06/25/24
i've decided to fully go back to my 2013- 2018 vibes bc even tho i didn't seem like it on the outside, i was waaayyyyyy happier then. tbh i think i was just pretending to be sad for the aesthetic. also i'm back with the guy i dated both of those times & literally the only reason i ever broke up with him was bc i thought i was too f4t (which wasn't even true most of the time) so basically im restarting bc he actually deserves it. the last person i was with would make me feel like shit abt my pcos, tell me to lose w3ight, etc. but he's not doing ANYTHING to work on himself while he's in prison (he got in a car accident & someone died, no it wasn't drunk driving but still u should have some kind of remorse!) all he ever did when we dated (so i assume he did the same stuff to his other exes & his ex-wife) was complain about how i look/talk & all this other stuff even when i was really small, cheated & lied about it or tried to justify it (& then got mad when i finally did it back lol). his ex-wife was 16 when they got married but at the time i was like "maybe it's not that weird since he was 18 or 19" (can't remember). but then ig he thought he had nothing left to lose since he was in prison & he outright admitted to me to being an actual ped0? as in looking up çp & saving FOLDERS of it on his phone?? i do NOT understand what the fuck made me think that pos was the guy i wanna be with bc holy shit im disgusted
so now im back with the guy that i really love & should never have left for that asshole just bc he's objectively hotter (but also like…not anymore, once u find that out about a person they become ugly instantly)
this guy actually deserves the best version of me, especially bc he'll never ask. he's never brought up my w3ight, never said he wants me to be skinni3r, in fact that's not even his type & he still dated me when i was really sk1nny (& also when i was way bigger than i am now). that is a person who deserves me being my best. which means happy & secure in myself & mentally stable
tbh even though everyone thinks that this is a disease & means ur unstable i actually was the best when i was actively in it. i could hold a full-time job, go to school full-time, do sports/workout every day, eat healthy when i did eat, be nice to people...it's only ever made my life better. & i wanna give my all to the guy who always loved me (im serious literally the first time he ever said he loved me which was like 11 years ago he just said it the same way u would say "the sky is blue" or "im going to work," he didn't make a whole dramatic show of it bc he was secretly trying to manipulate me like everyone else has). & both of the times we've gotten back together he literally said he was still in love with me & couldn't move on. this time he just straight up asked me to get back together, he said that he had been trying to find someone like me & there wasn't any
so let's do the math: should i lose w3ight & better myself for someone like that? or for someone who literally wants someone skinny bc he can't admit publicly that he would rather be with an actual ch1ld?? yeah i think we know who the real winner is here
& again i literally am a better person when i do that. idk why i ever tried to get "better" (well actually i do, it's because everyone else was like "that isn't safe that's bad!" newsflash buddy: so is me having heart disease & being overw3ight)
also i never severely r3str1ct3d. like ik medically 1200 is considered "extreme" but i never went below 800. as someone who has heart disease & pcos & a slow metabolism it's always been better for me to 3at l3ss. & im genuinely happier, i don't feel sick, i don't have heart palpitations, & im a nice person instead of a mean insecure bitch