I'm 19
i have some kind of factitious disorder (munchausens). I feel a lot of shame for it and i have no outlet for it. I can't tell my friends or anyone i know, they'd never trust me again. this is where I aim to be completely honest with my thoughts . I want to stop this and heal from it, i don't want to be a faker.
things I've done:
- pretended to faint twice
- faked absence seizures
- done copious amounts of careful research on epilepsy to understand what seizures look like and how to fake them.
- lied about a bad ex-friend hurting me to make him look worse and make people feel bad for me (he already was awful and cruel asshole to me and to others, so I feel this isn't too bad of a thing since everyone i know already hated him. i would never lie about someone who was innocent.).
- fantasized and planned out many scenarios in which i hurt myself, make it look like an accident, and go into the ER, or allow a friend to find me and take care of me. or scenarios where i fake having a seizure and my friends have to take me to the hospital. I know this is terrible and that's why i haven't done it despite having these manipulative desires to do so.
Im not proud of any of this. I want it to stop. I don't know what the point of this blog is other than to maybe feel less alone. this disorder is so extremely stigmatized that i can't talk about it anywhere unless its anonymous. i feel too scared to get therapy, I don't know if i could find a therapist who'd understand and want to help me. currently I haven't done any behaviors like this for several months (except daydream about them) so that's a win I guess.
