Oh Aria, I hate you so much sometimes
You're ugly, even more so because you're so full of yourself and you think (and reiterate) that you're so gorgeous. You are narcissistic to an extreme fault.
You are selfish, self-involved, self-obsessed. You are crude, rude, abrasive, mean, arrogant, base, graceless, careless, unkind, inconsiderate, loud, obnoxious... You have gross and unhygienic habits. You are white & subsumed by white guilt. You are a liberal. You are mostly miserly and stingy except for sudden moments of (often very great) generosity. You are paranoid to an extent that you make people suffer for it. You assume the worst and the best simultaneously in people, but you don't really see the grey (only sometimes? Or maybe I just thought that once). You are so fucking impolite, really. You get angry too easily, and you take license to yell and create a generally emotionally violent environment far too often (I know I do this too, often, and so I feel guilty saying these things, but...) You are improper and culturally insensitive, as well as generally insensitive. You are imposing and proud and guttural. You are disgusting. I am, in so many ways, repulsed by you.
I don't really know what to do with all this. Sometimes I just shake with the fury of it all, sitting on the toilet or whatever, trying to squeeze it all in. I complain about you endlessly to my girlfriend who we also live with. I cannot believe that I once had a crush on you. You are unattractive to an extreme. Whatever charisma you had, with your music and your passion and your at-times delightful Frenchness-- it is mostly gone. There are times I still feel it. Other times-- so many times-- I just want you to shut the fuck up. I am tired of reassuring you about all the racist and white liberal bullshit you make me put up with. I am tired of being empathetic. I am tired of feeling guilty because you paid for Sophie to come here to India with us, because you pay for certain things sometimes, because you bought me some nice things, because you display unusual kindness at random moments. Of course you are complicated and not one thing or the other. I know. You understand a lot of things about rage and the complexities of emotional abuse in ways I will always be endlessly grateful for.
It's sad that you don't even understand how insulting and horrible you are to other people, how it seems like you don't even mean it, how you don't even realize how incredibly self-centered you're being. You apologize for it while never really understanding what is wrong. You just really don't seem able to understand & I feel sorry for you in that and I feel bad for feeling sorry for you but, yeah. I don't know. Ugh!
But I'm tired-- so tired-- of apologizing for the guilt I've made you feel over your racist bullshit or whatever. So tired of the way you go on and on and on and fucking ON about some obscure TV show or book or whatever you're interested in and "can't believe [we] haven't heard of" -- or even something we do know of-- and I am tired of your absolute fucking obliviousness and disregard for other people. You don't get social cues, your people skills are hopeless, I feel bad about hating it all so much sometimes because I realize you're so marginalized in this way (and you don't even realize it).
I feel bad for feeling disdainful and spiteful about your religious life, reducing it only to whiteness when you are sincerely trying to explore pagan roots in your heritage. I feel bad for expecting, hoping, that maybe you'll get it-- you'll get how to be kind and considerate, how not to constantly insult people all the time. I feel bad for apologizing constantly for your behaviour, for having to explain you away, often feeling like I have to do so more than maybe I actually have to. I'm tired of being so on guard, waiting for the next time you snap and leave me shell-shocked and emotionally bruised. You are volatile and you have a terrible temper and you reek of entitlement which you display so fondly and you are terrible at being accountable and you fucking scare people (including me). You terrify me sometimes. But I know I can be terrifying too, so I try to put up with it. I'm so tired, though. You are brash and cruel and you overestimate your abilities and your privileges while also not realizing some very crucial privileges.
Let's face it, Aria. I will be positively astounded if you ever actually make it in the music industry. You don't have the privileges (especially the looks) that it takes. Let's face it, Aria. You are never going to get him back, and I hope to dear everlasting god that you do not end up going to wherever the fuck he's at and really killing him like you've threatened to in the past (before killing yourself). I am tired of being responsible for you. I am tired of being scared next to you in your car while also relying on you as a transportation medium. I feel terrible for putting my girlfriend through all this. I feel terrible, period.
I guess I wanted to believe I could always be openminded and accepting but I find myself deplorably fucked up over you. You remind me of me and you don't remind me of me at all. Sophie says we both can get just as bad and that's probably true-- other times she says I don't get as bad as you in certain ways-- it's all very complicated, but maybe I shouldn't have to just always be okay with you just because I feel so horrible about myself. You understood me until we ran out, I guess, and now we just have those brief shared moments of connection getting duller and duller. Your possessiveness and territoriality and manipulation and guilting and social ineptitude are wearing me to the ground, it is so fucking difficult living with you (it's so fucking difficult living with me too, I know) and I just want to die/scream a lot.
I can't wait till you go back to the US and I have a couple weeks of a break from you before Sophie and I go back to the US too. But those couple weeks are going to be really hard for other reasons, too. I just don't know what to do because I'm really financially reliant on you in some crucial ways that Sophie can't pick up yet, and I just feel endlessly guilty about everything, but maybe there needs to be something better than this, we are just not good for each other-- not anymore, and maybe we never really were.