#mybluffs

[the-lara-life]

Lonely Little Christmas Night

I do not know what I lack this year for Christmas to be this... sad. Maybe it's a family thing, maybe I just kind of miss my mom and the cold breeze of winter wind of Macao on my face. Or maybe it's the inconvenience of lodging into my uncle's couch for Christmas. Or the maybe the lack of warm hugs from my special someone. Or maybe the stress from thesis and the pressure to finish it before school starts (when the truth is I haven't even started it yet.) OR ALL OF THE ABOVE. I don't know. My mom's here in the Philippines but she's not 'here' with me but rather she's in Tagaytay in the posh and rich life of her in-laws while I'm being eaten my mosquitos here in the living room of Tito Manny's house. Sad. I don't know. My boyfriend is out there. In Baguio. With his family and I know it's bad to be envy, but it's also bad to lie so yeah, I envy him. He has his family with him. Sort of in a complicated situation but in a much more better circumstances than mine. At least he's happy. I'm double sad. I don't know. I should start with my thesis plate not that I don't want to, I CAN'T. I need my space, unfortunately there's none. One thing that I do know is that the reason for this season is Jesus. And I should be happy. Tomorrow, when I wake up, I'd be happy. That, I owe to myself.

[the-lara-life]

A lovely mor-night for my thoughts..

And as predicted! All those to-be-accomplished goals for this semestral breaks is, poof! GONE. For sem break is officially over.

Oh my gosh!

Newsflash. This just in! I JUST FINISHED MY SUPER DUPER LAST SEM BREAK IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

And I can’t believe I spent it with my bed. And my iPad. And in movies. And on house chores that I am not SUPPOSED to be doing! And in non-stop television series. And in my growing addiction to Clash of Clans. (Why now.) And in everything that’s not worth “sembreaking” for.

But of course. The consolation highlights of those dull moments would be the food! Oh, the homemade food! The brunch alarm clocks! The experimental desserts with my cousins. And the insides of family rumours. Yes to the rendezvous with Mr. Red! (All worth it!!)

So, i think it’s not fair to say that my sembreak’s all trashed and boring. Guess life’s just like that.

[the-lara-life]

I listed the things that I want to accomplish this sembreak.

1. Shopping at Greenhills. 2. Eat in a restaurant and drown myself to seafoods! 3. Go swimming! I want some water in my mermaid skin. 4. Clubbing! 5. And the hardest of them all, do my preliminary plans for my Design 10.

[the-lara-life]

Wanting Something Worth Living For

I'm currently torn with my inner self. I have this "craving" for something new, something worth living for. I dunno. I'm pretty messed up and I do not actually understand myself right now. Dunno if it's a hormonal thing or whatever. Haha.

After so many years, ngayon nalang ulit ako nakapag spend ng vacation here in the Philippines. Don't get me wrong ha. I do not have anything against this country. Well, except for the insane heat and the traffic and the crowded places and the lack of place to stay and.. well you get my point, right? Haha.

Reasons why I stayed here: 1. My hopeful plea for OJT credited hours through summer job. 2. Fix and prepare for my thesis. 3. Don't wanna stay at our home in Macau knowing that Ate Hannah is there (Not that we are not in good terms ha, it's just awkward and crowded.) 4. And, of course, the main reason is to spend vacation time with Pula.

Along with my main reason, I had entangled some vivid imaginative and super feeling dates within. Like you know, basking underneath the sun, going on mall dates, buffet meals, going to places I haven't been to, shopping without wasting all our savings and etc, etc, etc.

However unfortunately, sometimes dreams just remain as dreams. Since the start of vacation I did nothing but bask into, instead of the sun, bed and couches. I am now officially bored to death.

Don't get me wrong okay, we do go out just not as often as I imagined it would be. Guess you can say this is not what I bargained for. But anyway, I do not wanna say that my decision to stay here in the Philippines is a wrong one. No, I'm just saying that I think I deserve better than this.

And now. I have this family thing in Batanggas. And Pula is somewhat against it. I'm a little down right now. But honestly, I get where his coming from. He's just afraid of is being into fights while I'm out there without him. He's just afraid of lies I might commit and strangers I might meet. I know 'cause that's the same thing that I felt when you said you're going to Cebu with your family. I know, in my part it's a harder toll but I hope you can see that preventing me in such things will yes, avoid our fights but at the same time you're limiting our lives with nonsense boundaries in order for this relationship to be safe.

But please, understand. I need to see life. I need to feel alive.

[the-lara-life]

Someday in the Future

I'm here. Sitting at the edge of the bed at De Lara's residence. Family nila Tito Manny, brother ng mom ko. This is where I usually stay kapag walang classes and vacation. Pag nagvivisit ako sa Calamba. Yes, we have our own place in Macau. Pero that's just it. None here in the Philippines. Alangan naman na uwi pa ako sa Macau just to stay for Saturday and Sunday and be back by Monday. Alam ko it may sound a bit drastic pero I do not have somewhere I can call my home dito. That closest that I have to home is yung apartment in Vito Cruz where I stay pag may classes. Di ako pwede mag stay dun kasi they won't let me pag alone ako. I get the point. It's kind of scary to live in Manila alone nga naman. That is why I'm here. My dillema. Where will I sleep? Lahat ng space occupied na. They are a family 6. Plus si Ate Janice, our cousin that acts as a helper and si Kuya Ayan na second cousin nakiki-bunk kasi madaling araw ang duty for work. It clearly states that a two-storey house with two bedrooms is not proportion with the number of heads sleeping in an area. This is the reason why I wanna be successful, why I want to strive for success. Someday in the future.. I want my own spacious home. Someday in the future.. I want to be somewhere I can be me and live comfortable. Someday in the future.. I'll finally call my very own place "home".

[the-lara-life]

Sorry!

I got everything mixed up. Yeah, all the links are in a frenzy so haha.. sorry not sorry. 

[the-lara-life]

I reallllllyyyy wanna post the super duper good news na but my schedule won't let me. :( Too many deadlines ahead. Why.

After my busy week, okay?

[the-lara-life]

Why can't I have the best of both worlds?

10th of January Kanina, kumain kami sa McDo. It's Friday, it's itim day. This new year I pledged to myself that I'll be "closer" to my friends again. Kaya nandito ako/kami. Kasi nung dumating si Pula, everything in my life was shaken. Don't get me wrong ha. I don't regret na I have Pula in my life ha. I am more than grateful. Kaso, what I hated was the fact that everything has to change. And I do not want the change. Kaya sabi ko ibabalik ko kung ano mang nasira. Itatry ko with all my might. Yes, I like Pula and I do not want to lose him. But I like my friendship to be intact even though he's here. Kanina. Sa dinner kasama ng friends ko, I realized something. I have skipped a whole lot of my life. All the happenings na pinagkukwentuhan nila, I was not there. I have no idea. The party that they been too, the epic lunch breaks, the sideline trips in every assignements, wala ako. I was (one of) the life of the party before, but now I was a mere shadow. Nagkukwentuhan sila about sa Christmas "club" party na pinuntahan nila sa Laguna. Dati kami kami mastermind. Dati ako yung "Next time dun tayo sa my dance floor mag bar!" Ayaw ko pa nun sa Bellagio kasi walang dance floor. Then I remembered na I was one of those like them before. I was the "teller" of the story, not the "listener". I had planned since I was 1st year HS that I'd experience every shit before I graduate. Pero ayaw ko naman mawala si Pula or even risk us fighting over some "one-night happiness". Pero ayaw ko din naman tumanda and say, "Ay, di ko nagawa yan dati nung panahon ko." Ayoko din mag regret. Now, my friends are living their life and I'm jealous. I am fvcking jealous. Why can't I have the best of both worlds?