why run when it gets hard?
disclaimer: talking to self.
I had to face this question head on these few weeks. Like all of my relationships- there would come a time when things gets tough, when I come to the junction of going on or giving up- and just giving up looked very, very tempting.
After all, many runners get injured. They rest and then come back stronger, right?
I don't know if I can though. I am scared that if I stop running, I will end up losing myself again. But that brings me back to who I really am? Why do I call myself a runner when I can't even finish a race in good time like everyone else? There are so many people out there who call themselves "slow" but they're still able to finish a marathon. Like everything else in life, we are achievement-oriented and we would like to see results from our hard work. If we put effort into something, we'd like to get rewarded for it. When we fail, we needed to work harder, become stronger, get the reward. Then we chase the next thing.
But like all of my romantic relationships- my love and relationship for running is proving to be one-sided. Running doesn't love me back, running demands that I put more effort into it but while my mind keep telling my body to, my body and my legs just can't reciprocate. Whilst it's bad to compare, I noticed that many of the fast runners did not come from a sedentary lifestyle as I led before. So I had so much more hard work to put in. Also with my life in general- I have always been behind someone else, always never near the top, always the late-bloomer and somehow, always never good enough. Running used to make me feel like I am okay- that I do enjoy the motion. And then it stresses me. Stresses me because I don't have the runner's physique, that I don't finish in good time, that I still can't call myself a runner, that I get sniggers of disapproval and the feeling like I am never good enough. Then I realized that again, I have given much power to what others think. Sure, I am slow- but I started at a slower pace than everyone else. I am trying to undo what many years of neglect, of hurting myself have done. My journey is not the same as every other person's, I have to keep at it and I must STOP wanting a reward for my efforts. Life doesn't work that way, (my) relationships never work that way. I can only give the whole of myself to something and never expect anything in return. I can only slowly improve and try to balance everything else in life accordingly.
So why do I still run?
Because I want to keep at it. I am not the person who will ace this the first time around, but I AM the person who will try and try again.
It's time to prove to myself, first and foremost- that I AM enough.