Gaaaahh!!
I'm. So. Torn.
On the one hand....
I love my wife and want her so badly. She's so friggin' sexy and has such an amazing body! I daydream daily about how nice it was when we had sex and made love on a regulgar basis. I've never demanded sex daily; even as newly weds our most consistent frequency was 2 or 3 times a week. As the kids started arriving and life got busier, we dropped back to once a week or 3 times every 2 weeks. Still plenty to keep me satisfied and feeling connected to her. I desperately miss both enjoying her amazing body and our souls connecting while our bodies connected in the heat of our passion.
On the other hand....
I'm full of rage, anger, and growing resent towards her for denying me the one, simple thing I feel a need for in our marriage. I know I'm not super attractive or in the best shape, but I still try hard in bed and always do my best to put her pleasure before mine. I love giving her backrubs and massages as part of foreplay. I love giving her oral sex whenever she lets me. I love doing things that I thought she liked. But not anymore. Every advance is shot down; month after month after month. And the frustration, both emotional and sexual, just builds inside of me. I try to tell myself that I don't want her anymore. I try to convince myself that she's not incredibly sexy and the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. But EVERYTIME I see her smile or catch sight of one of her yummy curves my body calls my brain a liar and ramps up into full turned-on mode. I may be able to lie to my brain, but not to my hormones and base instincts.
Euphoric love and brain scattering desire vs soul crushing anger and an overwhelming flood of pure, acidic resentment.
One moment my blood is running like hot fire through my veins because I'm so turned on and want her so badly. The rejection comes, a switch in my brain flips, and suddenly I'm hot with anger instead of passion, the fire of lust flowing through my veins is suddenly replaced with the poison of resentment.
It's an emotional rollercoaster ride from Hell. Every up and down gives me whiplash because it changes so quickly.
All I want is to get off of this rollercoaster and be able to enjoy my wife and the benefits of our marriage fully once again.
Please??