#mr. ewing

[the-remarkable-mrs-smith]

10/1/23

I’m still here. Sometimes I wonder why and what for. It’s a thing navigating this world alone, yet down the hall my daughter is home for the weekend. She’s here for a game, her boyfriend is here. I drove home from a few days away to see my extended family and returned at 1:30 am and I haven’t greeted my daughter yet. I’m tired. The cat woke me at 5:55 am meowing outside my door, and I looked at my phone to see that the man who I had been excited to have a first date with today, cancelled. Family stuff. He’d call me later. He’ll be unavailable for several days.

💔

You know I’ve been lonely. I’ve been trying to be cool. I’ve been trying to adjust to not dating, to being alone, and then…

… bam. A new man falls into my world, but I think it’s a trick. He’s not here. Don’t get excited. Go back to your regularly scheduled alone time.

Daughter is down the hall, but will probably wake up and take off.

Me. I don’t know what to do with myself except TRY to get OUT of this funk. It would help if it were cooler. I hate the heat.

My mind is neg. Am I creating my neg world? Is this all a simulation? Why am I here?

Fuck. I need to yoga and coffee. Fucking this world. Can I get to the happy part? Can I get to the part of my commercial where I am being held by the man that I love, a gentle breeze blowing my hair, we’re smiling and the world is our oyster?

Or am I to be alone in this world because I am meant to be alone… or is this temporary… or is this a simulation… or is this me struggling on the brink of insanity or is this me on the brink of waking up to a fucking new dimensional reality and I’m struggling to get my egg shell off?

Both?

Neither?

Get coffee?

Have the people in my life kept me in my egg? Eggs would be lovely for breakfast. lol

Alfred E Newman once said, “why so serious,” and maybe the Joker, too.

Is everything a joke? Our struggles? That we choose to struggle? That my ass is still in bed when I could get my robe on and make some fucking coffee and start enjoying the damn day… maybe that’s the joke.

My intention: to enjoy this day, whatever it may bring.

And fucking get up and get some coffee.

[the-remarkable-mrs-smith]

Why do I feel like the a-hole?

Broke up with boyfriend back in September, TRIED to reconcile with him in October. Unsuccessful because I couldn’t go along with his plan of yelling at me and him deciding that he didn’t have to listen to anything that I said.

Okay. It sucked. While things weren’t great, I loved him PLUS I think we were very codependent and that works for me on a lot of levels.

He was my person. I was his. But we had to part.

UNTIL RECENTLY… I reached out to him on a whim. He’s a mess. Unemployed. Broke. He got a sub while we were broken up, admitted he loved her one day, yesterday he discovered that she had taken photographs of all his credit card info and racked up $5000 worth of debt. Her reaction to him calling the police on her for trying to extort him for money.

He’s also been diagnosed with emphysema and is dying.

Even with ALL the bs going on in his life, I was going to be there for him. Last Thursday he told me he didn’t didn’t have the same feelings for me and wasn’t attracted to me. I was devastated. By Saturday he invited me over and had lots of sex with me.

Last night, we met. He had spent all day dealing with the credit card fraud that his 6’5”, bipolar sub committed. I met him and bought him pizza and beer. I was consoling him. We were having a nice time. He looked beat, but I loved seeing him. My person.

But then, he turned. He remembered how I had caused him a past hurt, accused me of something I didn’t do, and in front of the waitress who was looking embarrassed for me, started yelling at me. I asked for the check. Double the amount I had planned on spending. He stormed out.

Grabbing the rest of my pizza, which will be my lunch today, I walked out. In the dark of the parking lot, he was waiting for me.

“I thought you’d follow me out.”

“I had to pay the bill.”

“I swear to christ, I am sorry.”

Me- nothing. He kept yelling at me apologies, I don’t know what, but he was begging for me to engage with him. And me- still nothing.

I walked home. Calling one of my guy friends and vented on the way. Finished text arguing with exbf. Texting the ONLY way to get a word in with him because he never wants to listen to me when he’s upset.

Exbf finally texted-

“leave me alone and go life your life you deserve better”

So I left it at that. Climbed into bed and fell asleep at 9 pm.

This morning, I feel conflicted. I know he’s hurting. He’s ill in every way. It’s so hard for me to let him be. I love him. It doesn’t make sense. He’s all alone here. We are each others persons, but he has issues.

I do too, but while we were broken up, I’ve been seeing a therapist.

I was preparing myself to take care of him until he passed, but… the drama… the yelling… the getting shut down because he won’t or can’t hear what I have to say. He’s so fragile right now.

I feel bad for him. He’s a mess. I don’t want to abandon him, but I can’t do the drama. And in such a short time, I can see that I was falling into the same behavior patterns with him… putting aside the things I enjoy… getting high with him (which is something I stopped doing as much once we broke up.)

It conflicting.

Does it seem weird that is conflicting?

Probably not… emotionally unstable dad who was the provider, emotionally unengaged mother who just ignored his outburst and would patch the holes he had punched in the wall, and then would go about her business… cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning house. Our normal.

Can I walk away from the man I love in his time of need?

It’s raining. The cat is on my lap. I have a few sips of cold coffee left. I wrote this because I didn’t want to forget this moment. It seems important. Plus, I wanted to update Mr. Ewing, and it was too much to write via messages.

Why do I feel so guilty when I know this was the right thing to do for me?

[the-remarkable-mrs-smith]

This was the time of year we fell in love...

I think if he was available I would be at his beck and call. Of course, my memory of him is romanized. He reminds me how he made me cried.

Guess what?

I still cry. I’m a crier. I’ve probably cried several times this week including this morning.

I remember once he fucked me while I was crying, and I LITERALLY, shut the fuck up. The “O” was so “O”utstanding that I was in shock.

Things that I miss about him, in no particular order...

-his eyes

-his sense of humor

-his intelligence

-the fictional stories he’d tell me about when we were children together and had our first kiss

- the way he’d stroke my hair

- that he could properly choke me

- the way he’d fingered me

- I’d love when he’d get rough with me... how he’d take me

- our walks in the woods

Things I didn’t like...

- that I shared him with his wife... share isn’t a good word, she didn’t know about me... that’s my shame... I’m an adulterer. At the time, I really didn’t care about myself and I secretly wished to die. I was very self centered. Emotionally battered. Scarred. Neglected. Abused.

(I’m sorry for the hurts I may have infected on his wife ... but I can’t exactly change the past... and selfishly... I loved him so deeply, I don’t regret our relationship.)

- the jealousy I felt when I saw him post about his family life

- the lack of time

- that he lied to me... I understand I was pretty vulnerable at the time, I’m sure he was trying to protect me... but still... if he was to cheat, it was supposed to be with me

~bah... stoopid... and a clear sign of the lack of self respect I had (have🤔?)~

- I hated that I loved him more than he loved me

- I hate that I still fantasize about him

~I’m a dope... it’s this time of year when we fell in love~

I am in a relationship with another man. He’s a good and sweet man. He puts up with my terrible mood swings... and he cooks for me. He’s a great cook. Although, other night when I made him a quick dinner, because he asked, he had the sweetest look on his face... he was very appreciative. I like it when he has that loving look on his face. AND... he’s mine, he’s not the cheating type.

I think I have a hard time completely giving myself to bf, because my heart, in part, still belongs to my ex... I love him. Very deeply. I can’t help it. He saved my life. He helped me grow up. He loved me when I felt the most unlovable.

I am having a hard time letting go.

Luckily... he’s still friends with me. We don’t see each other. We aren’t friends on FB... I needed to avoid that pain. To my knowledge he’s being faithful to his wife... I’ve not cheated on my current BF... with the exception of numerous fantasy of ex. If he could peep into the window of my imagination, he’d get a boner.

Dangerous... or maybe not? Probably, but who doesn’t like playing with matches?

Still I’m not quite that alluring as I once was. Not a temptress... just a friend... who thinks about having hard core sex with my former lover. 😏🔥

[the-remarkable-mrs-smith]

My Van

*remember all those times we spent in my van? 😏 It was sold today for $110.

[the-remarkable-mrs-smith]

The Guest House - a poem by Rumi

The Guest House This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes. because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. — Jellaludin Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks Mr. Ewing, I read this and thought of you... "He may be clearing you out for some new delight." I only really know you these days by what you write EVERYONE. Of course, I know more because I know how you are... no matter what, you are you. You appear to be stoic and reasonable on the outside, but you're more sensitive than the average bear. A black hole for toxic emotions... you take it all in... internalize it and then loathe yourself. I miss our talks. I'd like to have lunch with you and catch up. Of course, BF is immensely jealous... he's insecure. That said... when it comes to you, he probably should be. I still love you. Still love you... albeit... I'm finally coming to understand that my feelings and desires for you, aren't reciprocal. That's okay. It's better to know. Seriously with all the bullshit in your life, you really don't need me to add to it. I just wanted to tell you how you may have some new delights in your life... and then forgot and tried to guilt trip you because you're probably having some kind of something with someone else... and fucking bitchwife a lot ... more than I'd probably ever want to fuck because my sex drive is nearly nil. I didn't sleep much. Stress. Work. I work with assholes. It's push week next week and me... I just had my best week ever, and the fuckers aren't doing free Lunch Friday. I've finally earned my Free Lunch and then some, and the mother fuckers are going to bring nasty Boston Market for everyone... not just the producers, but everyone. I love Free Lunch Friday. I love sitting with the big boys at a restaurant. Love free food. Hmmmmm boo. I think it's best to have the perspective of "fuck them all"... and just do what you need to do. Blinders. Put blinders on. I'm waiting for my new delights... my internal nirvana despite what this jack ass world has to offer.

[the-remarkable-mrs-smith]

The honeymoon is over

I said this to BF... It's not the stuff I tell you that you should worry about, it's the stuff I don't. I'm romancing the past.

[the-remarkable-mrs-smith]

Meditations - Thomas Moore

[the-remarkable-mrs-smith]

I still love him...

... you know that, don't you? I think about him. I think about the last time he fucked me and wrapped his hand around my throat. Kinky fucker. Married fucker. Hate that shit... shit, as in, him being married. Or the day we walked in the wood and then found ourselves on a park bench... my head on his lap. He stroked my hair. Listened to my problems. Doled out patronly wisdom. I miss that too. Maybe I miss that more. When he took care of me.