Yet. Perhaps I have been wrong. Perhaps I interpreted the crone's vague words incorrectly, and over-analyzed. What a surprise it was to me that the Eight Chalices, that card that represented everything that I was, and the foundation of everything that I would be... That that card, of all those available in the deck, should be drawn to represent my Past. When that wraith of a witch flipped that card and spoke its name, there was no doubt. She has insight, or potential. At her core, at the very least. But she requires refinement. She yet interprets with her conscious self and listens to the words that are spoken rather than those that are not. She misinterpreted my response as that of a sceptic. Granted...perhaps that is better for present position.
Still. As the Lord and I spoke, she drew my cards. A simple spread. A three plus one. Past. Present. Future. And a fourth to give insight as to how to overcome the issue of the present and move forward along a more desirable, intended future.
My Past - Eight Chalices. "The need for more substance in life, the desire to move on. Need for satisfaction, be it in love or work," she had spoken through the darkness.
My Present - Five Chalices. "Disappointment, disillusionment with intimate relationships. Pessimism, desire to move on."
My Future - Four Swords. "Need for introspection. To escape and heal. Regain balance."
Yet, her reading was brief and lacking - only a superficial overview of what the cards truly represent. They are so much more than this.
Eight of Chalices represents change and transition, sadness and solitude. The fact that this card appeared in the past position speaks of the troubling tales that haunted my childhood and adolescence, shaping me as I am. With the cloaked figure turning their back, it points to a past of escaping and abandoning situations and conflict rather than confronting them. It speaks of surviving by letting go. Protecting the core by wrapping the core in protective darkness such that none could enter.
It is all-encompassing of what the old crone read. It is the foundation of my youth and the direction my life lead. But it is more than simply the past; it is the contributing source of my current situation. When it appears, it suggests that we believe we knew what would bring happiness but fail to obtain it. It is a lesson of impermanence. It is the realisation that something is missing.
And O, how I have dwelt upon that question these past weeks. "For what do I live?" That missing component: purpose. Life is slipping by and what have I to show for it? When shall I experience fulfilment? Shall I ever? There are areas in my life I have not explored, not permitted myself to explore. Not truly. I very nearly did one year past, but as the card suggested...it was abandoned. Yet this time? It is because of this conflict of existential meaning that I am in this position. I do not doubt that the Eight Chalices brought me here.
And where Eight was my Past, Five Chalices is my Present, and of the cards it is one of those most keenly tied to tragedy. The black cloak, grey sky, and spilled cups symbolize heartache. Loss. Sorrow, isolation, and mourning. And in the position of the present, it only confirms that which I already know. All of this, the entire situation, the confrontation with the Lord, the expulsion from the Shield and the Acquisitions as a whole...It all stems from him.
Had I followed my typical actions, the conflict would be resolved, the company would be unaffected, I would hold my position, and he would be safe. Granted...I would not have offered to martyr myself in the first place. But it was that question - posed by him, no less - that has me sorely in turmoil. Frustration, anger, despair, loss, uncertainty. Despite the efforts I employ to suppress, I feel all of it. And the dreams only continue to come, and his mind only continues to evade me. How I long for that connection once more.
I am forced to make a decision. On one hand, I swear the blood oath, be forgiven my slights, and serve the Lord. On the other, I am to remove myself, escape and run as ever I have and leave him to deliver the kiss of the grave to the two who wronged me in his eyes. The first would pit me against my companion. The second would leave me abandoning him to his fate. Both equally enveloped by this grievous reading.
Alternatively, I can attempt to do that which I do best, at the risk of being discovered and executed, and at the risk of earning my guardian's ire. How paradoxical, really. Finally he tells admits his love for me, and finally I believe I have reached a point where perhaps there is more than the day to day survival; that I wish to pursue true happiness. Yet I am in a position where regardless of the path I select, the decision I make...It shall likely be ripped from me. This is why I endeavour not to allow myself to invest...
When there are many other cards from the suit of Chalices around, love and other emotions are being manipulated. This can get old fast. If the suit of Swords is prominent in a reading that features the Eight of Chalices, a verbally dominant authority figure is taking the joy out of my life. Perhaps this refers to the President, or even Kagen or Khain. Though the most latter is hardly verbally dominant, nor an authority figure. And as there is another Chalice card in my reading, my emotional responses are at the core of my current situation. And it is. That is the least arguable fact...
And the Future, the Four of Swords. The symbolisms of the illustration are generally interpreted to indicate isolation beyond simply peaceful respite, but rather an internal isolation from all things close to oneself. And in the position of the future, it suggests that despite all the emotional warring I face presently and have consistently faced in the past...there is to be a time of peace approaching. But how, I cannot imagine. Perhaps if I elect to abandon and escape to Ebonhawke and the Lord is slain during his rampage. Or perhaps if I elect for the latter route and my efforts prove fruitful.
Or perhaps if the body is slain and the mind yet escapes...would I be at peace in that artefact? That paradise for eternity? I wonder if there would be a way to exit, however, or if the mind would even linger there once the body is destroyed.
And of course there is the relationship between each of the cards. Considering the Four Swords are combined with two other cards of Chalices suggests that this time of relaxation shall follow a breakup of sorts except that I am not experiencing and relationship turmoil presently...well...I suppose that is arguable. Alternatively, a new level of peace and passion with the right partner. But with whom? Granted, still there are two cups standing in the Five Chalices of the Present. Thus in addition to a symbol of optimism, perhaps it suggests a fork between two individuals.
Of course, many may consider it presumptuous to turn immediately to love and relationships with this interpretation...And I would have been inclined to agree were it not for the fourth and final card. The Lovers.
"Renewed awareness, of passionate love. The unity of masculine and feminine within oneself," the wraith woman had said.
It all ties together. Love, the readiness and preparation to move forward, decisions to be made, and potential happiness or tragedy depending on that decision. what do you live for? Perhaps it is to find love. To find that one individual with whom I can be exposed without fear of judgment or repercussion. Without worry that my trust will be given and taken for granted, and manipulated for my destruction. But it is all so near, transpiring in the present. Am I prepared for this? And what if I make the wrong decision? Am I supposed to follow emotion, or am I supposed to continue as I generally do? Such is the limitation of the cards, and unfortunately, there is no method to determine absolutely the correct interpretation.
That is for me to determine. And me alone.
