that I can feel reassured about the rest of my life. It won't be self-improvement, I don't think. It would be more like life-improvement, and that's just as good, right? 2014 might even be the year that I follow through with my New Year's resolution.
There's.. there's another thing I want to do. I want to find him. I want to find the one who made me like this. I want to find the one who made me so weak, so pathetic. I want to find him and I want to hurt him. I want to kill him slowly. I want to torture him for what he did to me. I was only a kid and he.. he..
Even if I don't find my mum and dad, I have to find him. I have to find him and give him what he deserves. I have to find him and make sure he never makes a victim out of another little kid ever again.
He'd been having a hard time the last six months. She knew that. Most people close to him knew that. Although he'd been hiding it pretty well, at least after the initial shock of Stephanie leaving him, Jessie could tell that he was still hurting. And after everything that he's done for her, she knew this could be a moment to do something for him.
Although it was just a weekend in Vegas, the whole point of it was to get away from everything that was troubling him. At least for a few days. It seemed to be working. Jessie hadn't seen that smile in a long time. He seemed to even relax in his sleep. On the first night, she was surprised that things had led to them having sex. It hadn't necessarily been something that she'd planned out. There were other ways of comfort. After all, she'd been in the business of giving people what they needed most since she was 18. But it seemed to take some sort of weight off his shoulders. Not the typical frustration in men that she sometimes sees when they come ask for the services of her girls, but something else. As if it was just that kind of communication and connection that he needed at the moment so he really could relax. Let go.
Whatever it was, Jessie was glad that she persuaded him to come with her. For those few days, she'd never seen him to open. It's like he was finally sick of pretending. Although she was grateful that she was able to help him in that way, Jessie only wished she could help him in others.
When he dropped her off at her house and carried her bags up to her bedroom, he was quiet. Almost a little melancholy. Like he didn't want to be going home so soon. Jessie placed a hand on Tony's arm. "You can stay the night if you want."
He seemed to consider the option, looking at her bed, but finally shook his head. "I should get home." He sighed, pulling her in for a hug. Although it was his arms that engulfed her, after a few moments, it was Jessie holding him, with his face buried in the crook of her neck and his arms around her waist. Her fingers combed gently through his hair, like they had done every night during the weekend as he fell asleep. Tony finally picked his head up after a while and kissed her one more time. "Thank you for inviting me. I really needed it."
Jessie smiled. "You're welcome. You know who to come to if you ever need anything..." She kissed his cheek and he nodded, looking down at the floor. She picked his chin up. He rolled his eyes at her with a smile. "Call me when you get home?"
Tony just nodded, taking her hand for a moment and then left the room. Jessie sighed. She just wished that she could give him more. Be the happiness that he so desperately needed. But she couldn't. And she wasn't. But she'd be there, just like this, whenever he needed it most.
PRESENT:
I see it in her face when I see her come in. The indecision. The conflict. Even if she didn't really recognize it herself. As I'm used to doing, part of me wanted to pull her aside and see what I could do to comfort her. But I was also her boss, and that wasn't my place. They made an agreement. One that neither of them could back down from. And if she treated one girl special, others would expect it in return. No matter how I love Lex, I can't treat her any different. But I see so much of myself in her that I want her to make a different choice when the one that I made. She's found something very special. A connection that you don't come across everyday and I wish beyond anything that I could release her so she could be free to make the decision I'm sure she desperately wants to. But I can't. And I won't.
But also, because part of my is selfish. Part of me never wants to let her go. But I'm in the business of giving people what they need, even if it means I lose something in return. And as soon as I can give it to her, she will be.
FUTURE:
It had been a few years since Jessie was finally able to release Lex from her service. She didn't really give Lex a choice in the matter. Jessie refused to let her carry on at Lotus House, gave her the last of her earnings and pushed her out the door. But that didn't mean that she didn't come back to visit from time to time, and with one or two little bundles, which is who Jessie was currently making cookies for.
When the two monsters came barreling into the kitchen screaming "Aunt Jessie!" at the top of their lungs, it put a huge smile on her face. This was the reason that she wouldn't let Lex make the choice to keep working for her. These two toddlers in front of her. They both looked remarkably like their dads, who were both on opposite sides of the world on tour.
That's usually when Lex brought them over to visit. When she needed company. More than that of just two raving children. She gave them both a sugar cookie and sent them outside on the patio to play as their mother entered the kitchen. They greeted each other with a tight hug then leaned against her counter, eating cookies and watching the kids outside the patio doors. These were the days that Jessie looked forward to most. Moments that she didn't have to be Madame Jessie of Lotus House. Where she was just Jessie. Although sometimes she was jealous of everything that Lex had now, Jessie was beyond content with the fact that she could help her get to that place. She wanted Lex to make the choices that she never did, and probably never could now.
But she was perfectly content with being considered an aunt for the rest of her life, if that was the closest to a mom that she was ever going to get.
I've always been one of those people, that refuses to regret the decisions that I have made through out my life. Especially the big ones. Whether they were good or bad, I was the one that made the decision and either way, I'm the one that would have to live with it. And even if it came out bad, I learned something from my mistakes along the way and would never do it over a different way. But if there was anything that I ever truly wished that I could do over, it would be my last few days with Amelia. If I had known about her fate, there are things that I would have wanted to say. Things that I would have wanted to do with her. So she knew. Really knew exactly how great of a friend that she had always been. More like a sister really. After her death, she became the reason for so many good things in my life, despite me having to live with this disease, and I never got to properly thank her for it. And I wish I could, more than anything.
PRESENT:
I've been staring at her bottle of pills sitting on the dresser for the last two hours. The very same pills that she accidentally overdosed on last week. I sound like a fucking hypocrite, wanting to do nothing more than to stand up from his bed, grab that bottle and flush them all. And then dig through the rest of her things that she left here and make sure she doesn't have another stashed bottle somewhere. And if she does, I'll get rid of those pills too. But there's a difference between me and Tay. She has so much more to look forward to. It wouldn't matter how many painkillers that I took a day.
There's a great chance that I'm not going to make it out of 2014. So what does it matter if I overdose or not? But I'm not going to let her go there again. Even if it is by accident. So I am going to trash them. And then call Athena and make sure she can't get anymore. That is, assuming Athena is the one that's supplying her. I could be wrong, but I'm sure that's not the case. I'm not going to let her to this to herself. It's bad enough the stress that she is going through watching me slowly deteriorate in front of her eyes. She didn't need this too. She is better than that. Better than me.
I can't let her do this.
FUTURE:
For a while there, they didn't think she was ever going to get to the top of the list in time. And after she did, it was all about finding a match. The wait for a match seemed longer to her than actually waiting to get to the top. And meanwhile, it was the little things that were getting harder. Walking up and down the stairs. Being able to stand long enough to shower. Staying awake long enough to actually get something productive done. Jenna spent most of her time sleeping these days, not having the energy to do much else.
For a while there, they didn't think she was going to make it, having contracted pneumonia right after the new year because her immune system has been so weak and unable to fight off any kind of bug or virus. Vic was the one that found her. He peeked inside the guest bedroom and she and Tay had been occupying for the last month and instead of being on the bed she was passed out on the floor, blood splatters in her hand. She woke up in the hospital with a oxygen mask on. She could barely eat, so she had to receive nourishment through an IV, and was too exhausted to talk. Jenna could barely even remember who had come visit her, other than Tay and Vic who hardly left.
After the pneumonia was gone, she was better for a while. Still tired, but seemed in higher spirits to go out and do things again. She would walk Maggie around the block. Sit outside with Vic's guitar and do a little writing. All the while, trying to hide how much pain she was really in. Her chest hurt all the time now, and the coughing fits were getting worse and more frequent. All her joints ached and there was even some foods that she couldn't keep down, so she was getting thinner.
Jenna knew she wouldn't last much longer like this. She didn't want to. In the couple weeks leading up to the call they got when they finally found a match, she spent most of her time talking to friends. Ones that came to visit. Ones that she had to call. People that she wanted to hear the voices of again. Her family obviously came up from Australia and were close by. And for a little time everyday, she just wanted to be alone with one of Vic's guitars. It was a song, one that she knew she needed to get on paper before time ran out.
When they finally had a match ready for her, Jenna didn't know what to think. Ever since getting out of the hospital after having pneumonia, her attitude towards death had changed. She was prepared for it. Had accepted the fact that if they didn't find a match for her soon, that there was nothing else that could be done. There was only so much she could do on her own.
But finally, here she was. Sitting in a hospital room with her family and closest friends as the doctors prepared for her surgery. If this was going to be the end, this was everything she wanted. For these faces to be the things that she remembers and takes with her. When the nurses came in asking if she was ready, Jenna handed Vic a few folded up papers. He looked at it, confused. "A song," she said with a weary smile. "It's not quite finished yet. You'll know what to do with it."
Jenna took as many hands as she could on their way out as the nurses wheeled her out of the room, Tay alongside the bed. As they got further down the hall, she could feel Tay's grip on her get tighter, until the nurses finally stopped and said she would finally have to let go. Jenna looked up at her with a small smile. "Stop worrying. Whatever happens, things will be okay. One way or another, I'll see you on the other side." Jenna knew Tay was holding in the tears just for her, and she appreciated it. The other woman leaned down and connected their lips one more time before mumbling an 'I love you' against them, and then finally let go.
She was calm as she looked up into the mask covered faces of the doctors and nurses bustling around her getting things ready. One of them turned on music at a low volume at one doctor's request. It was the soundtrack of Les Miserables. Jenna smiled. "Well, at least there will be great music playing if I don't wake up."
One of the doctors set a hand on her arm. "I'll make sure that you do." That was the last thing she remembered as the anesthesia finally took her under.
Five hours later, the same doctor exited the surgery room and slowly made his way down the hall, making sure the correct words were in his head before he brought the news to the friends and family. When he finally opened the door to the waiting room, he was taken aback at first. After having done this for so long, he'd never seen this many people waiting for after a surgery. And he doubted he would ever see it again. After spotting the parents in the crowd, he pulled them aside to deliver Jenna's fate.
Mentions: Stephanie Dearing, Athena Fuentes, Lex Dimera and Harry Styles
PAST:
A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other
Tony hadn't spoke to anyone for over a day, except when he absolutely had to. And when he did speak, it was with as few words as possible. Mostly, the guys tried to avoid him as much as possible. He didn't have the energy to tell the story again. He didn't even tell Mike the whole story to begin with when the drummer found him in tears nearly curled up in a ball in the bedroom of what was once, his and Steph's apartment. He left it up to the other man to let everyone know Tony wouldn't get out of bed. Wouldn't eat. And had no desire to talk. Lucklily, they still had two days left before Warped Tour started. They were stopping in Vegas tonight. Then heading to Salt Lake City for Production Day tomorrow morning. Then the first day of the tour after that.
He hoped he would at least be able to fake it by then. They all did. For the fan's sake. Dark circles under his eyes, Tony was laying his head on his arms as he watched an endless expanse of desert pass by the window. He was sitting by himself in the back lounge as he listened to the rest of the guys laughing up front. All three of the guys has tried talking to him, but neither were successful. He couldn't really tell them what happened between him and Steph. Why she asked Tony to leave.
If he would have known that that morning would be the last time he woke up next to her, he would have lingered in bed for a little longer. He would have made sure to memorize the little smile she usually on her face when she slept. The smile that would grow when she finally opened her eyes. The whisper that would leave her lips when she told him good morning. He would have done a lot of things different. He wouldn't have missed that fucking appointment when the therapist. And he would have told her that he loved her.
But now he was here. A hole in his chest, and little by little he could feel those walls building back up that Steph finally broke through when Tony told her the truth last year. A tear ran down his cheek, but he didn't move to wipe it away.
Everyone that has ever said they loved him, have always left.
He never did well when he was alone.
PRESENT:
If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
Tony was in love with her. He knew that. She knew that. But for some reason, Tony couldn't stop his head from getting in the way. His jealousy. His pride. And he was scared shitless that she was just going to wake up one day and decide that he just wasn't good enough for her. And he wouldn't argue. Most of the time, he knew it was true. He wasn't enough for her. She deserved someone confident. Someone as carefree and exuberant as her. Someone that wasn't boring. Someone that wasn't afraid. These days, that's all he seemed to be. Scared of the past. Scared of the present. Even the future.
This new openness that he's had with Harry is him trying to change all that. Trying to show her that although possessive, he didn't doubt the feelings that she had for him, the reason why she's almost walked out on him a few times over the last couple months. It's hard to believe he's only known her for four months. And even more extraordinary to believe that their relationship has come further in four months than in the four years that he was with Stephanie. Yet again, he scared him. Knowing that if anything were to really go wrong between them, there's no way he would be able to put himself back together again. But at the same time, he couldn't remember the last time he was this happy with so many things in his life. And he didn't want anything to change. Some days, the ones that they never leave the house and stayed close enough to feel each other's breath on their skin, he wished they could stay that way forever.
Tony reached over gently and moved the hair out of Lex's face. She shifted a little in her sleep, scooting closer to him. He smiled and wrapped an arm around her waist. Perhaps that fear of losing her, is the thing that will keep them together.
FUTURE:
So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see
In the last few months, Tony was beyond grateful for the time he lived with Jaxin and Natalie, and being Ruby's godfather, and all the time that he got to spend with her. Now, he looked back on it and saw that time as training. Because nothing else could have prepared him for this.
He remembered the first couple months after Lex told him. He was hurt. Jealous. And even thinking about leaving her. But he stayed. Despite how much the truth was a stab in the heart, he realized it would hurt more to leave her. So despite all that, he stayed. It was difficult for the three of them to fall into a comfortable living situation. At least it was for him. But the moment they he got to hold that baby for the first time, and she squeezed his fingertip, the passed nine months didn't matter to him. He'd never fell so hard, so fast.
While Lex was pregnant, he tended to be the one that was the most agitated. The one with the darkest moods. But after she was born, it was like night and day. He was the one that usually came in and calmed everything down.
While his band was on a touring break, Harry's wasn't. Although him and Lex were able to be home for a while, they were still busy. And it was rather frustrating for them both to juggle their careers and a six month old. So tonight, Tony took the crying baby from Lex's arms and demanded that they get out of the house and do whatever they wanted for the rest of the evening. A year ago, he would have hated it. When Lex was home, she was his. He could never quite feel comfortable when Harry was here. But things were different now. Tony had never felt so comfortable in his relationship with Lex. He knew that her heart belonged to him, and that's all that he needed to know.
He'd ordered pizza for himself, waiting for it to arrive while he watched her eat the little banana snacks that she loved. When the doorbell rang, Tony grinned. "Who's that? Let's go see.." He pulls her out of her high chair, pulling out money in his pocket on the way to the door. With the baby on his hip, Tony opened the front door and took the pizza box from the teenager on his doorstep. Tony hissed as the baby pulled on his braid that he started growing back when she was born. "Ouch. Careful, mija."
Tony reached over to set the pizza down on the hall table after handing the delivery kid a 20. "Dada..." he heard amidst a giggling babble.
He was so shocked, that he nearly dropped her. Tony's mouth fell open and he held her up. "Oh my god! What did you say?" He grinned bigger than he could ever remember, looking at the teenager glaring at him. "Did you hear that?!" The six month old giggled again, reaching for his braid.
"...fantastic..." the teenager muttered, handing Tony his change and leaving.
"Dada!" She raised her hands up with a smile.
Tony's mouth fell open again, as he laughed out loud, spinning her around in a few circles. She squealed in laughter. "Oh my god...I wish your mother was here." He considered calling Lex, but he didn't want them rushing home and getting enough time to decompress like they really needed to. "Your mama is gonna flip out," he grinned again.
He picked up the pizza box and headed back towards the kitchen. "Dada!" She pulled on his braid again.
"Ouch!"
A few hours later, Tony found himself being woken up by a kiss to his cheek. His eyes fluttered open to Lex smiling down at him. Katy was still asleep on his chest. "Hey baby," he whispered.
"Hey you. How was Katy?" she asked. He could hear the footsteps of Harry walking around behind him.
Tony grinned. "You're going to love this." Tony carefully sat up, trying not to wake her, but Katy shifted in her sleep and her eyes fluttered open.
Lex reached for her. "Hey mija." The six month old rubbed at her eyes with a pout, reaching for her mother with grabby hands. Lex took her and Katy laid her head on Lex's shoulder, looking up at Tony.
"Dada..." Katy whispered.
Lex gasped looking up at him. Tony chuckled, rubbing Katy's back. "Well, that happened while you were gone..."
"Oh my god!" Lex squealed. "Harry!" The younger man came out of the kitchen.
"Dada..." Katy whispered again. But Tony looked down at her, and Katy was pointing towards Harry in the kitchen doorway. All three adults mouths dropped in silence.
An eight year old girl, all dolled up in her favorite white dress, with long locks pulled back into a bow, stared up at her mother, innocent eyes wide with sadness and confusion. This couldn't be happening could it? Divorce. she didn't quite understand the word at all, but she knew it wasn't good. Knew that it met they wouldn't be a family anymore.
"No."
"Hayley, sweetheart, please just listen to me. I know this is going to be hard bu--"
"No!" The small child stomped her feet and balled her tiny fist, glaring up at her mother as tears formed and spilled down her cheeks all in a matter of seconds. "You can't! You can't get a deworce! Daddy can't leave!"
"He's not leaving you, dear."
Hayley covered her face and drug both small hands down the skin as if she'd been stressed out for the past few years of her short life, leaving bright red streaks to stain porcelain. Hayley was very attached to her father, they did everything together and if he left--
"Who's going to make the monsters go away?!" she was practically frantic, as her mother pulled her in for a tight hug and held her there, stroking the tiny girls hair. "I will sweetie."
"You don't do it right..." She whispered beneath the sniffles, too distraught to try pulling away.
Nineteen Ninety-Seven
"Hayley."
The preteen lifted her gaze from the notebook that lay in front of her and glanced over her shoulder at the tall muscular man she called her step-father. He slipped into the room and slowly shut the door behind him. She was familiar with this scene, it usually happened when he wanted to reprimand her for some idiotic reason. It wasn't like she ever really paid attention to anything man had to say, she hated his guts. All he ever did was beat her mother and talk down to her, what she saw in him Hayley could never come to understand. Still, as the child she had to at least pretend she gave a damn about what his views and opinions were.
"Yeah?" She asked, spinning around in her desk chair to face him fully. He'd barely taken three steps and his long stride had carried him to nearly stand over an eleven year old Hayley.
"Do you know when your mother gets home tonight?"
"Don't you have a li-"
"Just check your fucking schedule."
There was something strange in his voice, something that made her not want to question him. Hayley had no problem talking back to the man, she wasn't afraid of him-- but he'd hit her before and she wasn't exactly prepared to deal with that at the moment.
"Fine." She stood from her chair and stepped over to her nightstand, picking up a small green planner from the structure; only to have it knocked out of her hands when she was grabbed by the wrist and tossed onto the bed. Before she could react his left hand clamped over her mouth, rough fingers of the still free left yanking down her jeans. He hovered over her, the smell of cigarettes and sweat blinding every one of her senses.
Two-Thousand
Brrriing! Brrriing! Brrri-
"Hello, Williams residence." Hayley held the phone to her ear, index finger twirling in the cord long before the person on the other end had even began to speak.
"Christi..."
"No, this is Hayley. My mom's not here right now bu-"
"Hayley, Lanie's dead."
"Wh- what?"
"She... hung herself this morning. We found her body an--"
The phone slipped from her hands and clattered to the floor at her unclothed feet, nothing but the drawn out beep of a call lost and her shallow breath filling the eerie silence that had engulfed her.
Two-Thousand Three
She pushed a few strands of hair behind her ear nervously, staring at the odd colors of the carpet underneath her feet as the lady with the clipboard smiled sympathetically and stared her down; blue eyes burning a hole into her scalp. "Now Hayley, we're going to prescribe you two medications. You should take one pill from each bottle every night before bed and every morning before you go to school, okay?"
Hayley only nodded, still unsure of what was happening. Everyone had trouble making decisions, right? Everyone had a problem acting without thinking, sometimes. Yeah... everyone did, but she was just a little too abnormal. Everyone was everyone and she was Hayley. She was the girl who let her friend get rapped, she was the girl who was to weird to exist. She wasn't them and this medication, it was meant to make her them.
"Just give this prescription to one of your parents," The psychiatrist spoke calmly, ripping a small piece of blue paper from a notepad and handing it to Hayley; who took it with a shaky grip. "Have them take it to the nearest pharmacy. Don't worry dear, these will help even you out."
"Thank you." The teenager choked slightly on her own false appreciation.
Two-Thousand Six
They locked eyes and almost instantly her face went red with more than feelings for him; admiration, gratefulness, trust. Hayley had watched as Josh fiddled with his guitar strap until it was comfortable, they currently shared the same before-show jitters and had been looking for ways to fill the empty.
"A sold out show Hayls. Our first headliner and our first sold out show! Can you believe it?" The female grinned brightly, exposing the gap between her two front teeth and shook her head. "No, I can't. Who'd have thought practicing in your living room would lead to this?" Watching as he laughed, she tried not to vomit up the butterflies that flew crazy in her gut.
"You look nervous."
"I AM nervous. Aren't you?"
"Well yeah, but I mean, you're great so... we'll be great. We've gotten this far."
"Yeah. Let's say though, we get out there and we suck and this all goes to shit. we pack our bags and we go home. What then?"
"It was a good run."
Hayley searched his brown eyes for some kind of punch line, there wasn't one that she could see. As the rest of the band came clamoring excitedly through the door, the teen looked up at her boyfriend and shrugged playfully.
"Here's to looking like fools?" He asked.
"Here's to Paramore!" She exclaimed, the rest of the guys joining in with shouts of their own.
Jessie wasn’t allowed to go on dates. Not until she was eighteen. And even then, she not sure she would be comfortable bringing home a boy to meet her father. Especially considering his certain capacity towards violence. It wasn’t the boy that she would bring home that Jessie feared for. It was herself. Her father would never do anything to tarnish their “perfect family” in a public light. Which is exactly why would never hit her and her mother in places that couldn’t be covered up.
They were one of the most prominent families in the community, and she was one of the most prized girls in the church. And for it, she was ridiculed. By boys and other girls alike. Her life was so terribly cliche. The typical church girl that was sheltered and protected from everything in the outside world that her parents didn’t deem modest enough. But in the dark, inside the walls of her house, her life was a nightmare. But there was one thing that made it less of a nightmare, at least for the one hour that she was able to spend with him Monday though Friday. Mr. Bannister.
Her English teacher. He was young, just out of college and this was his first year teaching. Although her scores in English had always just been mediocre, since the beginning of this school year, they had been at the top of the class. When she walked in to his class the first day, just one look at him took her breath away. She’d never had any feelings for a boy before. Honestly, she was too scared to let herself get distracted in that way because the last thing that she wanted was her father to find out.
He was so passionate about what he did. He seemed to truly love teaching. And although this was a class that she always procrastinated before because the things that they studied constantly bored her, he was a rebel. Although the did the required readings, he wasn’t afraid to make the discussions more relevant to the life of a teenager. Especially a teenager growing up in times like these. Religion. Gender issues. Social issues. He made them confront it all. And it was the only class that Jessie was brave enough to speak up in, for the first time ever. She had always been the good girl that sits in the front row only because she didn’t want to talk to anyone else. Not that they would anyway. Because TV shows had it wrong. The kids in the back of the class were the ones with all the friends. The ones that wanted to be invisible, they sat up front so they wouldn’t have a reason to look at the person next to them.
The first time she spoke up in his class while they were debating about gender issues in America, you could hear a pin drop. Although he would never know it, My Bannister would always be the reason that she was brave enough to finally find her voice. When the bell rang that day, he called her name before she could reach the door. She held the books to her chest tightly, hoping he couldn’t hear her heart racing. “You did a good job today, Jessie.”
She looked down at her feet. “…thank you,” she said softly.
He stood up from his desk and walked around to the front, only a couple feet from her now. “Jessie…” She looked up at him. “We are quite similar you know. I used to be afraid of my own voice too. But you can’t be afraid of who you are.” He set a hand on her shoulder, and she swore she would faint any second. Boys didn’t just…touch her. Especially ones like the man in front of her. She clenched her teeth together. It was the only thing that kept her from bursting at the seams.
"Show them you are fearless. Wear it like armor, and they will respect you." All she could do was nod. He smiled that dazzling smile. "Go on now, before you’re late. I’ll see you tomorrow."
Jessie ducked her head and hurried to her next class. He touched her. He just…touched her. No boys touched her. Ever. She closed her eyes, hurrying to the bathroom. There was no way she was walking into her next class blushing as fiercely as she was.
Sometimes we become something out of necessity. Not out of choice.
Spring 1997
It was just a date. All they did was go to dinner and then a movie afterward. Although they had secretly been dating for almost a month now, there was no way her father could have known about that. And it wasn’t even that big of a deal. Jessie would never find out why he exploded the way that he did when she got home. He didn’t even see them kiss. In fact, Jessie refused to kiss him when they were anywhere near her home so something exactly like this wouldn’t happen. She wasn’t so much worried about what he would do to her, but what he just might want to do to him if her father did witness something like that.
The lights in the living room were off by the time she got home, a good twenty minutes before curfew. She was startled in the lamp in the corner of the room turned on. Jessie’s eyes widened when she saw her father sitting there. The look on his face made the hair on her neck stand on end. “Who is he?” he asked.
Jessie had heard her father angry before. But this was different. The tone in his voice terrified her. “…just a boy,” she said quietly.
He stood up, but didn’t move any closer. The whole living room was still between them. She felt the urge to run, but she couldn’t move her feet. “I always knew you were a slut…just like your mother,” he said quietly. He stepped a little closer, but still, she didn’t move. “How many times did you let him touch you?”
Jessie shook her head frantically. “I didn’t. We just-“
"Just what? What did you let him do? Did he take you somewhere in his car, then reach over and pull your head into his lap…?" The question hung in the air dangerously. She screamed slightly when he finally reached out and took a firm grip on her arm. "Did he?!"
"No! He didn’t touch me!"
"Liar!" A gasp left her mouth when he slapped her. "You wouldn’t be dressed like this if he didn’t. If you didn’t want it," he hissed, his face getting closer to hers. "Look at this." He grabbed her chin painfully between his fingers and rubbed his thumb across her lips. The pink lipstick she was wearing smeared. "You’re disgusting! I knew you would end up just like her!" He let go of her, slapping her again. This time it was much harder. Hard enough to send her tumbling to the floor.
"If you want to be a whore so much maybe I should show you what it’s like. Maybe next time to see him you can teach him how to be a man…" Still standing over here, Jessie wiped through the tears on her face to see him starting to untie his robe. "Get on your knees…" he commanded.
Terrified, Jessie shook her head and started crawling away from him. “Don’t you runaway from me. I thought this is what you wanted!” He grabbed one of her ankles and pulled her back. “I said get on your knees!” He grabbed her hair to pull her upwards. Jessie screamed, her hand lashing out in front of her.
"L-let me go!" One of her hands grabbed at his face and her nails dug into his cheek, hard, pulling away the first few layers of skin. He gasped in surprise, blood on his fingertips after he checked the wound.
"You little bitch!" His arm swung again, hitting her across the face. Once again she was sent onto the floor towards the fireplace. "Don’t you dare think about moving…" he started to step closer to her. Getting on her hands and knees Jessie reached for the only thing that she could. Her fingers taking a firm grip around the handle of the fire poker, she turned and swung it in his direction.
The first hit on his arm gave her enough time to get on her feet. Tears still on her face, it wasn’t the terror that was showing this time. It was anger. “Jessie…don’t-” She didn’t give him enough time to finish. She would never find out whether it was going to be a plea or a command. Honestly, she didn’t give a fuck. She kept swinging until he fell to the floor, unconscious. After dropping the poker she stumbled against the wall, panicking at the scene before her.
More tears running down her face because of shock more than anything else she ran towards the door, throwing it open and sprinted down the steps, across the front yard and down the street.
She never looked back.
There are days when it feels like everything is against you. That things were designed for you to fail, and they don't expect you to get back up again.
2009
I still have the dream sometimes. Not really a dream. A memory. Of when I woke up in that ambulance. I was so confused. I’d never been so terrified in my life. I was strapped down to a bed and the only thing that I had control of were my eyes. Everything was blurry. I tried to open my mouth and ask what happened, but no words came out. There was something jammed down my throat. I swallowed and could feel the tube scratch against the sensitive skin. I tried to lift my arms. I could tell that they weren’t tied down, but they wouldn’t move. The sirens were ringing in my ears. One of the paramedics finally noticed that my eyes were open. He leaned down to speak to me, but I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Tears fell down my cheeks. I could see blood on his gloves. My blood. Frightened moans erupted from my chest. They tried to calm me down. But only until you have been in that position can you understand that kind of fear.
When the ambulance stopped, I was pulled out the back. I no longer had to squint against the harsh light inside the rig. For just a moment, my panicking stopped. I saw the stars. An odd thought ran through my head and I went still strapped down on the bed. So strange, being able to see so many stars in the middle of Los Angeles. But then I was inside again, and had another ceiling with florescent lights to stare up into. More faces were standing over here. White coats. They said a lot of things that she didn’t understand. She constantly tried to ask what had happened, but it only came out in a string of strangled moans. Then there was a face of a woman over her. Her voice was soothing and eventually, I lost consciousness again.
The next time I woke up I wasn’t strapped down anymore. There was a steady beep in my ears. It was night. Once the room came into focus I realized someone was sitting next to the bed, a hood pulled over his head, hat in his lap. He was sleeping. I opened my mouth to say his name, but nothing but a slur came out. It woke him anyway. Tony took my hand. I tried to squeeze it, but my hand wouldn’t respond. I tried to ask what was wrong, and yet again, nothing but slurs. Tony tried to calm me down…but it didn’t work. I couldn’t talk.
That’s when I wake up. Always in the same place. A nightmare. But also a memory.
Jessie slammed her fist down table in frustration. The spoon fell from her hand, bounced onto the table and then the floor. The hit on the table caused the bowl of cereal to knock over and it spilled a puddle of milk and Cheerios all over the wood, stretched across towards Tony. He sighed and frowned at her. “You can do this, Jess. You had it…” He stood from the table and picked the spoon up from the floor, tossing it and the bowl into the sink and then cleaned up the cereal disaster before them. Jessie remained silent in a chair that she not only had to be strapped into to sit up straight, but she couldn’t even stand up herself. After he was done Tony bent down into a crouch in front of her and placed both of his hands on her knees. “Why don’t we take a break for a little bit? You want to go lay down?”
She nodded and waited as he unstrapped her from the chair, easily scooping her up and taking her the bedroom. She hated this. Hated that she couldn’t do any of this shit for herself. Thanks to that drunk driver she couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk and couldn’t even feed herself anymore. The doctors said she would be able to eventually. But how long was she going to be a child again? Angry tears threatened at her eyes when Tony laid her down on the bed. He pulled the comforter up to her chest and kissed her forehead. “I’ll be back in a little bit okay?” She nodded. “You’ll be okay. I promise,” and he made his way out of the bedroom.
She didn’t sleep. She wasn’t tired. Jessie was felt in silence again, trying to find someone to blame for all of this. It was easy to blame the drunk driver. She even won a nice little settlement of money because it actually was his fault. But whose fault was it really? What or who put her in the place that she was when she got hit by him. The answer was herself. She has just moved to LA a few months before. That was her choice. After a few moments she was able to turn onto her side and waited for Tony to return. Whatever it was that brought her to this, she hated it. And regretted it. She was just grateful that she had friends to help her through this. She wouldn’t survive without them.
Sometimes we meet people, and just know that they are going to change things.
2010
Jessie had only been back on her feet for a few months when Lex found her. At least somehow, that's what it would always seem like. Lex came to her the same way every other girl in her situation came to her. In auction. But the first time that Jessie's eyes fell on that pale face, she knew this one was different. She spent a little more than she was accustomed to at these events. Nearly twice as much actually. But at that moment, the money didn't matter. She wasn't going to let this one fall into someone else's hands.
It was the same deal as she had with all her girls that were there for the same reasons. The ones that she took in to give a haven. Pay off your debt and then make a choice. But Lex had always been different. When Jessie decided to chop off a big portion of Lex's debt off the top because of the insane price that she spent, she knew it was the right decision. This one just wasn't about business. There was something about this young woman that she latched onto and trusted like she couldn't any other girl in her house. It didn't take long for Jessie to trust her with the business completely while she was away.
As she sat on the patio, bundled up in a blanket against the cold to enjoy the clear night, Jessie was once again in awe of how much Lex reminded her of herself, and how grateful she was that this girl came to find her, and grateful to whoever sent her in the direction of Lotus House.
"Jessie...?" The blonde glanced behind her and smiled when the dark haired beauty came outside to find her. "Everything alright?"
"Yes, yes. Just enjoying the night." She smiled, waving the girl over to join her. She scooted over on the couch and motion for Lex to join her. The younger woman sat with her and she wrapped the blanket around her shoulders. "Slow night?"
Lex nodded. "I sent some of the girls home."
Jessie only nodded in response and was quiet for a few moments. "You know, one day, you're going to meet someone that will completely...change everything. You're not going to understand it. It may even terrify you. But I want you to promise me something." Jessie finally looked away from the dark water of the ocean and to the young woman next to her. "Take a chance. Because you deserve to be happy. And I want that for you." It was completely the truth. She hoped when the time came, that Lex decided not to stay. That there was someone out there that could take her away from all of this.
Lex didn't say anything in response. Jessie just wrapped an arm around her shoulders and leaned their heads together.
Mentions: Mike Fuentes, Jaime Preciado, Stephanie Dearing, Jaxin Hall, Ruby Dawn Hall, Lex Dimera
1996
There was a soft knock at the door. I stopped strumming to look up as my dad poked his head through the door. “Hey bud. How’s it going?”
I shrugged. “…I can’t get this part right,” I sighed, frustrated.
Dad smiled, opening the door to enter my bedroom and he sat across from me on the floor. “Want to play it for me?” he suggested.
I nodded, and started the song from the beginning. It was a classic song that Papa Soto had been teaching me how to play the last few weeks. But there was one part I couldn’t play because I my hands didn’t seem to be big enough. I just couldn’t get my fingers to move right. Whenever I watched Papa play it, it was perfect. Flawless. I wanted to be able to play like that.
And yet again, I messed up the same part playing it for Dad. I smacked the strings, frustrated. He just smiled. “Don’t worry, Tone. You’ll get it. Just keep practicing.”
"How do you know?"
"Because I know you. And because you’re my son. And because I’ve never seen you more happy than when you have that guitar in your lap." I smiled and he reached over to ruffle my hair. "Just remember, even Robert Johnson was a ten year old learning how to play too."
I frowned. “Wasn’t he the guy that Papa said sold his soul to play guitar?”
Dad laughed. “You’re different though. You were born to play, just like Papa. You’ll see. One day, you’ll be a guitarist in an awesome band that gets to travel all over the world and see things your mom and I never got to.”
"But…won’t you come with me when I do?"
He leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Promise.”
That last conversation was the only thing going through his mind while Tony sat next to his mother as the casket was lowered into the ground. It still hadn't really hit him yet. That it truly would be the last conversation they would ever have. Over the last few days during the moments his mother was trying to hide her own grief from him by crying softly behind closed doors, Tony would sit on his bed with the guitar in his lap, half expecting his dad to poke his head in for a listen.
But sitting there, watching that casket disappear, Tony realized that his vision was blurring. He reached up to wipe the tears from his face and swallowed hard. He couldn't let his mother see him crying. It was awkward enough when he didn't know what to do when she was crying. And somehow, it seemed easier to pretend that he was okay so she didn't have to worry about him. Tony wiped the rest of the tears quickly and reached over to take his mom's hand. She squeezed his fingers between her own.
They both stood up once the casket was far enough into the ground. His mother's breath hitched as she dropped a rose into the hole and went back to sit down once again. Tony stood there for a moment, the rose hanging between his fingers. He stared down at the casket, that conversation running through his head again. His heart burned. There's so many things he would miss. Graduation. His first girlfriend. Prom. College. His wedding. Having his own kids. How was he supposed to say goodbye to a father that he never truly had the time to appreciate?
"Son..." he heard his mother's soft voice behind him.
Tony blinked, remembering where he was. He dropped the rose into the hole and it landed next to his mother's. "I'll go everywhere you and mom didn't go and more, Dad," he whispered. "Promise."
2006
Tony stood in the middle of the empty room, hands stuffed in the front pockets of his jeans. There was a strange echo in the room. It looks so much bigger now that his whole life was no longer present. He spent the first twenty years of his life in this room. In this house. His first dreams were born in this room. Not very far from where he stood now, he sat on the floor and played the first chords on his first electric guitar. Those were the first moments that he ever thought it was possible to be in a band. And now here he was, leaving the room he spent so many years isolating himself in to do just exactly that. Be in a band. One that was signed and already touring.
Now he was moving in with the boys. The brothers that he never had growing up. He knew that this band was his ticket out of the void that was his adolescence, and Tony jumped at the chance. Not only would he have the chance to live a dream that he’s had since his grandfather handed him a guitar the first time at 5 years old, it was the chance to get away from the black hole that was constantly sucking the happiness out of his teenage years. Sucking the sanity out of it as well. He’d always been known as the quiet one. And being as quiet as he’d always been, meant that there were plenty of secrets to go around as well. And he was ready to leave those here and never look back. That was the last thing that he wanted to follow him to his new home.
Those were the real nightmares that he was running from. It didn’t have to a band that was calling to him. It could have been the worst job in San Diego, but as long as it paid him enough to have a bed that wasn’t here, he didn’t give a shit. Tony sighed, turning when Jaime poked his head in the room to ask if he was ready. He nodded silently, giving his empty bedroom one last look before joining the guys in the living room. It took three truck loads and a couple backseats of cars to move all his possessions to the new place he was moving into the with guys. His mother wasn’t taking very well to all this. Although she was definitely supportive and happy that he was fulfilling something he’d been talking about since he was a kid, it was the first and only time her son would be leaving home. Tony hoped to god that it would be for good.
He loved his mom. She’d always been a great mother. And he never blamed her for the things that she didn’t know that was happening. At least, he fucking hoped that she didn’t know. She hugged him tightly, silent tears running down her face. Still, Tony said nothing, only wrapped a single arm around her shoulders. When she finally released him, he tentatively turned to his stepfather. Nervously looking down at his feet, Tony couldn’t look him in the eye. After the years of dealing with his strong hand in the absence of his own father, Tony was still scared of him. The threats that he received at 13 still coming back to haunt him. Remained the reason for his silence. He was a happy and rambunctious kid at one point, just like every other boy his age. But now, it was like night and day. Invisible and soft spoken, he was mostly incapable of communication now. Unless it was in bed or while he was holding a guitar.
He glanced up at his stepfather’s sharp voice. “Be good, yeah? Don’t get into too much trouble…” he chuckled politely, looking at the boys behind him, who laughed with him.
Tony didn’t laugh. Nor did he smile. Flinching when the large hand clamped down on his shoulder, he cowered slightly. “Don’t be a stranger boy. Make sure you come visit your mother.”
"…yes, sir," he finally said, softly.
He laughed again, clapping Tony on the back. His mother came forward and hugged him one more time and kissed him on the cheek. As they moved toward the front door, the guys left the house to the cars. Tony turned to follow them when there was a painful vice on his arm. “Remember what I told you boy…” his stepfather’s voice was in his ear. Without looking at him, Tony just nodded. Once his arm was finally free, Tony hurried into the car with Jaime, releasing a long breath when he got into the passenger seat.
"You alright?" Jaime asked.
Tony just nodded. “Yeah…get me the fuck out of here.” His friend only laughed, backing out of the driveway. Leaning his head against the window, the further they got away from the house, the more weight that fell from his shoulders.
June 2012
Mike was on his way to pick him up. The bus was going to pick them up at 6am the next morning. Tony hated packing. Especially for tour. No matter how many things he packed, he would usually end up wearing some typed of combination of the same things every week. Same few shirts. Same few pants. And keep washing them again and again because he was just too lazy to dig through his bag for more options once he has the bag packed away. Tony pulled another shirt off a hanger, tossing it over his shoulder and onto the bed. A dozen shirts would be enough for two months right? He blew an annoyed raspberry sounds from between his lips as he lazily folded the shirts laying all over the bed and stuffing them into his suitcase.
The door to the bedroom opened with a soft creak. He glanced up with a small smile seeing Stephanie leaning against the doorframe. “Hey baby. Almost done packing.” He rolled over the bed to dodge his suitcase laying open on the floor and trotted over in her direction. She didn’t answer, only crossed her arms over her chest as he got closer. Placing his hands on her hips and leaned down to kiss her, but his lips ended up on her cheek instead of her lips. Tony’s brow furrowed in confusion. “…what’s wrong?”
Stephanie turned her head to face him again. She was clearly upset about something, but remained silent. “…what?” Tony asked again, already frustrated. This was how they argued. She would walk circles around him, giving him the exact look that she was giving him now and expect him to know what was wrong. But he never did. All of the problems that they’ve had over the year came down to communication, and he constantly felt like she accused it all on him. But he wasn’t the only quiet one in this relationship. He sighed. “Steph…what? I can’t read your mind.”
"Were you going to tell me?" she finally asked.
Running a hand through his hair. “Tell you what?!”
"The therapist just called me." Tony frowned, looking at the floor. His silence didn’t require any kind of accusation from her. He knew exactly why she was upset now. He suddenly found himself reeling backwards in surprise when Stephanie suddenly lashed out, her hands coming up to his chest and pushing him away. Taking a few steps back, his knees hit the bed and he landed on top of a pile of clothes strewn all over the bed. "You bastard! You promised me!"
"Jesus fucking Christ, Steph…" He’d never seen her react like this. They never once got abusive with each other. Physically, or verbally.
"Don’t start with me Tony!" she finally entered the room. When he reached for her, she stepped away from him. "Don’t!"
Throwing his hands up. “Okay…okay.”
"You promised me, Tony!” She pointed at him. He could feel the trembling in her voice. She was pissed, but upset at the same time. Stephanie had always been one of the people that cries when she gets angry, and that frustrated her to no end. “You promised! Why didn’t you show up yesterday? I know you weren’t here. Where did you go?!”
He couldn’t look at her. God he fucking hated arguments. He would do anything to avoid them at all costs. He just didn’t liked it once voices started to rise. It shut him down, and he would say whatever he needed so it would stop. He just wanted it to stop. “Steph. I’m-“
"Don’t you dare say you’re sorry. If you were sorry you would have told me. That’s one of the reasons we agreed that you would go. I don’t know how to get you to talk to me. It took you four years to tell me about your stepdad. Four. Years. I mean…do you not trust me? Is that what it is?"
"Of course not…" he muttered. "I trust you."
She knelt down in front of him, so she could see his face. “…then why don’t you talk to me? Why all the secrets?” Her voice hitched. The tone of her voice cut through him like a razor blade. As usual, he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to explain why. Tony opened his mouth to speak, but it was like a deer in the headlights. Whatever fear he felt, it took his voice and locked it away. Stephanie shook her head, releasing an exasperated sigh. He could see the tears starting to spill over onto her cheeks. “Say something!” She reached up and cupped his cheeks in her hands. “I don’t know how to help you, if you won’t talk to me!”
"I…" he hesitated. God he wanted to tell her. But every time he wanted it all to spill over, it’s like he became a mute. He wanted to find the words, but they just would never come.
Stephanie closed her eyes, hands moving from his face to his shoulders. “You won’t talk to me. You won’t talk to the therapist. I…don’t know what else to do, Tone. We can’t go on like this. I need you to talk to me, and it’s like you don’t even care.”
"That’s not true."
"I mean, have these passed few years meant nothing to you? It’s like I know you, but I don’t. When you love someone you trust them. You talk to them. You share everything with them." Stephanie looked back up at him. "Did you ever love me?"
Yes, of course he did. He wanted to say it. He wanted to say it so bad. But yet again, there was a block, and it’s like a weight was dropped on his chest and everything seemed to come into focus for a moment. It was such a powerful feeling, that the breath was knocked out of him and tears threatened to spill over the edge. “I…I-I don’t know. I don’t know…” Stephanie clinched her eyes shut and a painful sob emptied from within her chest. As the tears finally started falling down his cheeks, Tony’s trembling hands cupped her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll fix it okay…I’ll fix it.” He set his forehead against hers.
Stephanie shook her head, pushing his hands away from her, she stood up a put space between them. “I can’t, Tony,” she whispered. “I can’t do this anymore. You had four years of chances. I can’t help you if you won’t let me…”
"What are you saying?" he watched her, terrified.
Leaning heavily against the wall, Stephanie leaned over to take a calming breath. “I’m saying…” When she looked at him again, he knew what was coming. He never saw someone look at him like that. She just looked so…helpless.
Tony shook his head. “No…don’t say it.”
Stephanie bit down on her bottom lip, tasting the salt from her own tears. “I need you to go. And don’t come back…” When the words left her mouth and hand came up to try and keep another sob from escaping.
Tony was devastated when she said it. Words that he never wanted to hear. He’d become accustomed to life with her. It was easy. He loved her. At least he thought he always did. That’s what was supposed to happened right? Fall in love, move in together, and just live. But she was right. If he loved her, why couldn’t he talk to her? Everything was fine before he decided to spill some of his secrets to her. Then it was like they were different people all of a sudden. Like they didn’t fit together anymore. He stood up, stepping close to her. “I’m sorry,” he said in a painful whisper. He took her face in his hands again. “Please..give me another chance. S-Steph…please.”
She shook her head. “I can’t anymore, Tony. I think we both knew this was coming.” She reached up, moving the hair out of his face. “…I wanted to marry you…” she whispered.
He took her hand, laying her open palm against his cheek. “Stay with me…” he pleaded.
"…I can’t. Not like this." She rolled up onto the balls of her feet, pressing her lips to his very gently.
A small whine left his throat as he pressed their lips more firmly together. She squeezed his hand and then backed away from him and into the doorway. She gripped the frame, as if she had a hard time staying upright. “What you don’t take with you I’ll pack up for you…” Looking at him one last time, she looked as miserable as he felt. Yet again, he wanted nothing more than for the right words to leave his mouth, but none came. “Goodbye, Tone…” she whispered and with that, disappeared down the hall. After a moment he heard the front door of their apartment open and close softly.
It took a moment for the weight of the moment to sink in, and he couldn’t stand it anymore. Anxious breaths left his lungs and a strangled sob filled the room as he found himself sliding against the wall onto the floor.
That’s where Mike found him, with what felt like a hole in his chest. But it wasn’t because of what just happened. It was because he realized it had always been there. The empty space in him that he always assumed she had filled, had been nothing but a constant void. All these years, and he’d been in denial. Stephanie didn’t know who he really was. He didn’t even know who he really was now.
How was he supposed to fix something that he didn’t even realize was broken to begin with?
May 2013
Tony was really upset that he missed Ruby’s arrival by only one day. She was born less than 24 hours after leaving for Europe, and he had to wait for a month before he could actually hold her. He couldn’t remember the last time he was in this much of a rush to get home. He told Jaxin to not bother picking him up at the airport, that he would take a taxi home. Tony was practically bouncing in the backseat all the way there. As soon as they drove up to the house, the driver didn’t even have the car in park yet before Tony dropped a few bills into the guy’s lap and was out the door, dragging his luggage behind him.
He rushed into the house, leaving his bag at the door. He found Jaxin in the living room with a fussy baby in his arms. The man smiled. “There he is…” he said, swaying back and forth trying to calm her down. “She just woke up from a nap,” Jaxin explained. He looked down at the infant in his arms. “Tio Tony is finally home,” he whispered.
Rubbing his palms nervously on his jeans, Tony stepped forward, at first just staring at the child. She was much smaller than he imagined she would be. “Wanna hold her?” Jaxin asked. Tony didn’t look away from the little girl’s face as he nodded. Slowly, and carefully, Jaxin passed the little bundle over into his arms. Tony held his breath, worried that with one wrong move, and he would break her. The fact that she was still crying kind of freaked him out. How the fuck were you supposed to get a baby to stop crying? He was about to look up at Jaxin and asked him what to do when Ruby opened her eyes. The most amazing blue eyes. She looked at Tony, and her cries stopped. “Uhh…” Tony stuttered. Her not crying almost scared him more than the actual crying did. “Hi…hi there,” he whispered. Her little mouth turned up in a smile. Tony cuddled her a little closer to his chest. “Hey Ruby…I’ve been waiting to meet you.” Her little hand reached up touched his chin. Tony smiled.
This is what falling in love left like.
September 2013
She was only one of four faces that came to his door that night. They were all beautiful. All with big smiles. But there was something about her, that seemed to stand out. He barely had time to ask all of their names before their shirts were already coming off and they ushered him back into his room. Not that he remembered them anyway. He was too high on whatever Athena sent over for him to remember. In fact, he was pretty sure that he had to ask them each a few more times. Except her.
Lex. It seemed to fit her somehow.
There was something in her voice that he just latched onto. Something in her smile. Something in her eyes. He couldn't look away from her. And it wasn't just his drug induced state. When they laid together later, between the other sleeping girls, his drugged haze had long since wore off. Their legs were still tangled together and noses only inches away as they laid facing each other. He grinned as she giggled quietly, a hand covering her mouth trying not to wake the others.
Tony found himself echoing her own giggle. "Shhh," he tried to say, bringing a finger up to his lips. But it only made her giggle more. He went to shush her again, but ended up kissing her instead. But it still didn't stop the giggle escaping her lips. He rolled his eyes. He started lifting her arms and brushing her hair away from her neck.
Lex looked at him strangely. "What are you doing...?"
"Looking for a off button for that giggle before we aren't technically alone anymore," he said with a teasing smile.
Lex covered her mouth, trapping yet another giggle. "You're such a nerd."
"So I've heard."
Lex closed the distance between them and rubbed her nose against his. Tony hissed and recoiled a little, a hand covering his bruised nose. "...ow."
"Ohh...I'm sorry handsome."
Tony scoffed. "Not right now I'm not."
"They won't last forever. Your handsome doesn't change. Even with a mask of bruises." Lex went on the pepper gentle kisses over each of the wounds and bruises on his face.
Tony sighed beneath her fingers. He really wasn't looking forward to her leaving in the morning. His arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her a little closer to him. Maybe he finally found one that he wanted to keep around.
But I made it out alive
I’m here to say I breathe at least I try
I won’t go without a fight
You can’t stop me
They weren't take to a regular room where a doctor would normally see a patient. They were led to his office instead. At first she just assumed because all the rooms were full. But it was clear by the looks on her parents faces that they knew something wasn't right. When the doctor talked, he talked to her. Not to her mum and dad. Jenna was silent the whole time. For some reason, she felt like she should have known. She always knew there was something different about her. Although Jenna never quite expected it to be something like this.
She could tell her mother was really trying to muffle her tears as the doctor continued on and on about how to treat it. It was a strange feeling to let sink in. That someone as simple as a cough that just wouldn't go away would turn into something so life altering. Something that could actually take her life away from her. A life that she really didn't even know what she wanted to do with yet. And now, because of this disease, she was already hearing things she could and couldn't do.
Before her life was even hers it was being taken away from her. How was that fair? A few hours ago Jenna was musing over the thought of being 18 and being able to finally make her own decisions and not have anyone to dictate what she did with her life. All of that has been shattered now. She would never truly have control of it. She wasn't going to let something that wasn't even another person take that away from her. She was going to do what she wanted to do and that was that. She wasn't going to go down without a fight. And she wasn't going to let anyone, or anything, stop her.
I used to be scared, I used to be like you.
I used to care, then I came unglued.
Well, it's something we all have to learn to do.
It was a bit of a chore getting out of the house. Jenna’s mom made her triple check that her inhaler was in her pocket along with money and her keys. When they finally got to the venue the show had already started. She and Amelia didn’t waste any time jumping into crowd. Tonight, Jenna wasn’t worried about…well, anything. She almost fell probably a dozen times, but she laughed each time she caught her balance again. only a few songs in her hair was muddled and sweat dripping down her face. She felt the bass in her chest and even though she didn’t know the songs she found some way to sing along. By the time she and Amelia decided they needed a break, they pushed themselves up above the heads of the people around them and crowd surfed to the front. As Jenna fell into the arms of a security guard the lead singer reached out and took her hand for a few seconds and she was set on her feet and pushed to the side.
A few minutes later as the stag crew set up for the next band, Jenna and Amelia leaned against the bar, catching their breaths and sipping on cups of water. Hair was stuck to their faces. Jenna wiped the wet hair from her face and laughed. “That was great.”
Amelia nudged Jenna’s shoulder with her own. “Happy birthday.”
"Thanks." The word followed a string of coughs. Amelia looked instantly worried. Jenna shook her head, waving her off and pulled her inhaler out, taking a few puffs. "I’m fine. I swear."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Promise." She took another sip from the cup in her hand and the coughs disappeared. "I guess 16th birthdays are pretty fucking awesome." Jenna glanced over at her best friend. Amelia was staring at the stage. "You okay?"
The girl blinked and nodded. “Yeah. You can do this you know?”
"Do what?"
"This!" Amelia pointed at the stage. "Fuck what everyone else says. You should be up there."
Jenna watched a tech set up the mic stand for the next lead singer and shook her head. “I don’t know…the doctors-“
"You write just as great stuff as these bands do. You have something to say. Something to fight for. People will root for you."
She shrugged. “….maybe.”
"Definitely. If people can watch you up there and see how fearless you can be…they will be too."
The blonde scoffed. “Who says I’m fearless? I do everything people tell me to do, because it’s for my own good.”
Amelia smiled. “Oh you are…you just don’t know it yet.”
That smile was contagious. Jenna rolled up the sleeves of her flannel button up and the lights went out as the next band came out on stage. She grabbed Amelia’s hand and pulled her back to the floor. “Come on! Let’s see if we can stage dive,” she yelled over the opening riffs of their first song, losing themselves in the crowd once more.
And you will always be perfect,
you'll always be beautiful.
Our hearts, will never forget you.
You didn't belong here,
and it's become so clear why heaven called your name.
She was running. Something she’s been told to not do since she was diagnosed at twelve years old. Her mom chased her out the front door, but she didn’t stop. She didn’t turn around. She had to keep going. Because this couldn’t be true. This couldn’t be happening. It had to be a lie. So much had already been taken from her. Not her too.
Jenna had no idea where she was going. She slowed down to a walk once she was a couple blocks away from her house. She doubled over to catch her breath as the wheezes were leaving her lungs. Clinching her eyes shut she forced herself to take deep breaths. It’s something she’s become quite good at the last few years. Mind over matter. The human body was an extraordinary thing, capable of amazing things if you put your mind to it. She probably could be a great runner, if she could breathe properly.
Jenna started walking again. She stopped, hesitating when she passed a payphone. Biting at her bottom lip, she still remembered the phone number. It had been almost a year since he moved away, and a couple months since she’d talked to him. Her heart ached. No matter how much time has passed, she still missed him. She pulled some change from her pocket, hoping it was enough. Taking a deep breath as she dialed the phone, Jenna could already feel her eyes welling with tears.
"Hello…?" his voice cracked.
Her legs trembled at the sound. She must of woke him up. Leaning heavily against the wall of the phone booth, she whispered. “…Tommy?”
There was a long pause and only a rustle could be heard from his end of the line. “Jenna?”
"Yeah, it’s me," she squeaked. The tightness in her chest was not because of her disease. The weight of the pain wasn’t from stress on her weak lungs. It was sadness. And loss, finally surfacing.
"What’s wrong?"
A hand covered her mouth as the tears finally started spilling over and a strangled sob erupted from the between her lips. “Tommy…it’s Amelia…”
So you've been thinking lately
That you don't know what you want
But you don't know what you've got my dear
And if it's dreams we're chasing
You've got the world at your feet
The skyline is so clear
She was nervous. It's not as if she hadn't been on stage before. But it was the first time they would perform together in this band. It was the first time that she wouldn't have a guitar strapped over her shoulder that she could hide behind. This would be the first time she would be on stage as a frontman. Well, frontwoman. And that was even scarier. She was terrified. But at the same that, that fear is what fed the excitement. Fed the adrenaline. This is the moment she'd been waiting for. For longer than she could remember.
As the lights finally dimmed and she took those first few steps out on stage, time seemed to slow for a minute. The pit in her stomach grew and it almost felt like she was going to float away. She reached the middle of the stage where the mic stand stood and grabbed a hold of it, grounding her. The faint cheers of the crowd for the unknown band before them faded away and for a few seconds, everything went silent.
For those few seconds, more thoughts than she could comprehend flashed through her mind. She thought about the first time she held a guitar. She thought about the moment she found out she would die much younger than planned. She thought about the first concert her dad took her too. But mostly, she thought about Amelia, and how right she was. This was exactly where she belonged.
"We're Tonight Alive, and this song is called Wasting Away..."
I watch the bathwater drain
It’s never looked quite the same
The weight comes back to my body
And I’m hopeless again
I watch the twist and the turns
Just to ride me from where it hurts
It’s like I’m watching my life
Go past the point of return
Of return
Part of her always knew it would come to this, but hearing the words still shocked her. She should have figured out that after her coughs started splattering blood onto her hands in the recent weeks this is what was coming next. After getting all her test results, her doctor finally came in to go over all of them with her. And they all pointed to one thing.
“Jenna…I recommend that we put you on the transplant list immediately.”
Many people with cystic fibrosis have to eventually get a lung transplant. It meant that things weren’t going as planned. It meant that the years she had left on her life probably just got cut drastically. As if her life span wasn’t already getting hacked at by the minute.
"Jenna…" He doctor rolled his chair a little closer to her bed. "Did you hear me?" he asked softly.
She blinked and nodded her head. “Yeah, Doc. I heard you.”
He set aside his clipboard and looked up at her. “We talked about this…if you don’t take better care of yourself that it would come to this.”
“I know," she huffed, running her fingers through her hair.
He sighed calmly, probably used to getting these kind of reactions. “The last few years, it’s like you just don’t care.”
"Well maybe I don’t." She finally looked away from the wall and faced him. "Maybe I don’t care. I mean, what’s the point? I’ve been dying since I was sixteen. What are new lungs even going to give me? A few extra years?"
"It really depends how well you take care of yourself. The way you’ve been going, not much. That is if your body even accepts the transplant. That’s in itself is a risk."
Jenna shook her head, throwing the blanket on her legs. “Then what does it matter? This thing is going to kill me eventually anyway. We all know it.”
"With your lifestyle-"
"My lifestyle? You mean my choice to live like a normal person?"
He sighed again, familiar with her sarcasm and anger. In a way Jenna kind of felt bad for him. He’d been dealing with her since she was diagnosed at 13. At least she didn’t have a history of hitting him. It was only the nurses that she hit. “You’re not a normal person, Jenna. You never have been.”
"I don’t want anyone taking care of me. I don’t need it,” she pointed at him.
"If you don’t make it a point to stay more healthy there’s nothing that me or any other doctor can do for you."
"I’m not going to become that girl that everyone feels sorry for because she’s going to die before she’s 35. I never wanted that. That makes people fake. They care because they feel obligated to. Because they will feel bad for not caring about the poor girl that dying. For their own personal fucking karma."
Her doctor leaned forward, setting his elbows against his knees. “I know this is a difficult decision. It’s hard for anyone to hear. But you need to think about your health and less about what other people will think.”
Jenna’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t give a fuck about what other people think. It’s not about what they think. It’s about what they do. For the rest of what little life I have, no one will ever be real around me ever again. How am I expected to live like that? That’s why no one knows. All I ever wanted was to be in a band and share a message with people. Not become some poster child for the sick and crippled. I just want to be a normal girl that can sing.” In her mixture of frustration and anger, she reached for the half filled water glass on the side table and threw it across the room. It shattered against the wall.
He sighed once again, now there was a smile on his face. She hated that smile. “Jenna…you’ve never been just a normal girl that can sing.” She opened her opened to scold him but he raised his hand to stop her. “And I don’t mean because you’re sick. Even if you weren’t you wouldn’t be normal. You have a remarkable message to share. Just make this part of it.”
"I don’t want this to be part of it."
He shook his head and stood up. “You know, even for how smart you are, you’ve never been able to accept the fact that you are sick. After all these years. No one wants this. But you have to accept it. Face it. You’ve never done that. All you have done is fight against it. And I don’t mean fight for a better life. I mean whine about it. Like a child. That’s not who you are.”
He set her clipboard in the slot at the end of her bed. “We’ll talk about this more in the morning. You have some things to think about.” He turned to face her one more time in the doorway before leaving. “Your vitals have leveled out. I’m going to released you Tuesday morning. If you decide to do this, it needs to be soon.”
She didn’t have anything else to say as he left. No more curses to throw at him. No more dishes to break. Maybe he was right. All she ever did was curse this bloody disease that she’s been living with since she was a kid. All she ever focused on were the things that people said she couldn’t do, and did them just to spite them. Things would definitely change if she went through with this. Either for better or for worse. The question was, did she really want them to? Could she stand people looking at her differently? Maybe she was being too paranoid. Pessimistic. Maybe they wouldn’t treat her differently at all. It’s not as if she could hide this for much longer. She basically passed out on that stage. They knows something is wrong. And they don’t cancel tours for just nothing.
But accepting this…meant failing. And she would never accept failure.
Cause, nothing compares to what we share.
I don't have a care in the world.
Cause even if it all came crashing down,
As long as you're around,
I'll be safe and sound.
"I'm scared."
It wasn't something that Jenna had meant to confess. Not something she even ever confessed to herself. But at that moment, laying beneath the blanket, cuddled up to close to the other woman and saying it out loud, even in a whisper, Jenna finally admitted it. She was scared. Terrified. Not really of pain. Pain was something that she'd learned to live with. Not even really of dying. It seemed simple enough. And everyone was going to die at some point. More than anything she was scared of what it would do to the people she left behind. The ones that cared about her. She knew what it was like to lose someone close to you. It was a wound that would never truly heal. And she was terrified that is the only thing she would leave behind. A lifetime of scars.
"I think it's normal to be scared. It's acceptable. You don't have to be so brave around me, okay?"
Jenna has always been cautious about letting someone in. About letting someone get that close to her. Not for her own sake, but for theirs. This disease had been and always will be a big part of her life and it's not a burden that she wanted to share with anyone. It was going to kill her eventually. Whether it was tomorrow or years from now. She didn't want it to bring anyone else down with her just because she cared about them. But at that moment, as she let a few tears fall while burying her face in Tay's shoulder, it's like a weight had been lifted. She never liked anyone seeing her like this. Tears on her face, skin pale, cheeks slightly sunken in from weight loss, forced to be on oxygen. Jenna didn't like feeling frail. But it wasn't until now that she realized she'd been living underwater for all these years, holding her breath.
Then Tay reached down her hand and into the dark depths of the ocean she was lost in and pulled her to the surface. She felt like she could finally breathe easier.
"You make things make sense."
Jenna knew exactly how that felt. It's like the edges of her vision had always been a little blurred until now. Everything was clear. Everything was more vivid. Everything seemed right. At least for the moment.
"I don't know how long you'll be able to have me, Tay."
And then there it was. The clock that she'd been living with for most of her life. The one that she'd spent so much time trying to out run. It seemed like the more she tried, the closer it got. It was a sad truth that came with wanting to be with her. It was the catch. The fine print. And when Jenna usually would turn them all away, she couldn't this time. She didn't want to this time. Because she didn't want that clarity to end. She didn't want to feel like she was drowning anymore. Because maybe she needed someone else more than she wanted to admit. She needed someone to keep her head above water. And she wanted that to be Tay.
