I’m getting a lot of multicultural badfeels rn. I really want to join multicultural organizations at school because I feel like being around more nonwhite people will allow me to talk about stuff and I’ll feel better. But there’s always the problem where I’m never enough of anything to matter. Like I get that Americans are really hung up on countries of origin and if someone can claim to be Irish four gens back then I can be Chinese. And at the very least maybe I could get recognition for having Chinese ancestry.
Bluh, I’m mad because white people can join the Chinese cultural club with no problem but I’m hung up on being half. And with anything with international students I feel like less than nothing. Chinese Americans would get shit for being americanized but that’s just what I am. I guess I represent a fear of assimilation to some international stude ts and its not my fault that I’m what I am. And it’s totally not everyone because I’ve hung out with students who are really chill about me but last year I got a question of why my mother would want anything to do with a white guy, why aren’t I ashamed of myself. And like? it hurts a bit, I guess my parents love each other but that’s not for me to decide, should o be ashamed of myself? What did I do wrong and where do I belong then if I’m some sort of deciever lying about what I am. Like whoops, I ID as an Asian American but actually I am a spooky scary mixed race monster here to disrupt ideas of racial purity and hogging all the boxes on those identification forms.
I should go work out these issues with someone but I’m normally not bothered enough to think about them. It’s just that I’m a little shit and I both do and don’t want to join a club. I mean I’m 99% sure its an interest club, I’m interested in Chinese culture. But I want to fill a void that’s missing rather than the full kids who are just doing stuff they know or sorta know or white people having fun with a culture.
