July 18, 2013 My foreign affair
I never learn. This happened to be twice and now the third. I talk to a new guy who I am so head over heals with and I think they are the same and then weeks pass and they distance themselves. I don't get it though! A week ago, joshua and I would talk every night all cute with interesting and long conversations. Then one night you tell me how you're down and it's about your ex. I asked you what about your ex you wanted to talk about and you said "I don't like her or feel her na" ...and??? Is what I asked but you wanted to talk about it another time. Of course I respected that because it wasn't my problem to talk about. After that, things went back to normal. We called each other baby as we said goodnight and used the cute emojis like we always do. But that night around 4 am I woke up like I always do to talk to you and you message me with "yo" which is strange of you to do because usually you say something like "hi" or "Sam!" With the occasional cute smiley face. I didn't think much of it thought because I was half asleep so I replied. I later woke up in the morning still left with my reply and none for you. Being my stalker self of course I checked your twitter and hers...where I discovered you both retweeted love quotes and hacking each others account like you were an item. It confused me because just the night before you were saying that you didn't like her anymore. But I don't know if I read that correctly. We're you trying to say you don't like her anymore but...you love her? It's killing me everyday that I don't know why you just completely stopped talked to me. Cut me out of your life when your were basically mine. I'm so frustrated with you but mostly myself because I let this happen. I let myself get into this sort of "fling" knowing I would end up hurt in the end, like always. I just thought it would be different this time because I thought you were different. That somehow because you lived in a different country that I absolutely adored meant you were different. But I was wrong because you are just like all the guys I've ever had a fling with. I'm angry at myself because even after I knew you were ignoring me and talking to other girls, I gave in and messaged you. I even bought a happy meal just to get a minion so that would be my excuse to talk to you. Hah. And how do you reply? Very vague. Different. It sucks because I don't know what I did for you not to talk to me anymore. And not just talk to me like we did flirting and stuff..I'm sad because you were my first friend in the philippines and now I don't even have that. For once in a really long time, I felt wanted, appreciated, needed, and confident. I was so happy because I was able to be myself with you completely. And excited because I had something to look forward to back in my safe place. And now I'm afraid, because the philippines is my safe place. A place where I can sit at the parlor and smile to everyone I come across because I feel no sadness or hatred to anyone and vice versa. But when I come back, and I'm sitting at that parlor, and I see you...then what? It won't be my safe place anymore because a safe place is where I feel loved and confident. And if and when I do see you, that will all go away.
