Wanna hear a secret?
Alright, humes? Yeah, I did think about watching The Secret Life of the Cat on BBC Two this evening. But I soon realised there was nothing the programme could tell me that I didn't already know. So I decided to broaden my mind by tuning in for the Big Brother opener on Channel 5 instead. It was Emma Willis's first night at the helm since Brian Dowling landed the presenting gig on Newsnight*. The poor love seemed breathless with excitement as she gave us the tour of the new eco-friendly house. "Look - onions!" she gasped, pointing frantically at the vegetable garden. There was no way anyone in their right mind could bring themselves to switch over to BBC Two after that. Anyway, Big Brother's big secret is that one of the new housemates, Michael the postman, isn't really a postman. He's actually the people's muppet - sorry, puppet - and he's been planted there to stir things up. What japes! So far, he's had everyone's suitcases shredded. Or so they think. I can't wait to find out what he does next**. The other housemates comprise: twins Jack and Joe, who work in a supermarket and sometimes go to a carvery (you've got to have a gimmick, folks); cast-iron nuisance Sallie ("Tits, tats and beanie hats - that's me!"); some silly old bird called Jemima; Barbie's boyfriend Ken pretending to be called Callum; "hardcore lesbian fish-woman" Wolfy (yawn); stockroom assistant Sam, who has hearing difficulties; East End girl Sophie ("I'm not a spoilt brat but I can be a spoilt brat"); and a prize pillock called Dexter. They're putting six more in tomorrow. Sometimes, humes, I fear for the future of mankind. Maybe I shouldn't watch so much telly... *Not really. **Ditto. Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!