Hi step mom,
I’m writing this because I appreciate that you’ve tried to reach out over the last few months and understand that the negative behavior of my father does not reflect upon who you are. I believe that I owe you an explanation based on the positive relationship and impact you’ve had in my life over the last few years.
After talking to a therapist, I decided to pay more attention to the behavior I was seeing and not the excuses I was hearing. When I did this, I noticed a few things:
My dad is physically violent, in the last five years - while I was a grown adult - he has:
- thrown your dog around the house multiple times, I’ve seen him throw that dog into walls, across the yard, and pick him up by the neck several times.
- Dragged me down the stairs by my hair
- Screamed at my while getting into my face and pushed me
- Almost swung on my sister and was stopped by my grandma
He uses lies, manipulation and triangulation to control those around him:
- he complains to you about me, my sister and my grandma and he complains to me, my sister and my grandma about you
- He compares me and my sister a lot to get us to fight for his approval to our face and to each other
- He tells us that the reason we don’t have a relationship with him is because you’re always around and too clingy but when we ask him to set boundaries with you, he says he’s tried and you won’t listen. But he still doesn’t make more of a personal effort to see us on his own, it’s always YOU making plans with ME.
- There is never accountability for bad behavior, if something bad happens in his life it is ALWAYS someone else’s fault.
He uses the financial assets and shortcomings of those around him to control and intimidate them:
- He did this with my mother, me and my sister… we all display a lot of impulsive behavior as a result of our ADHD, and instead of being helpful and coming up with suggestions and strategies that might redirect us to better behavior, and I’ve watched him on multiple occasions belittle us. For reckless spending, for overeating, for talking loudly, for being emotional, for struggling to start or complete tasks, the list goes on…
- he kept telling me he was my landlord and I should go to him first until the summer before I moved out (my grandma doesn’t like confrontation and I’m not the best communicator. Sounds like a recipe for him not being held accountable for leaving behind a house with a lot of failed construction experiments and a bunch of stuff left behind because he was not able to move like a grown adult and left his shit everywhere.) he also speaks about the house that Alex lives in as if it’s already his instead of grandmas, I believe it’s to control how she speaks to him so that he can feel like he has power.
- Putting out random tools that my sister had spent hours and days organizing into the street instead of actually cleaning up the solar equipment (the only thing she asked him to do at the house besides getting rid of the stuff in the storage unit) and just telling her to recycle it
He says mean things in degrading and belittling ways.
- he cut you off and asks you questions loudly like “do you understand me, do you understand?!”
- The amount of times he has called me, or my mother, fat or unhealthy is more than I can count on my fingers
- The amount of times I have heard him say “you’re not listening” when you don’t agree with him
- I haven’t heard him say sorry or take accountability for bad behavior for as long as I can remember, he just changes the subject, deflects or shifts blame
There are just the behaviors I can remember while writing this. And I personally believe many of the behaviors listed are not healthy and many others are abusive, and will no longer tolerate them in my life. Which is why I am refusing to have a relationship with my father unless he apologizes and takes accountability for his behavior. This is what I’ve asked of him, and he has yet to respect my boundaries.
Although I do feel for you, and I’m sorry, I cannot be a support system in your life especially know limited people in the US…. But I am unwilling to have the same type of relationship with you that I have had previously if I am currently no contact with my father.
I also do not appreciate you blaming poor behavior on me to my sister. I have taken accountability for my behavior with my sister by acknowledging my part in the labor that was left behind to her, thanking her for the work she’s done on my behalf, supporting her with the puppies while I was there, helping pay for the storage unit for four months through supporting her private bills, and communicating with her often about what I had left behind and what I had and had not contributed to the household. when she tried to get you all to take the same kind of accountability, me and my ex boyfriend were blamed. That is not OK.
When you all left me and my ex boyfriend were under the assumption that you might move back at some point, we even had discussions about the fact that we would need more than a month or two notice if you all needed to move back. that is the only reason any sane person would agree to watch over that amount of stuff. I never agreed to keep and/OR discard everything you left behind. I said I would try to organize the shed and keep up with the garden, both of which proved to be impossible tasks, because there were way too many species of plants crammed into a small space and like everything that is exclusively my fathers the shed was VERY messy. I had to actively video chat him every time he wanted to find something in that shed to give to one of his solar buddies, so for you all to insinuate that you left behind an organized home is ridiculous. I appreciate that you cleaned the house before you left, but you did not leave the backyard organized and that is mainly what my sister had to deal with for months.
You also did not move out on time. I know this because me and my ex boyfriend had many fights about it, especially because I refused to be more firm with you all by confronting you and asking you to take accountability for your behavior. In fact, there was many times where you all were very inconsiderate where my ex boyfriend begged me to say something to acknowledge the bad behavior. Additionally, we had his mom coming to stay with us for almost a month and I had to cram a bunch of house work before we moved in into weekdays where I blew off or took off work. It caused a lot of long nights and a lot of fights in which you guys were brought up a lot. so I will absolutely not be gaslighted into believing that didn’t happen.
There is always an excuse for bad behavior. Personally, I’m done accepting them.
I actually decided to stand up to my dad sometime in fall last year when I came to visit at your house and see my cat and saw how much you were walking on eggshells to make sure he felt fine. He came home with a stank attitude and took it out on you. And you seemed really nervous that he was in a bad mood. And I remembered feeling that way. Previously, when I complained to my therapist about some of your behavior, he told me to have some empathy because you were experiencing a negative and violent partner as well.
The only reason I have not come and tried to take my cat personally after my dad STOLE him is because I am glad that you are around to take care of him and give him love. I believe that you are a great pet owner with a lot of love in your heart. However, I am really angry about all the money I spent in the last year and a half of taking care of him just to have him taken without talking to me at all. I texted both of you asking about my cat several times and not once did you reply and say that you wanted to DISCUSS with me you keeping him. You wanted to get me in person so you could TELL me you were keeping him (without my consent) which is not a healthy behavior. Additionally, I have a ton of food and litter I can no longer use that I paid for ahead of time knowing I should budget for my cat before I moved out here and had to live on a tighter budget… so from the month of September to March I had pre budgeted and paid for the cat’s plane ticket, vet, food, and litter. That’s probably $1000 alone. Let alone the vet bills, carriers, and toys and other things I’ve gotten him the last year and a half.
You should read up on narcissistic behavior, triangulation, and flying monkeys. I think you’ll recognize a lot of behaviors that my dad has encouraged you to participate in, and probably some of the men in your life that you’ve alluded to when speaking to me about your life in the past. I wish you all the best and a lot of healing ❤️🩹 and I truly do appreciate all the ways in which you have showed up for me as a stepmom over the last few years whether it be helping watch my animals, being a listening ear for me, teaching me about your culture and introducing me to your kids, expanding my mind about spirituality and religion, supporting my ADHD diagnosis when NO ONE else in the my family did 💕, letting me use your car when I needed it and letting it go when I made small mistakes, and helping keep the house I lived in as clean and safe and livable as you could while I was in college.