Edits added in blue based on your reblogs and careful consideration
Top Tier:
Mr. Mainwaring: to have the near undying loyalty of the exceedingly selfish Lady Susan, this man must be a sex god
Henry Crawford: he knows he’s not handsome, he wants women to love him, he'd put in the work. Also one of the only men to be rated by a woman who has had sex before
Henry Tilney: he cares about things women like, high emotional intelligence, and extremely kind
Frederick Wentworth: passion and experience (I imagine), also has high emotional intelligence when he’s not being a dufus
Colonel Brandon: passionate, thinks about other people’s feelings a lot, self-sacrificial
John Knightley: I think there’s a good reason that they keep banging out those kids
Admiral Croft: I cannot believe I left him off, obviously amazing in bed because he respects his wife as his equal and is very fun. You are telling me they spend all their time together and don't have amazing sex? No freaking way!
Good Tier:
William Price: athletic, cares about his sister a lot (good sign), and gives good presents. He’s only nineteen in the story which is why he has room to improve
Captain Harville: Obviously
Mr. Morland: dude isn’t even on page, but in my head Mrs. Morland enjoyed making all ten of those children
Colonel Fitzwilliam: I think he’d be good, but not awesome. He'll probably be wasted on a mercenary marriage
Charles Bingley: I get the feeling he’d be on a race to the end, and maybe not the best communicator at first. Will improve
Mr. Gardiner: Just because he’s awesome and seems to respect women
Captain Benwick: poetry and passion!
Robert Martin: seems like a pretty romantic guy, also works on a farm so probably athletic
John Willoughby: Mostly because of experience, but he is also pretty passionate. He’s also super hot, Miss Grey knew what she was getting into. But this guy can only go downhill from here
Reginald De Courcy: He’s a sweetheart, an occasionally dumb sweetheart
Mr. Bennet: Is he lazy in most domains of life? Yes. But Mrs. Bennet wasn’t just trying for that heir, I’m telling you folks. Maybe he's just trying to make her unable to talk 😉
George Knightley: Promoted to good tier, I do think he's very caring, but he also is always sure HE is right, which may be a problem.
John Yates: Maybe not the most selfless person, but he's got passion and he does love his wife. Probably very into roleplay
Mediocre but can improve tier:
Fitzwilliam Darcy: he’s a bit stiff... I think it might take some time for him to get good at it (demoted to this tier because he will need time to improve)
Frank Churchill: He’s got passion, but he’s so darn selfish and doesn’t seem to send that much time thinking about Jane’s feelings
Edward Ferrars: I just see him being a nervous wreak the first few times, it’ll get better (Note: I think Lucy is way too smart to have had sex without a wedding date)
James Morland: Dude, I’m just disappointed with you in general. Being led by lust, not protecting your sister. I hope you grow a lot before you try to get engaged again.
Charles Musgrove: could be good, but Mary never seems to appreciate the effort he puts in so he kind of gave up
Tom Bertram: Selfish, never has to try for anything, but he did reform so maybe he can get better here too.
Edmund Bertram: Repressed and selfish. He needs to actually start listening to what women say if he’s going to improve and there is a whole book of him doing exactly the opposite...
Mr. Elton: selfish, full of himself, and low emotional intelligence, however, I think he does love his wife so he is willing to put in some effort for her.
Just bad:
James Rushworth: Maria was not impressed at all, despite how much “taller” he was
Captain Tilney: riding on good looks and money, selfish
John Thorpe: Selfish and he never shuts up. I have trouble imaging him getting a woman to sleep with him without paying her.
George Wickham: selfish and good looking, he’s not doing any work. He thinks you should be honoured to sleep with him.
Robert Ferrars: selfish and not even good looking. There is nothing here. Lucy did not win people.
Mr. Woodhouse: I can’t even imagine, if he didn’t have children I’d say he was a virgin
Mr. Collins: The woman he is trying to please is not his wife.
Mr. Elliot: cruel to his first wife and not even handsome!
Sir Walter Elliot: I don’t think any part of his personality would tend toward being a “giver”, however, if you like mirrors...
John Dashwood: exactly the opposite of a “giver”
Mr. Price: the guy had 11 children in 14 years so I wish I could say he was better in bed. My suspicion is that he started in the good tier and has had a very slow fall into just bad. And all that alcohol, ug...
Dr. Grant: Noted for being a whiney, selfish glutton. Hopefully he just falls asleep before he can attempt anything because I can't imagine him being that good in bed.
General Tilney: If you don't want to even try to imagine their sex life, they go in this tier. And he is so freaking controlling!
No Data: We interviewed Lady Bertram for information on Sir Thomas, but she confessed that with full consent, she has always fallen asleep during sex. Given her personality, we decided that this information has no bearing on Sir Thomas’s abilities. She did say that giving birth was, “Very disagreeable.”
Mr. Hurst: I really can't decide with him because while he does love the finer things in life, we don't know exactly why he and Louisa married. More info required.
Criteria: In the domain of F/M sex, communication is key, so we need a man who is willing to listen to what women say. Also, selfishness is obviously a negative trait when it comes to a happy sexual partner of either gender. Some of this is just vibes, but I think there is a fair amount of canon information about how much men respect women, especially their sisters.
Feel very free to fight me in the reblogs. The only hill I will die on is that Henry Crawford’s rating is correct 😉
Summary: Lady Susan related her triumph over Reginald to Alicia. She told Reginald that she would leave the house after their argument, which resulted in a reconciliation. However, she is planning revenge because she was forced to give up the Sir James plan for the present. She tells her friend her next plan is to go to London.
Alicia says town is the best option, as Mainwaring is threatening to visit Churchill (that would be bad!). She advises Lady Susan to think of herself (lol) and leave Frederica behind. She also says her husband will be out of town so they can party like it's 1799.
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Honestly, the best worst line:
Silly woman to expect constancy from so charming a man!
But also, what a tip off for both Willoughby and Henry Crawford! If Jane Austen teaches us to fear anything, it's charming men. I think Wentworth is the only hero who is described as charming...
This is also such a sad commentary on gender dynamics. Mrs. Mainwaring's money was almost entirely under her husband's control. He is now rich and feels able to cheat on his wife without consequences.
Its effect on Reginald justifies some portion of vanity, for it was no less favourable than instantaneous. Oh, how delightful it was to watch the variations of his countenance while I spoke! to see the struggle between returning tenderness and the remains of displeasure.
Lady Susan has this strange duality of being very proud of herself for having the ability to do this, but then also hating Reginald for needing it to be done. It makes me wonder about the mysterious Mainwaring. Because Lady Susan does not like the very placeable Sir James, so maybe Reginald is just too moral and Mainwaring is the happy medium of intelligent and devoted?
Humbled as he now is, I cannot forgive him such an instance of pride, and am doubtful whether I ought not to punish him by dismissing him at once after this reconciliation, or by marrying and teazing him for ever.
The very difficult choice of whether to dump or marry him!
I must punish Frederica, and pretty severely too, for her application to Reginald; I must punish him for receiving it so favourably, and for the rest of his conduct. I must torment my sister-in-law for the insolent triumph of her look and manner since Sir James has been dismissed; for, in reconciling Reginald to me, I was not able to save that ill-fated young man; and I must make myself amends for the humiliation to which I have stooped within these few days.
Poor Frederica! Reginald is being punished for... *checks notes* trying to save a distressed teenager and Catherine must be punished for being smug. I feel so sorry for all of Lady Susan's "humiliations"
Flexibility of mind, a disposition easily biassed by others, is an attribute which you know I am not very desirous of obtaining; nor has Frederica any claim to the indulgence of her notions at the expense of her mother’s inclinations.
Lol, "Being open minded is for suckers"
You should think more of yourself and less of your daughter.
Well... okay.
I would ask you to Edward Street, but that once he forced from me a kind of promise never to invite you to my house; nothing but my being in the utmost distress for money should have extorted it from me.
How intelligent, Mr. Johnson.
Her folly in forming the connection was so great that, though Mr. Johnson was her guardian, and I do not in general share his feelings, I never can forgive her.
We know that Mr. Johnson basically disowned Mrs. Mainwaring over her foolish choice of a husband. And now it is proven to be a foolish choice. One wishes poor Mrs. Mainwaring would have listened.
INSANE Alicia Conspiracy Theory: I feel like this theory gets less crazy the more I write about it. Alicia is actually suggesting that Lady Susan send back Mrs. Mainwaring's husband:
Besides, if you take my advice, and resolve to marry De Courcy, it will be indispensably necessary to you to get Mainwaring out of the way; and you only can have influence enough to send him back to his wife.
Which sounds like what Mr. Johnson would want. After all, it is disgraceful for Mrs. Mainwaring to be abandoned, even if her husband coming back feels icky to us today.
Alicia also advises Lady Susan to leave Frederica with the Vernons, where Frederica will be happy and safe. I'm telling you, she's on Frederica's side. Mrs. Johnson is a double agent!
Summary: Alicia encourages Lady Susan to marry Reginald if she can, as his father is infirm and the estate is entailed (therefore the parents can't disinherit him). Sir James is still attached to Frederica or Lady Susan (lol). Alicia seems to imply that Lady Susan can marry Reginald and keep Mainwaring.
Lady Susan replies that she's not certain of marriage YET. After all, dear Sir Reginald might linger! She is very excited about how much progress she has made with Reginald however by acting very properly. However, Reginald is not equal to the charms of Mainwaring.
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Alicia Johnson sounds a lot like Mary Crawford, "Sir Reginald is very infirm, and not likely to stand in your way long."
"I never bribed a physician in my life. Poor young man! If he is to die, there will be two poor young men less in the world; and with a fearless face and bold voice would I say to any one, that wealth and consequence could fall into no hands more deserving of them." (Mansfield Park, Ch 45)
Everyone in the regency is either wanting someone to die so they can inherit or dreading it because they will lose their home! I get the feeling that Lady Susan married her husband thinking he would die young and then he lingered in ill health for sixteen years (it would also explain the single daughter). It sounds like she's trying to avoid getting into that situation again.
Mainwaring will storm of course, but you easily pacify him; besides, the most scrupulous point of honour could not require you to wait for his emancipation.
Lol, honour! She has seduced a married man! Where does honour come into it?
I never behaved less like a coquette in the whole course of my life, though perhaps my desire of dominion was never more decided.
She is a wonderful Gaslight Girlboss.
I have never yet found that the advice of a sister could prevent a young man’s being in love if he chose.
Take heed Caroline Bingley!
On my side you may be sure of its never being more [than friendship], for if I were not attached to another person as much as I can be to anyone, I should make a point of not bestowing my affection on a man who had dared to think so meanly of me.
While Lady Susan can seem entirely emotionless at times, she is both petty and extremely attached to Mainwaring. I have often concluded that the man is very good in bed, but she also points out how charming he is. He also may be extremely hot. Too bad he's taken!
Summary: Mainwaring visits Lady Susan in London and she is almost regretting being engaged to Reginald. They definitely had sex, sex so mind blowing that Lady Susan almost lost her senses. Lady Susan isn't excited to see Reginald anymore and wants to put off his coming to London until Mainwaring is gone...
Lady Susan then writes a magnificent letter to Reginald, explaining in the most flowery and flattering language that they cannot meet yet. She's worried about her reputation, his parents, his sister, the world, and in short, everything! In the last line she mentions the Mainwarings are in town.
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Lady Susan at her absolute best! As much as she is able to keep Reginald completely under her thrawl, I think Mainwaring has her under his power:
I will not dissemble what real pleasure his sight afforded me, nor how strongly I felt the contrast between his person and manners and those of Reginald, to the infinite disadvantage of the latter. For an hour or two I was even staggered in my resolution of marrying him [Reginald]
This reading I'm really noticing that Lady Susan is head over heels for Mainwaring, she's unable to control herself or her emotions around him. I think before I had this idea that she just liked stringing three men along but I think she's genuinely in love. Too bad he's married!
scarcely swallowed my dinner
I like that turn of phrase
if the old man would die I might not hesitate, but a state of dependance on the caprice of Sir Reginald will not suit the freedom of my spirit
Lady Susan spent years trapped in a marriage she clearly wanted to get out of with Mr. Vernon, now she fears that Sir Reginald won't die and she'll be married to Reginald but not rich. This reminds me a lot of Lucy Steele's dilemma in Sense & Sensibility.
Lady Susan writes amazingly convincingly to Reginald for someone whose every word is a lie!
With feelings so poignant as mine, the conviction of having divided the son from his parents would make me, even with you, the most miserable of beings.
The only reason Lady Susan doesn't want to anger the parents (really the father) is that she doesn't want to be poor! Reginald might be cut off from his allowance which would be dreadful. If only Sir Reginald would kindly die she wouldn't need to wait!
We have been unguarded in forming this hasty engagement, but we must not complete the imprudence by ratifying it while there is so much reason to fear the connection would be opposed by those friends on whom you depend.
We can't piss off your family because I can't stand being poor.
I cannot forget that the indelicacy of so early a second marriage must subject me to the censure of the world
Yes, very bad. Not as bad as sleeping with a married man but that's only general knowledge right?
By a removal for some months from each other we shall tranquillise the sisterly fears of Mrs. Vernon, who, accustomed herself to the enjoyment of riches, considers fortune as necessary everywhere, and whose sensibilities are not of a nature to comprehend ours.
Absolutely everyone is concerned with money, except Lady Susan. With her, it is only feeling, only love!
I am, very faithfully yours,
S. VERNON
LOL!
This letter was probably written in her dressing gown after some bedroom acrobatics with Mainwaring. Just great!
