My Late Night Thoughts #3....
This is a change of subject to from what I usually talk about. This one is going to be about this one boy I had relationship with. I am not going to go boring anyone to details of why we didn’t make it, but just know that he got the better end and me well I got hurt pretty bad. He made me feel pretty pathetic, worthless and I turned into the women I thought I would never be. Just if you didn’t know already I have always had pretty low self-worth of myself since I was young.
So here came this guy, confident, proud, gorgeous, everything I was not, everything I wish to be. He gave me the slightest attention and I got hooked on him pretty bad. It eventually got to that point where, I hate to admit it even to myself but, I loved him. Like to the extent that, I would pretend to like the same activities he liked love him, let him have the last piece of M&M love him and hold a massive boom box over the top of my head outside his window love him. He was definitely my McDreamy.
And just as I thought I couldn’t get more lame, I thought maybe if I gave him my body, my temple, in return he could possibly give me his heart. I was really foolish to ever think he could ever do that. Unfortunately, this was the reason I stayed longer then I should have. However, I am a human being, we all make mistakes, we all are flawed in some way or another. What I am trying to say here is that, we can’t help who we fall in love with. So stupidly in love that, I would drop whatever it was that, I was doing to go and help him. Dropped my university work for him and he knew how important that was to me. I do that with most people I love to be honest. What did he do? Well he broke me.
I had just got back to being this happy, bubbly person after recovering from anorexia and bulimia. Half way through the relationship until the end, I had turned into this mean person with this dark cloud over my head. The way I was to him afterwards was horrible no doubt, but I make no apologies for how I choose to repair myself for what he broke.
To be honest I am starting to feel happy and content with myself now that he is not around. With him it was all one very bad tunnel vision. So what now? As Kelly Coutrone says there is a French phrase, 'je voudrais flaner avec toi’ this loosely translates to walk aimlessly without a plan. I plan to exactly to that :)
