▲ five times my muse thought about kissing yours, and the one time they did
[ one ] it was their first time together at dairy queen; they had seen each other there before, and cato liked to tease donovan on his obsession with the oreo blizzards, but they had never walked in together for just a regular hang out. cato ordered a vanilla cup, which rewarded him with a laugh from his friend who said cato should be more adventurous with his choices. they were across from each other in the booth; cato kept his legs stiff under the table. mid-conversation, a bit of oreo is left on the side of donovan’s lips and cato’s eyes linger slightly. he struggled with the idea of wanting to both kiss him and run away from him.
[ two ] before they met, cato had never noticed donovan’s shadow at track practice. he always ran the other way, never really interacting with him in between laps. he wondered how he ever looked past him; donovan was the type of person cato hoped to have in his life. he wasn’t full of shit like every other person in their shitty ass school and it was refreshing to have someone to talk to who was genuine. track practice had been hectic that day. their coach had pushed them extra hard for their upcoming meet, and the work-out even had cato at the edge of a breakdown. when he found donovan behind the building of the gym, his breath was uneven and he was dry heaving toxic air. cato had never grabbed a water bottle as quickly as he did then, making sure his friend was okay. the breath had been kicked out of him, traveling throughout the air around them in search for his lungs once more, and when the air finally found its way back into donovan’s body, cato could see him completely now. blue eyes, long and lean, vulnerable when invisible. his eyes met his lips once more, and he started to think it wasn’t a coincidence.
[ three ] the beach was always cato’s very hide away; his parent’s beach house stood vacant for more than half of the year every day in orange county, and he had successfully convinced donovan to take a day trip with him to the open shore. it was innocent at first, throwing around the football and grilling hot dogs in the backyard, but cato could not help his smile and that alone scared him. perhaps he just wanted to see how things would be if they got away from their school, if they had a chance to be themselves for once instead of what everyone else wanted them to be. he caught himself one too many times, and when the wrestling started, cato had to stop himself. pinned down and in defeat, donovan looked up at cato and that alone made cato retreat back into his shell, still at war with himself. this is the only time he fully regrets.
[ four ] it wasn’t a date. it wasn’t. a part of him wanted it to be, even if cato wasn’t necessarily listening to that side of himself at the moment. as far as he knew, donovan was way better at being productive than cato was, and he needed help studying. that is the only reason he invited him over: only reason. of course, no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise, he couldn’t ignore the knot that developed in his stomach every time donovan came around. it was starting to get worse; he found himself wanting to hang out with him more than marisol and jeremiah, who always gave him weird looks when he went to talk to donovan as if they weren’t even the same species. still, here they sat; how i met your mother was absentmindedly playing on the tv while textbooks were spread around. donovan was explaining grammar to cato, using his tweets as examples of what not to do, but cato was distracted. it was almost as if everything was on mute and he completely tuned him out. his eyes just went to donovan’s lips once again, thinking about the chance at the beach and how he let it slip through his sandy fingers. he looked back up at donovan, who was now quiet and watching cato contentedly. this is it, cato thought, but as he was beginning to lean in, the door opened, revealing cato’s little sister, quinn. “dinner is ready, cato!” she giggled on her way out and donovan went to follow her, leaving cato and his last attempt behind.
[ five ] it was pitch black, the midnight sky had not caught up to the stars and cato was on his daily jog. his routine had not been tarnished, but his thoughts were not focused on his weight or his muscles or the amount of miles he was running; he only cared that he was running. with his earbuds in and blasting, cato made his way down every path he could possibly take, wondering where he would end up when he finally stopped. marisol came to mind, and her friendship felt like poison in his mouth. he didn’t deserve her. he never did. he saw jeremiah, his laughs becoming taunts whispering in his ear, constant reminders that he wasn’t the male every one expected him to be, continuously in competition to see who is the best, but cato had won that battle. cato knew who he was; it would take a while for jeremiah to know the same. he thought about his parents, and how he might tell them one day (maybe with a joke; he could call them to his room, bust out of his closet and declare he was officially out). still, it would be more efficient if he didn’t give his mother a heart attack in the process. then, he finally thought about him, changing the direction in which he was running, and as the trees and burnt out street lights passed him by, he could feel the same wind he felt that night they met; he could feel the environment around him just the same, but everything was so different now. he was different. he was gay, and he was okay with that, even as he came upon the empty trailer park with one street light, centered where cato’s life changed that very night. he looked around, his breath leaving his body, but a voice brought him back. cato? he turned around, seeing donovan standing there, dumbfounded and confused and obviously having flashbacks as well. what are you doing here? and this time, he didn’t give anyone the opportunity to stop him (not even himself). he looked at him for a second, thinking this is finally it, and walked up to him, counting every second and step in between. donovan gasped the second cato’s lips were on his, and you could still see shock on his face moments after it was over. “i thought you should know,” was all cato said solemnly before running off again, instantly wondering if he should have done that before deciding yes, i should have. thus the birth of gayto.
