I've been a single parent for a very long time - since 2010 and there are many days I question myself, if I can do this, how can I do this. I tell myself daily I'm not good enough, I'm failing and I deserved all the sh*t I've experienced. In the past I've been lied to, manipulated, cheated on, gaslit and more. I could go on, things I've previously spoke about over the years as a cathartic way of healing and processing but I've definitely overshared in the past because of the freedom of being able to do so but I've processed alot, changed alot and I'm still processing, still learning about myself.
I've listened to pessimistic ideas of who and what I am that aren't true - believing I deserved that kind of treatment. I've been bullied and neglected in terrible relationships and I know now about boundaries and speaking about what an issue is, I know if someone makes me unhappy I don't deserve it.
Yes, I've made mistakes, many, I've not reacted in the best way to negative things, I've not been the best version of myself but I forgive myself for not knowing how to deal with things the best way. Teenage me dealt with a lot, twenty year old me didn't know her own identity.
When I was younger, I thought I needed to follow the life that everyone seemed to have, it was entirely wrong for me because we all can't follow a set guideline of what society thinks is good - aka uni, job, house, marriage kids - I was never destined for that ...
Which brings me to today, 2023, single parent of three children and so many positive (and negative) lessons I've learnt that maybe one day I can put to good use to raise independent and strong willed, individual children. I feel bad I can't give them more, I used to want a standard family life, I felt ashamed I couldn't achieve that. I felt embarrassed I couldn't even give my children the same father. I felt guilt for not having a career and raising them at the same time. I felt that they'd be embarrassed by having a single mum. I felt all the things for a long time because you're judged as a young mum or judged for being a stay at home mum or judged for not being married - it's like there's no pleasing anyone - not anymore though.