#my brain though

[emthejedichic]

Oh my god I had a dream where Kylo told Hux "I know about your sister" and Hux is like "I don't have a sister" and Kylo was like "yes you DO her name is Erica and she's IN THE RESISTANCE" and then I think he threatened to tell everyone? And anyway that's all I remember but it came from my brain so when I tell you that was preslash...

Wtf brain. And the little sense of it I had is that she was Brendol's kid, as well. So she'd have been Erica Hux.

[annabelle4]

Listening to Tears for Fears' "Woman in Chains" right now . . . and all I can think about it my conversation yesterday with my doctor, and how . . . maybe I can imagine a future for myself where I'm not weighed down? Maybe?

What if. Just those two words. WHAT IF.

What if it isn't too late for my life to be different. What if I was able to live somewhere else and work somewhere else and be myself.

What if?

But I feel such immense guilt. How can I leave? I don't know if I can or should. Stay or leave. Be nothing or be something. Be no one or be someone.

But it isn't so simple.

[theidlespoon]

i promise i’m a nice person you just have to get past my layers of shyness, vague dislike, awkwardness, nihilism, anxiety, and obsessive tendency to push people away when i need them most.

[clatterbane]

I know that "bevis" is a direct cognate of Beweis--besides being spelled (and pronounced!) differently from the below.

But, what still pops immediately into my mind, every single time I read that word?

[alwayschangingstuff]

Listening to Moana and trying not to have a panic attack! Good afternoon world 🌎

[annabelle4]

I started dissociating in the middle of talking to my boss yesterday afternoon. Literally, in the middle of conversation. She had popped in to see if I was okay and to check on the progress of some things I've been working on, and then THAT HAPPENED.

The upside? I caught myself, and started doing the "what can I hear, what can I see, what can I feel, etc." exercise.

The downside? I was having trouble finding voicing all of this to my boss--trying to let her know I was having an episode and thus working through a means of pulling myself back into the moment.

Everything came out garbled, or I felt like it did. And I could see her expression change.

When she first came in, we were talking a bit about how I might adjust my work schedule and work location to make things easier for me . . . but after I damn-near dissociated, she mentioned that if I needed a few weeks off for mental health purposes, we could work that out.

My issue with taking time off is that it merely means I'll be in the house a lot more, and I don't feel emotionally safe there. If I could get to a point of, say, moving out on a temporary basis? Maybe getting a little apartment nearby, where I could still walk to work if I wanted? . . . then I might try taking a few weeks just to get things sorted out.

But that's such a huge step, and I'm not ready for it yet.

[annabelle4]

This was a hard day emotionally.

Also, I dissociated at work again, and this time it was around quite a few people. I tried to wave it off later -- "oh, ha ha, next time I should carry my lemon drops and my essential oil with me" etc. as if it's just the most normal thing in the world to MENTALLY CHECK OUT in front of my entire office.

Then this evening I had a virtual meeting to run -- that, though, was mercifully better.

I was honest and funny and just flipped things so that other people were talking more than I was and it was perfectly fine, despite my being almost ENTIRELY unprepared.

Being honest is hard but worth it. Because of something I opened up about during the meeting, another person opened up with me -- not in a heavy way, but in a good way.

What's interesting to me is the necessity of finding the "fine line" -- at which being open with others is helpful and not hurtful.

I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME, and all of my many fuck-ups, and I'm not sure I can articulate why. The magical, lovely idea that maybe others understand? But also the magical, lovely idea that maybe if I'm open about my trauma, others will know they aren't alone? And that you can live through it?

[annabelle4]

I look around and realize -- I have already left this house. I live here, but I have left. I have hardly touched anything in the kitchen in months, except for the toaster and the coffee maker. We have a new stove that I haven't even bothered to use.

I do the laundry when necessary, but I don't bother hanging it up; I wear the same several outfits over and over, and just put them down on the dresser. Putting them away or hanging them up feels like work. I have no idea what S. does with his clothes; I wash them and throw them on top of the dryer and then . . . don't even notice beyond that.

I no longer see the things around me, and I don't care if things are out of place. Nothing has a place here, least of all me.

My therapist asked me last week whether I would want the house or whether I would want to leave (if there was a split) -- without any hesitation I said that I would want to go. This house is heavy with the weight of avoidance.