I keep losing muse over the past few months and it’s all due to ooc reasons. I’m someone entirely different even though I’m quite alike Chanyeol in many ways... But lately, a lot of crap has been thrown on him and he’s a giver, he gives too much of himself until there’s nothing left.
Since I’ve been too busy, my notebook has been snatched away by my brother, there’s a lot of pressure on my shoulders and several other reasons I shall not mention, muse haven’t had the time (nor motivation on my part) to be around his friends and dedicate to them, all of them, and I’m being accused of playing favorites, taking people for granted or sitting back and waiting for them to reach me instead. None of these accusations are real. My mind is simply shutting down and running a thousand miles per hour so I’m just… exhausted.
My lack of patience has nothing to do with muse and yet I’ve been passing that through him. My brutal honesty is also coming out through him and it doesn’t suit Chanyeol, who is always a soothing friend. With all that’s happening, I – the mun – am the one to blame for everything, not him. However, he’s the one taking it all by himself and it saddens me too much that he’s hurt. If I was to decide alone, I’d deactivate and disappear for good this time because it seems to me everything’s crumbling down on his head and I’m not here to hurt nor cry. This was supposed to be fun and with all the things I have to deal with ooc now, this has become more of a burden to me.
But muse won’t let me simply rip him off of people’s lives in here. And I actually feel guilty… I, the mun, have no problem in being alone and having no friends. I could easily live in a cave and never ever have any human contact but muse isn’t like me. I’m just too frustrated that I keep holding him back from fulfilling his promises to people and interacting, replying and whatnot. If I go on with this, I fear he’ll soon become the worse part of me and I’d hate to see that happening. Even now when he’s found happiness again, I can’t seem to hold him for a long time and people mistake my lack of time for favoritism/selfishness which just pisses me off and damn I can be a rude ass girl, you have no idea!
Many times I feel like bitchslapping a mun/muse or punching them in the stomach or I just sit here, sigh and roll my eyes when muse is calm and being the great friend he actually is. He cares too much when I couldn’t care less, exceptions given. So no, I don’t want to see him acting like me. I despise myself and love him instead. I can’t even start to figure out how to work through this and honestly I don’t think I care enough at this point when I’m considering just leaving krp and rp in general for good. There’s too much bullshit for me to handle, I mean… my life has enough of it already.
Vomits. I just needed to get it out there.
