—[☸]—I've given up on trying to stay awake; I can't be afraid of everything anymore. I'm going to face my dreams and learn what I can. Maybe I'll finally understand what my life means. I'll try my best to keep pressing forward. I'll try to remember what I've learned about the worlds.
There's something to find in every one, as far as I know.
Second worlds exist beyond the first ones. They also have effects.
Time passes oddly. Sometimes Poniko can tell I've been gone a long time, and other times not.
The same dream worlds always connect to each other, though the connections don't seem to have a discernible physical layout.
Other people can access the dreams; they can mesh with the dream worlds of others.
That's all I remember for now. I hope my friends remember me; I can't say I've been a very good friend myself. I hope they can recognize me... My hair is starting to thin and fall out. It doesn't show as badly in braids. Maybe the braiding keeps some of the hair from having the chance to come out? I find them all over my carpet when I clean; I've been avoiding brushing it because it comes out in handfuls if I do. The skin of my hands looks almost translucent, and it must mean I don't look well. I can see my veins clearly. They're green, though I read that they're supposed to look blue. I hope I don't look too unpleasant. I must try to smile more.
I don't like to look at myself. My clothes are starting to hang more loosely than they used to; if I didn't know better I'd think my favorite sweater has grown two sizes. It doesn't make me feel any better. My body still makes me feel sick. I wish I hadn't developed so early... I wish I hadn't developed at all. I wish I was flat and smooth and harmless like I was when I was little. I wish I wasn't so gross.
I wish I could squash and mold myself like a gum eraser. I wish I could shrink and scatter and hide like a nest of mice. Instead, I'm curved and lumpy and disgusting, like a fat toad. I feel like there's no reason for me to be here. I'm not smart enough or pretty enough or virtuous enough to accomplish anything at all. All I can do is dream, and I fail at that, too.
I feel sick again. I'm going to go to sleep— as though I ever did anything else.