i could fill my diamond pool
Phan, M words: 4406
“So you died, but Phil hasn’t. Not yet. He’ll be here, eventually. Well, he could also get to the, you know,” she nods to the ground, and Dan’s head starts spinning even faster.
(Dan dies and goes to the Good Place. Phil will join him soon. In a few decades. This is not as angsty as you might expect.)
[read on ao3]
This would be too much of an effort for a prank. Someone had to set up the whole studio space, hire hundreds of extras, not to mention this over-enthusiastic lady to show him around. Also, he can’t really explain how a human Siri is doing her teleportation thing.
Dan decides on a dream theory. Or a coma. Something that would explain why there’s no smartphones here, an actual full-size chocolate fountain on the square, and of course the magical teleporting woman. He can live with it. At least until he wakes up, but for now he’ll enjoy a machine with unlimited popcorn in his own living room and a selection of premium quality porn at his disposal.
It takes some time to learn that he’s not gonna wake up. He falls into a nice uneventful routine, attending parties and forgetting about the existence of hangovers. He starts enjoying little moments of his life - afterlife, Meghan corrects him - that shape up his days. Moments like asking Janet for a glass of refreshing lemonade on a walk by the lake. Or picking up flowers for the house. Or even talking to people in the line for an ice cream.
He likes it here.
***
"Okay, Dan, you've been with us for a couple of weeks," Meghan is very compassionate but unfortunately has a problem with choosing a correct human expression to accompany her words. Right now she looks almost sad, as if the idea of having Dan here for such amount of time gives her internal pain. He's pretty sure she just wants to look serious.
He looks around his perfect home once again. Modern art and weirdly shaped metallic sculptures. Hardwood floors and a stereo system built into the walls. Ambient lighting that he can control with his voice. He was expecting this conversation. There should be some kind of a catch.
"No, there’s no catch," Meghan bows her head to the side with the same expression one would give to a crying child. He’s not crying. But she probably also wants to say something different with her face.
They sit down on his big plush couch, a comforter artfully placed to imitate cozyness. Meghan adopts the same sad expression. Something tingly is traveling down Dan’s spine, numbing his arms and legs. There’s no anxiety in heaven, Dan already learned that, but the positive alternative - anticipation - doesn’t bring him much pleasure either. His fingers start playing with the hems of his sleeves.
Meghan clears her throat before starting.
"You see, every person that comes here is assigned with a soulmate, a perfect person for you who will find you perfect for them," she bows her head again, and when Dan starts repeating her words in his own mind, she continues. "It's a wonderful system we have here, everyone loves it! People can actually share the joys of an afterlife with someone they love!"
She seems proud, as if she was the one who came up with the idea of soulmates. Maybe she was. Dan has no way of knowing. The tingling all over his body doesn’t stop.
"The majority of people never meet their soulmates on Earth,” she continues. “The world is huge, it’s just not realistic. But you, darling, seem to have broken the system.”
His tingles stopped, settled in the middle of his chest, and Dan moves his hand to touch there, grasps his shirt. Something is off.
Meghan smiles at him, this time genuinely, at least Dan hopes so, because he’s not really in a mood to hear bad news.
Everything is so confusing. What is she…?
"Shh, Dan," Meghan places a hand on his knee. “Prepare, it’s coming.”
Phil.
He forgot about Phil.
They made him forget about Phil.
He spent two weeks in heaven without Phil and he never remembered.
Meghan takes her hand from his knee.
“We had to block some of your memories while we were figuring out what to do with you two,” she finally says.
This is fucking crazy.
“You already met your soulmate, Dan. On Earth. Unprecedented.”
Astonished, that’s the word. Meghan looks astonished and excited, like a child eager to discover to discover a secret garden.
Dan raises a finger.
“Janet? Can I have a glass of water?”
“Here you go, Dan.”
He takes three big gulps before Meghan starts to explain.
“So you died, but Phil hasn’t. Not yet. He’ll be here, eventually. Well, he could also get to the, you know,” she nods to the ground, and Dan’s head starts spinning even faster. When he raises a finger again, Janet already hands him another glass of water. “But either way, we had to decide what to do with you for now. Until he joins you.”
They didn’t tell Dan how he died. It wasn’t anything embarrassing, Meghan said, it was just unexpected and upsetting for everyone else. He didn’t think about who were these “everyone else” before now.
Phil probably had to arrange the funeral. Phil had to deal with the publicity stuff. He’s not alone but… Fuck.
Fuck.
"We have two options for you here,” Meghan continues. Dan looks at her again, perfect hair and these unchanging fifties-style dresses and suits she seems to love so much.
What options can there be?
“First, we can pause you, keep on hold. We will store your soul safe in an archive for whatever time necessary, before Phil dies. During this time you will be peacefully sleeping, your consciousness swimming in the universe, not feeling a thing or the passing of time. This way, when Phil comes to the Good Place, in years or maybe decades, you can reunite and spend the rest of eternity together!"
There were the days in his life when Dan would dream of something like this. Pause the world. Endlessly sleep in the void until something good finally happens, until he feels better again.
"What's option number two?"
"We can erase any memory of Phil from your brain and you can keep living just like you did these past two weeks."
Meghan leaves him to think about it.
She also shows him how to access the recording of his life, every second of it, seen from his own eyes.
He does it right away. There’s a timeline on the bottom of the screen, coloured in green, red, and yellow lines - each signifying how happy the memory was. There are so many green ones. He watches the earliest good memories: falling face down in snow and secretly loving it even though the instincts told him to cry; unwrapping his Christmas presents; drinking apple juice from a flute and pretending to be adult. He skips further to the teenage years: finding online friends and chatting until late at night; receiving compliments on his new trendy hair; feeling like he finally unlocked something in his life after having his first kiss.
When he gets to his adult years, all the good stuff is happening with Phil. Meeting him, kissing him, holding his hand under the blanket as they’re watching a movie. Calling Phil his, moving in together, celebrating his first YouTube check. All the best vacations, all their playful dates and evenings out in the city, all the laughs and bold decisions and dreams and plans and…
If they erase Phil from his mind, what will be left?
He asks Janet if there’s some kind of a streaming service he can turn into and watch what’s happening on Earth. This would make so much sense to have it here. But no, unfortunately, not. They don't want people to cling to the past instead of enjoying life here, in the Good Place.
He understands. He just wishes he knew what Phil wanted him to do.
"I don't want to float in the void. And I don't want to forget everything Phil means to me. Can I just wait for him here, alone?"
If Meghan has any objections, she just nods and politely smiles.
***
It's easy to enjoy life here. He rarely feels sad, which is probably just Meghan’s magic working. He doesn't mind. This air is like an antidepressant drug, but without horrible side effects. Weather is always nice, even the pouring rain is better than any sunny day on Earth he ever experienced - his body doesn't get wet but he still feels every individual refreshing droplet on his skin or the rush of joy from running through dewy fields. Food is always fantastic, even a cream soup here tastes better than his favorite cheeseburgers while cheeseburgers taste better than sex feels on Earth. And about sex… Orgasms are mind blowing every single time. He pushes himself further every time, learns to masturbate for hours at times to reach that final release and cry out loud without fearing to be heard.
The best thing is that all of this doesn't get old. He enjoys each meal like it's the first one. Cums each time like never before. Basks in the sun endlessly without burning. This world is perfectly calibrated for the eternal life.
He doesn't know how much time passes before he allows himself a small defiance. He doesn't feel guilty because just as Phil is allowed to find another partner on Earth, Dan can have fun here while he waits. He knows he looks good when he catches a hungry gaze of a beautiful couple on the party. They're both too gorgeous for him to even consider it on Earth, but here he's confident, and his curls always fall perfectly on his face, and also he’s pleasantly drunk and painfully wants to learn what actual sex feels like in heaven. He might not even be ready for this kind of feeling.
They undress him as if unwrapping a gift, pressing gentle kisses onto his shoulders, playing with his hair. He touches them too, the girl with her cute small boobs and large nipples that he wants to suck on, the boy's beautiful toned arms and gorgeous butt. He navigates through their limbs, puts the boy's dick in his mouth and moans around him as the girl slowly and masterfully rims him. He comes loudly and blissfully and they lay together, naked and spent, tangles arms and legs, hair and sweat. He misses Phil strongly in that moment but it's not a painful feeling. It's hopeful and calm, a thought about something upcoming.
***
"Janet?"
"Hi, Dan."
"How long have I been here for?"
It both seems like a year or just two months. Sleep is unnecessary here so he often skips it, preferring to spend hours in the gaming world or watching new episodes of Game of Thrones that still reach this place for some reason.
"Four Earth years, seventeen days, two hours and-"
"Okay, got it! Thanks."
"Bye, Dan."
Wow. Holy shit. His mind goes back to Phil. It’s been doing this recently. Phil would love it. Phil would hate that. Phil would think it's gross but would still do it. Phil would comment this or that.
Phil is thirty six now. What he's been up to? Did he buy a house? Get a pet? Abandon YouTube? Or maybe he wrote memoirs, moved to Japan, married someone. Okay, the last three things don't sound like Phil but it's been four fucking years. Everything can change. Not for Dan though.
***
He finds Meghan in the garden, chatting to Charlotte, a pizza place owner here. He says hi to them both, and Charlotte, a total sweetheart, leaves them alone together.
"Oh, Dan, have you seen a new Harry Potter animated series? The reviews are mixed and I can't place what exactly I think about it: is it a unique look on the beloved story or another opportunity to cash-in?"
"Probably both," says Dan. "Hey, I meant to ask you something."
After all these years, Meghan finally mastered her serious face.
"I kinda wanna try the whole floating in the void thing."
Meghan nods not seeming the slightest bit surprised.
"I just… When Phil arrives here, will he be older?"
Dan's been thinking about it a lot, fighting between an undeniable truth that he would love Phil at any age and any state, and the selfish desire to keep him young forever even if it means he gets to die sooner. He just wishes that when they see each other again, Dan meets Phil as an equal, not as someone decades younger than him.
Meghan nods again before replying.
"Age is very complicated, even in afterlife terms. Do you grow mentally here just as much as you would do on Earth? Probably not. You don't have to deal with human problems that make people age and change, plus the world here is constant, unchanging, lacking the fluidity humans need to survive.”
Dan decides to think a bit more.
***
Years past quick here. It's his eighth Christmas in the Good Place, though it's not called that here. Just one morning everyone wakes up to the snowy slopes and a set of hats and mittens on the porch. Janet is busy all day decorating their houses while people are visiting each other’s parties, playing in the snow, and drinking hot cocoa.
They also give each other presents, small and big, simple and expensive. Dan's new friend Craig gives him a huge table made of an amethyst stone. It sparkles bright in the mood light of his lounge room.
In the evening, Meghan personally visits every resident. She’s wearing a chunky red sweater and fluffy headphones. Janet also changed her attire to a sparkly party dress.
"Dan, Dan, Dan..." Dan knows she has a sweet spot for him. Maybe, because he’s the only one who spends his heavenly days alone. "I gather up New Year’s resolutions. It's completely optional, but if you’d like, I could help you make your afterlife better this next Earth year. "
Janet shakes a small bedazzled box with a slit on the top. It's cute.
"If you lack ideas, I can randomize you one!" She looks noticeably ecstatic about this.
Dan writes his resolution on a piece of paper.
"Can I see it?" Meghan almost jumps from the excitement. Dan shrugs with a smile.
“Start practicing piano again. Very nice!"
They clean up the lounge space for a beautiful grand piano. It’s white and glossy and so extra that Dan is slightly embarrassed of himself. Just a tiny bit.
Janet brings him books and sheet music. There’s no YouTube tutorials here but he can still make it work. He never had so much free time on his hands.
***
“Everyone group up, Janet will take a photo of us!”
People excitedly hurry to the center of the room and Dan comes to the back, hoping he won’t look too drunk on the pictures. Not like it matters anymore, there’s no Instagram or fans or anyone to judge. He joins the crowd as everyone’s saying cheese, such an innocent sweet moment from life.
What a good night.
***
“So George R.R. Martin went to hell?”
“I wouldn’t be surprised.”
“Let’s ask Janet.”
“I can bet on this vase he did,” Dan makes a gulp of his beer and points to the obscure shape in the corner.
People laugh.
“No one wants your vase, Dan,” Hadi comments, and now he joins the laughter.
He won. The guy is in hell.
“It’s strange to think about this,” Craig muses. “He’s being tortured this exact minute.”
It is strange.
***
It’s his birthday and he wanted to make perfect black muffins. They look the part but boy do they taste like trash.
“I’m sorry, Dan,” Janet shrugs and cleans the whole kitchen in a blink of an eye. “I can make you a batch that will both look and taste delicious.”
It’s not the same but the guests are coming in two hours and he still has so much to do.
“Yes, please.”
Sometimes they celebrate birthdays here. It doesn’t make sense anymore and most of the time Dan forgets about his birthday, but this year he would turn fifty on Earth and this would be a big deal there, so why not throw a party? He doesn’t have to spend money on decorations and booze or even clean up after everyone’s gone. People are throwing parties all the time here.
“Your first half-century, Dan!” Meghan holds a huge bouquet of velvety red roses as she enters the room and bops him on the nose. “Congratulations!”
***
It’s so quiet here. They once went to the world’s quietest room where each wall, along with the floor and the ceiling was covered in the sound-absorbing foam. It was crazy and after five minutes he was starting hearing things, as if the voices in his head expanded and reached way beyond his mind. He motioned Phil to leave. Phil then said that he was getting a headache almost immediately. They laughed about it later. It was a fun experience.
It’s quiet here too but in a different way. After he told Meghan that he wanted to spend a week completely alone, without talking to anybody, she offered him a small house by the lake and asked Janet to move his things there. A week went by and he asked to extend his experiment. It’s been two months.
He’s been cooking himself and washing the dishes, and reading, and meditating, and swimming in the lake. No one has come here. It’s like Meghan put him in a bubble inside a bubble and it’s all so different after forty-six years. All this time he lived in a community, and though he wasn’t obligated to ever leave his house or stay in contact with friends and neighbors, one day he felt like it was too much.
Not in a bad, depressing way, though. More like “I recognize that I need a change of scene. Let’s try something new.”
And he did.
And he feels better now. He can return to his fancy house with his fancy piano. He smiles at the thought.
***
Someone should've warned him. Humans only pretend that they like surprises, but Meghan probably thinks she’s done something extraordinary. He doesn’t have time to be annoyed at her. Because, after all, the biggest miracle in the universe is standing right there, in front of him. And it’s all his.
Phil is so warm and soft in his arms. His cheeks are wet, but before he realizes whose tears this is, Phil is kissing him, tongue and everything, hot breath, tasting salty and familiar. He doesn't know who closed the door, but they're alone now, and he's crying and laughing at the same time.
"I still don't understand what's happening," Phil whispers, and Dan presses him close to his chest, a tall solid body, like no one else he ever touched. He's young as well, looking just like Dan remembers him, wearing a plaid shirt, all buttons done. His eyes are bluer than the skies in heaven.
"Don't think about it now."
He'll explain everything later. Way later. After he shows Phil how soft the sheets here are, perfectly cool against their naked skin. After he makes him experience these overwhelming things that he will never get tired of experiencing. After they drink champagne and fall asleep not because they're tired but because it feels so good to cuddle and relax. His mind is finally at peace.
***
He can't let go of Phil's hand. When they're sitting together, watching Phil's memories, the ones Dan never got to share with him. When they walk around the Japanese garden, talking about so many big and small things they were eager to discuss all these years. When Phil starts crying telling Dan how hard it was to face the world again after losing him.
"If only I knew you're here. If only I knew that we meet again."
They move to a new house, the one that represents both of them now. Phil doesn't change much about Dan's original design, but the rooms are slowly getting filled with soft carpets and movie posters and a whole wall of crawling ivy. The shower and the bathtub are huge to fit them both, there's a fancy coffee maker on the kitchen isle because Phil prefers making his own coffee instead of asking Janet or going to a coffee place. Also a vending machine, weekly updated with the most bizarre snacks from around the world.
On their house-warming party, Meghan makes a toast and puts on a cheesy PowerPoint presentation in the background. Their pictures from before and after the Good Place slowly transition to some ballad song. Phil holds onto him, not because he's scared or uncomfortable, but because he finally can.
Soon Dan notices the changes in Phil that he wishes he could see evolve. He carries himself differently, his posture still clumsy but upright. His vision is perfect in the afterlife but he still wears glasses because he likes how they make him look. On the record, Dan gets to see what Phil was like in his later years and the image evokes something raw in his chest, something that makes him pause the video and straddle Phil on the sofa. Parts of him are more confident and less hesitant, just more comfortable about himself. He's mature and slower with expressing his thoughts, though just as playful and curious as when Dan last knew him.
"You looked amazing with grey hair," Dan strokes his neck, sensitive and pulsing under his fingers.
"Yeah," Phil replies thoughtfully. "You really missed me in my prime."
This is a joke but it places a sentimental thought into Dan's mind. They get to spend eternity together, in this perfect undisturbed world, but he still longs for a short human life with Phil.
***
Phil persuades him to perform on the next “Non-Christmas” party.
"You understand there are people here who have studied piano since they were four?"
Phil shakes his head. How is he so calm these days? Dan thought he himself made a great progress with anxiety but all this time Phil had to handle real life problems. He's an entirely different deal.
"So what? These are your songs, not theirs. And you had a lot of practice."
He played for Phil the very first night, after enjoying each other's touch and devouring all the food Phil could take in one sitting.
Phil loved the songs, of course he did. Dan likes them too but it's different to perform in front of all his neighborhood, most of whom are insanely talented people. Still, it feels like a nice thing to do.
***
"I was hoping that in heaven everything I can think of will immediately come true", Phil moans falling on the couch.
"Mm? Maybe I can help?" Dan closes the door behind them, fireworks still buzzing in his ears. "What do you want?"
Phil laughs.
"Undress me? I'm too tired."
Dan shakes his head as he sits on the edge of the couch and helps Phil take off his shoes. It was a long night, hours of chatting, and singing karaoke, and munching on food that never seemed to settle in their stomachs allowing them to eat and eat and eat until they're simply bored of it. Dan played a couple of his songs and nearly forgot one of them, his fingers slightly trembling above the keys, all the gazes in the room directed towards him. Meghan asked to take a picture of him playing on one of those toy cameras she seems to be fascinated with and he felt hot all over and excited to be a part of this evening, to have Phil's hands on his shoulders, to embrace him so freely in public.
"Everyone's been looking at you," Phil is quiet, almost inaudible, as Dan unbuttons his shirt and throws it on the floor. He leans in to kiss his tummy and smiles at the sudden rise of his chest.
"Yeah?"
Phil draws him in, separates his legs so Dan can fit right between them and lay on top, where their excited bodies can slide together. "We're in a literal heaven and you still light up the place."
This is ridiculous and Dan will never believe him, not in a thousand years, but he still feels his heart grow and reach through the rib cage to Phil.
"Were you jealous?" Dan is playful and smiling, touching Phil's cock through the fabric of his trousers, licking his nipples in anticipation. Someone is laughing outside and another burst of fireworks follows, perfectly lined up with Phil's loud moan.
"It was fun to be."
They both had someone after Dan died. This was one of the first long conversations they had, sitting quietly in their backyard, drinking beer and looking at the stars. Dan was the first to confess, suddenly feeling this overwhelming guilt for something so simple. It's been fifty-four years, of course they weren't supposed to stay celibate. Dan wouldn't be surprised even if Phil got married.
"I didn't," Phil smiled at this unspoken question. Dan closed his eyes in relief.
Phil had several partners. Lived with another man in his fifties. Had dates, one night stands. Not that many, no, Dan, don't look at me like that.
"I'm not looking at you! I just realized I don't know what you're like in your single-Phil mode."
Phil nudges him before leaning in and biting his ear.
Dan's connections are a little more awkward.
"So you're saying I'm probably gonna meet all the people you shagged?"
It's not that many people and it's not that weird. It's heaven, no one cares about this stuff here. People just want to have fun.
"Okay, so the guy who waved at you in the park yesterday..."
It was Dan's time to nudge.
"Sera and Simon would love to have us over, you know?" Dan leaves a mark on Phil's neck, it will disappear tomorrow, but it feels nice to do.
"Did they tell you that?"
"I just know."
Phil tugs at Dan's sweater, helping him get rid of the remaining layers and finally press against each other, flesh to flesh.
"I'd rather enjoy only you for now," he whispers, his tongue making circles on Dan's neck. "We have a whole eternity to engage in orgies."
Dan snickers.
"Four people are not an orgy, Phil," he buries his head in Phil's chest and laughs when Phil’s hands stop stroking him. "But I hear you and I'm not suggesting anything. You know, I've been waiting for you for fifty years."