#depression tw

[epi-rants]

So sad. Food isn’t even appetizing anymore. I feel nauseous and exhausted…

[inspirehellfire]

Today I learned that realizing you have no one to call anymore when it's really bad makes 'really bad' worse.

Joy

[freddyfczbear]

I'LL HOLD YOU FAZFACE

Freddy, with one side of his face against Baby’s shoulder, tears streaming down his face: I CAN’T DO THINGS RIGHT ANYMORE! I KEEP SCREWING UP SONGS, AND I CANNOT DO THAT!! I’M SO TIRED!!! AS SOON AS I POWER ON IN THE MORNING, I KNOW I’LL BE AN ANXIOUS MESS BY NOON. I HAVE TO BE THE CHEERY, HAPPY BEAR THAT THE KIDS LOVE SIX DAYS A WEEK, BUT EVERYTHING FEELS SO CRUSHING-

Proceeds to just crumble for a while

@1scream

[zalgladiate]

little self oriented vent under the cut.

i keep finding myself getting really bad again, and wondering if it was a good idea to get myself reliant on medication when i knew for a fact at some point i'd have to go without it for a long period of time. if it was around my "family" i wouldn't feel so gross and shaky about letting myself be evil and mean to people around me, because almost 100% of my "family" already is to each other anyway. i find myself wondering a lot if it may have been easier to let myself die back in my old home, at the very least i could delude myself into believing a little longer that i had someplace safe and where i didn't always feel evil and bad and know it's just my head hating me constantly.

but i'm with one of my partners, two of my old friends, and one new friend who i think would disintegrate if i called her the sister i always wanted. i feel fucking horrible almost all of the time and asking for reassurance feels like i'm begging, and asking for logic feels like i can't find the obvious answers on my own. it makes me feel like i'm fucking crazy.

which, considering i have a clinical diagnosis of psychosis, a peer review of BPD from three other BPD havers, CPTSD that required a known war vet therapist prior to my eviction + move, AuDHD bad enough that i repeat my excitements and literally don't remember when i said them the first time let alone that i've said them 3-6 times by now. not to mention the diagnosed moderate - severe nerve damage, chronic migraines, mild - moderate anemia, and likely some other biological problems from the fact that i realized too late that my mother was literally poisoning me in her attempt to "help".

i feel shitty. i feel manipulative. i feel two skips away from abusive, some days. i feel like i'm not a good friend. and i feel like asking for reassurance that i'm not would be detrimental to myself either way, because i wouldn't believe the reassurance but i would weaponize the honesty i believe i've earned. with the constant delays of the government about my potential disability at this fucking point, i feel worse and worse about not being able to engage in a helpful productive way with the people who i know are here for me.

i feel like it'd be easier if i could find a small space and keep myself there. i feel like it'd be kinder for everyone if i could stop fucking talking. no matter what i do, i end up hurting someone lately. confusing them upsetting them, making them feel stupid, SOMETHING. this is awful. i hate when i get to this point. i hate when this happens. i don't want to lose any more friends because i wasn't fucking good enough at reading a room or catching onto lies or SOMETHING. anything, at this point. i'm literally like getting choked up as i type this because i didn't realize how much i was ignoring until i starting talking. i didn't realize how badly i was viewing myself until now.

and honestly, from the events recently, i think it's warranted.

i think i deserve to be mean to myself. just a little. at this rate.

ps: even just posting this made me feel worse considering the upsetness i put my roommates through AGAIN today, and i keep digging myself deeper.

[mentalhealthbabyyy]

If it weren’t for antidepressants I would probably be dead. I just wish my ADHD brain wasn’t so forgetful (bc yes, I can forget my meds lol). Being AUDHD is such a humbling experience, sometimes I feel like I’m a bad imitation of an adult and that I was never meant to reach this age.

[circuitboardskin]

Terry status today: woke up on the floor but pretty sure he was in a bed the night before. Laying there seems better than getting up for now which has the klaxons going off in his head where there's still enough energy to care.

[fatesurvived]

I’ve been struggling mentally lately, hence why I haven’t been around. I don’t want to post it all over the dash and spread my bad mood. I’m making an appointment to get better SSRI’s on Wednesday but it’ll probably be a bit until I can bring myself to write. I’ll be around for plotting/chatting (minimally) ooc until then.

[vndlclb]

I'm gonna get kinda heavy for a minute, so I'll put things under a cut, but please check tags before you read on.

I've been kinda going through it since may, so having jay come back right now means so much to me. We found out in may that my step-dad who was my abuser for much of my teens and early adulthood passed away. I had some very complicated feelings around his passing and to be honest I still do. This wasn't helped by being left out of his obituary.

Then in June we had not only the anniversary of a flood in our area that my mom had been trapped in, but the two year anniversary of my pappy's passing from lung cancer which this year coincided with father's day. So that didn't help.

Having one of my biggest comfort wrestlers return after over a year during a time when my depression has really been weighing me down means so much.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.