my head is all puffy and I´m tired. I´m severely depressed and I´m tired. I´m honestly surprised of myself for getting this far after a year of self isolation and crippling depression.
It´s a heavy month for me already and as things come back into my awareness its...amazing, the amount of stuff that´s been held off at the shore of my consciousness.
More less ten years ago, in April, I woke up, it was children´s day, we got ready for the party at our elementary and then we went to my mom´s clinic. As usual, it was a friday, so we went to our granny´s house to stay the weekend. We didn´t worry about our clothes because our mother had done them for us, my sis and I when we went back to eat. She cried and we didn´t understand why, but we hugged her and told her we loved her.
The weekend passed and it was already time to go to school and so, my mother drove two hours to get us to school and two hours back at night to go back to my granny´s. I was a dumb kid, I didn´t know that friday would be the last day we spent at home. Or that it would be the last I would see my dad in a long, long time.
It really took me a lot of time to understand the consequences of leaving my home that abruptly, without explanation and none of my things. How it did affect me despite my sister assimilating it with “don´t cry. tough it out” and like, of course, im good at masking. but im also so good at ignoring body reactions. And the one I had was, bluntly put, pathetic.
But it was really the only way I could actually let it out without being shamed or shunned or whatever, by the people around me. Because you gotta understand divorces are not something that you can control or can do something about. It was for the better of everyone, after all.
I don´t wanna hate myself for that reaction anymore. I was a kid who was left alone to fend for themself after a shocking event. It wasn´t my fault my body reacted when my head couldn´t make me say something.
It wasn´t the best, but it was the best 10 year old me could do.
I would have loved there wasn´t any alienization from both parts, and constant discussions about money, but that´s what pulled them apart and that´s also not my fault. I was a kid. They were the adults. And none of us knew how to handle this situation without angering at each other.
Idk if I can forgive them yet, I can understand them, but right now, I don´t care about their process at all. I care about my own. And I´m angry and I´m sad and disappointed, but also want to forgive myself for reacting the way I did back then.
Now that I´m older, I still depend on them, but less. I don´t have to seek them out to be valuable, I help when I want and can. I can´t rely on them as much as they rely on me, but even if sometimes I fall out with my health, and still get yelled at for that, I will try to stop blaming myself for not meeting up with their expectations. They never met mine anyways.
