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might come back and expand on this once I've read more about it but I'm obsessed with gaz developing subtle ptsd from his experience in resistance to interrogation training bc something that shouldn't have happened happened but it all stays under the radar bc he's one of those few who perform excellently under stress. his results were the best of the batch. he's doing more than fine. nothing to see here (<- he has been living with life-altering ptsd for the past 5 years or so which has ruined his ability to maintain personal relationships)

#sa cw for the tags #there's this horrible scene from the tv show the americans which depicts a superior officer sexually assaulting a subordinate #and he paints it as if it's part of her training (she's going to be acting as a spy) meaning that she needs to be resilient to abuse #it stuck with me forever it was so devastating #then I saw rawme-price's hc about gaz suffering sa during rti and it clicked somewhere DEEP #can't help but imagine he'd be ashamed of it but also confused #bc the superior officer who did that to him played it off as if he was just doing his job #and he even commended gaz for not breaking under the pressure #so gaz feels both complicit and like he has no right to feel slighted #and that maybe if he has these strange psychological reactions even after all this time it's bc he's weaker than his peers #so he vows to never ever talk about it #my cod headcanons #fish hook.

John Price being ostensibly at ease with and proud of the lengths he's comfortable going to to get the job done. Yeah, he's got loose morals, he's practical, he doesn't mind getting his hands dirty. Enjoys it, even. Except he can't be alone with those thoughts for too long, at least not sober. Can't look at himself in the mirror too closely. Because there's a small, secret part of him that's prone to wonder if maybe that ruthless nature of his is more than just a justified product of this line of work. Maybe it had already been there, way before he killed his first man. Maybe he was always like this, even as a kid. Maybe that's why it was so easy for his parents to treat him the way they did. Maybe they looked at him and saw that he wasn't whole inside, that there was something fundamental missing. Maybe his poor mother saw that emptiness in his eyes when he was still a baby in the crib and recoiled in horror, and that's why she could never really love him. He can't think about that one too much. It's a slippery slope. And it doesn't really matter, anyway. The way he is works for him. He just has to remember not to let anyone come too close. Can't stand the thought of someone else leaning in enough to see the gaping void inside of him, just to stumble back, face twisted in disgust.

#john price #*gives him childhood trauma* que bonita 👸#now and again those thoughts hijack his brain #and he starts going over his childhood memories obsessively looking for confirmation that he was born bad #he'll look at behaviours that are consistent with a normal child reacting to a traumatic environment #and use them to reaffirm his self hatred bc “a good kid wouldn't have done that”#and also: “a good kid wouldn't have been so easy to hate and abandon”#yay #my cod headcanons #koehler method.

#my cod headcanons

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