Salvation
22nd day of the Scion, 1327 AE
Fifteen days.. Fifteen days have passed since the attack on the caravan, yet I am barely able to recall much after the second. That was the last time I saw either Kagen or Rheina. Until today.
It's going to be okay...
I thought I was dead. My surroundings changed so frequently, the faces so unfamiliar, so different, yet so similar. Colours. I can recall colors, and a few names. They seem to be the only facts I can readily recall. Everything else is drowned in--
Drown or starve...
I cannot even write it. I thought perhaps I could, that I may be able to pen some of the concerns, the visions that haunt me. But my hand seems to have a mind of its own. Perhaps it is my subconscious, denying the truth. That to set the words in ink would mean that it happened, that it was real. It all seems to be a dream. A terrible nightmare.
It's going to be okay...
And still.. I catch myself wondering if I am not falling for some trick. That I am being lured into a false sense of security. Could he have dug so deep? Could he truly have pulled all these faces from my memories? Would he be able to fabricate such a vivid illusion to make me believe I was safe? Do I even dare to have hope, if it is just to be ripped from me when he loses interest? What if he is goading me to recall a memory during one of these encounters with my comrades? What if he is fishing for information? I cannot speak openly with them. With any of them. How will I ever know what is false, and what is true?
Drown or starve...
I am eating. I have been eating. And drinking. I have never known food to be so succulent, for water to taste so delicious. I will never take either for granted again - cannot take either for granted. My strength is returning; my vision is returning to my right eye. The focus is still impaired, but I can make out shapes and basic objects at the very least. My legs still burn, my body aches. I grow restless, but the prospect of ending my bedrest.. Will I be able to walk?
It's going to be okay...
Everything is in disarray. My belongings are scattered. My revolver was taken, my weapon belt and MMT with it. My rapier.. I dropped that at the scene of the ambush. My boots, my coins, my pendant.. My mother's pendant. The noxic one took it. Wrapped it up and sent it away. But where.. I am lost without focus..
Drown or starve...
I had visitors today. Aellarian rests beside me, and earlier I spoke with Navenki, Rheina, Calley, and Kagen. Each brought me a gift. Aellarian, a book and another box of chocolates. He was concerned, as I knew he would be. I want to tell him, to confide in him. But something stays my tongue. Navenki crafted a beautiful silver charm bracelet, one I will wear with affection. Later, she delivered a tonic, and presumabely a curious little tree planted in a mug. She had been so worried, to the point of tears. I had not realized I had made such an impression. I hope to speak with her again. Rheina visited only briefly, running off to fetch something, but did not return. I imagine she was intercepted with captaincy duties. Calley delivered a parcel from an unexpected friend. A mask, poisoned dagger, and three breakable spheres filled with various forms of smoke. I certainly appreciate the sentiment, and will keep the dagger close at hand. And Kagen..he brought me supper, and a barrel to my head.
It's going to be okay…
Of course.. Who is to say that any of them are truly who they say they are?
Drown. Or starve. Where is my salvation?
<An excerpt from the journal of Evelynn Decipio>