#morodertalks

[nmoroder]

think one of the biggest problems my upbringing caused was the belief that if you're in trouble, you shouldn't be despaired not in the way of "don't succumb to it, things will get better" but in the "do not show that it's getting to you, you're not allowed weakness" way. yes if you cry the problem won't get better, but if you AVOID crying you also won't get better, only worse. emotional regulation is so fucking important why is it when im approaching thirties i realize this

[nmoroder]

i find it morbidly funny that the same people who praised my portrayal of hokma and claimed to have become more sympathetic towards him have also called me pretty insulting things without a second to stop and think that, in truth, they are fighting the same enemy. i am a copy of the man. did you lie about being sympathetic in the first place or are you just blind

[nmoroder]

may be unpleasant to read if you're a russian follower. personal stuff, not political

after months and months of processing trauma, i think i have found out what pisses me off most in the aftermath. it's the label of being inconvenient to others around. first you're expected to keep silent about being thrown under the bus, because ??? idk why? to make the perpetrators less uncomfortable that they pushed you under that bus? then they get mad that you don't stay silent, which is inconvenient, and then people around you in the same space start to blame you for still being traumatized and still not shutting up cuz well. you're inconvenient in reminding them that their dear friends can be assholes and it's unpleasant to see, i guess? you are inconvenient to everyone because you exist and you hurt, why don't you just disappear and stop being a petty reminder?

i did. i quit posting at and checking out russian fandom space because each and every person i meet might already, without my input, see me as inconvenience and there's nothing i can do! im a loner, i do not have a loud group behind me diligently supporting and catching me when i fall. so even outside russian fandom space, i cannot be completely neutral towards russian-speaking artists out there cuz the world is small and you will, no matter what you do, meet someone who blames you for your trauma. theres just a few people i know personally who have proven me wrong, the rest are potential threat

i wouldn't blame you for getting mad at me for these words, like "hurrr not all russians are the same i dont even personally know you or your offenders dude". it's fine! don't go finding out then. i never wanted much to be perceived as a person on art accounts, more like a vague spirit spitting out pics, and nowadays i don't want to be perceived as someone human even more so

[nmoroder]

idk if i mentioned it here, but i've disabled my strawpage askbox a while ago both out of frustration and a wish to see which anon askbox fares better, tumblr or strawpage. they are both cool in its own regard so if you wish to write me something but don't wanna use tumblr ask feature - i have re-enabled the strawpage one, feel free to head there

link

[nmoroder]

Arrived to a psychology center for consulting on choosing a new career path, and there's the TARDIS standing in their building's backyard. I think i have my choice.

[nmoroder]

lysandre in pknm legends z-a............ head in hands (affectionate)

[nmoroder]

i see quite a lot of people interacting with hokland posts all the while i am still the only poster on the tag, which makes me seriously consider if there's anothet tag for the ship im unaware of or i really am the one and only person on tumblr doing their stupid stuff on a ship that's honestly an obvious one to me

[nmoroder]

Really sad about lack of Cassetti and/or Sasha stuff... i know they've only been in the interlude without even a voiceover but what if their negotiation plan succeeded and they'd continue building that kingdom of a single prince at other trains. To me they're a funny little duo