i’m having a lot of dysphoric Issues right now so here’s feelings about transmasc stevebucky:
steve begged before getting the serum to get a double mastectomy. his chest was small enough they could do it and not risk blood problems, and by the time they put him into the chamber to give him the serum he was stitched up and healed enough it wouldn’t cause a problem
it made the scarring stretch but it healed it as it broke the skin, knitting itself together even as it tore apart, and after he stepped out (shaking and nauseous), the first thing he did was feel over the heat of the redness on his chest, stomach fluttering that they were finally gone after years of trying to use bandages and ending up only with asthma attacks and sickness
bucky got his name from the shitty, dog-eared edition of buck rogers that steve kept under his bed, when steve smirked at him and said “it’s like we’re related”, and he figured that, christ, if he had to share a name with a us president then at least he could make it less cliche (and, maybe, maybe part of it was the idea of being tied to steve by name. he didn’t say that aloud)
his ma wasn’t impressed, only called him james, but that was better than what she used to call him, and besides, steve’s voice was enough to soothe the trembles in his gut thinking about being seen as a dame, as a girl, as something he could (and would) never be
steve came home with bloodied knuckles and a fractured rib at eighteen, sarah at her sickest and bandages cutting into his chest like knives, struggling even to breathe, and when bucky saw him he knew it was derek roberts, the asswipe down the street who always used to call steve a fairy when they were in school
he doesn’t tell him off. it’s pointless, anyway, steve’s injuries are punishment enough, and he’s shaking with anxiety at the idea of being found out, and when bucky sits him down and patches up his fingers he says “you’re a good man, stevie” he ignores the way tears roll down his cheeks
bucky liked makeup, liked the feeling of lipstick and the way rouge felt on his cheeks, but he hated bein seen as a dame, and because of that he only ever wore it around sarah and steve, who never laughed at him or told him he was wrong or filthy or bad, sarah taught him how to put it on right and how to look pretty, and steve smirked at him and called him pretty but it wasn’t mocking, and he tried to ignore the way his stomach clenched at it
(steve finding him beautiful was always - it meant a lot, even if he tried to push it aside, down, because not only did bucky barnes have to be a goddamn man now he had to be queer too?)
the first time steve kisses him is the first time he finds him shaking in the bathroom with hairdressing scissors in his hands, and at first it felt like steve was laughing at him but then it felt golden and light and hopeful and good, and fuck, he was fine bein’ queer if it meant he’d get this forever
