#negative stuff

[kitramune]

I don't normally post super personal stuff but I want to apologize if I'm not myself for a while. My house rabbit, Thurberi, died in my arms this morning and I couldn't help him. I couldn't save my family, and it's understandably brought up some bad feelings I've struggled with. This isn't a call for sympathy or anything, just... I want to let people know so I don't accidentally hurt any feelings. My mother's been in the hospital and now this and I'm having a major fml moment to put it lightly.

[franciium]

A person I had to make a phone call to sounded very irritated and annoyed with me, sounding like they were barely restraining the urge to hang up on me there and then, or perhaps snap at me.

Part of me wanted to hang up, but it was a very important phone call so I couldn’t.

On one hand, it really put a damper on my mood for the entire work day. It really left me feeling less self-assured and more anxious like I’m annoying everyone with my presence.

On the other hand, maybe this person had to deal with a lot of irritating assholes before I came along. So I can’t blame them for them for anticipating that I would give them the same treatment.

[muses-by-kai]

Sorry for the no responses. I have tried to keep my motivation in check... But all this anxiety has made it difficult.

This is our 5th lockdown, just 4 or so weeks after our 4th. Every time we go into a lockdown, I worry that it would just turn out like last year with another 110 day lockdown.

I shouldn't complain but man, I paid thousands of dollars to move to the big city only to do classes on Zoom

[kimabutch]

don’t reblog

Haha turns out that when most people see childhood photos of themselves or read things they wrote when they were kids, they *don’t* feel overwhelming shame and self-hatred and self-disgust like they did when they were a kid. Turns out it’s not normal to get sudden vivid waves of the exact negative emotions you had over a decade ago when you so much as look at a thing related to your childhood! Who woulda thought. Who woulda thought!!!

[sparkmender]

i have no where else to put these thoughts so they are going here

So like. I use the term bisexual, ‘cause I think that’s the best word we have currently in common parlance, but I am fucking *terrified of people*

I’m not asexual, not in the slightest, that’s not something I’ve ever had to question; no matter how much mom tried and still tries to kind of nudge me away from any semblance of intimate maturity or sexuality I am adamantly aware of what interests me and what I like in regards to my own body

It’s always the other people that’s the catch

I’ve been manipulated and taken advantage of several times, especially because I was too young to know any better, and the through line for all of these situations were (in most cases older) women trying to make me emotionally dependent on them— much in the same way my mom tries to keep me emotionally dependent, but these other women would add sex, servitude, other things into it

It was always about what I could do for them, what I meant to them, what I looked like and how I sounded, and I’m sure a certain portion of it was because of my intersex condition, because some of these women went on to chase trans people and other intersex people

Not all women are like this of course but the end result of this means I always feel safer around men or masculine presenting people or butch women

There’s so much stupid online discourse I can’t and won’t even try to keep up with about... pretty much everything to do with identity and labels and who can do what, and I don’t want anything to do with it, but I’m terrified that no matter what I do I’m already politicized just for being who I am and not being a dead medical specimen on a rack somewhere

Am I less of a bisexual because I find myself almost solely attracted to masculine presentation (regardless of gender identity) because I can’t handle having feminine attention directed at me? I am externally perceived as a women by others in most cases except for when I am not, and what does that mean for me and those I’d be interested in? What does it mean for my partner? What does any of this shit have to do with me???

[winters-cursed-king]

.

[ksclaw]

my biggest worry with current things, is how I might not be able to find an internship. I should be sending applications, but bitter experience keeps making my brain go "Why bother, they're gonna reject you anyway."

[tuntematonkorppi]

you know that chronically ill feeling where you had a good day the day before and you were like “oh tomorrow i should do this and this” and it’s not even big things it’s just that you haven’t had the time to do it that day so you just want to do it the next day, and you feel good about yourself and you think that maybe you won’t have a flare for a while.

and then the next day comes and you’re in a shitton of pain and all the good feels you had from the previous day just evaporate and it feels like you’re never gonna be able to achieve anything in your life?

yeah.