'Ello mate. My name is Jenna McDougall. I'm from Australia and I work as a bartender at the bar Hell's Gate. But be careful, you never know who's face I'll be wearing, Oh, by the way, I should probably mention that I'm a Skinwalker.
aim: aussie.jenna
She didn't know what exactly woke her up. Whether it was the sound of the beeping beside her, the gentle pressure on her hand for the passed few hours, the sound of his voice, or perhaps the sound of his weeping. He sounded very far away at first. But at the moments creeped by his voice seemed to get closer and closer. As if she could hear him at the end of some long tunnel and the echo got more and more real the closer that she got. Until it finally sounded like he was right next to her. She tried to open her eyes. Speak. Brush her fingers against his. But it felt like the weight of the world was resting above her. Above her eyes, over her hands, on top of her chest.
Her brow furrowed as she focused everything on just trying to move her fingers. But she was just so tired, and her limbs were so heavy. But she needed him to know that she could hear him at least. She could hear the beep of the machine measuring her hear rate as it started to go just a little faster. It was enough of a change that Vic paused. A deep, wheezing breath released from her lungs when her fingers finally shifted and curled around his hand. Jenna heard a gasp beside him and the scrap of a chair as he moved closer.
"Jenna...?"
After moving her fingers, it was like all the weight that was settled over her lifted, and her eyes slowly slid open, before immediately shutting again. It was bright. Too bright. Vic seemed to understand the reaction and stood up, because the lights shut off a moment later. When she opened her eyes again, the room was dim. Only a single lamp left on in the corner. Everything was blurry at first, and her eye lids felt sticky. It took her a moment, but she raised one hand to wipe gently at him. That's when she noticing the breathing mask settled over her mouth and nose. As she lowered her hand, she moved to take it off, but another hand stopped her.
"Leave it on."
She didn't protest, and she let him lead her hand back down into the sheets. Finally, she turned her head to look at him. As her vision cleared, one side of her mouth turned up in a small smile. Vic smiled as well. "Hey Jen," he whispered. She opened her mouth to respond, but no words came out. Jenna closed her eyes, furrowing her brow in frustration. "You don't have to talk."
Jenna shook her head and tried again. "I hear-" her voice cracked after only the two syllables and she grimaced.
"You heard me?" Vic offered. Opening her eyes again, Jenna nodded gently in response. His still tearful face smiled again. "That's good...that's good." His hand tightened around hers.
It looked like he hadn't slept in days. She wanted to tell him to go home. Not to worry. That she would be fine here. She may not like hospitals but at least they know what they are doing when it came to her being sick. But she was just so tired, and couldn't even open her mouth to try and speak again. "You're going to be okay," she heard him say softly as her eyes slipped shut again. "Jen..? I'm not going anywhere..."
It was the last thing that she heard him say before she fell asleep again.
Jenna knew she was getting sick. She could feel it in her chest. The last weeks or so she just felt heavier than normal. Tired. Not much energy to really get up and do much. And the coughing was getting worse. Not really more frequent, because she would cough all the time anyway. Just...rougher. And harder to breathe afterward. That's why she'd been sleeping so much. And not very well either. She would only get a few hours of constant sleep before she woke up in a coughing fit or was just uncomfortable and had to move.
The Christmas Party at Mike and Athena's wore her out, even if she spent most of the time on the couch. It was nice being able to be around friends again. It'd felt like so long since she had the energy to socialize. Jenna thought that being able to to be with friends again might make her feel better. Although it did raise her spirits a little, it only made her feel worse physically.
When she finaly got out of bed this afternoon and walked to the bathroom, she couldn't believe the woman in the reflection of the mirror was her. Her skin was pale, and cheeks were sunken in a little. She's been having a hard time keeping food down, so she just started eating less of it. Not that she had much energy to even chew food as it is. With trembling hands she splashed water on her face. Jenna wobbled when she closed her eyes, turning the light off to get back into bed.
Closing the bathroom door behind her, she brought a hand up to cover her mouth as a coughing fit began. Her feet shuffled unsure beneath her and her vision blurred. Jenna heaved, trying to get oxygen into her lungs. Her arms felt heavy and she couldn't even keep her eyes open anymore she was just so fatigued. She felt her balance fail her as her eyes fell closed. Jenna reached out a hand to grab something but the edge of the bedside table wasn't enough to keep her on her feet.
Once on the floor, with difficulty she rolled onto her back, but couldn't more anymore. She was just too tired, and she succumbed to the darkness.
I've always been one of those people, that refuses to regret the decisions that I have made through out my life. Especially the big ones. Whether they were good or bad, I was the one that made the decision and either way, I'm the one that would have to live with it. And even if it came out bad, I learned something from my mistakes along the way and would never do it over a different way. But if there was anything that I ever truly wished that I could do over, it would be my last few days with Amelia. If I had known about her fate, there are things that I would have wanted to say. Things that I would have wanted to do with her. So she knew. Really knew exactly how great of a friend that she had always been. More like a sister really. After her death, she became the reason for so many good things in my life, despite me having to live with this disease, and I never got to properly thank her for it. And I wish I could, more than anything.
PRESENT:
I've been staring at her bottle of pills sitting on the dresser for the last two hours. The very same pills that she accidentally overdosed on last week. I sound like a fucking hypocrite, wanting to do nothing more than to stand up from his bed, grab that bottle and flush them all. And then dig through the rest of her things that she left here and make sure she doesn't have another stashed bottle somewhere. And if she does, I'll get rid of those pills too. But there's a difference between me and Tay. She has so much more to look forward to. It wouldn't matter how many painkillers that I took a day.
There's a great chance that I'm not going to make it out of 2014. So what does it matter if I overdose or not? But I'm not going to let her go there again. Even if it is by accident. So I am going to trash them. And then call Athena and make sure she can't get anymore. That is, assuming Athena is the one that's supplying her. I could be wrong, but I'm sure that's not the case. I'm not going to let her to this to herself. It's bad enough the stress that she is going through watching me slowly deteriorate in front of her eyes. She didn't need this too. She is better than that. Better than me.
I can't let her do this.
FUTURE:
For a while there, they didn't think she was ever going to get to the top of the list in time. And after she did, it was all about finding a match. The wait for a match seemed longer to her than actually waiting to get to the top. And meanwhile, it was the little things that were getting harder. Walking up and down the stairs. Being able to stand long enough to shower. Staying awake long enough to actually get something productive done. Jenna spent most of her time sleeping these days, not having the energy to do much else.
For a while there, they didn't think she was going to make it, having contracted pneumonia right after the new year because her immune system has been so weak and unable to fight off any kind of bug or virus. Vic was the one that found her. He peeked inside the guest bedroom and she and Tay had been occupying for the last month and instead of being on the bed she was passed out on the floor, blood splatters in her hand. She woke up in the hospital with a oxygen mask on. She could barely eat, so she had to receive nourishment through an IV, and was too exhausted to talk. Jenna could barely even remember who had come visit her, other than Tay and Vic who hardly left.
After the pneumonia was gone, she was better for a while. Still tired, but seemed in higher spirits to go out and do things again. She would walk Maggie around the block. Sit outside with Vic's guitar and do a little writing. All the while, trying to hide how much pain she was really in. Her chest hurt all the time now, and the coughing fits were getting worse and more frequent. All her joints ached and there was even some foods that she couldn't keep down, so she was getting thinner.
Jenna knew she wouldn't last much longer like this. She didn't want to. In the couple weeks leading up to the call they got when they finally found a match, she spent most of her time talking to friends. Ones that came to visit. Ones that she had to call. People that she wanted to hear the voices of again. Her family obviously came up from Australia and were close by. And for a little time everyday, she just wanted to be alone with one of Vic's guitars. It was a song, one that she knew she needed to get on paper before time ran out.
When they finally had a match ready for her, Jenna didn't know what to think. Ever since getting out of the hospital after having pneumonia, her attitude towards death had changed. She was prepared for it. Had accepted the fact that if they didn't find a match for her soon, that there was nothing else that could be done. There was only so much she could do on her own.
But finally, here she was. Sitting in a hospital room with her family and closest friends as the doctors prepared for her surgery. If this was going to be the end, this was everything she wanted. For these faces to be the things that she remembers and takes with her. When the nurses came in asking if she was ready, Jenna handed Vic a few folded up papers. He looked at it, confused. "A song," she said with a weary smile. "It's not quite finished yet. You'll know what to do with it."
Jenna took as many hands as she could on their way out as the nurses wheeled her out of the room, Tay alongside the bed. As they got further down the hall, she could feel Tay's grip on her get tighter, until the nurses finally stopped and said she would finally have to let go. Jenna looked up at her with a small smile. "Stop worrying. Whatever happens, things will be okay. One way or another, I'll see you on the other side." Jenna knew Tay was holding in the tears just for her, and she appreciated it. The other woman leaned down and connected their lips one more time before mumbling an 'I love you' against them, and then finally let go.
She was calm as she looked up into the mask covered faces of the doctors and nurses bustling around her getting things ready. One of them turned on music at a low volume at one doctor's request. It was the soundtrack of Les Miserables. Jenna smiled. "Well, at least there will be great music playing if I don't wake up."
One of the doctors set a hand on her arm. "I'll make sure that you do." That was the last thing she remembered as the anesthesia finally took her under.
Five hours later, the same doctor exited the surgery room and slowly made his way down the hall, making sure the correct words were in his head before he brought the news to the friends and family. When he finally opened the door to the waiting room, he was taken aback at first. After having done this for so long, he'd never seen this many people waiting for after a surgery. And he doubted he would ever see it again. After spotting the parents in the crowd, he pulled them aside to deliver Jenna's fate.
But I made it out alive
I’m here to say I breathe at least I try
I won’t go without a fight
You can’t stop me
They weren't take to a regular room where a doctor would normally see a patient. They were led to his office instead. At first she just assumed because all the rooms were full. But it was clear by the looks on her parents faces that they knew something wasn't right. When the doctor talked, he talked to her. Not to her mum and dad. Jenna was silent the whole time. For some reason, she felt like she should have known. She always knew there was something different about her. Although Jenna never quite expected it to be something like this.
She could tell her mother was really trying to muffle her tears as the doctor continued on and on about how to treat it. It was a strange feeling to let sink in. That someone as simple as a cough that just wouldn't go away would turn into something so life altering. Something that could actually take her life away from her. A life that she really didn't even know what she wanted to do with yet. And now, because of this disease, she was already hearing things she could and couldn't do.
Before her life was even hers it was being taken away from her. How was that fair? A few hours ago Jenna was musing over the thought of being 18 and being able to finally make her own decisions and not have anyone to dictate what she did with her life. All of that has been shattered now. She would never truly have control of it. She wasn't going to let something that wasn't even another person take that away from her. She was going to do what she wanted to do and that was that. She wasn't going to go down without a fight. And she wasn't going to let anyone, or anything, stop her.
I used to be scared, I used to be like you.
I used to care, then I came unglued.
Well, it's something we all have to learn to do.
It was a bit of a chore getting out of the house. Jenna’s mom made her triple check that her inhaler was in her pocket along with money and her keys. When they finally got to the venue the show had already started. She and Amelia didn’t waste any time jumping into crowd. Tonight, Jenna wasn’t worried about…well, anything. She almost fell probably a dozen times, but she laughed each time she caught her balance again. only a few songs in her hair was muddled and sweat dripping down her face. She felt the bass in her chest and even though she didn’t know the songs she found some way to sing along. By the time she and Amelia decided they needed a break, they pushed themselves up above the heads of the people around them and crowd surfed to the front. As Jenna fell into the arms of a security guard the lead singer reached out and took her hand for a few seconds and she was set on her feet and pushed to the side.
A few minutes later as the stag crew set up for the next band, Jenna and Amelia leaned against the bar, catching their breaths and sipping on cups of water. Hair was stuck to their faces. Jenna wiped the wet hair from her face and laughed. “That was great.”
Amelia nudged Jenna’s shoulder with her own. “Happy birthday.”
"Thanks." The word followed a string of coughs. Amelia looked instantly worried. Jenna shook her head, waving her off and pulled her inhaler out, taking a few puffs. "I’m fine. I swear."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Promise." She took another sip from the cup in her hand and the coughs disappeared. "I guess 16th birthdays are pretty fucking awesome." Jenna glanced over at her best friend. Amelia was staring at the stage. "You okay?"
The girl blinked and nodded. “Yeah. You can do this you know?”
"Do what?"
"This!" Amelia pointed at the stage. "Fuck what everyone else says. You should be up there."
Jenna watched a tech set up the mic stand for the next lead singer and shook her head. “I don’t know…the doctors-“
"You write just as great stuff as these bands do. You have something to say. Something to fight for. People will root for you."
She shrugged. “….maybe.”
"Definitely. If people can watch you up there and see how fearless you can be…they will be too."
The blonde scoffed. “Who says I’m fearless? I do everything people tell me to do, because it’s for my own good.”
Amelia smiled. “Oh you are…you just don’t know it yet.”
That smile was contagious. Jenna rolled up the sleeves of her flannel button up and the lights went out as the next band came out on stage. She grabbed Amelia’s hand and pulled her back to the floor. “Come on! Let’s see if we can stage dive,” she yelled over the opening riffs of their first song, losing themselves in the crowd once more.
And you will always be perfect,
you'll always be beautiful.
Our hearts, will never forget you.
You didn't belong here,
and it's become so clear why heaven called your name.
She was running. Something she’s been told to not do since she was diagnosed at twelve years old. Her mom chased her out the front door, but she didn’t stop. She didn’t turn around. She had to keep going. Because this couldn’t be true. This couldn’t be happening. It had to be a lie. So much had already been taken from her. Not her too.
Jenna had no idea where she was going. She slowed down to a walk once she was a couple blocks away from her house. She doubled over to catch her breath as the wheezes were leaving her lungs. Clinching her eyes shut she forced herself to take deep breaths. It’s something she’s become quite good at the last few years. Mind over matter. The human body was an extraordinary thing, capable of amazing things if you put your mind to it. She probably could be a great runner, if she could breathe properly.
Jenna started walking again. She stopped, hesitating when she passed a payphone. Biting at her bottom lip, she still remembered the phone number. It had been almost a year since he moved away, and a couple months since she’d talked to him. Her heart ached. No matter how much time has passed, she still missed him. She pulled some change from her pocket, hoping it was enough. Taking a deep breath as she dialed the phone, Jenna could already feel her eyes welling with tears.
"Hello…?" his voice cracked.
Her legs trembled at the sound. She must of woke him up. Leaning heavily against the wall of the phone booth, she whispered. “…Tommy?”
There was a long pause and only a rustle could be heard from his end of the line. “Jenna?”
"Yeah, it’s me," she squeaked. The tightness in her chest was not because of her disease. The weight of the pain wasn’t from stress on her weak lungs. It was sadness. And loss, finally surfacing.
"What’s wrong?"
A hand covered her mouth as the tears finally started spilling over and a strangled sob erupted from the between her lips. “Tommy…it’s Amelia…”
So you've been thinking lately
That you don't know what you want
But you don't know what you've got my dear
And if it's dreams we're chasing
You've got the world at your feet
The skyline is so clear
She was nervous. It's not as if she hadn't been on stage before. But it was the first time they would perform together in this band. It was the first time that she wouldn't have a guitar strapped over her shoulder that she could hide behind. This would be the first time she would be on stage as a frontman. Well, frontwoman. And that was even scarier. She was terrified. But at the same that, that fear is what fed the excitement. Fed the adrenaline. This is the moment she'd been waiting for. For longer than she could remember.
As the lights finally dimmed and she took those first few steps out on stage, time seemed to slow for a minute. The pit in her stomach grew and it almost felt like she was going to float away. She reached the middle of the stage where the mic stand stood and grabbed a hold of it, grounding her. The faint cheers of the crowd for the unknown band before them faded away and for a few seconds, everything went silent.
For those few seconds, more thoughts than she could comprehend flashed through her mind. She thought about the first time she held a guitar. She thought about the moment she found out she would die much younger than planned. She thought about the first concert her dad took her too. But mostly, she thought about Amelia, and how right she was. This was exactly where she belonged.
"We're Tonight Alive, and this song is called Wasting Away..."
I watch the bathwater drain
It’s never looked quite the same
The weight comes back to my body
And I’m hopeless again
I watch the twist and the turns
Just to ride me from where it hurts
It’s like I’m watching my life
Go past the point of return
Of return
Part of her always knew it would come to this, but hearing the words still shocked her. She should have figured out that after her coughs started splattering blood onto her hands in the recent weeks this is what was coming next. After getting all her test results, her doctor finally came in to go over all of them with her. And they all pointed to one thing.
“Jenna…I recommend that we put you on the transplant list immediately.”
Many people with cystic fibrosis have to eventually get a lung transplant. It meant that things weren’t going as planned. It meant that the years she had left on her life probably just got cut drastically. As if her life span wasn’t already getting hacked at by the minute.
"Jenna…" He doctor rolled his chair a little closer to her bed. "Did you hear me?" he asked softly.
She blinked and nodded her head. “Yeah, Doc. I heard you.”
He set aside his clipboard and looked up at her. “We talked about this…if you don’t take better care of yourself that it would come to this.”
“I know," she huffed, running her fingers through her hair.
He sighed calmly, probably used to getting these kind of reactions. “The last few years, it’s like you just don’t care.”
"Well maybe I don’t." She finally looked away from the wall and faced him. "Maybe I don’t care. I mean, what’s the point? I’ve been dying since I was sixteen. What are new lungs even going to give me? A few extra years?"
"It really depends how well you take care of yourself. The way you’ve been going, not much. That is if your body even accepts the transplant. That’s in itself is a risk."
Jenna shook her head, throwing the blanket on her legs. “Then what does it matter? This thing is going to kill me eventually anyway. We all know it.”
"With your lifestyle-"
"My lifestyle? You mean my choice to live like a normal person?"
He sighed again, familiar with her sarcasm and anger. In a way Jenna kind of felt bad for him. He’d been dealing with her since she was diagnosed at 13. At least she didn’t have a history of hitting him. It was only the nurses that she hit. “You’re not a normal person, Jenna. You never have been.”
"I don’t want anyone taking care of me. I don’t need it,” she pointed at him.
"If you don’t make it a point to stay more healthy there’s nothing that me or any other doctor can do for you."
"I’m not going to become that girl that everyone feels sorry for because she’s going to die before she’s 35. I never wanted that. That makes people fake. They care because they feel obligated to. Because they will feel bad for not caring about the poor girl that dying. For their own personal fucking karma."
Her doctor leaned forward, setting his elbows against his knees. “I know this is a difficult decision. It’s hard for anyone to hear. But you need to think about your health and less about what other people will think.”
Jenna’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t give a fuck about what other people think. It’s not about what they think. It’s about what they do. For the rest of what little life I have, no one will ever be real around me ever again. How am I expected to live like that? That’s why no one knows. All I ever wanted was to be in a band and share a message with people. Not become some poster child for the sick and crippled. I just want to be a normal girl that can sing.” In her mixture of frustration and anger, she reached for the half filled water glass on the side table and threw it across the room. It shattered against the wall.
He sighed once again, now there was a smile on his face. She hated that smile. “Jenna…you’ve never been just a normal girl that can sing.” She opened her opened to scold him but he raised his hand to stop her. “And I don’t mean because you’re sick. Even if you weren’t you wouldn’t be normal. You have a remarkable message to share. Just make this part of it.”
"I don’t want this to be part of it."
He shook his head and stood up. “You know, even for how smart you are, you’ve never been able to accept the fact that you are sick. After all these years. No one wants this. But you have to accept it. Face it. You’ve never done that. All you have done is fight against it. And I don’t mean fight for a better life. I mean whine about it. Like a child. That’s not who you are.”
He set her clipboard in the slot at the end of her bed. “We’ll talk about this more in the morning. You have some things to think about.” He turned to face her one more time in the doorway before leaving. “Your vitals have leveled out. I’m going to released you Tuesday morning. If you decide to do this, it needs to be soon.”
She didn’t have anything else to say as he left. No more curses to throw at him. No more dishes to break. Maybe he was right. All she ever did was curse this bloody disease that she’s been living with since she was a kid. All she ever focused on were the things that people said she couldn’t do, and did them just to spite them. Things would definitely change if she went through with this. Either for better or for worse. The question was, did she really want them to? Could she stand people looking at her differently? Maybe she was being too paranoid. Pessimistic. Maybe they wouldn’t treat her differently at all. It’s not as if she could hide this for much longer. She basically passed out on that stage. They knows something is wrong. And they don’t cancel tours for just nothing.
But accepting this…meant failing. And she would never accept failure.
Cause, nothing compares to what we share.
I don't have a care in the world.
Cause even if it all came crashing down,
As long as you're around,
I'll be safe and sound.
"I'm scared."
It wasn't something that Jenna had meant to confess. Not something she even ever confessed to herself. But at that moment, laying beneath the blanket, cuddled up to close to the other woman and saying it out loud, even in a whisper, Jenna finally admitted it. She was scared. Terrified. Not really of pain. Pain was something that she'd learned to live with. Not even really of dying. It seemed simple enough. And everyone was going to die at some point. More than anything she was scared of what it would do to the people she left behind. The ones that cared about her. She knew what it was like to lose someone close to you. It was a wound that would never truly heal. And she was terrified that is the only thing she would leave behind. A lifetime of scars.
"I think it's normal to be scared. It's acceptable. You don't have to be so brave around me, okay?"
Jenna has always been cautious about letting someone in. About letting someone get that close to her. Not for her own sake, but for theirs. This disease had been and always will be a big part of her life and it's not a burden that she wanted to share with anyone. It was going to kill her eventually. Whether it was tomorrow or years from now. She didn't want it to bring anyone else down with her just because she cared about them. But at that moment, as she let a few tears fall while burying her face in Tay's shoulder, it's like a weight had been lifted. She never liked anyone seeing her like this. Tears on her face, skin pale, cheeks slightly sunken in from weight loss, forced to be on oxygen. Jenna didn't like feeling frail. But it wasn't until now that she realized she'd been living underwater for all these years, holding her breath.
Then Tay reached down her hand and into the dark depths of the ocean she was lost in and pulled her to the surface. She felt like she could finally breathe easier.
"You make things make sense."
Jenna knew exactly how that felt. It's like the edges of her vision had always been a little blurred until now. Everything was clear. Everything was more vivid. Everything seemed right. At least for the moment.
"I don't know how long you'll be able to have me, Tay."
And then there it was. The clock that she'd been living with for most of her life. The one that she'd spent so much time trying to out run. It seemed like the more she tried, the closer it got. It was a sad truth that came with wanting to be with her. It was the catch. The fine print. And when Jenna usually would turn them all away, she couldn't this time. She didn't want to this time. Because she didn't want that clarity to end. She didn't want to feel like she was drowning anymore. Because maybe she needed someone else more than she wanted to admit. She needed someone to keep her head above water. And she wanted that to be Tay.
The Mates: You couldn't ask for a better group of men behind you then I have behind me. Cam, Whak, Matty and Jake are the best mates I could ever ask for and have been there with me every step of the way with this disease and this band. Although they can be overbearing at times when it comes to my CF, I'm not sure I could have come as far as I have without them.
The Family: Although not everyone has been supportive of my decisions when it comes to being in this band because of my disease, both their support and indifference are reasons that I am alive today. I needed to prove them wrong. And if it wasn't for that, I may not be alive today.
My doctors: I may not like them very much, but they have kept me healthy and alive this long. I know I may be the most belligerent patient they have probably ever had. I've even hit a couple of them. I'm not easy to deal with or to get through to when it comes to treatments and taking my meds everyday. But when it comes down to it, I'm thankful that I have them.
Vic & Mike Fuentes: Since starting to tour in America in 2011, I have made many, many friends in other bands. But no one stands out in my memories quite like these two. Both far more compassionate and caring then they give themselves credit for, there's no one better to tour with in this business, and no one better to count on. I'm not looking forward to telling them the truth. Love you boys.
Athena Fuentes: I wasn't sure about you at first, but I couldn't be more wrong. You are the first one outside of the band and my family that I told about my disease and you have no idea how grateful I am that after knowing, it didn't change our friendship. You didn't treat me differently, and you are the only one that I've ever told the truth that has done that. Something special went into making you wifey, and I thank whoever put in those special ingredients.
Aiden Lewis: It's hard for us to hire new roadies. Especially in my case. I'm so hesitant at trusting them with the truth because of my wish to keep my CF a total secret. But something told me I didn't have to worry about that with you. I love you Kangaroo and the road wouldn't be the same without you.
The fans: I couldn't have made it this far without the support of the fans. Even though they don't know about my CF, their support has been enough to make it through everything. Especially the diehards. The ones that sleep outside of venues, cross oceans, cross states, stand in the rain, get lyrics tattooed. They have made all the pain, all the hard work, all the meds, all the sleepless nights, all the treatments...everything, all worth it. They are as much as a reason that I'm alive as the doctors that keep me breathing.
She felt terrible. Her chest was on fire. But this was the last show of the tour. She needed to get through this. Jenna had been doing all that she could to keep herself on her feet, and to keep from losing her voice. She hadn't spoken outside of singing for almost a week. Anything to get her through these last few hours. The guys knew her voice was suffering, but she'd kept the blood splattered coughs from them since they started a few days ago. If they knew, they wouldn't give her a choice. They'd be on their way home already. But she didn't want to ruin this. This tour was so important to them. So important to their fans here.
They cut soundcheck short, after only just one song. Ever since Jenna had been going back and forth from watching the other bands side stage and hiding her coughing fits in the bathroom. A little blood splattered on her shirt and she had to sneak off to the bus to change it. Just before going on stage Jenna prayed to every god that she read about to help her get though this last hour and a half. She didn't care what happened afterwards. Just get her through these next 14 songs and she'd be home free.
The energy from the fans was incredible since the moment they stepped on stage. San Diego had always been one of her favorite places to play. The kids in this city were born for this kind of music. For these kind of shows. And for the first half of the set, Jenna forgot about the pain, forgot about the burn in her lungs with every breath that she took and forgot about the copper taste of blood in her throat. For a little while, she lived completely through the music. But that could only last for so long.
Her voice started to crack during "Starlight" and she turned away from the crowd towards Matty to cough for a moment into the crook of her elbow. The drummer watched her, concerned. Jenna waved him off with a smile and gave him a thumbs up. Halfway through "Amelia" was when the burn started to intensify. Her chest started to tighten. She should have told them to skip over "No Different". It was the fastest and hardest song they'd ever written. She should have known better.
She was standing on one of the pedestals on the edge of the stage, reaching down to graze the fan's fingertips with her own. She stood up straight at the bridge of the song, tossing her head back to get the hair out of her face. She took a deep breath to sing the highest point of the song, but all that came out was a wheeze. Jenna staggered as she coughed, desperately trying to get air into her lungs. She bent over, a hand covering her mouth and her vision started to blur and swim. At some point the music stopped and it was deathly quiet. She could see the blurry and confused faces looking up at her. She took a step forward to catch her balance again and stepped right off the pedestal and into the crowd.
She felt the hands holding her up and heard a wave of concerned voices all around her. Jenna flinched as the house lights came on and her head fell back as she finally blacked out.
It wasn't her fault that she just knew things about people's lives upon sometimes, just having one look at them. She had always been this way. She'd been born this way. And she didn't choose what she heard or what she saw. She just knew that she did hear and see it. She was always the weird one in high school. The strange girl that everyone avoided. The rumors that would spread were more or less true. Talking to people that aren't there. Muttering in her sleep when she fell asleep in class. One time she even woke up screaming. Not because of a dream, but because of a vision.
So there was nothing that she could do except embrace being the weirdo. And living in Sydney she certainly wasn't alone. Whether it was because of other people born like her or just regular human outcasts. And what was the best way for her to embrace that part of society...? But of course, she opened a psychic shop to give people readings. Now, she couldn't guarantee what she was paid to say was true or not but Jenna could guarantee there were definitely things about people that she saw. Unfortunately, not everyone could handle the truth. And most of the time people didn't come to her because they wanted to be proven right. It was because they wanted to be proven wrong.
A distraught husband didn't really want to know that his wife wasn't cheating on him. The young teenager didn't want to know that was going to get pregnant at the age of 18 and be living on welfare for the rest of her life. They just wanted to be told that everything was okay. And going to be okay. So that's what Jenna gave them. A piece of mind. She she would take their hand in hers, or deal the tarot cards, or look into her crystal ball. But the "magic" wasn't in any of those things. It was in her.
In the things that she felt. In the things she heard. In the things that she just knew. But people wanted a show. Not the truth.
But every once in a while, someone would come in that could handle the truth. That truly were in seek of some guidance. Like the American that just walked through her door. But he wasn't just an American. He was different. Like her. In the middle of stocking her inventory of candles behind the counter, Jenna stopped and just stared at him for a long moment as he stood nervously in the doorway. She'd met witches and werewolves. Even a couple vampires. But never had she met another one like her. Her lips turned up in a grin. "Hi!" she said a little too pleasantly. "What can I do for you?"
He looked at her. "Umm...well..."
Jenna waited for an answer, wondering why he seemed to be so nervous. "If that's too hard to answer you can always begin with your name," she suggested.
"...Vic," he said after a moment, nodding his head in a short greeting.
"Hello Vic. I'm Jenna." He nodded again but didn't move any further into the room. Jenna frowned and it suddenly occurred to her why he felt not just out of place, but almost terrified. "You're not crazy, Vic," she said gently. His eyes snapped back up to her face from their attention at the floor. "The things that you see, that you feel...they're real."
The expression on his face went from anxious, surprised...and then it finally turned to an almost desperation. "Please don't tell me that," he said quietly.
Jenna moved around the counter and approached him slowly, not to scare him away. "You're like me." She smiled up at him.
"I'm a freak," he said immediately. Upon the words leaving his mouth his eyes widen and he looked down at the floor again. "Sorry," he muttered.
Jenna shook her head with a gentle smile. "You're right. I am. At least that's what the rest of the world likes to see us as." She offered him her hand. "Come on...why don't you tell me about some of the things you've seen. I'll show why being a freak isn't as bad as you think."
Her arm waited out stretched between them for a moment before Vic hesitantly took it and himself be pulled further into the room and onto a couch sitting in the corner. Jenna crossed her legs beneath her. "Spill. I may talk a lot, but I think you'll be surprised how good of a listener I am," she grinned. "I guarantee you can't be any more weird than I am." She leaned forward, setting her elbows on her knees and rested her chin in her palms and prepared for a life story that she couldn't wait to hear. One just like hers.
Jenna has always been open to exploring any kind of affection. And at least most of her immediate family may have questioned it at first, but they understand and support her decision. Being a pansexual herself, she has an issue with people that feel they constantly have to define what their sexuality is. What is wrong with just being attracted to whatever or whoever you're attracted to? Why does there have to be a right and a wrong? And although she doesn't necessarily speak out about the issue, whenever it is brought up to her, she makes her stance very clear. And although she is very timid to let people in because of the complications of her disease, she has no issues knowing exactly what she's attracted to.
Playlist
"The Other Side" - Tonight Alive (Tommy)
Cause every time I ran
I ran to you
I meant it every time I said I loved you
I kiss the thought of you and I
I still regret the day that we said goodbye
And do you think of me at night
I still wish we could've made it right
You can't say that I never tried
We'd been friends since we were kids. I think becoming a couple was just something that we owed to ourselves. To give it a chance and see if our friendship could ever go to the next step. Of course, we didn't have very much time to explore those feelings because it was less than a year later that you moved to the States. And although I have been with other people since then and I am perfectly content with just being your friend, there is nothing quite like that first love.
"Crash" - You Me At Six (Tommy)
We grew up,
We worked and changed our ways.
Just like wildfire,
Been burning now for days.
Tearing down those walls,
Nothing's in our way.
I said, nothing's in our way.
Although it didn't work out between us and we lost touch, that doesn't mean that I still don't think of you often and fondly. I still consider you a great friend, and if it wasn't for the relationship that we shared, no matter how brief, I'm not sure I would be as comfortable with myself as I am now. I didn't used to be as spirited as I am now. And having that freedom of being with someone, and being special to someone, it opened those doors to me actually being able to love myself as I am.
"Hey Soul Sister" - Train (Whak)
Just in time
I'm so glad you have
A one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection
We can't deny
We dated there for a little bit. Actually...I'm not really sure if we ever really made it official. Not that I remember anyway. It was just kind of a thing that we had there for a while. The band had just started and we were excited. This adventure was just beginning and I think we just both felt like we had to share it with someone else. So things became a little physical. And eventually, it just stopped. Although the connection that we share is still there, neither of us have the desire to make it physical again. I think it was the music. We just got all wrapped up in the excitement and music we were making.
"Shine A Light" - McFly (Aiden)
Tell me are you feeling strong
Strong enough to love someone
And make it through the hardest storm
And bad weather
Will you pull me from the flames
Hold me till I feel no pain
And give me shelter from the rain
Forever
I was so glad when Aiden joined the crew. He is such a lovely human being, and for me, he was a breath of fresh air. I love my band and I love the crew that we have had for a while, but when they are all constantly way too overprotective of me, I could at times get a little suffocated. Of course joining the crew, he had to know what was going on with me. I was relieved when he didn't act like the rest of them. He gives me space when I want it, and helps when I ask for it. He's the one I spend time with when I'm frustrated, or angry about my situation. I love him. Maybe not in the way one usually does when you say you love someone, but I do. And I want him to be happy. And I hope he's happy with us.
"Pace Yourself" - The Higher (Mikey)
You can't write the same song over again,
It's in the same key,
Over again, yeah,
Because were doing so good,
Making up for miles just a little while like you would,
Under-estimating, you know you think were doing so good,
I'm glad to be a part of the glass that you placed upon your withered heart,
encased and left for danger,
In a race to the rode on the way to apathy,
It's life's little let downs, spontaneity.
Although it was short lived, I learned a lot about caring about someone during my relationship with Mikey. It was the first time that I not only had a long distance relationship, but someone that I had to leave at "home" when I went on tour. I've never been very good with patience, and I guess I realized exactly how much of that you need when you care about someone.
"Lonely Girl" - Tonight Alive (Mikey)
Lonely girl you lost the only thing you loved
Nothing that you have is ever good enough
And I wont be the one to keep you safe
And I wont be the one who stays the same
Since you left, you are now just another person that this song reminds me of while I sing it every night. Surprisingly, I'm not as hurt as I thought I would be. Maybe because I've been through this before with another close friend of mine. No matter what I did or said, you just wouldn't accept someone else's help. And I learned a long time ago when someone doesn't want to accept your help, there's nothing else you can do.
"Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back" - My Chemical Romance
We can leave this world, leave it all behind
We can steal this car if your folks don't mind
We can live forever if you've got the time
You motherfucker!
You're the broken glass in the morning light
Be a burning star if it takes all night
So just save yourself and I'll hold them back tonight
Something that I constantly hear from the people that I care about is that it shouldn't be me. I shouldn't be the one that's suffering from this. It should be someone else. Sometimes they even say that it should have been them. But I'm glad that it's me. I prefer that it's me. Not for one second do I want someone that I love dealing with what I have to live with everyday. So let them live, and let me die. I wouldn't change that for a second.
"The Last Song" - McFly
The time has come to say goodbye
The sun is setting in the sky
The truth's turned out to be a lie
It's over, over
Hum yourself a lullaby
This is the end but baby don't you cry
So take away the melody
And all that's left of memories
Of lovers, friends and enemies
They're all fading
You may not remember me
I haven't got the strength to carry on
If this is the last song I'll ever sing
Then I'm giving it everything
I'm giving it all
There are no words that I can say that can express how much love I have for the fans. Even though they don't know the truth about me yet, they are the ones that keep me strong. That keep me hoping. That keep me living. I can see and understand now what the bands that I listened to as a teenager were saying when they said the fans were the ones that saved them. They are the ones that save me. They too are my family. And I'll give them everything that I have until my last song, because they do the same for me.
Jenna loves her mum, she does. But sometimes she can't stand being home because the only thing that her mum worries about is her disease. Whenever she's home, all she can talk about is the doctors and her medication and whether she's taking it correctly, etc etc. Sometimes she's seems far more interested in whether Jenna is healthy rather than supporting her career that Jenna thinks she doesn't really care about the band. She doesn't understand why singing is so important to Jenna and whenever she's home it always turns into an argument. Her mother has never learned how to let go, and it's caused a bit of a strained relationship between them.
Dad
Her dad took he to her first concert when she was ten. A l love of music was always something that they had in common, and he was always one of the first ones to encourage her dream of being in a band. He took her to her first concert, bought her her first electric guitar, and her first microphone. A quiet and gentle man, he was always the first one to try and end the argument in the house and calm everyone down. She's never heard him yell in her life, unless it was at one of her shows. And the only time she's ever seen him cry was when she was diagnosed. Although he's worried about her health, she is far more supportive of her dream then her mother.
This was an important night for her and the band. The their first show after the released of The Other Side. And it was a home show. But it was also more than that. This is the same venue that her dad brought her to her first concert when she was a kid. It would be the first time she ever plays this stage, and she was nervous. That day was the first time she admitted to her father that she wanted to be in a band. And now here she was.
They'd just been given their two minute warning and she could hear the excitement of the crowd in her in-ears. There was a tap on her shoulder. Jenna turned and smiled. Her dad handed her a bottle of water. She took it gratefully and took a drink. "Thanks, dad." He only nodded. She asked the question that she already knew the answer to. But she hoped that one day Nikki would surprise her. "Did Nikki come?" He shook his head with a frown.
Whakaio interrupted them for a moment, nodding a greeting to her dad when he handed her a microphone. One minute.
She looked up at her dad and he leaned down to hug her. Jenna moved to pull back, but her father's arms stayed around her. "I remember when you told me you wanted to do this for the rest of your life. You were ten years old and looking up at this stage. And I believed you. There is no way I can express how proud I am to be your dad," he whispered, before pulling away and kissing her forehead.
Jenna blamed him for the that were in her eyes as she walked up the ramp only a few seconds later and was greeted the biggest roar of a crowd that any of them had heard.
Nikki - Older Sister
Jenna wasn't sure exactly when her and Nikki fell out. But since ever since Nikki started college, they hadn't really been able to get along. Six years older than her, while they were growing up Jenna always wanted to do the same things that Nikki did. Play with the same toys. Watch the same cartoons. She liked the things she liked because Nikki liked them. Everything changed when Jenna started getting really sick all the time and then eventually got diagnosed. Suddenly Nikki turned bitter. Nikki was so busy with medical school, and then working in the hospital, that it seemed they never had time to talk about it. To this day, she'd never been to one of the band's shows, even when they were at home.
Loni - Younger Sister
Loni has always looked up to Jenna. Being five years younger, Jenna's always felt responsible for her little sister, especially since Nikki always seemed to be in her own little world. Even after Jenna got diagnosed, she'd always been the most optimistic one in the house. She was always hopeful, no matter how grim things looked. And when Loni tried to keep you happy and look on the brighter side of things, it was hard not to see it her way. Jenna was sometimes jealous of Loni's gift of always seeing the good side of things. Loni was always the one cheering her on from the sidelines, whether it was while she was on stage, or while she was in the hospital.
Grandma & Grandpa (Mom's side)
Her mother's parents were very prim and proper and were very open about how they don't approve of Jenna's career choice, especially when her sister is a doctor. She'd loved them because they are family, but she never liked visiting them because Jenna could never do anything right in their eyes. Jenna has always made sure they had a copy of her band's EPs and CDs, but she's pretty sure that they have never opened them.
Grandma & Grandpa (Dad's side)
Her gandfather's father was an Aborgine. Just as much she loved spending time with her Maori uncle, she loved spending time is this side of her family. Her grandfather and uncle are the only reasons that Jenna is spiritual at all. She loved sitting at his feet and listening to the stories. It was at her grandfather's house that she played her first guitar. She found it in the back of the closet in the guest room. Jenna never even knew that he played the guitar. She pulled the acoustic out and started playing it. It really needed a little TLC, but it was beautiful. He let her take it home. She learned how to restore it herself, and to this day, it sits in the corner of her bedroom.
Jenna never knew her father's mother. She died before Jenna was born. But sometimes she felt like she knew her because of all the stories that she would hear about her from her dad and grandfather. She certainly wishes she could have met her.
Aunt Jamie & Uncle Nikora (Mom's side)
Jenna loved her uncle. Her Aunt moved over to New Zealand with him after they got married. Jenna loved going to visit them. She loved the Maori. She loved to listen to him tell their native stories and legends. Every summer they would go and visit them for a few weeks. It was Jenna's favorite time of the year. They would sit on the beach in her Aunt and Uncle's backyard around a bonfire and listen to Nikora and his father tell story after story. Jenna would always be the last one to fall asleep on those nights, because she didn't want the stories to end.
Jenna was jealous of her Aunt Jamie. That she got out of Sydney. That she got away from everything that Jenna hated about the big city. That she lived on the beach. That she married into the Maori people. If Jenna were ever to want a normal life, that is the kind of normal life that she wanted. She had the house, the husband, the love story. Jamie seemed so happy all the time. Even when times were bad or tough. And whenever Jenna visited them, it was hard to keep that happiness from rubbing off on her.
Jenna also loved her cousins, Kauri and Hemi. Although Nikki and Loni didn't really bond with them too much, Jenna was attached to their hips whenever they were visiting. They would sneak out in the middle of the night and go fishing, hiking. All the things that Jenna's parents didn't really like her doing, in case she suddenly had an attack. That was one of the reasons why Jenna loved going to her Aunt and Uncle's place in New Zealand. They were the only family members that didn't treat her like the crippled one.
Loni was aleady asleep, Nikki wasn't interested in coming and her mother complained that it was too cold outside. She protested about Jenna being in the cold night air but her father put a silence to almost argument really fast and promised that she wouldn't outside very long. So it was just her and the boys. Her dad, Uncle and her cousins that decided to go out on the beach for a bonfire.
She slipped the hood of her sweatshirt over her head and scooted a little closer to the fire so her marshmallow that was on the tip of the stick could cook a little better. Once they were stuffed with all the marshmallows and chocolate that they could eat, Jenna laid on her back to look up at the vast expanse of the stars above her as her uncle started telling one of her one of her favorite stories of Ranginui and Papatuanuku. It was the story of the beginning of creation. She listened to her uncle's voice as she stared up at the stars. "In the beginning there was darkness, and these two, the earth and the sky, lay together. They had many children, who lay between them. It was dark for many ages; there was as yet no world with its bright light..."
There was something magic about his voice that Jenna had always been very jealous of. He was a gifted storyteller. As she stared up to the sky long enough it was like the stars were at his command. She watched with a small smile as the story unfolded before her, like old cave paintings that came alive. She only wished that she could have a voice like his one day.
I was back in high school when
We were talking late, from ten
Staying up till three am
Just friends
You didn't have your license yet
We would lie under sunsets
Without a single worry yet
Just friends
And you would let me cut your hair
I thought about you everywhere
I haven't been the same since then
Just friends
The sun was setting as they lounged in her backyard. Although it was getting dark the humidity in the air was still heavy, warming her skin against the cool sunset breeze coming from the ocean. Jenna hummed to herself as she combed her fingers through his hair, shaking the loose strands that she just cut fall to the grass at her feet. Jenna sighed, exasperated as he looked down again while she was trying to cut around his ear. "Stop moving!" she smiled, pulling his head up again.
Tommy chuckled. "I can't play when I don't know where my fingers are going," he complained. Sitting with her guitar in his lap, his fingers weren't as trained and comfortable on the strings as hers were.
"You could, if you played enough." She made a few snips with the scissors, trimming the hair around his ear.
Tommy rolled his eyes. "I'm not as musically inclined as you."
"It's only because I practice every day."
Tommy took one of her hands and turned his head to look at her. "It's because you were born to do this."
Jenna paused, looking at him in surprise and then looked down with a smile. "...maybe. I guess time will tell." She set down the scissors and positioned his fingers on the neck of the guitar, while still standing behind him. "It has nothing to do with seeing the strings. You just have to feel them. And eventually, your fingers will just know where to go, and you won't have to think anymore. Music is all about feeling. Not thinking." She places his fingers on the right strings and at the right frets, and then strums with her other hand. She hums a melody with the matching chord.
Her voice stops abruptly when she turns away from him and is thrown into a coughing fit. The guitar fell off Tommy's lap in his haste to stand up. "Jenna! You okay?"
A hand covering her mouth she nodded. "F-" Another stream of coughs cut her off. "F-fine. I'm fine." She took a deep breath to regain her composure. "I'm good...I'm good."
I left you at the station where
I would cry and watch you stare
Out the window as you left
Just friends
The news was sudden. It wasn't his fault that his parents told him so late. And there was nothing for her to do. Nothing for her to say. Nothing for either of them to say. They were teenagers. There was nothing a teenager could do when your boyfriend's parents decide to move to another country because his dad got a job offer that he couldn't refuse. They could accept it. They could lie to each other and say that they would stay in touch. That they would talk everyday. Even as they agreed to this, she knew it may start out that way. But eventually, what would become one call a day will turn into one a week. Then one a month. Then one every few months. Until they stop talking completely. Until their relationship becomes nothing more than a fond memory from the void of their teenage years.
She she stood on the train platform, hands stuffed in her back pockets, looking up at him and his family through the window. Tommy looked down at her with a small smile. She tried to return it, but couldn't. Sure, she may sound like a whining teenager. So her boyfriend is moving away. What a tragedy. But not every teenager is told they will most likely be dead by the age of 35.
Tommy pressed a hand against the glass. "Take care" was written on his palm with a permanent marker. When she saw that, she did smile, but not without a tear rolling down her face. She would talk to him everyday, she told herself. She would. But even as she promised, on that sunny day standing on the platform as his train started pulling away, she knew it was a lie.
I called you from a payphone, I'm
Out of the country, but I'm fine
I just miss you all the time
Just friends
She was running. Something she's been told to not do since she was diagnosed at twelve years old. Her mom chased her out the front door, but she didn't stop. She didn't turn around. She had to keep going. Because this couldn't be true. This couldn't be happening. It had to be a lie. So much had already been taken from her. Not her too.
Jenna had no idea where she was going. She slowed down to a walk once she was a couple blocks away from her house. She doubled over to catch her breath as the wheezes were leaving her lungs. Clinching her eyes shut she forced herself to take deep breaths. It's something she's become quite good at the last few years. Mind over matter. The human body was an extraordinary thing, capable of amazing things, if you put your mind to it. She probably could be a great runner, if she could breathe properly.
Jenna started walking again. She stopped, hesitating when she passed a payphone. Biting at her bottom lip, she still remembered the phone number. It had been almost a year since he moved away, and a couple months since she'd talked to him. Her heart ached. No matter how much time has passed, she still missed him. She pulled some change from her pocket, hoping it was enough. Taking a deep breath as she dialed the phone, Jenna could already feel her eyes welling with tears.
"Hello...?" his voice cracked.
Her legs trembled at the sound. She must of woke him up. Leaning heavily against the wall of the phone booth, she whispered. "...Tommy?"
There was a long pause and only a rustle could be heard from his end of the line. "Jenna?"
"Yeah, it's me," she squeaked. The tightness in her chest was not because of her disease. The weight of the pain wasn't from stress on her weak lungs. It was sadness. And loss, finally surfacing.
"What's wrong?"
A hand covered her mouth as the tears finally started spilling over and a strangled sob erupted from the between her lips. "Tommy...it's Amelia..."
And there were so many things I wanted to say
But I was a mess and you moved away
And I think of all the times that you were right
I wish I could explain
They were on their first trip to the United States to record their first full album. After signing with Fearless Records, they were all excited. Being an Australian band signed to an American label was a big deal. This was always the plan. They loved playing in their own country, but America was the center of pop punk. If you could make it there, your band had a future.
Jenna was sitting next to the window of the house they were renting in Studio City. It was raining outside. It had been a hard day in the studio. Emotional. Every song Jenna's ever written has always come from someplace personal. So to be putting them down on something permanent for other people to hear was a lot of things. It was exciting, and terrifying. The thought of someone ripping apart her thoughts and memories didn't sit well with her. But it was extra hard today, because of one particular song.
Her phone had been in her had for a few minutes now. It had probably been a year since she talked to him, if not more. There were so many things that she wanted to say over the years. That she wanted to update him with. That she wanted to know about him. And was about time that caught up. She pressed the send button and lifted the phone her ear. "Hello?"
"...hey," she said simply.
"Jenna? Jesus...how long has it been?"
She smiled gently. "A while."
"Yeah well...how are you?"
"I'm okay. I'm in Los Angeles."
"Are you really?"
Jenna glanced out towards the rain. "Yeah. We got signed out here. We...I recorded a song about Amelia today."
There was silence between them for a moment. His voice was much softer when he spoke again. "She'd be very proud of you."
A single tear rolled down her cheek. "...I know."
Cause every time I ran, I ran to you
I meant it every time I said I loved you
I kiss the thought of you and I
I still regret the day that we said goodbye
And do you think of me at night?
I still wish we could have made it right
We can't say that we never tried
I guess everything seems more clear
Here on the other side
And if you're wondering, I'm great
I'm stronger now, but still the same
My love for you it will remain
My friend
It was the first night of the tour with Pierce the Veil. Jenna was excited. Although it wouldn't be the first time they they tour the United States, this one was bound to be big for them. These were the fans that they wanted to reach out to. These were the fans that she met at Warped Tour this passed summer and truly hoped they could gain the approval of.
She stepped off the bus and was riding the skateboard that Vic let her borrow towards the venue. She was already late for soundcheck. "Jenna!"
She turned, hopping off the skateboard, glancing in the direction that her name was called. Expecting to find a fan, she was faced with an unfamiliar man walking towards him. She smiled out of instinct. But something was pulling at her memories. Although it had been years since she saw him, he still looked the same. "Oh my god..." she whispered in shock. She dropped the skateboard and it rolled off the sidewalk into the street. "Oh my god!" she said again, louder. Suddenly her feet were moving again and she found herself running, nearly tackling Tommy to the ground when she wrapped her arms around his shoulders.
It's a moment she's thought of since she watched his train pull away from her all those years ago. And it's better than she have ever imagined. "I can't believe you're here!"
"I wouldn't miss it for the world."
Although a part of her heart would always ache for him, she was just overjoyed to see her friend again.
Prompt: RL >> The characters stumble upon a crime scene under investigation.
Featuring: Jenna McDougall & Nikki Sixx
Note: Nikki's replies are in blockquotes
Nikki was just strolling through downtown Los Angeles, something that he loved to do when his mind was racing and the thoughts wouldn’t stop. With a lit cigarette in one hand, he slowly walked along the sidewalk, until the loud, piercing wail of sirens broke his peaceful state of mind. The bassist flinched and cringed, and when the police car and ambulance passed him, his curiosity got the better of him. He briskly followed their path, not knowing where he was going. But that was all part of the stroll.
A horrific scene greeted him. The paramedics were loading a young woman, beaten and bruised, into the back of the ambulance, and police were surrounding the quiet little house that was no doubt the scene of the horrific crime. Two burly men in uniform were questioning a middle-aged man, who appeared to have cuts all across his face, and tape was lining the perimeter. Nikki then noticed a chalk outline on the driveway’s pavement. His eyes went a little wide at the realization, and he looked around, wondering if any other spectators would join.
It was only a few days until their US tour was going to start, so they were spending a few days in Los Angeles doing a couple photoshoots and press interviews before they leave for the first date. They had spent the day at Hot Topic headquarters doing a live chat and recording an interview and a small acoustic set. All the talking and singing had gotten to her voice. She had already been feeling a little sick as it is. If she couldn’t talk by tomorrow their tour manager would probably put her on vocal rest. At least that would save her from doing more interviews for a days. She left the hotel to get something for her throat when she walked passed an ice cream parlor and she stopped immediately. She could never have enough sugar.
On her way back to the hotel Jenna turned when she heard the sirens and all the emergency vehicles stop just around the corner. She watched in curiosity as most people just kept about their business, not paying the policeman or paramedics any attention at all. She scoffed. Typical Americans. She headed to the corner and hopped up onto a stone wall just beyond the yellow tape they already tied up to watch the scene. Apparently she wasn’t the only curious one. After filling her mouth with another spoonful of vanilla ice cream and hot fudge she eyed one of the other people that stopped. “I know you….” she said with a mouth full, pointing over at him. She clinched her eyes shut, trying to swallow what was in her mouth, coughing when it went down the wrong. “Sorry..” She coughed a few times into the crook of her elbow and took a deep breath when she could speak normally again. “Yeah…I know you…I think.”
Nikki raised an eyebrow and looked at the woman beside him. He smiled at her comment. “Yeah, you probably do.” He turned to watch the scene in front of them, slowly shaking his head. “I wonder what the hell happened here…” he whispered with curiosity.
She eyes him for a moment and then points at him in realization. “Oh!! Oh my god. My dad took me to see you guys when I was like 13 down in Australia. It was one of my first concerts. Wow…” She chuckles to herself, scooping another spoonful of ice cream in her mouth. “My dad is gonna flip when I tell him. He will be so jealous.” Another string of coughs erupted from her lungs. She really needed to stop talking with a mouthful if food. She sets the small bowl of ice cream down as she shields her mouth with her hand. Jenna puts a hand on her chest, taking a relaxing breath once the coughs passed.
Picking up the ice cream bowl again she hopped off the short brick wall and went over to stand next to him. She shrugged. “Not sure.” She glanced around them. There were still people passing by without casting so much of a glance of the obvious heart ache they were passing. “It’s slightly disheartening when in general people don’t seem to really care about each other. Except for the people that are paid to do so.”
Nikki tenderly rubbed the young woman’s back as she coughed, nodding with a smile when he knew the fit was over. “Don’t die, girl… there’s already one dead chick over there.”
He shook his head as he too eyed the pedestrians just walking along without a care. “Humanity is fucked, if you ask me…” he said with a little growl.
Jenna waved her hand at him. “I’m fine. I swear. Just getting a little colder and such. She chuckled to herself at the irony. He had no idea how right he was. If her immune system couldn’t fight off an infection, she could easily be dead very soon. Just like the woman underneath the sheet on the other side of the yellow tape in front of them. Of course it wouldn’t be in the same way, and no one would be responsible for it. But dead is dead. Staring at the white sheet, Jenna wondered who the girl was beneath it, and who would remember her. Was someone else here her family or was she alone? What did she plan on doing with her life and did she ever get anything that she really wanted. Jenna looked back down at the ice cream, seeing the rest had melted. She frowned, tossing it in a trash can not too far away from them.
She crossed her arms against the slight chill that filled the air. Or maybe it was the ice cream. “The world would go a long way if people were just a little nicer to each other. It’s remarkable what a little kindness can do.” She stuffed her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. “I hope someone remembers her…”
Nikki frowned and took off his jacket, wrapping it around the cold, younger woman and smiled at her. He then frowned and looked at the sheet-covered gurney with sadness. “If anything… we will.”
Jenna looked away from the sheet and down at the jacket that was set around her shoulders. She smiled a little, glancing up at him. “…thanks,” she muttered. Wow, her dad was going to freak out about this when she told him. She may be a in a band herself now, but that didn’t mean that she still didn’t get excited when she met the people responsible for the music that she grew up with. Jenna nodded at his comment. “Yeah. I guess.” She started humming suddenly. A melody that had been stuck in her head for the last few weeks. A small smile found its way onto her lips. “Maybe a lot more people can too. Music can do some amazing things.” She slipped the jacket off and passed it back to him. “Thank you, but I gotta get back to my hotel. I’ve got a song to write and a tour to get ready for. It was ice meeting you. Really.”
"And it was a pleasure meeting you…" Nikki’s face turned a little red and he scratched the back of his head. "I-I don’t think I caught your name."
Jenna reached out her hand after he took his jacket back. “I’m Jenna. Jenna McDougall.” She shook his hand, looking up at the taller man with a bright smile. “I’m sure I’ll see you around eventually.” She released his hand and waved backing away from him. She turned and hurried back down the street towards her hotel. She checked the time on her phone, calculating what time it would be in Australia right now. First thing she was going to do was call her dad. Then, she was going to write a song. Maybe Whak would want to help her write out this melody too. She stopped for a second, looking up at the Capitol Records building. She really did love being in the U.S.
"The pleasure is mine," Nikki simply said with a warm tone. He then turned his head and watched her walk away and then gave a sigh. The slamming of the ambulance doors caught his attention, and he frowned a little as he watched the vehicle drive away, sirens blaring and tires squealing. "Death is only a long sleep…" he mumbled to himself, and then he slipped his jacket back on and walked home.
Which is strange, because I haven't known you that long. In fact, I have only physically been in your presence for only three days of the time that we have known each other. I didn't really get to know you until after you were gone. How does that work? I guess it doesn't really matter. Because it did happen. And god, I already miss you. At lengths that I shouldn't be falling this quickly. Maybe it's because of how much we seem to need each other. I know that I need you.
Right now, more than anything, I miss sleeping beside you. It may have only been for a few nights, but the warmth next to me was intoxicating. I miss your arms around me. I miss the feelings of your fingers and the weight of your hand on my hip. I miss your smile. You have no idea how beautiful of a person you truly are, and that beyond all else, makes me sad. You need to smile more. You need a reason to smile more. Because when you do, it's not just your mouth that smiles. It's your eyes too. The happiness just pours off you, and it's contagious. When you smile, I smile. When you laugh, I laugh. And that I think, is why I was attracted to you from the very beginning. I need more smiles and more laughing in my life.
I love your voice. The tone makes my skin tingle. But mostly, I love your whisper. I love it when you are laying behind me, arms around my waist and you talk quietly into my ear. Shivers run down my spine. I can feel your breath on my neck, and it makes me realize how much I've needed this. How much I've needed someone like you to be at my side with the things that are going on right now. I need someone else to fight with me. Someone to fight for. And whenever you are close to me, I am reminded why it is important to have someone.
Moving out of her parents house was never something that was on her most important to do list. It was just somewhere to sleep. Besides, she was pretty sure her parents wouldn't have agreed any sooner than this to let her find someplace else. They worried enough when she was on tour. Jenna knew this was going to be an annoyingly long process for her, but for once, she gave her parents a break. This was a big deal for them. Ever since her diagnosis, they'd been used to being in charge of almost her entire life. Since joining the band, that wasn't the case anymore. They lost control of where she went and who went with her. The last thing that had even a little control of was her medical care.
But now they weren't going to be there to make sure she was taking her meds and refilling them on time. They weren't going to be there to make sure that she was sleeping comfortably and wearing the vest when she needed to. They weren't going to be there to make sure she used the nebulizer before bed every night. They weren't going to be there. And that was a problem with them. But that wasn't really something that Jenna cared about. She loved her parents and her family. And all the support. But it was about time that her life was completely her own.
Her mother was currently making sure that Jenna had packed all her medical things. Pills. Inhalers. Etc. Etc. Etc. Jenna had two drawers in her bedroom filled with everything she needed to life with cystic fibrosis. Or at least what used to be her bedroom. It wasn't anymore. She mused for a second about what her parents would do with it? Turn it into a guest room? An office? She spent nineteen years of her life dreaming of ways about how to get out of it. And now it was empty. Now it would turn into something else.
Jenna managed to somehow get her parents to the front door she could finally leave. Hugging them both, Jenna didn't wait to stick around for the final tears. As soon as she was out of the front door she ran across the front lawn and hopped into the passenger seat of her friend's car. She would be moving into an apartment with one of her best friends. Of course she was offered an extra room in a house that a few of the guys had started renting a few months ago, but she said no. They were too much like her parents. Hounding her about her condition. That's not what she needed. Not what she wanted. This is what she wanted.
Part Two
Right now, the only thing that I cared about getting set up was my bed and my guitar. To be honest, the only thing that I really needed to live day in and day out was a bed and a guitar. Well, and I guess my pills too. As much as I don't want to admit it, I wouldn't get all that far without them, no matter how hard I try. I'd probably end up in a hospital bed within a couple weeks, depending on well I'd been doing the last few months. Right now I'm feeling pretty good, which I'm sure is the only reason that my parents didn't make a big deal about this as they could have.
They could have made it impossible for me to leave. Or at least they could have made the guilt unbearable and kept me there for a little longer. I'm grateful that they didn't though. I needed this. I've been wanting this. And it was about fucking time that I made choices completely on my own. Just because I was sick didn't mean I was incapable, although that's the truth for some people. I'm sure my parents don't mean to be like that and they only want the best of me, but it's hard to stay patient when its your life they are deciding.
This place was only an apartment, but it was heaven. No one nagging at her to take her pills or to see if she'd used her nebulizer yet. I can leave my dirty clothes on the floor if I fucking wanted to. There wasn't anyone else to do my laundry but myself. There was just me. Although it didn't matter too much. I would probably spend more time on tour and in a bus then I would here, it was still hard to feel high on the liberating feeling that I got driving away from home.
The first thing I got out before we even put together my bed was my guitar. Now I'll admit, I'm not the best of guitarists. That's why I don't play on stage anymore. I felt like I was hiding behind it. Once I joined this band being just the vocalist, it was the best that that ever happened to me. It's like I was being set free. But I got it out and already started writing a new song. One about acceptance, and about moving forward. Because whether we like it or not, we all have to do it eventually.
They met on Warped Tour. Jenna heard of them of course. Even seen them before, the first time they played Soundwave down in Australia. Although Tonight Alive had only just started and weren't invited, they bought tickets and went anyway. It was the last time they would attend a festival together as just fans. But this was Warped Tour 2012. He was the one to walk over and introduce himself when on Production day. She was trying to find the right size in a pair of Vans that she liked and had dropped the box in her hands. When she bent down to pick it up, someone else did so before she could get a hand on it. She glanced up, still in a crouch to find him staring down at her, with a pleasant smile. "Hi. I'm Vic." He reached a hand down towards her and helped her stand. "I think these are yours..." he passed the box back to her.
"Yeah...I know." Jenna blushed lightly. "Sorry, that was rude. I'm Jenna, from Tonight Alive."
He shook her hand. "Australian...?" he guessed. By the look on his face he'd hoped he guessed right.
She smiled."Yeah."
He released the breath he was holding, still shaking her hand gently. "Good...good. I'm from Pierce the Veil."
Jenna nodded. "Yeah..I know." She glanced down at their hands, which were still together.
Vic followed her gaze. "Oh!" He let go, stuffing both hands into his pockets. "...sorry."
Jenna chuckled. "No, it's fine. It's nice to meet you."
"Yeah...you too." He bounced on the balls of his feet lightly, looking at the shoes in her hands. "Those are nice. I mean cute. I mean...match your outfit..?"
Jenna laughed. He was trying so hard. "Yeah, I like them. I was just trying to find my size."
"I uh...I can help." They crouched down together, sorting through the boxes. "So...how do you like America?"
Jenna glanced at him with a smile.
Part Two
The first time he came to watch them, she was nervous. It was in California. Finally their set times or signing times didn't happen close enough to each other that he was able to come catch their set on the Kevin Says Stage. It's the first time she'd had butterflies in her stomach in a long time. She could see him on the side of the stage the entire time and had a hard time focusing on the crowd knowing that his eyes were on her. Between each song she noticed a few fans right up front trying to get his attention. Jenna appreciated the fact that he kept his attention on the stage, but that didn't stop her from pointing him out on the side of the stage and introducing him to everyone. As if they didn't know him. While the crowd screamed she looked over and winked at him. He just smiled in return.
Part Three
When he asked her if she wanted to go to Warped Prom with him, she didn't realize it was going to be their first date. She wore the only dress that she'd brought with her. It was strapless, and light blue. But she still wore a plaid button up over it. Jenna never did feel comfortable looking like a girl. She blushed when he commented on how pretty she looked. Jenna glanced at their feet and murmured thank you. They were never too far away from each other the whole night. It wasn't until he asked her to dance that Jenna realized he'd meant for this to be a date. The epiphany surprised her so much she'd stopped in the middle of the dance and he'd asked what was wrong?
"Was this...is this a date?" she asked.
Standing in the middle of what was an apparent dance floor, Vic looked down, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Something she'd learned he did when he was nervous. "Ummmm...yes...?" Jenna looked down, tucking hair behind both of her ears. "Is that....okay?"
The fact that he asked if it was okay that they were out on an official date was one of the cutest things she'd ever heard. He was nervous, and obviously worried that she was going to probably say no, slap him, and stomp away. "Yes...that's okay." The grin that he gave her in return was her favorite moment from that summer.
Part Four
The first time they kissed he interrupted her as she was talking about why popcorn was the staple of every tour. They were on Tonight Alive's bus. The rest of her bandmates were at the barbeque. After hearing her cough Vic insisted that they stay in and watch a movie instead. Right in the middle of telling him why she would refuse to eat butterless popcorn, Jenna was interrupted by his lips on hers. At first all she could taste was the butter on their lips. He backed up after a moment, searching her face for any kind of sign that he'd been to forward. All Jenna did in response was lean in to kiss him again.
Part Five
There was only a couple weeks left on Warped Tour. She wasn't looking forward to go home. She wasn't looking forward to being away from Vic. But they had some shows scheduled at home, and then a few in Europe. When he asked her if they would be interested in touring with them in the fall, Jenna didn't answer quite like how he expected. She jumped, wrapping both arms around his neck and her legs around his hips. "Yes! Yes!" He laughed and started turning her in circles. Jenna screamed when he lost his footing and they both fell to the ground. Jenna laid on top of him, laughing hysterically. "I can't wait to tour with you." She kissed him.
Part Six
The first time they woke up naked was the day before the first Collide With the Sky Tour show. They hadn't seen each other in a couple months. Tonight Alive's bus showed up in Pomona and PTVs bus was already there. Jenna barely let their bus park before she ran over to the other black bus, throwing open the door, almost tripping on the steps. She nearly barreled over Tony on her way to Vic, who was sitting on the couch in the front lounge. The rest of the guys conventionally disappeared in the next few moments. Although it was a little awkward in a bunk, neither of them really cared very much. It wasn't however, as awkward as the next morning when she tried to get dressed inside his bunk...but had no idea where her shirt disappeared to.
Part Seven
The day she told him about the disease was one of the worst that she could remember. He was angry at first. Furious that she didn't tell him sooner. It was a couple weeks into the Collide With the Sky Tour. Vic was on the Tonight Alive bus. She told the rest of her mates that she was going to tell Vic that night, so they made themselves scarce for a few hours. He was silent for a few moments, looking down at her hands holding his. Jenna waited. She knew he wasn't going to take this well. After sitting silently for a moment, he paced, staring down at her feet. Although she was dying to know what he was going to say, she held her tongue, giving him time to process it. She didn't however expect him to up and leave without saying a word. Jenna didn't both following him. It would only make it worse.
She laid in her bunk that night, the curtain drawn, crying herself softly to sleep. When her band mates finally returned they were quiet, whispering to each other so she wouldn't hear, just in case she was awake. Vic purposefully avoided her the next day before the show. Every time he saw her, he looked away. It hurt, but she gave him his space. Jenna couldn't blame him really. It was a lot to take in. She wasn't sure how she handled the knowledge to be honest. It was just something she was used to by now.
When they went on, Jenna stood center stage at the opening riffs of "Breaking & Entering" when she saw him, standing side stage. He was smiling. He raised his hand and held up the only sign language that she knew. That was the first time he said I love you.
Part Eight
They weren't sure she was going to make it before getting to the top of the transplant list. They had to celebrate their one year anniversary in the hospital. Although she couldn't eat because she was on a strict liquid diet, she said it was a nice dinner anyway. They also did a webchat fans. The truth about her disease had been recently released to the public. After she passed out on stage a couple months before it was becoming harder to keep a secret. Later that night, Jenna woke up on the uncomfortable bed to find Vic still there, asleep in a chair, his feet propped up on her bed. She reached out and touched his hand. Vic was awake immediately. She tried to get him to go home. But he refused. "If you're in here, I'm in here..." he said. And that was the end of the discussion.
Part Nine
She was wearing down fast by the time she was finally at the top of the list. She spent most of her days asleep instead of awake. And every time she woke, he was right there. One time she awoke to his soft cries. Although it hurt for her to speak, there were a few words she was able to get out. "I love you..." Her voice sounded terrible, and it was no more than a whisper. Vic nodded, wiping his tears. "I know." That's all he needed to say. Jenna smiled.
A couple days later when they were wheeling her upstairs for surgery, Vic walked with them for as long as he could, his hand holding her tightly. When the nurses stopped and told him he had to go back to the waiting room now, he leaned down and kissed her gently. "I love you."
Jenna only smiled softly. She opened her mouth to speak, but started coughing instead. With a little difficulty, the nurses were able to seperate their hands. Before they turned the corner Jenna was finally able to get out, "I know."
Part Ten
It's been three weeks. She finally got released from the hospital and got to go home.
Today he asked her to marry him. And she said yes.
They had a day of in Perth the next day, which means they were staying in hotel rooms tonight. It would be a welcome luxury. Not that she hated living out of a bus, but a real bed was always nice. It made it easier for the ways that she personally had to sleep. Not to mention she could go through her routine of getting ready for bed entirely alone. Although all the boys were used to every step she had to take before actually sleeping by now, it still made her uncomfortable sometimes. But being alone, there was no one to watch her. No one asking questions. No one sending her worried glances when she coughs. It was moments like this that she finally got to feel normal. Like any other person in the world getting ready for bed.
After ordering pizza and watching a movie with Aiden on TV Jenna opened Pandora on her laptop and searched Florence + the Machine. It was one of her favorite stations to listen to at this point in the night. It was just...peaceful, and she would often find herself jealous of some of the voices she would hear. She opened the bathroom door and started the shower, making the water as hot as she could stand it. Jenna coughed. She could feel the mucus rolling around her lungs. It hadn't been too bad in the passed weeks. The new meds they put her on after her recent stay in the hospital were helping. At least in that aspect. She undressed and stepped into the shower as a Mumford & Sons songs started. She mouthed the lyrics quietly as the water ran over her skin. It stung, but was a relief at the same time. The pale porcelain of her skin began to turn pink against the heat. She took deep breaths, pulling the steam into her lungs. It helped loosen everything in her lungs and brought some relief.
Green dye bled from her hair down to her feet and across the white tub. She would have to dye it again soon. The pastel green was fading rather quickly. After getting out of the shower she wrapped a towel around her and sang to the Imagine Dragons song that was playing while she combed the knots out of her hair. She glanced at the time on her phone. Mikey would be on skype soon. They'd been chatting almost everyday since he left. Jenna set her comb down and dropped her towel to changing into pajamas when an old Cranberries song started. She grinned, jumping ontop of the bed in just her underwear and started singing along.
She stopped abruptly when she heard the ring of skype among the music. Letting herself plop down onto the mattress, she hurriedly pulled on a t-shirt before answering the call. They both chatted about what they had done that day and how much it sucked being so far away from each other. She pulled out a plastic zip up bag from her backpack that contained all her meds and took them as they spoke. She butchered the correct names for them as she explained what each one was for. She showed him the nebulizer but wouldn't use it until they ended the video call. Not only would she not be able to speak while she used it, it would have been incredibly awkward. That would have to wait for another day. She was touched that he cared and wanted to know how she took care of herself, or at least how she was supposed to, for future reference.
After saying goodnight and blowing a kiss to the camera she signed off skype and prepared the nebulizer. She laid back, putting the device in her mouth and breathing the medication into her lungs. It was the most time consuming part of her routine. It wasn't something she couldn't afford to not do most days. Others she would neglect out of pure spite. Although the words of her doctor still echo in her head at some moments like this, she hated that he was right. After turning off the nebulizer she got the most uncomfortable part of her routine ready. Although she didn't need to wear it every night, how much she's been sick and coughing lately she hadn't been able to sleep without it. Inflating the vest around her chest she shut off her laptop and stuck headphones in her ear to drown out the noise of the vest. Setting up the pillows on her bed so that she could sit up slightly, Jenna turned the lamp off next to the bed and laid her chest back. It was never the most comfortable to sleep, but she'd gotten used to it over the years. She would wake up a few times through the night. Cursing to herself, she switched the light back on again and pulled out the one pill bottle that wasn't prescription. She swallowed three of them before laying back again. It was the only thing that really helped her sleep. Jenna got into the most comfortable position she could with the vest around her and finally started to doze off...
