#myheadsamess

[overthinkingismyhobby1]

I am my own worse enemy...

[overthinkingismyhobby1]

Being awake at night, with my own thoughts is so damn dangerous.

[luisxiv]

My head's a mess

¿Porque le escribo a alguien a quien ni siquiera le importo?, Creo que el problema empieza desde que de recibimos educación, el echo de memorizar, tener que aprender algo para no olvidarlo es lo que nos hace daño. Mi punto es que, en cierto modo nos enseñan a aprender más no a olvidar y eso nos cuesta mucho trabajo. Ojalá se me quedaron grabadas todas las palabras reservadas de algún lenguaje de programación a tu estúpida y encantadora sonrisa, ¿De verdad te extraño tanto?. Tal vez no y solo sea que hoy te extrañe poquito o puede ser que llevo todo el día escuchando la canción que te dedique y tanto te gustó, de cualquier modo dudo que llegues a leer esto y no creo que sea tan importante.

[pantie-pirate]

To sink or to swim? #MyHeadsAMess

[nathenandrew]

I've thought alot about wanting to die today...

I'm proud of myself, I didn't do anything stupid or drown myself in drugs to make it stop, I just tried to be louder then the voice in the back of my head telling me I'm a failure

[soundslikeasecret]

read...but please don't judge.

Think of smoking. You know it’s bad for you. You know it’s doing you harm. Everyone tells you it’s bad for you and everyone tells you to stop. You hear about all these people who die from it and people whose lives change forever because of it. And yet, you can’t stop it. You don’t want to do it but you can’t bring yourself to stop. Even if you want to and you know you should, you can’t.

It’s an addiction. Once you start, you can’t stop. You can’t physically bring yourself to put the cigarette down and stop. Why do you do it? Stress relief. A sense of being in control of yourself and your emotions. It makes you feel better about yourself and your situation. And it’s easier than facing your problems. All you have to do is light one cigarette and you’re sorted. No more worries. No having to stand up to the things bringing you down.

Of course, it has it’s long term effects. The internal scars. You’re not the same person anymore. People who know about it look at you differently. YOU look at you differently. Others begin to judge you, your life, your problems. They call you names. They make assumptions. It’s the worst thing ever to know they see you as they do, and you’re almost giving them what they want by doing it, but you still can’t bring yourself to stop. Because listening to them put you down, putting yourself down, is easier than fighting the addiction. You don’t do it to kill yourself or to bring harm to yourself but if anything happened, you wouldn’t care. You’d feel like you deserved it. Once you start, you can’t stop because everything inside of you tells you to carry on. And you’re not strong enough to fight that.

Leaving the smoking behind is the hardest thing to do. It takes shit loads of willpower and all your strength. You have to constantly tell yourself you’re worth more than the damage you’re doing to yourself. You have to convince yourself to put the cigarette down, to believe in yourself enough to be able to stop. You have to believe in yourself. That’s where the problem lies. Because believing in yourself is the hardest thing anyone can do. To believe in yourself, you need to give yourself a reason and by smoking, it makes it harder day by day to find that reason. So you don’t bother believing in yourself and you end up an internal mess.

There will always come a point where you’ll hit rock bottom. You turn on yourself. You tell yourself you’re not strong enough. You’re not worth it. You’re better off staying as you are. You will never beat this. Nobody cares. And eventually, you convince yourself that what you’re doing, the harm you’re doing, is better off. And it’s easier. It’s easier for you to stay as you are and ignore the damage. You’ve already failed everyone, what difference does it make? Some people can get out of that, with the help of others. But the majority can’t fight it. They’re too weak to fight it. Much too weak.

Now take a step back and really think about what I’ve said. Go back to the beginning and read through it once more. And this time, apply this whole thing to cutting. Because the only difference in smoking and cutting is that smoking does damage to the inside, and cutting does damage to the outside. That is the only difference...

So there we go. You now know just a little bit about how I feel on a daily basis. And how much I struggle. I just wanted you to understand that we don’t choose the life we have. It chooses us. And sometimes, it’s easier to live it than to change it.