I’ve recently joined group therapy with people that had experienced Narcissistic Abuse and I’m honestly feeling so good just because of that. It’s devastating to realize and accept the truth of what happened, of what my ex truly is and what he’s done to me and is doing to his new Supply but on the other hand I feel so happy because now I know that everything, every little silly thing I felt has a name, it’s valid and is a consequence/part of the abuse. My mental illness is a result of 13 years of mental and emotional abuse and the self hatred I’ve always felt whenever he neglected me while doing so much for others, the doubt, the shame, the guilt is all part of the abuse and its aftermath, it all makes sense, is real, and is disgusting. I must admit, I cried at some point because I felt bad for him, he has a legit personality disorder and chances are, he’s not fully aware of it, which is common for narcissists, and I keep wondering why did he turn out like this. Were his parents so in love with each other that they neglected him? Did they made him part of their relationship to the point he started searching for the same thing he thinks they have? Did he felt like he had to compete with his parents to get the other’s affection and attention? Is his father a narcissist himself? His mother? Both? Are they even the reason? Was he abused somehow? I have pictures of my ex when he was a child, he was lovely and I can’t believe he’s the monster I now know, I can’t believe that little happy child with those amazing stormy sky eyes destroyed my life with a smug face and no guilt. I saw the red flags 10 years ago, after what I can call the “First Discard” and yet I stayed, because he told me it was my fault, because I loved him more than anything, so much that I still took him back after three years of him taunting me with his relationship, thing he's doing again, more than before. His behaviour, his body language and even his words are all textbook narcissistic traits, I can’t wrap my head around it! Even what I’m going through, the PTSD with the flashbacks, the nightmares, the insomnia, the panic attacks, the feeling of addiction and the suicidal thoughts are all written down, is common, is normal and just by knowing it I’m one step closer to healing. My experience is valid, is true, I’m not insane, there’s hope for me and an actual path to follow, I feel so relieved.
