#needed to rant ig

[allvmin-moved]

i honestly feel like i'm making gifs for no reason at the minute. i spent so long on avisynth, topaz and photoshop to make them and i'm lucky if i get at least 10 notes. i know i'm just complaining, but i really feel like it wouldn't matter if i uploaded or not because nobody likes what i post. so idk what i'm gonna do with this account honestly, but it's just getting me down :(

[c4ttyp1p5]

05/05/22 - My Thoughts

Just me typing my feelings whilst I weep lol Not very well structure or written, be warned if you read this

I never planned on making it this far.

If things had gone as id expected, I wouldn’t be alive today. I would’ve left during 2019, before exams had even taken place, before I turned 16.

The issue is that I’ve never planned on living a full life

The concept of living into old age has never peaked my interest, with the idea of living as my body decays seeming rather unappealing to me.

I’ve never intended on living until I died  of natural causes, planning initially to pass away of my own volition at the time I saw fit.

The issue I currently face is my lack of motivation to continue onwards.

Throughout my life, I’ve never had a strong connection to being alive, no true fear of death. But my fear of pain has stopped me from attempting many a time as I despise the idea of being stuck in pain / paralysed but still alive. My absolute worst nightmare.

The only other thing keeping me here is my close ones, aka a few family members and friends, as I don’t want to impact their lives.

But I find my brain becoming more and more selfish as the days pass, prioritizing my pain of theirs.

There has yet to be a day where I felt genuinely happy for the entirety of it. There hasn’t, however, been a day where I haven’t thought about ending it all.

The issue with being suicidal is that you don’t take life seriously as you know you're ‘not sticking around for too much longer’, meaning that project that takes up a large percentage of your grade isn’t as significant to you as it is to your peers who actually see themselves alive in the upcoming academic year, alive to receive their results come end of year.

To you, the project is a momentary stress-inducer which you would rather not complete today, or ever, and you therefore cast it aside. Others may believe that you are just ‘relaxed’ about your academics, when in reality you are ‘relaxed’ due to the grades not mattering as you wont have a future for them to affect.

As someone who planned on dying before she turned 16, still being alive at almost 18 is mental. Having to prepare for exams that I never intended on sitting in the first place, applying for universities I never thought I’d be attending.

And what makes it worse is even if I don’t commit, my future will still remain shite as I haven’t put enough effort in to warrant a successful life. My motivations are gone and yet, I still feel as though I should try just in case. ‘you never know!’ ‘you might want to stay’ ‘maybe you’ll regret it!’

But its too late, you’ve committed to the idea now, you’ve ruined your future prospects, you’ve isolated yourself from your only friends, you’ve allowed yourself to become a shell of a human, to rot away in bed all day doing nothing, not even mindless scrolling, not even procrastinating, unless of course you count it as suicide procrastination. Others your age, ones who were once your closest friends, are spreading their wings, exploring and experiencing new things, making new memories, forming new bonds, whilst you cut the only ties you’ve ever had.

A group of 5 friends expands, but that original 5 has turned to a 4. But with the mass amount of new, exiting people, its as though she never existed. Or maybe she did, but wasn’t as fun or interesting as the new bunch. Who knows? Maybe she was never even that interesting in the first place…

I hate that I've gotten to this point. The point where its either kill yourself or live a life of disappointment, not only your own disappointment but the disappointment of others. I will have to watch those who I grew up with, aspired alongside, achieve amazing things whilst I continue in my swamp of self-pity and embarrassment, wishing I could’ve only gotten over this shite and actually tried for one in my life.

There's a reason I’m waiting till after exams to do it.

I cant stand the idea of ruining their lives. Imagine I end my life, affecting theirs in the process, causing them to ruin theirs as a result. I could never forgive myself for that. The upcoming exams are crucial in them achieving their dreams of going to university, of reaching their desired careers and I wouldn’t want my selfish act to ruin those aspirations.

That’s also why I've isolated myself.

The further away I am from them, the less it’ll hurt when I'm gone forever.

When they attend university, make new mates, they wont have to think about me. Even now, they have so many amazing and interesting people around them that my presence isn’t important for them. I could probably end it all right now and they wouldn’t notice until they were explicitly notified of my death.

I feel like shit, but its so they don’t feel like shit later.

Although maybe they wouldn’t have felt like shit anyways. Maybe I was always a replaceable insignificant presence in their lives. Maybe they’ve patiently waited until the moment I left them alone to live their best lives. Was I always a burden? I wouldn’t blame them for viewing me as such.

I would probably view me as such If I were them too.

As the most awkward, insecure, dependant, boring person to ever be present in their lives, I'm sure they would’ve given anything to bin me off sooner. I bet they’re grateful I've left them be, allowing them to roam without the shackles of me holding them back. I'm sure during their mid-uni-meet-ups that they’ll reminisce on all the happy memories made in year 13, forgetting that I was even present in school.

It was strange hearing K’s voice today. I was in the stall of the loos stressing over God knows what when I suddenly heard her voice. Although I’d spoken to her during a dance lesson this year, its strange how distant she seemed. As though we’d never even been friends. Her voice recognisable as ever but inaccessible to me. Hearing her chat to a voice I couldn’t recognise reminded me of how things had shifted. Last year, we probably would’ve had a conversation just as mundane, discussing how our phones burned up due to data usage. Hardly an interesting topic, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t envy whoever she was speaking too, missing those boring but weirdly interesting casual conversations with a mate. I forget what speaking to mates outside of lessons feels like.

C feels like the only friend I have left, but I know I need to start disengaging with her soon. She is the type who would struggle the most with this so it would be selfish of my to continue interacting with her as I am currently. Honestly, she's the one who I feel the most guilt about surrounding my future plans. When she found out I self harmed in year 8, she was HORRIFIED, and she's always been so kind to me. I cannot bare to hurt her, or any of them, but I know seeing her lose a mate would absolutely break me.

My parents are my biggest concern. I feel horrible leaving them all alone. Their ‘miracle baby’, their one shot of raising a child and yet she gave up before she even got a chance to experience adulthood. I am distraught by the idea of leaving them but at the same time, I don’t want to be burdensome. If i stay but am a failure, my presence will be a constant reminder of how much waisted potential I had. How I ruined my future prospects by being a little dickhead who hates herself and fails to find the positive in life. The thought of their sadness once I go brings me to tears every time without fail, I cannot bare to even think about it for a second, it drives me insane. If it wasn’t for the , I would've left a long time ago.

Sadly, my plan still involves me sitting my exams, so I need to prepare for them, and my parents will literally despise me if i don't complete my coursework. Thus, I must at least try for them. I would hate for their last impression of me to be that I’m a complete and utter failure (even if my achievements mean nothing as im literally dead haha.)

That's all for now, I'm too exhausted to continue :)