#muchneededvent

[mourningpetal]

I’ve never had someone pick me apart so much. I feel offended by how rude it was but that's on them, not me.

I feel like a puppet on strings and people just want to move and shape me to their liking.

I'm actually aware of my flaws thank ya very much.

But plot twist: I’m okay with it and I’m happy with myself. I am always working on progressing myself. But one thing that'll never change, I have a genuine heart unlike a lot of people.

[spontaneousstranger]

It feels as thought my mentality has changed. I now think, having ‘feelings’ such as lust, love or even reliance on another individual is a sign of weakness. And I hate to be weak. I hate to let weakness overcome me. It’s made me bitter towards myself and others to the point I despise the thought of marriage and companionship. Because instead of considering it as a union. Teamwork, reliance on one another. It seems pretty impossible for me to show another human a vulnerable side of me. I don’t know why. I was NEVER like this. I used to be the sort of person who loved the thought of companionship at a young age. I don’t know what’s changed. Priorities maybe? Responsibility? I guess when you don’t have a father and have to step into the role of being one of the breadwinners. Things change. When your family rely on you. Things change. You change. I never thought it would affect me tbh. It all happened 5 years ago. But i’ve realised that it has affected me. A Lot. More now, than before. Perhaps because I’m getting older. But i hate it.. It’s made me bitter towards myself. I don’t hate males..well, I don’t want to. But its just made me bitter and I don’t understand why so suddenly.

It’s makes you independent, to the point where you don’t NEED a male in your life. You don’t NEED them at all. If one day I did get married. It would be because I want to, not because i need to. There’s a difference. A big difference. And that doesnt make me a bad person for not needing anyone. I guess a time will come where i learn that I too must give in to allow a man into my life for marriage. But until then. I don’t owe anyone anything. I’ll be who I need to be to support my family. And if that makes people think i’m unfair or selfish because I don’t give my time to anyone else, so be it.