#monsterpoem

[theinkandpaperofvenus]

*This is THE most emotional poem I've ever written.  I stayed up until 3am crying writing it.  It was really cathartic.  It ended up being 6 and a half pages - I refer to it as my monster poem. I felt a little dead and empty after writing it but also liberated.*

Foolish Girl

I want you

A foolish girl would call it love

A smart girl wouldn’t know what to call it

But what I feel for you

is strong

Don’t ask me why

or even how

because I don’t know

but all I know

is that I feel for you

I care about you

I want you to be happy

and I want you to be happy with me

as selfish as that is

I want you

and I want you to want me

I want you to feel what I feel

Reciprocation

When I try to be with you

When I try to give you my affection

and am met with stone cold silence

or lukewarm tolerance

A part of my soul

too dramatic, foolish girl

a part of my confidence

my happiness

my self-assurance

is crushed

I can’t stand standing by you

as you take more pleasure in the presence 

of others

others much better than I

I try not to be jealous

green doesn’t suit me

it doesn’t suit anyone

but it’s hard

when all I want

is a simple look

a simple acknowledgment of my efforts

a ‘yes’

or even a ‘no’

or even better a ‘this is exactly how I feel’

but I know that’s asking a lot

Don’t ask too much they say

Let him make all the moves they say

The ball’s in his court I say

I’m going to get over him I say

All lies

You’ve been stuck in my head

for a while

You’ve burrowed your way into my consciousness

made yourself at home in my thoughts

and it doesn’t look like you’ll be leaving for a long time

as much as I hate to say

that real estate is needed by other candidates

other men who actually care

but you continue to rent it out

hinting at a hidden stash of affection

with the steady weak stipend

of an occasional look

a rare conversation that you started yourself

Maybe you really do care

and I can leave the others to others more qualified 

let them find homes among freer women

not this foolish girl tied to an aloof man

by her thin tired heart strings alone

nothing but her hopes and illusions

binding her emotions 

to his enigmatic being

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY!!!!!!!!??????

OFALLPEOPLEWHYYOUWHYMEWHYUSWHYHEREWHYNOW!!!!!?????

WHY 

CAN’T 

I

BE

HAPPY

WITH

MYSELF

ALONE!!!!!?????

I KNOW

I K-N-O-W

I CAN MAKE IT ALONE

I K-N-O-W

OTHER THINGS ARE MORE IMPORTANT

I K-N-O-W (do I know or just hope)

I’M BETTER OFF WITH OTHERS

I KNEW

I K-N-E-W

IT WAS A MISTAKE 

BUT 

I

DIDN’T

LISTEN

I

COULDN’T

FUCKING

KEEP

MY 

FUCKING

MOUTH 

SHUT

FOR

ONCE 

IN 

MY 

FUCKING 

LIFE

I JUST H-A-D TO GO AND FUCK IT UP

It could have been so great

It would have been so great

if I hadn’t pushed you

I’m sorry I pushed you

It was wrong to

now it’s ruined

broken between us

any bond that was forming was stunted by

a rush of fear

brought on by a foolish girl’s

foolish mouth

that she foolishly opened

Please forgive that foolish girl

please

she only 

ever

wanted to be happy

she only

ever

wanted you to be happy

she never meant to ruin it all

she never meant to make it awkward

this year meant a lot to her too

she really didn’t want to make your home

uncomfortable

beside her

That’s why she didn’t let you see her cry

That’s why she smiled

and let it happen

and apologized

and agreed

rather than make a scene

she smiled and kept calm

as right as you were

as so obnoxiously right as you were

she still didn’t want to let it go

she would have stubbornly hung on

to what could be

and forced life out of the cold earth

made bliss where there was none

She would have fought for the nothingness you shared

but was it nothing?

It seemed so sudden how it all happened

given your perceived happiness

didn’t you smile

and put your arm around her

and stroke her hand as she held yours

and smile that half sexy half adorable half smile of yours

when she smiled at you?

Hadn’t you?

Was she really that intimidating?

Was she really so scary with her excited girlish intentions

that you had to sever her from your life?

You said you liked her

you said you like me

me

not many people say that

to me

in that way

there was a lot I had wished you had said

but you said at least that

can I trust that?

Did you ever mean it?

Under the bridge downwtown

I had no reason to doubt it

I felt a connection there

but by the end

everything you said 

was as sand on the ocean floor

seemingly stationary

but always shifting

always uncertain of its resting location

or origins

I want nothing more than to let that sand drift away

to stop caring about where it came from

or where it ends up

and only care about whether I’m floating comfortably

or if the sun feels good on my skin

or if I might take a swim today

or just rest on my little raft of self-made contentedness

But you’re here

and you’re there

every time I open that door 

My eyes immediately search for you

without my consent

and when I find you my heart leaps

and my mouth smiles

and my mind sighs

both with relief

and exasperation

How long will this go on?

How long can this go on?

I can’t take much more

my feelings may erupt

Oh God I don’t want to cry in front of you

or anyone else who may be there

I have tried to send the message

hoping for closure

but gaining only more and more 

loose ends

unresolved emotions

and frayed feelings

It was a mistake

can’t I take my lines back?

Pluck them out of your brain and replace them

with straightforward

and honest

words of calm release?

Is that the best idea?

Might it not make things worse 

or might it make things clearer

Clearer is all I’m after

because when I’m alone

It’s all straightened out

but when I’m with you

upgoesdownanddowngoesupandmyinsidesgooutsideandmyoutsidesgoin

then it allllll takes a half turn to the right and shakes a little

and then goes back to the way it was before

but differently

and that makes absolutely no sense

but that’s absolutely it

I need to talk with you

but I can’t

and I’m so tired

so so so tired

of this guessing game 

relationship roulette

It’s fucking wearing me out!

It’s like constantly walking a tightrope

on a windy day

I could easily quit and crawl back to safety

but you may or may not be standing on the other side

arms open wide

and my hope that you are is so strong

that I can’t turn back

even though part of me knows

the slightest misstep 

will send me plummeting to my death

I want so badly to hold onto that hope

but not so tightly as to be the foolish girl

you can’t get rid of

I want to hold you close

but not so close as to curtail your freedom

a freedom you deserve

that is rightfully yours

and mine as well

although I choose not to exercise

for fear of burning bridges

but maybe our bridge is better off burned

maybe we’re too weak to support it any longer

maybe our bridge was never meant to be

We started our journey under a bridge

and now we may end it on opposite sides of the bay

or on distant points on the same shore

either way

we may need to be separate

I say this now

and my head and heart are in agreeance that it is best

certainly for the best

for both of us

but as soon as I step through that door

and see you

you sitting there as you always do

intent on something far away from here

it all begins again

and all I want in life

is to look in your eyes

and smile

and have you look into mine

and smile back

and bury my face in your chest

and wrap my arms around you

and have you hold me just as tightly

and for us to be happy together

and all this pain

and all this confusion

to be a laughable memory

in the distant past

because I

am

a foolish

foolish

girl