the failings (tragedy) in Amanda Todd's story
Amanda Todd, a Vancouver-area teenager who was cyber- and real-time bullied, committed suicide on Wednesday night of this week. Read HuffPost and Vancouver Sun stories (with the video she posted last month in a plea for help). She died less than one month before her 16th birthday.
The tragedy that is Amanda Todd's story drives me to my first Tumblr post because of the holes in major media stories that are left unanswered, and because I'm a parent of three less than teen-aged children and would like to be aware and prepared. (story continues after video...)
Biggest trending story in Vancouver today is #RIPAmanda and #bullying
I want to see a trend start: #ParentsBeInvolved with their kids' lives. Pay attention. Don't let kids be "nothing but fashion accessories for parents", as one young person said recently (what the...?!). And it takes a village to raise a child, so let's see the community spirit come alive with giving help to those who need support, like Amanda, and keeping those in line who need a good swift 'that's not right' kick in the ass (and more - to those who continued to bully this girl).
But first and foremost: shouldn't we be asking ourselves if we know how (and why - and YES we should be!>>) monitoring your child's social networking accounts?
However, teenager @Tanya points out that: "I'm sorry to say, but you [parents] monitoring your kids' social media sites won't do anything. With many teenagers (and this is coming from a teenager who sees the sides that parents don't), they either will be sneaky with things and hide many things..."Â
That drives a point all the way home to recall my own teenage years when I knew how to be sneaky with things. (funny but, my mum seems to have known a lot without me knowing she knew...and I never knew until I was well out of my teen years).
For the Amanda Todd story, I had to view the video, read, re-read, and then seek and read more coverage from various sources of the same story before I started to believe that this was for real. Her story is like a perfect prefab script for an after-school special supporting an awareness campaign on anti-cyber-bullying.
School board and parents say they tried everything they could. Paul McNaughton, principal of Coquitlam Alternate Basic Education (CABE), where Amanda was in Grade 10 said, “She was quite connected [at school]... She had some very strong ties in the school and to staff in the school.
“I can tell you we feel we tried everything we could to help her when she came to us.
So where were all these school connections when Amanda sent out her pleas for help (twice attempted suicide before third time...)? What did they try? And how involved was the school in working with the parents to work this out for Amanda? And what support did the parents have?
Considering the cyber-bullying use of Facebook in Amanda's case, I find irony in the fact that the Vancouver Sun is using Facebook to bring in more people on this discussion (The Sun hosted a day of dialogue on bullying at 1 p.m. and 4 p.m. on Facebook. Visit www.facebook.com/VancouverSun) and that The Amanda Michelle Todd memorial Facebook page was created immediately. Facebook affected Amanda's mental health so tragically with interactions and sharing of material causing her anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts that led to action of the most tragic kind that I feel like lashing out and boycotting FB. But how? We're all so connected via FB. And if not FB, where to connect otherwise?
Don't kid yourself: there's no going back to pre-social networking days. But certainly we can monitor usage, guide in best practice, and encourage a balance of activities - plus teaching right from wrong and all that other good stuff that mums and dads and teachers teach us (or should've taught us, if not taught already).
Good to see that police have now started an investigation on the Amanda Todd bullying and suicide case, but where were they when: 1) a 14 year old (underage) girl was having sex (OK, yes, this happens), 2) was physically PUBLICLY bullied and assaulted outside of her school, and 3) cyber-stalked by a man for (check timeline, but what seems like a period) over nearly two years?
RCMP is asking anyone with info on Amanda Todd investigation to email them: [email protected]Â
and what were the social services doing to support this high-needs case that the school was aware of?
Teachers: what did you do after 'running out' to where Amanda was being assaulted, because it seems like A: 'nothing' since Amanda's video notes say that 'dad found me in a ditch'.
Dad (mom?): where were you after you got Amanda home from this assault? - she was alone to drink bleach. Dad/mom: what did you try that didn't work out, and what DID help (maybe moving schools was a good try)?
- We've only seen Amanda's version, so what was tried in support of this girl's mental ill-health following cyber-bullying (and stalking)?
The anguish she felt over the posting of one photo of her breasts sent online could have possibly been diffused by a 'don't do it again', 'it's your body and be proud' (let's teach each other about self-esteem!!!), or avoided in the first place by:
- parents monitoring internet (webcam and social networking) usage of a child (Grade 7 is still young), even if they don’t like our/parent measures (this includes monitoring, supervising, and restricting their internet activities). Know your social networking and internet safety precautions
- specifically know how to monitor your child's Facebook for safety: very important, seeing as it's use is so wide-spread, and
- having an honest talk about internet risks (as well as life, the universe and everything)
Trying to communicate with teenagers is an age-long challenge.
"Distance and explosiveness are often the only ways your teen knows how to communicate when things get intense—which of course only causes more conflict," writes Debbie Pincu, on the Empowering Parents website in her article, "5 Secrets for Communicating with Teenager".
And we have to try. And trying to communicate with each other about observations (parents to school and vice verse; neighbour-to-neghbour etc) will provide us with a bigger picture.
The heart felt messages pouring out on discussion boards across media and Facebook is enormous, but this can't be a one-day or just a week headline. Social media is here to stay and parents, teachers, neighbours - the whole Vancouver village (and your town too, wherever you are) has to get on board to stop this from happening: protect children especially.
Not one of us, especially as parents, can wait for someone else to take care of an issue. Even if the school system says they 'are doing everything they can' by supporting and providing solutions in cases like Amanda Todd, parents must take care to observe, monitor, support and provide direction (yes it IS ok to be internet police, talk honestly and know where your children are).
Next on the radar: A Vancouver Sun article (2 April 2012) mentioned a planned study on how internet devices and social media affects the family dynamic, normal social interactions, and the impact on a user’s mental health. A study planned for 2012 summer was examining the impact of Facebook on people’s mental health, everyday lives and interactions. I'm looking into the results of this study conducted by Marisa Murray, Ph.D candidate in Clinical Psychology (University of Ottawa), and her supervisor, Dr. Gary Goldfield.