#mun troubles

[fxd3ddr3xms]

Ugh, I think I need to start looking for a new job.

[one-twisted-sister]

Okay tumblr isn’t letting me answer any asks is anyone else having this problem?

[tempi-fantrolls]

and, like, for the longest time I didn’t even realize that my mom was treating me badly? Everyone was all like “your parents want the best for you” “They’re so nice” “It’s not like they hit you.”

And guess who now has debilitating mental illnesses! 

She even treats my dad like shit. Like, he’s very fat and she berates him for eating anything ‘unhealthy’, eating ‘too much’, and not exercising. But when he does exercise she makes fun of him for being slow or not keeping up with her. Like, of course he’s not going to exercise if you’re gonna be like that! 

Plus she always makes way too much food and gets upset if we don’t eat it all. Like, where did you expect all this food to go? What did you expect to happen? 

My dad’s not even unhealthy otherwise! He’s could stand to exercise more because he gets winded doing small things but, like, otherwise he’s got a clean bill of health. 

[plainsimpletailorgarak]

I swear I’m trying to get to replies. -starts to write- cat jumps on lap- ass in my face- Gitt off you furr -gets back to writing- gets asked how to do a thing for a costume...-halps with the pattern again- -gets back to writing again-ohh meme, reblog-gets ask answers ask -gets back to writing- oh this song is good-dances -gets back to writing-oh other meme- reblog- gets ask- answers ask -gets back to writing- Why do i have so little writing done.... -Writes about my predicament....

[inchlingmallet]

I swear, if I actually cracked and offed myself, my only note and last words for this world would be “I just wanted to belong”.

Because, in the end, that’s really all I want. 

That’s all I’ve wanted for a very long time now. As far back as I can remember, really. And it seems that every time I try to let myself trust people, I get fucked in the ass.

I’ve been using RPing as a means to try and connect with others for years now. Maybe it’s just I’m a naive moron and see it differently than others do. I see it as building stories, characters, worlds between myself and another, getting to know each other through how our words, perspectives and attitudes play off each other, and maybe even become friends.

But no matter how hard I try to fight it, it’s never mutual. Unless I’m serving as an active source of entertainment or wish-fulfillment, nobody wants anything to do with me. I’m not a person, I’m just fingers at a keyboard to play a muse to satisfy their wants. 

There is literally only one or two people in this community as thus I know I can trust on some level. One of them actually goes out of his way to shoot me a message pretty regularly. I don’t give him enough credit, tbh.

I’m just...so tired.

I’m so exhausted with trying to put myself out there, only to be met with dead silence until I vanish from the room and everybody begins talking again, or shut down outright. It’s happened with such frequency now that I’m almost convinced that, every time I try to initiate something, someone is talking to someone about it behind my back. 

Needlessly paranoid? Of course it is; it borders on insanity. But that should give you people a clue as to what kind of position I’m in, the kind of mindset I live with every day.

Nobody gives a fuck if they’ve hurt you in some way, even if you tell them.  Because nobody here’s a real human being, right? It’s just a username that gives you your fucking yuri and then holds no further value.

I’m just so tired of hurting inside all the time. And I’m tired of letting myself be hurt further by extending trust to others.  Yet at the same time, I can’t let myself grow callous and unfeeling. I’ve promised myself I would never allow myself to become desensitized.

And the absolute worst of it is, I have no one I can confide in.  Do you know how maddening that is? To be so distraught so frequently, making regular attempts to reach out to others, having fearful negativity spiral inside and having nowhere to let it out?

Even this venting post is a gamble, because I guaran-fucking-tee someone is going to look at this and take an attitude of “How DARE you claim someone is doing bad things, I-I’M NOT A BAD PERSON, VAGUEPOSTING, VAGUEPOSTING” or some other defensive, projecting horseshit, and then I’ll have to deal with trouble for no other reason than I just can’t keep it all inside at this point.

Does anybody actually like me at all? Do I have any worth beyond practical value? Am I a real, thinking, feeling human being to someone?

[keelime-art]

I pulled something in my back yesterday while grocery shopping. (Damn you enormous bag of kitty kibble) Now I’m in a lot of pain and on some fairly strong painkillers.

Hopefully I can take it easy today and be alright tomorrow. I won’t be arting/working on commissions much today, I’m sorry ;w;

[tempi-fantrolls]

So I had a day

Had to visit my emotionally abusive parents to do a thing

Found out I didn’t actually have to do the thing. Ended up having my mom be an ass about the collectables I still have at their house. 

Went out to dinner with them, that was fine. 

Then my mom lost her shit because I wanted to go see one of my friends instead of staying with her. Which is full of bullshit because I told her that was what I was going to do after dinner, but apparently she wanted me to change my mind and hang out with her? And like, her acting like this is exactly why I don’t want to hang out with her. Because I tell her my plans and she acts like it's the end of the world if I don’t change them to do what she wants. 

So yeah, had a bit of a panic attack because my mom was being a shit and I had to go back to their house to get my car and things. Was only able to actually leave my parents house because I said I’d come back. Went to friends house and had a good time. 

I didn’t go back to my parents like I was coerced into saying I would so I’m probably going to get hell for that in the morning. 

Bleh. Not feeling the best at the moment. Might try to distract myself with some ask memes or something. 

[fxd3ddr3xms]

Why do I always fall in love with the doomed ships?