“Am I too late?” His breath fans warm over your lips as his hand roams woolly, yet unwavering along your upper arm. His forehead is pressed against yours as he inhales and exhales in soft steady puffs that warps the frenzied thrums of his heart.
You close your eyes, your face dabbled with tears. Tears he wrung out from you. Oak and caramel sails into your lungs, and your eyebrows plunge into a frown.
“You’ve been drinking again, Levi.” You can feel his thumb wiping off the fresh glistening beads from under your eyes. Feathery strokes that fill you with hope. “You promised–”
“It was only one I swear.” He muses. And all the hope falters. You gulp, feeling the temperature rise between the two. You breathe hard, trying to slam down the disappointment.
“One, four, ten, it makes no difference to me. One drop is enough to break the promise.” You sniff, swallowing the next wave of scathing tears.
Each word a stab in his chest. He knows he's ruined it. Again.
His chin trembles. A knot logs in his throat, but he unravels it and coaxes out his voice. “I swear I’ll do things different this time.”
Your teeth sink into your bottom lip, muffling down a snort. You've lost count of how many times he has prostituted those words.
Your body itches to grab your things and leave him drown on his own plight. You don’t want to watch as those murky trussing limbs crack from the floor and cinch around him to wrench him down. But your heart insists. No matter how many batters it’s received, it pricks to stay. To give him a hand and drag him out of the abyss. Because you know Levi is stronger than this. You have to move the boulder off the road. But you have to do it together.
“I want to believe you, Levi. I really do.” You sob and nuzzle your face into his palm, his warmth swaddles you, and makes you teeter on a tightrope. Those hands that have done and undone, that have wandered among your valleys and mountains, that have traced scars and have etched in their memory each one of your creases. “I don’t want to walk barefoot on the shards of your promises.”
“Look at me. Look at me.” He purrs, and little by little, the blurry edges of his image hone. His hand glides down to cradle your chin, his thumb brushing your cheek as he urges you to meet his red eyes.
The shield lowers and the boy you hardly recognize lays bare.
“What happened to us...?” You stagger. “We built a castle together. We were going to grow old to—"
“We are!” He snaps,voice hoarse and laced with thistles; and you jerk away, eyes wide and jittering. You hurl him off of you. Fear creeps in your face, crawls under your chest as your breathing steps on the gas pedal.
You just want to peel the hull and take back your Levi. Your sweet boy. Your honeybun. The one who blushes when he goes to the flower shop and buys daisies for you.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” His parted lips quiver. He shoves his fingers into his hair and clenches his hands as tears peek out at the corners of his eyes. He turns around to hide his reaction from you.
Because bad habits do not go away. Because the thing he loathes the most is to cry before you. To look weak in front of the person he vowed to protect. He tries so hard to hide his true feelings, to repress his emotions as if there were something wrong with reacting naturally to the blows of life.
He paces from side to side and the heat in his cheeks begins to wane. Dropping his arms, he closes his eyes and sucks in a deep breath. You watch silently, afraid that any sudden motion or sound would spark his rage again.
He takes a step toward you, and you loom back, shaking your head without breaking the eye contact. “Don’t you dare.” You rasp, and he stops in his tracks, showing his palms in sign of peace. “I know you’re angry, Levi, and hurt. You look like you're going to fall apart every time you see your reflection in the mirror. You even had the one at the entryway removed so you don't bump into your broken self every time you enter or leave the house. And no, you're not going to be the same, Levi, even if it pains us to accept it. You will no longer be able to fight or move with the same nimbleness. Walking or standing for long periods of time will be an ordeal. And yes, your face is frightfully scarred that children hide behind their parents' legs when they see you. But that's not what hurts the most.”
His nostrils flare, yet his gaze is lost. Finger nails digging into his palms, his fists trembling by his sides. He hangs by the thread that controls him, that keeps him from sharing anything, that keeps him still. That frays him from inside as he forces to keep his rage and pain tucked deep in his chest.
“You’re doing it again.”
Again, tears flood his eyes, but he doesn’t hide from you this time. You’re right. You’re right. You don’t deserve this bitter side of him. The shouting, the broken glasses. The cracks you've covered in the walls where his fists have retaliated. Patches of lighter color bedecks the walls of your place.
“I know it is a nightmare for you. But apparently your sorrow made you forget what we promised each other in the altar.” You tuck a lock of hair behind your ear, and a pang snags his breath. A collar of hot stones cinches around his neck. A big gulping sob racks through his body as the silver glow that seeps through the window skims the light spot on your ring finger. His legs yield and he drops on his knees, sinking his face into his palms. The sudden surge of pain on his thigh is encroached by the torturous twinges that splinter his heart.
It’s too late. I’m too late.
His wails break through the living room, scaring him with the unfamiliar cacophony of his agony.
His soaked in his saltiness, but who fucking cares. The edges of reality blur, his heart hammers trying to breach out. He chokes in gasps; there’s not enough air to fill his lungs. The tendons stand out like cords creeping on his neck, his muscles so tight they make him seem bulky. His fingers tingle with the lacking flow of blood. He's dizzy. His head throbs, light-headed from the sudden shock. No. No. No. No.
Seeing him crumbling down is destroying you. Tearing you in halves. Your eyes are soaked once more, witness of the downfall of his walls. Your stomach churns into a twisting gnarl that rips out your guts.
You crouch. Your embrace eases his shaking, yet tears don’t stop streaming down.
You’re still here. You’re real. Your arms are his refuge. As always. You feel like the sun breaking through the nipping winds of winter, caressing his face.
He clings to you, welding with you. His eyes close, and a silent choked sound spews from his mouth. He can’t let you go. And it stings his heart because all he’s been doing after the war is making you cry.
And then you pour those words his wrath threatened to rip away. “I’ll love you in all your forms...”
“...now and forever.” His words slink between his sobs.
You continue, your voice a silky veil that fondles him, that sweeps away his misery. “I promise to persevere when times get tough, knowing that any challenges we might face, we will conquer them together.”
“And no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find our way back to each other.” His last word sinks into a snivel.
“I promise to be there for your when you need me...”
“...wherever you need me.”
Those words are his shelter.
“Please don’t leave me.” He pleads. If he has to kneel and beg, he will.
“I won’t, Levi.”
You break apart from him by a sliver and your gaze tangles with his glassy eyes. Your hands rest on his face, your thumbs brushing off his tears as you seed a feathery kiss on his gray eye and pull away. You smile at him with that sweetness. Fuck, he doesn’t deserve you.
“I’ve been an asshole, Y/N.” He takes a long sniff and his hands clench to the hem of his shirt “I... I’m sorry.”
“You fought brave, my soldier boy, and I know it’s hard for you, but you don’t have to pretend, you don’t have to play the hero anymore. And that’s ok, that doesn’t pare your shine.” You kiss him on the lips. “You have people who love you for who you are. You have me. Me who loves you blindly. Who would take a bullet for you without a second thought.” Levi pounces into you and nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck.
“Forgive me. Please forgive me.” He stutters, his face.
“It’s ok. It’s ok." You lull him. "I forgive you.” Your hand laces with his locks. “But I need you to make a real effort." You pull away and look him in the eye, seeking for his truth. “Take your medicine, and don’t skip therapy. If you need to let off steam, I'm here, but don't use alcohol as a shield. Don't be a coward." He sucks on his bottom lip and nods "Don’t turn away from those who love you. You are not invincible. You need people, and they’re willing to help. And if you need to cry, my shoulder is all yours.”
You take him again in your arms and hum a soft tune for him, drawing circles on his back. He cries until his eyes can't shed more tears.
"Your band. Where is it? Why did you take it off?" His voice rushes with despair.
You bling twice, unwrap from him and splay your hand before you. Realization dawns. "I just took it off to knead bread."
And fear drains from him. A small smile flickers on his lips with relief.
"No, Levi." You search for his lips in a heartmelting kiss. "You're not too late."
Stroking his leg, he hissed through gritted teeth. Those painkillers prescribed by the doctor were not having any effect. The kettle had been shrilling for a few minutes. The insistent noise and the stabbing pain were driving him crazy.
He was sitting on the couch, slanting forward, hands clenched at the rim of the cushion, so tight his knuckles turned white. His breath came out in staggered pants as if to ease his plight. The book he was reading slipped off his leg and tumbled to the floor.
He needed you.
He peered at the clock on the wall. You hadn't been out for more than ten minutes, and it would take you at least another ten minutes to get back from the bakery. His good eye bumped into the golden like pendulum, swinging side to side. A bead of icy sweat trickled down his temple.
He pinched his eyes shut, setting his jaw tight. He tried to concentrate on something else, but a turmoil of despair exploded behind his eyeballs. Swallowing the pang, he urged himself up.
The dwindling, still-calm part of his brain somehow dragged him to the kitchen. He turned the stove off, and the whistle slowly ebbed. He rested a hand flat on the counter top, as he reached out to the cabinet for a mug. A shattering sound pierced through the kitchen, then a yell. A sharp pain lacerated his foot. Cursing under his breath, he slipped and thunked against the floor, a twinge flared on the back of his head and he was out.
Humming a song, you shoved the key in the keyhole and twisted the knob. You scuffed your shoes off and wiggled the jacket off before entering the living room. Your eyebrow rose in dismay as you scanned the room, tipping your head slightly to the side. You bent down and grabbed the book from the floor, placing it on the coffee table.
“Levi?” You dropped the paper bag on the couch and headed to his room.
No hints of him.
You slapped your hands over your mouth upon stepping into the kitchen, brows shooting up. Shit, shit, shit, shit!
You rushed to his side, carefully enough to not step on the shards, and kneeled down, buttocks resting on your heels. “Levi!” You patted his cheek gently, blood was oozing out from the back of his head. Panic flashed through your eyes and joints. “Levi, wake up! Please wake up!” your mouth wobbled.
His chest was rising and falling, and it was a good sign. Slowly, his eyes fluttered open, and he let out a breathy moan. You, a tinge of solace wash over him as he saw you through the daze.
“Thank Walls!” you muttered. “It’s ok, Levi.” You slipped an arm under his shoulders and helped him on his good foot. He’d stepped on the remnant of glass with his right one. Some drops of crimson red glistened on the floor.
You led him to his room and sat him down on the edge of the bed. “It’s ok, it’s ok, I’m here now. Let me clean your wounds.” You went to the bathroom and fetched the first aid kit.
Levi gazed down to the floor, avoiding your eyes. He didn't want you to see the shame on his face. Embarrassment and frustration burbled through his chest like boiling water.
“It might sting a little bit…”
He winced as you dabbed the cotton ball, soaked in hydrogen peroxide, on the lesion on his head, and wrapped it in gauze, then you treated the cut on the sole of his foot. He lifted the leg and stretched it out on the bed and you plucked the tiny pieces of glass out with tweezers. Levi just watched, without whines or complaints.
“Does it hurt somewhere else?” you raised your gaze, looking at him as you put the box of bandages back in the kit bag, and placed it on the bed.
He simply shook the head.
“How’s your leg? Is the new medication working?”
“Yeah,” he turned his face away, then glanced back at you.
“Don’t lie to me.” You cast a stern look.
His eyes turned white and he sighed. “The shit is doing nothing.”
Your eyes drifted to the floor and you breathed, “I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for leaving when you were going through so much pain. I shouldn’t have–“
“Drop it!” he barked, taking you aback. Shit, he shouted at you, a poisonous sting pricked his heart. Levi took a deep breath, letting the sudden outburst of rage drain off through his fingers and toes. “No, Y/N, it’s not your fault."
You stared at each other for a while, your palm rested on the back of his hand, lacing your fingers through his.
“Don’t” he pulled his hand away, and a drop of sadness spread over your chest.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“You know you can’t lie to me.”
You were right, Levi could deceive everyone else but you. You saw through his eyes the hardships of his soul.
“Why are you still with me?” A tear streamed down his cheek, and your eyes ensnared with his. His words chafed your skin. “I’m just a burden for you. You shouldn’t be here taking care of a crippled like me.” His voice cracked and his eyes swelled with tears.
Your dilated pupils trembled and your bottom lip quivered. A salty taste inundated your mouth. “Levi…”
You brought yourself closer and held him tight as he dropped his head on your shoulder. “Please, don’t ever say that again. Please… You’re not a burden.” The moist weave, wet in his tears, felt warm on your skin. Your own were seeping in his hair, as you caressed him, planting a kiss on the crown of his head.
“I don’t want you to stop living your life because of me,” he mumbled among sobs and sniffs. “I can’t protect you like this.”
“Levi…” You closed your eyes and tears squeezed out though your lashes. Levi was so pure and sweet, damn, he was a gem.
You were the luckiest person in the world because Levi Ackerman loved you and cherished you and adored you, even with the vestiges of war etched in his skin, he still thought of protecting you. Always putting you before him.
“My life is with you, Levi, my sweet honeybun. ” You cooed, dousing his head in kisses. “You can’t ask me that.”
“But–“
You embraced him tight.
“That’s how it is, Levi. Love can be messy... Don’t forget roses have thorns too. We have to take the bliss and the ugly, and face it. And that’s the tricky part of it, but you and I are the greatest team, we can overcome anything as long as we are together. You helped me when I needed you the most, you always looked after me. Needing some help is ok, you don’t have to be the hero all the time. Now let me take care of you.”
Levi nodded against you, draping his arms around you, clinging to you.
Fuck, he’d never thought he’d find someone who would get to know the real him and loved him anyway. He knew you believed you were the lucky one, but no one in the world was luckier than him.
Look away asshole. Levi tells himself, but his brain doesn’t cooperate. Seduced by your nervous laughter, his eyes snap back in your direction. The addictive burn slips down his throat, fueling the bursting fire in his chest at that Matias brat asking you out. He has to look. Even if he feels needles sticking in his eyes, he can’t bring himself to look away.
Spills of wine glisten on the stony floor. The air dank with the mesh of stew and the malty notes of beer. The mess hall stirs with the clattering of plates and mugs, and the screeching of benches, dancing with the snarls of laughter and cheers. Every second grows buzzier and buzzier, as if walking near a swarm of bees.
A golden tsunami sloshes in his mug as he thuds it down on the table. His fingers curled around the tankard, aching as he clutches the metal in his hand so tight, he menaces to turn the pewter into a piece of art that conveys all the rage held inside his chest. His knuckles lose all color, and he wonders if he would ever get the feeling back in them.
Black thin eyebrows knit together in his customary scowl. Everyone oblivious to the ticking bomb. His jaw clenches strained he feels his teeth would crack like corn.
You look so beautiful in that lavender summer dress that flares down to your knees and the ivory bow that wraps up your hair in a loose ponytail.
You gaze down, toying with a lock of hair around your finger, rocking on your feet. “I’m...I’m not sure.” He can read the stuttering in your lips, and then an ice-cold fury rushes through him when the freckled guy catches your hand in his and you blush.
The implosion goes unnoticed.
Your eyes tangle at his fingers laced on yours. Tucking the unmoored lock of hair behind your ear, you unveil the big golden hoop and look up, casting a dimpled smile at him.
Levi freezes on the spot, his heart kicking into a sprint. The room quiets down; the edges of his world shrink to frame the two of you. His hands tremble, his nostrils flare. Expectantly, he doesn’t take his eyes off your lips.
A timid yes slips of your mouth, and a sappy look creeps over Matias’ face. His eyes glint as he drags your hand to his lips and press a kiss on your knuckles.
That’s enough.
He shoves down the last swig of his drink and pursed his lips together, letting the heat dissolve the green-eyed monster lodging in his throat. Veins throb in his neck, his face broils with red. The slam on the table sinks the room into a pricking silence, all eyes drawn to him. He can feel the heaviness of everyone’s gazes. His fist burns but he can’t care less. That’s a tickle compared to what he’s been through. He slips off the seat and shoots a deathly glare at Shitty Glasses when they try to approach.
Steaming, he yanks his hands in his pockets and storms to the door, chewing the inside of his cheek. He can’t turn around. Because your gaze weighs more than those of the bunch of useless fools. It hooks to his back, jabbing the jagged knife again and again. He doesn’t want to see you. He doesn’t want to see you staring at him with those startled enthralling eyes glittering with dismay.
Anger rushes through him ready to burn like lit kerosene. But not at you.
Next thing he knows, he is out of the hall pounding the floor until he hits the place that grants him peace in his long sleepless nights.
The scene he had just witnesses urges him on. He can’t get out of his head that motherfucker leaving his lips printed on you. You must be laughing at his shitty jokes right now, leaning into him, smiling, planning where you’d go on the weekend.
And he hates it.
Oh, shit! He’s acting like a brat.
Fuck, Y/N. What did you do to me? He sighs and sweeps his fingers through his hair. That’s great you jerk. You always have to ruin it. The door to the rooftop squeaks open, and the soothing breeze welcomes him with a fondle on his cheeks. He sits on the ledge, legs hanging over the edge. The pearly glow of the moon baths him, giving his pallor a supple luster. The heels of his hands sink on his eye sockets, and a groan rumbles out from him. What the fuck she sees in that prick? He throws his head back and lets out a long groan of frustration. It’s better that way. Everything you touch wilts. She’s better off away from you.
“Levi?”
He drops his hands when he hears his name dripping from your lips, piping each syllable with pastry cream. Like always. But he doesn’t turn back. His unfounded anger had dusked, and now a smidge of embarrassment swaddles him. His fists clench on his thighs, and his teeth clamp into his bottom lip. He doesn’t want to let your voice in. Seeing you with that guy had sparked dire feelings that prickle his heart. It hurts like needles stinging under his nails. Maybe he’s overreacting, it’s not as he had caught you like a stumbling tangle of limbs. It's not like you were doing anything wrong, but… His head hangs forward as he lets his shoulders sag. Your heels clatter on the stone, louder, and his heart trots a league per second faster with every step you take.
“Are you ok?” You climb next to him, and he cranes his face away, the flush creeping to his ears.
He scratches the tip of his crinkled nose. “Y...yeah.”
“You seem you’re containing yourself again.” You drop your shoulders and sigh. Your legs swing in the precipice, and your eyes stumble with the moon. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
His face latches to you, and he traces your profile with his gaze. White specks glitter in your eyes, and a longing smile tugs one corner of his lips. “It is.”
A chuckle flees from your mouth. “You’re not even looking at her.”
I’m looking at something prettier. He shakes his head, crumbling those cheesy words and sweeps his tongue over his lips. “Do you like him?” He glances down, his toes curled stiff in his boots. Regret fills him right away after dumping the question.
“Matias?” Your eyes flick to him. Cheeks tingling, you cock your head, drawing an arch with your eyebrow. “Well…” you hesitate. You fiddle with the hem of your dress, eyes scooting around. No, he doesn’t unleash a swarm of butterflies in my belly like you do right now. “He asked me out.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.” He huffs without looking at you.
“What does it matter?”
A lump of iron jams in his throat.
“He’s sweet and funny and he’s been insisting since the cadet corps.” Your sweaty hands rub on the skirt of your dress.
“Do you like him?” He presses on each word. He closes his eyes, clears his throat and careens his face in your direction. “You gonna screw him?”
A scowl spoils your immaculate face. “Your assholery is boundless.” You shift around and thump your feet on the floor. As you stomp to the door, Levi growls and rubs a hand down his face.
“Wait.”
Teetering, your hand tenses around the knob. You breathe hard trying to push the tears back in your eyes, torturing yourself between twisting it or turning around. His steps falter, and you can feel his warmth swathing around you from behind. Why is he always like this?
Why? Why? Why?
Why doesn't he realize his insecurities hurt you too? He pushes you into a hole with spikes.
“Hold on” He breathes a desperate plead. He reaches out, grasping air in his hand.
“I shouldn’t have come here.” The doorknob clicks. Your eyes sting, beads fall from your face painting black spots on the ashy gray stone. “Without meaning to, you end up hurting me.” You mumble. “I just wanted one night, Levi. One night to go right. To enjoy and have a good time. Shield myself from you and your cranky face. Do you think I didn’t notice the way you were staring at me? at us? You were so close to beat the shit out of him. And then you threw your little number making me feel guilty.” Your tears flow heavier, and his heart begins to crack. “You were cruel, Levi. That was really unkind from you.” Your voice botches at the edges.
“I don't understand you. I can't read you. Even though you consider me your best friend, you won't let me in. And it breaks my heart.” You choke on a sob, saltiness swamping your mouth. “I know you know I like you. I like you like you, and when I feel the light filtering through the cracks of your walls, you push me away.” Your hand falls from the knob and your swivel around. Your glossy eyes, your parted lips, your stained face; a barbed wire that trusses around his neck. “You've got me stuck in a limbo. If you just want us to be friends, I get it. I'll respect that. But every time someone comes near me, you blow up. It makes me feel that you enjoy watching me suffer as I seek to escape from a dead-end maze.”
No. He is stoned on the spot, victim of Medusa’s eyes. He’s holding it up. Smidges of blood smears the palms of his hands. Rage pounds in his ears. His chest tightens, his feet weld to the floor. A surge of adrenaline scalds every inch of him from the inside. A pressure cooker on the verge of shrilling off.
You’re wrong and right at the same time. You’ve been hurt, he can see it in your eyes. Let’s rephrase it. He’s hurt you. All this time, he’s been an incoherent idiot. Ever since he arrived all you’ve done is reach out to him. You gave him your smile when everyone else looked down at him with disdain. You comforted him after his first expedition. It’s just that when you get too close, too close you begin to peel his outer layers, something happens to him. His defenses weaken. They crumble.
And he can’t let them fall.
He pushes you away for your own good, he repeats like a prayer hoping one day he’ll believe that crap. He’s afraid you’ll see what’s inside the hull and run away.
“Say something!!!.” Your creaky voice pierces his ears. Your throat scourges with every rushed breath. “Let me get things straight once and for all. Whatever it is, this back and forth, I…it’s too much, I can’t take it anymore.” You wipe off your tears in your arm. He glances at your feet, then sweeps his eyes back to you. “if you can’t make up your mind, leave me alone.”
And all his outrage sinks into pain. His eyes glisten, red and swollen. A glitter of tears make clumps of his eyelashes. He opens his mouth to speak but words claw in his throat.
You shake your head, letting out a snort, and turn around.
His eyes snap wide.
He can't thinking straight. Dizzy by the dashing blood, he’s not sure where it comes from; must be an act of instinct. He reaches out, grabs your hand and pushes you back against the wall.
“What the—” Your blotted irises quiver, and before you find a way out, he slams his lips onto yours. And the second he tastes you, his heart kicks frenziedly in his chest. He can hear every beat in his ears. A soft whine drips from your mouth and he swallows it, pressing his weight against you, feeling the warmth of his body melting with yours. He lets go of your wrist and without asking for permission, he plunges his tongue into your mouth, his hands landing on either side of you face as he drinks you, savors you. Traces of wine lingering in you.
Your hands curl on his upper arms, your nails digging into his linen-clad skin.
His lips move faster and harsher the longer you kiss, your bodies stoking up a blazing fire against the wall. Until he brokes away, stunned.
You stare at him for what seems like an eternity, unreadable, cheeks flushed, your chest rising and falling brashly. Anger, pain, disappointment, he can’t tell. And then a searing pain breaks on his cheeks, pounding with the shape of your palm. “Fuck you, Levi.” You push him off, bursting in tears, and thump the door shut. The clang of your heels wane.
“Shit.” He mutters. Grunting his frustration, he kicks an innocent barrel, again and again, until it turns into a jumble of splinters. He shoves his fingers into his hair and clamps tight until fire spreads on his scalp. His back touches the wall, and he lets himself slip down against the soot where the flames of your first kiss had been alight.
He licks his lips, tasting what’s left from you.
Soaked in tears, he slides his arms around his shins, squeezes his eyes shut, dropping his face onto his knees. He knows he’s ruined it for good this time.
But his head is full right now. Full of you and your dress and your Mary Jane shoes, your messy hair and the glint of your earrings. Your bright eyes, his name falling from your lips like velvet. But your words erased your image, flashing in bright letters, stabbing him right in the chest.
You hurt me…cruel…unkind.
Air thins and his chest heaves, clogging with each sob that rakes through him. His heart itches to go after you, but his body is limp after the emotional deluge.
That's why he can't let the walls collapse, because the pain is direly unbearable.
Don't let it in, Levi. Don't.
And he understands that when you hurt the one you love, you’re bound to hurt yourself.
tw: SMUT, (soft smut), newlyweds, virgin reader, fem!Bodied reader, Oral sex, fem!rec, I just wrote this so not proofread.
w.c: 2.3k
The happiest day of your life, the day you read your vows to each other, before an altar, with so many witnesses sharing your joy, but the only ones that matter were he and you. Two mawkish lovey-doveys, inebriated in each other; the sappy couple you swore you’d never become. And here you are, a stumbling tangle of limbs, sprauchling on every wall and every corner of the hallway, tearing your lips apart. Anxious fingers searching and finding, sneaking through any opening. The floor brims with rose petals and flickering candles, tracing the path that leads to your hotel room.
The faint light captures the glint of the gold bands on your left ring fingers. Boozed up mesh of laughs floods the air.
You duck into your room, and without breaking the kiss, Levi shuts the door close with a back-kick. The loud thud rumbles through the corridor.
“Levi!” You cry and pull away, rubbing a finger over your smudged, bitten lip.
Laughter bubbles out from his throat. Lovely sound. And he shrugs his blazer off, then his vest letting them pool at his feet.
He looks at you, his fingertips lingering along your ears, while your svelte finger slips under his bow tie, the strap unclasps and it flumps down. Levi removes the bobby pins with such daintiness, making your braids fall out, tiny white flowers tumble from you hair, littering the mahogany wooden floor like stars twinkling in the sky. You fondle his cotton-clad shoulders and upper arms as he, without breaking eye contact slides his hands behind your back, looking for the lace that keeps your dress in place; he tugs at it, finally, and the bow loses its shape. He spins you around, and you lift your hair; his breath caresses your nape, and his lips come closer, smothering with kisses your neck and naked shoulders.
Butterflies flit in your stomach, just like the first time you met.
“I love you,” he whispers, his voice raspy and smooth at the same time, making heat rise to your cheeks, between your legs.
“I love you too,” you muse. You’re trembling, dizzy with eagerness and agitation.
Deft fingers loosen the corset, with the patience of an old granny counting coins to buy a loaf of bread. The cord slips through the grommets and then his scorching palms glide between your dress and your sensitive flesh, cleaving the panels open. The hefty, white, pompous gown rumples around your legs.
You swirl around.
“Beautiful,” he mutters, and you feel shy under his dull gaze, eyes dawdling gingerly over your body, dressed in lacy lingerie. He hoists you in his arms, making his way to the bed, your legs anchored around his waist, your heels tapping on his butt cheeks. Arms tethered behind his neck, tongues urgently fighting for dominance. You can feel the excitement growing under his pants
He scuffs off one patent leather shoe, his free rayon-clad toes push down the other oxford at the heel and he drops you on the bed, your legs dangling over the end. He crouches down, and lifts your right foot first, resting it on his thigh, slips off the white strap through the buckle and tosses away the heel. He repeats the process for the other foot. Then raises your leg lightly, his mouth strides from your knee down to your ankle, drawing a trail of moist kisses, and retraces his steps. Giggles dribble from you. His lips tickle your thigh as they move upward, and his teeth hook at the white garter, pulling at it and letting it spring back; he chases it, and drags it down, slowly, until it dangles in your toes and slips down.
His lips find yours again and he shifts you to the center of the bed, his fingers brushing like feathers over your ribs, then your waist, as you undo the buttons of his shirt. He leans back, sitting on his heels and pulls it off, the silver glow that seeps through the window baths his perfectly chiseled body in luster as a marble sculpture.
The buckle of his belt clatters on the floor, he slips off the bed and wiggles his black slacks down, then crawls back and kneels between your legs.
“You’re gorgeous, Levi.” You stretch out your arms, making grabby hands. “Let me touch you.”
He smirks, and hovers over you, his hands denting the mattress at the sides of your head. You look like a goddess, hair sprawled, laying beneath him in that sexy lingerie, in the middle of the scattered red petals. His nose nudges on your cheek as your fingertips map his naked chest and abs, burning his skin like molten wax, his muscles rippling under your touch. His nose strolls down along your jawline, and tips your chin up, planting kisses leisurely on your neck, grazing that thrumming spot.
Your blood fizzes through your veins, igniting every inch of your body, from flesh to bone. “I want you, Levi.” You mewl, lolling your head to the side so his mouth continues the blissful onslaught under your jaw.
Levi pulls apart a bit, grips your jaw and forces you to look at him. He scans your face. Your cheeks are flushed pink, specks of white quail on your dilated pupils, faint puffs of breath sip out of your already worn out lips. While engrossed in your beauty, your sneaky hand finds the hem of his underwear and slip under, in quest of what you covet now. Your fingers curled around him, eliciting a cloying gasp; hips jerk up. He’s girthy, and oozing, and a drop of panic smears in your lower belly.
“Not yet,” he tows your hand off and hauls you up and unclasps your bra after a few attempts. His fumbling hands cup your breast, nipples tautened with desire rolling between his fingers, and a reel of moans spools off your mouth. You lurch back, propped in your arms, head hanging backwards, brows twitching. You feel his knuckles brushing down past your navel as his tongue teases and swirls around your hardened nubs. Desire pools between your thighs; your core aches with greed.
“Ah! Levi, please!” You tilt your head down and look at him having fun with your breasts. You run your fingers through his hair and clench your hand, pushing him down to where you need him the most. “Levi!” You wail, as he nibbles on your perky bud, refusing to leave. He pulls apart by a bit, gazing up to you, your nipple captive between his teeth. He lets go, simpering, and drags his lips back to yours.
He pushes you down on bed.
“Y/N.” he utters against your mouth.
“Y/N.” Against your collarbones.
“Y/N.” Your navel.
“Y/N.” Over your clothed mound.
He´ll never grow tired of saying your name.
A grin blooms on his lips when he catches the transparent spot on the crotch. His eyes glint with need, and you can't help but blush with embarrassment.
“Don’t be shy.” His palms saunter over your inner thighs as he buries his nose in your wetness. “I’m so hard I don’t think I’ll last too long. And you´re the cause,” he mumbles, and takes a deep breath, your sweet arousal awakening his primal side and shutting down any trace of self-restraint. Damn, he wants to be inside you so bad, but he needs to try you first. He pushes your panties to the side, and shears with a finger the cord of slick that lingers between your skin and the lingerie. His length twitches. Shit, he’s going to blow out before any fun begins.
But it’s your fault, you turn him into a madman without even trying.
Your hips jiggle at the first lap of his tongue running between your folds, legs squirm, something coils within your core. Your eyes squeeze shut, face turned to the side, mouth drawing a beautiful O as he feasts in you, like a famished man savoring a copious meal after several days without taking a bite.
His name falls of your mouth as his playful tongue and lips explore uncharted territory. He pulls away and strokes your swollen clit over the fabric, your hips rocking, seeking the delightful friction.
“Don’t st- No!”
He cruelly lets the knot in your belly unravel, all the bliss dwindling.
“I’m sorry,” he coos, his fingers anchored at the hem of your underwear. You buck up your hips and he pulls down that meddlesome piece. Completely bared and unfurled for him. A piece of art worth for his private museum.
He doesn’t waste time. He spreads open your folds with his thumbs, your enlarge glossy clit, longing for attention. And he listens to it. His lips seize it, his tongue laps and draws circles over it, pushing you to the edge. Your body writhes; your legs tense, your knuckles whiten as your hands clench in the sheets.
“Levi! Fu- Ah!” You gasp at the finger plunging into you, but it’s not enough to appease your need and he knows it. He adds a second digit, prodding, scissoring, chasing after each other, stroking that spongy spot as he’s mouth works on your clit. Your eyes clamped shut tight, you feel meteors bursting behind them. It’s intense, fierce, the sizzling now boils within you until it erupts like a volcano, and for a few seconds, you’re swarmed by pure elation.
Your chest rises and fall wildly, your breath whizzes out in staggered pants, and your face is sleek in sweat. Through the haze, you find Levi staring up at you, sweeping his tongue over his coated lips. You see it in his eyes, he can’t hold back anymore.
In a second, he gets rid of his underwear, his cock springs freely, the throbbing tip whisking his lower belly, and a crisp line of black tuft that begins under his belly button, marches down to the base of his erection. He peels down the foreskin, and shit, he’s beautiful, big and thick, and your eager and nervous to have him.
His hardness skims your belly as he kisses you, and you can taste yourself in his lips. Sweet and bitter. He inches back, and your eyes entangle, his hand smoldering your cheek. His voice is serious. “I’ll be gentle.” Kiss. “Let me know if it’s too much.” Kiss. “You know I fucking love you.” Kiss. “And the last thing I want is to hurt you.” Kiss.
You nod, the back of your hand brushes his cheek with tenderness. “I love you too,” you croon, “and I trust you.”
He guides himself, looking for your entrance, and you feel him poking. Panic rises. You close your eyes, and he rolls his hips forward, painfully slow, and your body puts resistance to the unfamiliar intrusion. Levi stills, watching every reaction on your face. Your body is all tense. His hand entwines with yours for reassurance and you squeeze. He squeezes back.
“You have to relax,” he purrs, strands of black hair prick your forehead, his breath fanning over your neck. Beads of sweat trickle down his face. Your free hand claws on his shoulders, threatening to etched red marks.
Tears peek at the corners of your eyes. You take a deep breath, teeth sinking into your bottom lip, and, with resolve, you buck your hips up in a howl of pain. Levi grunts and hisses at the tight warmth that envelops him; inch by inch, he sheathes himself into you. Hot blood dashes through his veins as he fights the urge to shove himself into you in a quick, single thrust.
With a thumb, he sweeps away your tears.
“Levi,” your voice is a quavering lament, your face contorted in pain as he breaches you, breath hitching; your walls blazing in sweet agony. And then your pelvises meet, and he stops and stills. Trembling, waiting for you to adapt.
“You’re doing great.” He tugs down your lower lip, eyes droopy, leaden with love and lust. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” He spews and captures your lips again. Your hand meander along the slope of his spine. Despite the waning pain, you know you’re a perfect fit. Made for each other.
His face reels back, enough to take a glimpse of your face, to make sure you’re ok, tears dried, and a faint smile tugs at your lips.
“You can move.” You say.
He rakes his fingers through your hair, toying with your locks for a moment, before finding your hand again. He wants to reach your peaks with your hands weaved together. He drops his head to kiss you and only then, he begins to work himself in and out at a languid pace, relishing in your moist and the friction, taking his time because he doesn’t want to explode just yet.
Your back arches as the pain gives way to pleasure; brimming, rolling heat. Your nails rake down, painting red lines on his back. Groans and moans rise in a dazzling melody. Your melody. His deep grunts getting in tune with your highest notes.
Your name seeps out of his lips in jagged whispers, melting in your hair. His breathing quickens as his tempo rises, and your body tightens around him, driven over the edge, for the second time, by the rocking of his hips.
Your hands squeeze each other as if they’d melt together.
You coil, tighter and tighter, and then, jolts of pleasure break through you, seizing every inch of your body, and your orgasm wrenches his right after. He fills you with his seed and collapses over you, but doesn’t roll away. He stays, with an idiotic smile plastered on his face, and reaches out, sweeping a lock of hair from your cheek and tucking it behind your ear. He kisses you on the forehead, and your both let giggles rumble in your throats. His thumb fondles the back of your hand, drawing feeble circles, then brings it to his mouth and presses a kiss on top of the band.
“Are you ok, Mrs. Ackerman?” He watches you watching him through eyes leaden with weariness, dozing. Yet, you pull out a smile.
Thank you so much @oyasumimosura for the request! I kind of got carried away with this.
Your eyes dart downwards, one foot dangling over the ledge while the other remains safe, whisking the cold stone of the rooftop floor. From the highest tower of the building that has been your home for the past five years, you can barely descry the animals that prowl around at that time of the night. The rocks, bushes and colorful flowers that grace the path to the stables seem puny from that height.
You wonder if that's how the moon looks down at you.
You lie on your back, staring up at the night sky, feeling insignificant under the vast mantle of stars that unfolds to the infinite. For the boundless universe, you are nothing but an infinitesimal particle whose span on Earth reduces to a fraction of a second.
Then, why do humans insist on giving meaning to life? Without a purpose, isn't that fraction of a second worth living?
You close your eyes, glad that the music from the feast doesn't reach your sacred place.
From a very young age, you knew your purpose: to dedicate your heart to humanity's sake; to fight the titans and discover what lies outside Wall Maria. Your grandfather used to talk about the sea, an endless body of salt water. With curiosity glinting in your eyes, you asked him if he ever got to see it; but he let out a chuckle, ruffled your hair, and replied that it was a story he'd heard from his best friend.
Your great grandfather Jorge and grandfather Carlo were commanders of the Scouting Legion, and your father, Solm Pikale, named after the first human to have ever killed a titan, died as a hero protecting his squad.
The legacy lives through you; their blood rushes through your veins. As soon as you turned sixteen, you enlisted in the military, even though it meant breaking your mother's heart.
As expected, you graduated first in your batch. Not only was your dexterity with the ODM gear unparalleled, you were endowed with decisiveness, strategic thinking and team working skills; thus, a few months after joining the S.C, they promoted you to squad leader. You were also in charge of training the new recruits. It was one thing to maneuver the equipment on static objects, and quite another to handle it among moving, daunting titans.
You were an unprecedented prodigy, an indispensable asset for survey corps. The queen, until…
Erwin returned from his mission in the Underground city with three new recruits who had never received military training; however, their skills with the equipment astonished everyone. They moved with such ease and adroitness that you could hardly believe they learned how to use the equipment on their own, but the one that menaces your reign was the cranky raven haired.
You and Levi equaled each other in flexibility, speed and agility; nonetheless, he outstripped you with his superhuman strength and his inexhaustible source of stamina. Once, you wondered if he belonged to another species.
As you supervised the training that afternoon, you couldn't squash the jealousy worm, letting it drill a hole in your chest.
Little by little, that obnoxious feeling drifted away, and as if he was made of metal and your eyes were magnets, you couldn't fight the urge to look for him at any time of the day. You thought it was only admiration, but you then found out you yearned for something else the day his sturdy fingers accidentally brushed the small of your back, and every cell in your body combusted.
You couldn't discern whether it was love or lust, but one thing for sure was that every time your gazes met, his embracing gray eyes threatened to pierce the innermost recesses of your soul.
And it didn't help you'd become good friends.
You're standing on the ledge, your toes drumming near the edge. Your dress billows out around your knees, and the soft breeze caresses your face. You let your hair down and it raptures in the wind. Closing your eyes and stretching your arms out wide, your mind goes blank as you rejoice in the universe's infinity.
You don't hear the door screech open, nor the steps approaching you, halting about six feet behind you.
A pair of gray eyes watches you, mesmerized by the serenity you exude.
Your mint floral lace dress clings to your curves, fluttering down from your waist to your knees, and the puffy, organza sleeves cinch your arms above your elbows. Levi's cheeks smolder; he doesn't know if it is the alcohol taking a toll on his body or the bewitching beauty of the angel spreading her wings in front of him.
"Do you think those who jump regret their decision right before smashing on the ground?"
Perhaps, you noticed his presence as soon as he opened the door.
You raise one foot in front of you, drawing circles in the air, alerting Levi's survival instincts. He rushes over, grabs your hand, and pulls you towards him, making you lose your balance. You wobble and scramble on top of him.
It all happens in one second.
His hands clasp your arms, your palms resting on the floor. You blink twice, tilting your head backwards.
Levi is looking at you with wide eyes. His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows. He opens his mouth to speak, but clamps it shut right away. Lusty need swats you both.
Neither of you mutter a single word, nor you feel uneasy with each other's closeness. It is the first time you look him in the eye for so long. The moonlight reflects in his pupils, drawing flickering white specks on those gray gems.
Your gaze darts from his eyes, to his mouth, back to his eyes as he remains still, foreboding what would come next. He does nothing to prevent it.
As soon as your mouth settles on his, he closes his eyes, letting himself be carried away by the spiciness of your lips, fusing slowly, relishing every second. It's the first time in his life he feels such desire, so desperate to touch, to drink, to own.
You pull away for a brief moment. "Damn, I really wanted to kiss you," you whisper, and lock your mouths again. You can sense the frenzy with which your hearts thump as the kiss deepens. Your lips part, granting him access, and he doesn't hesitate a second to maraud you. His tongue dances with yours, swirling and sweeping in perfect synchronization.
One or two moans fall from your insatiable mouths, his hands sliding mindlessly over your back, your waist, until he finds the end of the cord that holds your dress in place.
"Levi." You broke the kiss, staring at him through heavy lidded eyes while he tugs at the ribbon, untying it with daring fingers, and the lace slips through the grommets.
"I know you want it too." His husky voice gives your chills. It gushes through your ears and ripples down through your body. Is it what a voice is supposed to do? Only his ignites the fire within you.
You roll over and sit down, flicking your hair over your shoulder as he kneels behind you to finish what he has started. He sunders the back panels; his fingertips scorching you as if someone was pouring hot wax on your flesh. His hands roam between your skin and the fabric. The sleeves start to slip off your shoulders, but you fold your arms over your chest.
"Get off your clothes first. I'm not wearing anything under this." You said without turning around, sucking your bottom lip and tucking a lock of hair behind your ear.
Levi sighs, and tension coils in your lower abdomen when he presses his lips on your nape. "You enjoy tempting me, uh?" He stands up, and scuffs his shoes off, loosens his cravat, and takes his waistcoat off. "You think I haven't noticed the way you look at me when you cross your legs and your skirt accidentally slips?" He deals with the cuffs and unbuttons his shirt, that soon joins the pile of clothes pooling at his feet. "Or when you mistake your cup with mine?"
You bite your bottom lip, and swivel around, marveling at his marble sculpted body. You watch him wiggling his pants off, your eyes lingering deliberately from his legs, all the way up to his torso, making a stop on the protruding bulge under his briefs.
"You're not so innocent, Levi." Your voice comes out in a hoarse whisper.
He approaches and you kneel in front of him, your impatient fingers glide over his torso, your empty pussy clenches and aches as you trace his taut muscles. He was perfect, the embodiment of pure masculine perfection. His eyes bore into you as you carry on the exploration, tracing a finger along the waist line of his underwear, and with one brisk move, you free him from his confinements. His long thick cock, standing proud, the head brushing against his lower belly. Once around his feet, Levi steps out of his briefs.
"It's pretty. I wonder what it tastes like." You glance up, raking your nails down his hard thighs as gravity takes care of your dress. It slips off enough for your breasts to peek out. Levi takes a glimpse at your perky nipples, and he can't wait to graze them in his mouth.
Without breaking the eye contact, you drag your mouth to his throbbing length, planting a kiss between his balls.
"I'll give you the best oral in your life you won't be able to forget me."
Thin, black brows shoot open, a smirk drawn on his lips.
You grip him by his hips and run your tongue underneath his shaft, tracing the pulsating vein all the way from the base to the oozing tip, lapping the bead of precum glistening on the thick head. Levi groans; his hips jerk up. You have him at your mercy. The effect you inflict on him makes you feel powerful. You can see in his face the way he struggles to refrain from himself.
With light swipes of your tongue and feather-like kisses, you tease him. "Relax," you mutter. "We both know how bad you want to be in my mouth." You swirl your tongue all over the pinkish head before wrapping your lips around him. Levi thrusts his hips forward, and you take all of him deep into your mouth, reveling in his piquant taste. You moan around his length, shivers of pleasure ramble down his legs. A strangled groan rumbles out his throat as you bob your head faster, sucking and swirling your tongue all around him. "ShitFuckShitFuck." Levi squeezes his eyes shut, fists clenched at his sides.
"Mm-hmm."
His breathing rags and beads of sweat trickle down his temples as you continue humming. It's so lewd and hot and the possibility that somebody catches you with his cock shoved in your mouth has you dripping hard, wetness pooling your inner thighs.
The potent smell of your arousal is driving him mad.
Levi finds solace in your hair, twisting his fingers through your locks, clutching tight. You whine, and a tear peeks from the corner of your eye at the sharping pain spreading on your scalp. You dig your nails in his skin and he yields to your gagging pleas, loosening his grip.
Levi rocks his hips, working his length in and out of your mouth, finding a rhythm with you. The head of his cock sticking out in your throat as he is stuffing you; your knuckles whiten as your nails sink into his butt cheeks. He grits his teeth, tilting his head backwards, and increases the pace, pumping faster and harder into you. The fireball in his lower abdomen is on the brink of explosion. You can feel it too, and after three more thrusts, his thick, warm load swamps your mouth. An agonizing groan ripples off him. Waves of pleasure pierce through him, dragging out all the air of his lungs.
He pulls out, panting heavily. His legs wobble, yet he keeps his balance, and gazes down at you, watching you swallow his seed. That's the hottest thing he's seen in his life.
"You taste good."
"Fuck, Y/N" He steps back, raking his fingers through his slick hair, and runs his palms down his face, letting out a deep breath. He thinks he'd come again just by looking at you.
"Are you enjoying the view?" You stand up, and your gown finally plummets to your feet, leaving you completely naked before him, your taut nipples begging for him. Batting your lashes, you lick your finger, and sweep it along your slick folds before shoving it into his mouth.
You reach a point of no return.
His lascivious eyes drill into your soul. He takes one step closer and grabs your wrist, his grip so tight it's cutting off your blood flow. Your heart pounds fiercely you bet he can hear the beats loud and clear. He slowly pulls your hand away and closes the small gap between you, his hardness pressing against your lower belly.
His intense gaze disarms you; it makes you feel small, yet you love it. He slides his hands behind your neck, his thumbs tracing the outline of your jaw as he rubs his nose on your cheek. "I want you to come all over my dick." His voice–rough and sandpapery–scald your ears and the pit of your stomach. This dirty, primal side he keeps sharply tucked within him tantalizes you.
Your inner thighs are sodden.
You kiss him, winding your arms around his neck while his palms, dawdling down your curves, sear your flesh. He squeezes your butt cheeks, and you jostle, straining your belly against his throbbing cock. Levi groans in your mouth and grips your ass, urging you up. He lifts you, and you drape your legs around his waist, his hardness poking your thigh.
"You're soaking wet." He gibes. He captures a nipple in his mouth, sucking, nipping, swirling his tongue around it.
"Levi!" You whine when he bites lightly your sensitive bud; your head tilts backward, moan after moan falls from your parted lips. Everything in you tightens. Your needy hole craves to be filled.
You flinch when your back hits the cold, stony wall. Levi drags his mouth to the unattended nipple, and assails it with strokes and soft nibbles. The nippy air bites your glistening nub. Your breathing is ragging between soft moans, your legs tremble. You shut your eyes close, wrapping your arms around his head, bringing him closer as he gobbles on your boobs.
Your breath brushes past your juicy lips, your cheeks seized by a sizzling tingle. Levi tugs on your nipple with his lips, pulling it slightly before freeing it with a soft popping sound.
He lets you slide down just a bit until your eyes meet at the same level, and grazes your mouth, plunging his rabid tongue inside, inebriating you with the caramel and oak that lingers in him.
He parts by a fraction, his warm breath blazing your worn-out lips. “I’ll fuck you so hard, I'll make sure they all can hear you.” His voice came out so raw, and raspy, rippling down from your ears to your core.
“Do it.” you plant a kiss on his lips and draw back. “Take all you want from me.”
His open-mouth kisses ghost over your cheek. “You better don’t regret those words, queen.” You feel the tip of his cock poking your drenched entrance.
“Fuck you.” You growl. You loath when he calls you that.
Levi snorts and drags his mouth to your ear. “Fuck you.” He mutters. Without warning or anesthesia, Levi plunges into you with one quick thrust. Your sweet sounds fill the air, tangling together. Once fully inside, he stays still, reveling in the warmth enveloping him.
He feels so good, stuffing you to the brim, an addictive sensation you’d never grow tired of.
You rock your hips forward, wordlessly begging him to move.
Levi grins. “I bet this is what you think of every night, having my cock buried deep inside you.”
You hum, nodding your head. There is no point to deny it.
He eases out, leaving a painful emptiness that, lucky for you, doesn’t last long. Your pussy stretches to take him again. Your legs trembles with the sweet, intense friction he evokes. He moves languidly first, each stroke a delightful torment.
You mewl, "Levi, you feel so good."
He's is holding you firmly; his fingers dig in the tenderness of your hamstrings as he increased the pace. "You take me so fucking well," he pants. His strokes are deeper and rougher.
You clamp your eyes shut, tears of delight squeezing out from between your lashes. Your mouth forms an 'o' shape, letting out those pretty sounds that sweeten his ears. You can feel the volcano inside of you about to erupt. That obscene clapping sound of your hips crashing together fills the air, fusing with your moans and groans.
"Oh! Walls… Lev…Ah!" you babble, your eyes rolling back into your head, unable to string more than to words together.
Levi is fucking you, like really fucking you harsh and erratically and crude and sweaty. You're glad everyone else is down in the mess hall enjoying the music, while you rejoice in your private concert of nasty noises.
You claw your nails on his back and bite his shoulder to muffle your moans, but Levi doesn't like it. He thrusts even harder you choke in gasps. "Levi!"
He smirks as you boost his ego, and seizes your neck. He bites and sucks, and your brain turns into mush. It's hard to breath, and you can't reason, all you're left to do is to succumb to the rapturous sensations he elicits in you. "Gonna…cum."
Levi, Levi, Levi. His name conquers your mind.
His nibbles blister your skin and his fingers dent in your thighs. You'll wake up the next morning with sex bruises etched all over you.
"Oh! Fuck," he growls.
You feel the pulse of his cock inside you as your fluttery walls squeeze him hard. You clench around him; his brutally hard thrusts drag you to the peak of elation. "Levi!" Ripples of pleasure wash over you, one after the other. Fireworks burst behind your eyes, your body stiffens and the entire world crumbles.
His muscles flex, and his jaw juts out. Hot pressure coils in the pit of his stomach, and after two or three more ruthless pumps, he spurts his warm essence into your depths. A low groan is torn from somewhere deep in his chest, and you think that's the hottest thing you've ever heard.
You're both panting heavily. Levi rests his forehead on yours, and you remain silent for a moment. Your bodies still connected, soaking in each other's sweat.
Levi finally pulls out with a groan, and lets your feet drop to the floor. He strokes your cheek with the back of his hand and holds your gaze. "I think we've waited too long for this." He breaths.
You nodded, waiting for your senses to come back.
He kisses you again, sweet and tender, as if few minutes ago he wasn't savagely ramming into you.
"Levi," you say through the kiss.
He loves the way his name falls from your lips. His head lolls back slightly and he meets your gaze through half-lidded eyes. "Uh?"
You scratch the side of your head, your eyes darting around. A deep shade of red creeps across your face. "I'd like to know," you find his gaze. "Does this mean–"
He cuts you with another kiss. He knows you hold feelings for him and can't help but feel like the worthless piece of crap for giving you fake hopes. He doesn’t want to hear it because he doesn't have an answer.
He convinces himself he only needed a tension reliever, but deep down he knows there's something else he doesn't understand shackling him to you. Something he doesn’t want to figure out.
Understanding means feeling.
Feeling means losing.
He can't bear with another loss.
You feel as if scorpion stings your heart, yet you cling to his warmth while it lasts.
Levi turns around and walks away. He picks up his clothes from the floor and puts them on in silence. You follow him, the cold air gnaws on your skin.
Shimming your hips, you slip into the dress and slide the sleeves on. As he fixes the collar of his shirt, the ravenette takes a glimpse on your way and finds you struggling with the back of your dress, your arms in an awkward position, trying to pull the cord ends. He stands behind you, and brushes your hands off to tie the laces.
"Thanks," you mutter.
You bend down to pick up your heels and use the ledge for support, lifting one foot to slip your shoe on, then the other. The old wooden door screeches open and once you swivel around, he's gone.
Running a hand down your face, you lean back, resting your elbows on the ledge. Your eyes are closed and your lips pressed into a thin line as tears stream down your face. You curse inwardly. You knew it was a mistake, the most heavenly mistake.
You trudge back into your room and close the door behind you. The soreness begins to sprout in your legs and back. You take your dress and shoes off before entering the bathroom, and turn on the tub faucet. While the water burbles down, you stand in front of the sink, and can't recognize the woman staring back at you. You tuck away the strands of hair stuck to your face and lean forward over the sink. Your mascara is smeared under your eyes and your lipstick smudged around your lips. You loll your head to side, and the light baths your neck exposing the vestiges of his bites. You whirl around and look over your back, spotting the bruises the stony wall stamped on your skin.
Anger, disappointment, desire to repeat it all. A heap of emotions strikes you all at once your head begins to throb.
You remove your make up before getting into the tub, and sit down with your legs bent. You drape your arms around your shins and tuck your chin on your knees. Dragging in air into your lungs, you close your eyes.
Levi takes over your head. Not only his face. His hoarse voice and moans, his inebriating scent, and his grip in your skin. You still can feel his hands meandering over your body, his lips abrading yours and marking your neck, and pampering your breasts. Your head falls backward as you bit your lower lip, your pussy clenches around nothing, trying to revive the luscious friction he elicited.
Walls.
You blow out a quick breath and reality snaps.
Only one night you spent with him, a night that should mean nothing, and you stupidly stumbled and fell under his spell.
You let out a deep growl and hit your head with the heel of your hands. There's no time or room in your head to think about love and heartbreaks. You had to focus on the next mission.
There's no other choice left but to drag the grumpy midget out of your mind.
While you mentally torture yourself on what should or shouldn't have been, he'd probably have forgotten about you already.
You have to stop thinking of him.
Levi comes out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, a second one around his neck. He opens the drawer and mindlessly grabs a pair of briefs. From another drawer he takes out a light gray shirt.
He puts his underwear first and wipes his hair dry with the towel before putting his shirt on. Once in comfortable clothes, he flumps into the bed and reaches out for a pillow. He nuzzles his cheek, tucking his arms under it.
His eyes land on the wall and your face flood his thoughts. He can't forgive himself for what he did to you. Putting faith in your hands that immediately slithered like water through your fingers. Something inside him stirred the day he met you, an unfamiliar sensation he tried to rip off his chest, but he failed.He can't forget you, and the blowjob has nothing to do with it.
*
After that night, you didn't expect your relationship to transcend the friendship bond you share; although it's clear that you and Levi are bound to each other by something stronger than that. Neither did you anticipate it to flip like a pancake and burn. Who would've thought that a wild night would obliterate the bond you had built up over the past few years?
If you could go back in time, you would have withstood temptation to retrieve what you had.
"Levi, we need to talk." You startle him from behind while he's supervising his squad training, but he doesn’t turn around.
"We have nothing to talk about. And I have work to do."
"You can't pretend there's noth–"
Levi growls and spins around to face you, placing his hands on your shoulders and leaning closer so your faces are a couple of inches apart. He bites the bullet. He hides behind the mask and it is difficult to read what's going on in his mind and heart. His eyes are empty and hollow and dark. Sometimes you wonder how much energy it demands to bottle up your feelings.
"I boozed up and needed a good fuck, and you just happened to be there."
Your heart is trapped in a rose bush, bruised by thorns. Your lungs turn to stone you can't breathe; your eyes crystallize, and Levi see how they shatter, how you crumb.
"Could you at least tell me what I did wrong?" Your voice quavers.
Staring empty at him, you wait for an answer that never comes. Your heart shrinks and your stomach crumples. He swivels around because he can't bear watching you break down. He closes his eyes and bites his fumbling bottom lip. It tastes like iron. "What happen that night was a mistake, Y/N."
Levi buries the dagger in your chest. Those words scorching his throat, molten metal belching from his mouth. Levi is not oblivious to your pain. He hates himself for hurting you. He hates himself for making you cry, but it's necessary.
Throughout his life, Levi had learned his lessons the harsh way.
First blow, Kuchel. He cries.
Second blow, Kenny. He runs.
Third blow, Farlan and Isabel. He knows he's screwed.
Forth blow. He wouldn’t survive.
If he has a hunch that something would end in disaster, he simply avoids it. Only idiots make the same mistakes over and over again.
There is nothing sadder than seeing how slowly a breach opens between you and the person who still makes your heart skip a beat. There is no more tea on Sunday afternoons, no more accomplice glances, no more jokes; your conversations don't flow as they used to. Silences become uncomfortable. Deep in your heart, you hoped, like a flickering flame that refused to die, that your feelings would be reciprocated. But for Levi you meant nothing more than a night of pleasure. He took what he wanted and left. Slowly, you drift apart, wondering why things couldn't be.
Your wake up and your head throbs. You groan, rubbing your eyes with the back of your hands, before begrudgingly leaving the bed. You brush your teeth, sneaking a hand under your shirt to scratch your tummy. It's been six weeks since that day, well, since that night and Levi has only exchanged a few words with you. If 'Oi' or 'tch' counts as words. It's time to move on, it's time to forget about him too.
*
Your legs dangle over the nursing bed, your hands resting on the mattress at your sides. Your eyes wander around the white room while you wait for Hange to come back. The tummy cramps have worsened. You bloat easily, you've lost your appetite and stress was clutching your period back.
The door squeaks open. They walk in with a clipboard in hand and a hard expression to read on their face. Joy and concern at the same time, and it seems like they're refraining themself from throwing their arms in the air and shout.
All you want to know if whether you're dying or not.
You mindlessly watch as they place the clipboard on the table and take a sit next to you. They wind an arm around your shoulders and pull you closer.
"Please Hange, you're killing me."
They scratch the side of their head and exhale. "I don't know if it's good news or bad news, Y/N."
You lift a brow.
"You're eight weeks pregnant, and so far, nothing seems out of the ordinary." The food sloshes in your stomach, and you feel it whizzing up through your esophagus. In one second a meteor crashes your world.
You're withering and sweating. Hange hugs you.
"Please don't tell anyone, Hange, please, please, please." You sink your face in your hands.
"It'll stay between you and I" They stroke your back. "But will you tell the father?"
"I don't know what I'm going to do." You mumble.
"Whatever decision to make, I'll support you." You hold onto their embrace.
You change into your clothes and leave the room mumbling a barely audible 'thank you', clinging to the walls to keep from collapsing. You roll across the wall, resting your head on your forearm. You're panting and sweating and your heart is lashing rabidly between your chest and your back.
Your dreams wreck before your eyes. The meaning you had given to your life disintegrates.
But what nags and hurts the most is that part of him is growing within you. A life you created together is burgeoning in your womb.
Levi, Levi, Levi.
Fuck.
There is no retaining wall to stop your tears.
You pace back and forth in your room, biting your nails to the nub.
Why it is so hard to hold on to a dream?
For many years, you never stopped believing and fighting. When you joined the Survey Corps you knew it was the place where you belonged. You met wonderful people, comrades and friends with whom you shared light, warmth, laughter, tears and grief. The moments of glory, and the most painful ones.
People come and go, but dreams remain.
And then you let yourself melt in the flame of desire. A night that snatched from your hands the things you cherish most: Him and them.
You feel yourself disappearing into your own body, losing yourself in an abyss.
"Good-bye"
There are no band aids or medicine to ease the pain induced by those seven letters.
*
It's nine weeks already since that night. Nine weeks which means you're still on time. Your foot is tapping against the floor, your eyes sauntering around. There're two rows of seats facing each other in the dim room; the intense smell of bleach floats in the air, and you already feel nauseated. A young girl is sitting in front of you. Her legs crossed at the ankles. She's leaning forwards, her hands gripping the edge of the wooden bench. Her face is hiding behind a cascade of brown hair.
The nurse opens the door few inches and calls a name. The girl stands up and disappears behind the door.
You fiddle with the hem of dress, now both feet tap against the floor. You take deep breaths, and pull at your collar. It's hot and your neck itches.
"First time. Isn’t it?"
You turn your head to the side and blink twice at the woman sitting next to you. She seems to be somewhere in her mid-thirties.
"The first time is the scariest." She tries to pull a smile. "This is my fourth," she sighs.
"Fourth?" Your eyes open wide and you want to slap yourself hard for such judging reaction. You lower your gaze, scratching the side of your head. And 'I'm sorry' seeps out of your lips.
Her smile doesn’t falter, though, but you can spot the bitterness in her eyes. "I don't want to be a mother, but my husband dreams with a big family. He doesn't allow me to use contraceptive methods."
You thread your fingers through your hair and take in a long drag of air. This is wrong.
You can't do this.
You stomp out of that place before the nurse calls your name.
*
Twelve weeks and the bump in your belly hardly notices. Your hand is shaking as your reaching the knob of his door. Your legs wobble and a cold sweat is scorching your back. You have to do this. You can't brood over it any longer. Levi deserves the truth, doesn't he? Maybe he'd know what to do. You need to get the lump out of your throat.
One, two, three. You twist the knob.
"No one taught you to knock."
You close the door behind you and take a deep breath.
"There's something I need to tell you." You say, making a huge effort so your voice doesn't falter.
He's flooded with paper work and doesn’t bother to look up.
Dropping the bomb does not sound like a good idea anymore.
Levi is waiting. He finally glances at you, rising a brow, and you can see that his patience is draining.
You tilt your head to the side, tugging the collar of your shirt. Suddenly, your mouth dries out and the lump in your throat swells. You open your mouth, but you can't speak.
"Did the cat bite your tongue?" Levi clicks his tongue and his eyes dart back to the report in his hand. "If you have nothing to say, just leave. I have to submit all this tomorrow morning," he huffs.
Levi doesn't know who is hurting the most right now. Each word that comes out of him scrapes his chest and mouth with barbed wire. It's for your own good. He has to keep you away for your own good. Levi is determined to cut the thread that binds you together, but he ignores that the cord is unbreakable.
You approach, removing the pin of the grenade. The delay material is burning.
His desk is the only object standing in the way. You tremble, your fists clench by your side, your nails are digging in your palms. You purse your lips into a thin line as your tears threaten to come out, but you fight them back with all the strength left in you.
Your eyes bore into his. Your breathing rags. Your chest feels stiff and heavy, you think you'd pass out. You hear the thumps of your heart.
The delay burns out and the detonator sets off.
"Tell me that night meant nothing to you!" You slam your hands on his desk. "Look me in the eye and tell me you felt nothing!"
Levi bites his lips. His jaw juts out. His enchanting grey eyes are piercing through your soul and you feel naked.
He opens his mouth, but immediately squeezes it shut.
"Good." You sweep your hair away from your face and turn the head to the side. "You're fucking unbelievable." You blurt and turn around and your tears finally swell in your eyes. Before you step out and without looking over your shoulder, you mutter, "Coward."
An 'I don't like you' could've been less painful than his silence.
The heart knows when something has come to an end, but it's stubborn and pretends to be blind, deaf and mute for fear of shattering into a million pieces, even when it knows that the blow is imminent.
You're shaking and your legs yield. You fall onto your knees covering your mouth with both hands as tears cascade down your face. As you break down in the middle of the corridor, you can't stop thinking about the future that lingers ahead. Even if it wrenches half your soul, you know exactly what you're going to do. The decision is made. You left behind the turning point several miles away.
It hurts, it hurts a lot. Like falling on a sea of thorns that tears your skin. It sucks that the person who made you feel special a minute ago, now makes you feel unwanted.
You don't waste time. Between tears and sobs, you pack your belongings and say goodbye to your room and office.
Erwin is taken aback, completely abashed when you drop the news of your resignation. You avoid the eye contact. If you tell the truth, he'll understand your decision, but you can't muster the courage to let the words come out of your mouth. If he finds out, eventually Levi would too. He'd get suspicious and you can't let it happen.
With a last hug, and a sea of tears in your eyes, you say goodbye to Erwin, and Hange and Moblit.
You return home, falling apart in your mother's arms. She doesn't say anything, she comforts you with caresses in your hair, and your favorite food and that's what you need now.
Helplessness, hit you when the colossal titan appears in Trost, and you witness how your city falls. Thanks to the Garrison and the new cadets, they manage to stop the invasion and evacuate the city on time.
A couple of months later, you and your mother return home.
The following weeks sum up in vomits, nausea, excessive pee, the craziest cravings, mom's embraces, frenzied weeping, a bulging belly, and maternity clothes.
Your legs are swollen and painful you barely have the energy to move. Your mother leaves the newspaper on the table before leaving for the market and with nothing else to do, you begin to turn the pages. Eren Yaeger, the boy who can transform into a titan, was taken under the wing of Levi and his squad. As you read his name in the newspaper, your heart skips a beat, and the paper crumples in your hands.
A month after, the Survey Corps embark on the 57th expedition facing an unprecedented enemy: the female titan. It ends in disaster. Countless soldiers lose their lives, among them, Levi's squad.
Then, the news of the death of Miche, Nanaba, Gelgar and Lynne tear your heart in two. Tears peek from your eyes as you caress your belly, wondering if you could've saved them. You feared that the bad news, grief and sadness that consumed you would inflict harm on the baby.
The sunlight slants through the window. You groggily wake up, rubbing your eyes, and stretch your body on the bed. A smile draws on your lips. Today it's going to be a good day.
You get off, and a splashing sound takes you by surprise when your feet meet the floor. Great. Stifling a yawn with your hand, you embark on the mission to fetch a mop. However, the glass of water resting on your nightstand is full to the brim. You glance down to your feet and your brows shoot upwards.
"MOM!" In a second, she's standing at your door."The baby" Panic rises within you. "The baby wants to come out."
Sweat pampers your face, your hair sticks in your forehead. Push. Oh! Walls, this is the worst pain ever. Push. If you ever see captain shorty again, you'd kill him. Push. You feel you're about to break apart. Push. You wish is his hand you are squeezing and not your mom's. Push.
The cries of a baby fuse with your screams, and you're relief that the torture ceases.
"Congratulations, Y/N." You hear the midwife saying as she cuts the umbilical cord and cleans up the baby. "It's a boy, a beautiful healthy boy." She swaddles him in a blanket and lays him in your arms. Tears swell in your eyes and you're trembling. This is the most precious moment in your life. You tug down the blanket under his chin to get a better look, and your mother drags a chair next to you.
"I'll be outside if you need me." The midwife says and leaves the room, and the three of you are finally alone.
You count his fingers and toes, and you chuckle as he yawns.
"He is so much prettier than you when you were born." Your mom teases.
You fake a glare at her and laugh.
Your eyes linger over his face and you didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the irony of fate. During the last few months, you were determined to forget him, but the stars conspired against you. A slap in the face from the universe. It wasn't only the thin black hair or the cute chubby cheeks. All you can see right now is Levi etched in every feature.
Damn dominant genes.
"Do you have a name in mind?"
"[S/N]." She smiles. "A beautiful name for a beautiful boy."
It's a bittersweet moment. You know you can't give him the home you dream of. Both parents raising him together.
All you know is that the splurges of love and tenderness will be infinite.
Part of you refuses to let him back into your life; the other wants to go out and fetch him, have him by your side, sharing the joy of being parents.
*
You sink in the couch and run your hands down your face. Being mother is exhausting and you can't slip your resignation letter under the door.
A heap of letters with the green wax seal of the Wings of Freedom rests on your coffee table. After the third one, you refuse to open them because reading them opens an old wound, like a scab you scrape off and the cut never heals. At least you acknowledge Erwin's persistence. Thanks to the Survey Corps and the Garrison, they were able to overthrow the former government. Historia was crowned as the new ruler, the pursuit of the Scouts halted and their popularity spiked.
The news spread fast.
Now, they are recruiting soldiers from all branches to join their ranks for the upcoming expedition.
You lie on the couch, strewing a blanket over your legs, and reached out for a cushion to place under your head.
A storm of 'what ifs' batters on your roof. What if you would have fought in Trost? What if you would have fought against the female titan, or the armored and the colossus titan? Would it have changed anything? Would your friends still be alive?
No. You can't sleep now. You uncover your legs and jump out of the coziness and warm. Something is nagging you and you have to put an end to it. You fetch a piece of paper and a quill and write back to Erwin.
Five days later, you meet up with brows at a tea house in Trost. In the letter you asked him to show up alone.
"Hey" you throw an apologetic smile as you sit down. "I'm sorry I'm late. I was helping mom in the flower shop."
He shakes his head, casting a smile. "I just arrive five minutes ago."
“It’s been a while.” You breathe, simpering.
You deeply appreciate he doesn't ask why you left in first place. The waiter takes your order and turns to leave. You lean forward, resting your shoulders on the table and prod your chin on your hands. After a brief catch up, Erwin gets to the point, and for a moment you regret sending the letter. Blue eyes bore into yours.
"The Survey Corps need you."
You chew the inside of your cheek as he explains the current situation and his strategy to return to Shiganshina. Now that Eren masters the hardening, plugging the hole in Wall Maria is almost a given. "Most of the soldiers who will embark on the mission have never seen a titan in their lives. They transferred from either the Garrison or the Military police."
You scrunch your nose and scratch your temple, kind of feeling sorry for them. Yeah, the situation is critical, and now you're caught between a rock and a hard place. Your heart is being pulled by opposite forces. You wish nothing more to go back to the ranks, to slaughter titans' napes, but you can't abandon your four-month child.
You close your eyes, nibbling on your lower lip, rubbing your hands on your thighs.
A long breath is dragged from your lungs. Your shoulders slump and you hold your palms in the air. "I have a child waiting for me at home, Erwin."
His funny eyes brows shoot upward. His lips part, and you avert the gaze, sucking your lower lip, your hands resting on the table.
"I'm sorry I didn’t tell you before. That's the reason I can't go back, not now. I… I don’t know what to do. Humanity needs me, my son needs me."
He casts a half smile and shakes his head, placing his hand on yours. "It's your decision, Y/N. Whatever you choose, I'll respect it."
"Thanks." One less burden to carry on your shoulders. "And please, don't mention it to anyone else."
He nods and smiles.
There's only one way out to all this.
You can't die.
*
As soon as you step into the headquarters, Hange almost squeezes you to death; lucky for you, Moblit shows up on time and stop them. You meet Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Sasha, Connie and Jean for the first time. They prepare a welcoming 'feast' for you on your first night that makes you yearn for your mother's cooking, yet you appreciate the nice gesture.
Hange locks with you in the lab and can't stop making questions about the baby. They want to meet him, but you're afraid they find out who the father is. It's obvious just by looking at him. Though, Hange is smart, and it's most likely they have their suspiciouns.
For the weeks previous to the expedition, you train hard, along with the new recruits to get back in shape, and to increase their chances of survival. You haven't made your decision yet, though. But you have to be ready for whatever comes. You attend meetings to discuss the arrangements, and only there, you swallow your anger and limit yourself to exchange more than two phrases with him. It hurts, though. But you're glad you're not alone. You're the last to arrive and the first to leave.
Nevertheless, you can't ignore the sadness painted all over his gaze as if part of his soul had been ripped out of him. You can't deny that seeing him like that makes your heart twist. Seeing the person you love sad makes you sad too. And therein lies the problem. Levi did hurt you, but what he did it's not what hurts the most. It hurts because of the feelings that lingers between the two of you. Without them, maybe, just maybe, it'd be easier to remove the thorn of your heart.
Fortunately for you, Levi seldom leaves his office since he is drowning in paperwork. Ten points for Erwin. You know what time he trains so you don't bump into him, and since you only work the mornings, you have your meals at home, plus you have Sundays off. You even asked Armin for the cleaning schedule to avoid running into grumpy, pants. On Saturdays Levi cleans the mess hall windows; on Tuesdays at 8am he supervises the cleaning duty at the stables; on Thursday mornings he checks the work in the men's bathrooms.
However, a week before the expedition, he goes off the script. You freeze as soon as you spot him in the hallway and slap your hands over your mouth. You feel the urge to turn around and run, but that'd be too pathetic, even for you. You shake your head and continue your way, praying to all deities that your heartbeat doesn’t echo across the corridor.
Lavender. He catches the smell of your shampoo, but he doesn’t turn around. His heart too, begins to pound as if its purpose is to jump out of his chest and run to yours. You watch him from the corner of your eyes. He is standing in front of the window, running a finger over the windowsill. He frowns at the layer of dust covering his fingertip and wipes it off with his handkerchief.
"Those brats don’t know how to do anything right," He grumbles under his breath, loud enough for his voice to reach your ears and dash straight to your core.
Even the dumbest things make you writhe when they come out of his mouth.
Right when you walk past behind him, Earth stops spinning, and you feel a jolt rippling from head to toe.
Levi is struck by the same feeling. He fights back the stupid impulse to go after you.
You both are doomed.
You make a strenuous effort to keep walking. To fight the urge to turn around and pounce into his arms, to kiss him, to tear his lips apart, to tell him that he's the father of your child.
Five days before the expedition.
"Mom, I promise [S/N] and I will be alright." It's the third time your mother opens the front door and turns back, placing her luggage on the floor.
"But–"
"You need to take a rest. Enjoy the weekend, have fun with your friends." You skimo kiss [S/N], then glance back to your mom with a warning look. "But don't drink too much."
"Are you sure, Y/N?" She asks with concern.
"We're not burning the house down in your absence." You roll your eyes. "Can you trust in us?"
"I trust him, not you."
Your jaw drops, and spin around. "You see," your address the baby in your arms, and fake cry. "Grandma is a meanie. She has no faith in me." You jut out your bottom lip.
"It's only two days mom." You turn around again. "So, you grab that luggage and get out of here before I literally kick you out."
Her shoulders sag and she surrenders. "Alright." She opens the door and looks back once more.
You lift [S/N]'s hand and wave goodbye. "We'll be good kids grandma." You said in a high-pitch voice, and he giggles. Your mother smiles and wave back.
"It's just you and I, little one. Do you have any plan in mind?" He yawns in response. "A nap sounds great."
You lay him in the cradle you bought for the living room, to have him close while you're cooking or cleaning. Besides, there's more space to play. [S/N] gives in to the gentle rocking and your soothing lullaby, and shortly after he succumbs to slumber.
You frown at the knocks on the door. You weren't expecting anyone.
Before reaching for the door, you roll your shoulders back and stretch your neck.
Who would've told you you need the highest dose of anesthesia to face what you're about to face?
You leave the chain tethered, but unlock the deadbolt and opened the door few inches.
Rather, you need an oxygen mask, because the air snaps out of your lungs in one second. Luckily for you he is looking in a different direction.
Fuck.
You slap a hand over your mouth and push the door close behind you. A sob breaks from your chest as your try to breathe through the pain and anger and fear. Why? Why is Levi standing on your porch? Why now? Now that you finally garnered the strength to move on. You slide down against the door, covering your ears, your eyes clamped shut, yet tears break through your lashes, spouting down your face.
"Oi! Y/N!" He is banging on your door and then baby cries fill the living room. The deafening noise stuns you; the earth quakes.
The knocking on the door ceases. Levi takes in a sharp breath and rests his palms on the wood. "Please, Y/N. Open the door. We need to talk." His voice is serene.
Now he wants to talk.
You walk toward the cradle in the living room and gently scoop [S/N] in your arms, resting his head on your shoulder.
"It's ok, it's ok. Mommy is here." You coo as you walk around with the baby, and his wailing gradually turns into sobs that soon falter. You plant a kiss on his head and your eyes land on the front door. You know it's time, it's been nagging you for a while; you know you can't no longer sit on it.
You're looking at him and his looking at you. Your heart is beating, but not out of rage or aching. It's love. That feeling never stopped flaring, and like a splinter in your chest, you want to chip it out. You don’t want to feel things for him.
Two wounded souls are standing in front of each other. You're only few inches apart. So close, yet so far. Both of you are so scared to move, to speak. You want to close the door and huddle in a corner and he wants to follow his steps back.
He is here.
Levi is here.
He's right here at your door.
Your breathing quickens and your legs are about to give up, yet, for the sake of [S/N], you keep your composure.
"Hey." You break the silence, your frantic brain trying to slow down. Levi doesn’t answer. He's stunned, wide eyes scoot from you to the baby back to you. A hurtful expression seizes his face, as though he's been stabbed with a rusty knife.
Confusion is drawn all over, still trying to process in his head the picture before him.
A baby? Your baby?
The puzzle pieces finally start to fall into place.
You step aside, but Levi doesn’t budge.
"Do you like my porch that much?" you huff. Levi shakes his head and steps in, closing the door behind him. There are toys and plushies and blankets scattered around the living room. "Did the cat bite your tongue?" Little snores resonate in your ear. [S/N] fell asleep on your chest, and you tuck him back in the cradle. You feel his eyes following each of your movements. He hasn’t shaken off the shock and you can't blame him. "Now you know why I quit. If you have nothing to say, then leave. I have a lot to do, so don't waste my time." You say, as you walk to the couch to fetch a teddy bear and settle it next to [S/N].
Pain lacerated his heart. What he wants most right now is to build a time machine and travel back to stop himself from acting like a jerk. He would never forgive himself for the damage he inflicted on the one person who had given him everything. He doesn’t have to ask, nor he needs to do quick math to know who the father is.
You nudge your chin at the door. "Let's talk outside, I don't want to wake him up."
An 'I'm sorry' would be the most stupid thing to say.
You stare at each other for a while and after letting out a sigh, Levi blurts, "I'm sorry."
You snort and roll the eyes, resting a hand on your hips. "you are fucking unbelievable."
"I don't know what else to say." Levi starts quivering in desperation and pain. His muscles tense as a bolt of sorrow blasts through him, dragging him to the verge of collapsing. Tears peek at the corners of his eyes. "Insult me, tell me I screwed up. That I hurt you, that you hate me and that you can't forgive me."
You take a step closer and jab a finger on his chest. Your rage-burning eyes bore into his. "Listen to me, you fucking asshole. Yes, you screwed it up. Yes, you motherfucking hurt me. You broke my heart into a zillion pieces, and now that I'm finally parching it up, you decide to come back. You don't know everything I went through since the day I found out I was pregnant. All the tears I shed, all the anguish I had to endure on my own. I didn’t even have a shoulder to cry on. I had to give up my dreams, Levi. Everything I worked hard for. I didn't want to raise this child on my own, and I tried to get rid of him. I wished he wasn't yours. Fuck, I wished I didn't have something that was half you growing inside of me." You spill it all and a strange sensation swathes you. You wipe your tears and spin around, dragging out a long breath, and rake your fingers through your hair. It's liberating to pour out the thoughts and feelings you'd bottled up all these months. The boulder you carried on your shoulders disintegrates.
You swivel around again to face him, and add, "As much as I'd like to, I don't hate you, Levi. I can't hate you. However, I'm still not sure whether I can forgive you."
"I'm…sorry." His voice cracks. "I know it's not enough, but I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Levi sniffles and finally succumbs. Your words wallop him like a horse kick. His shoulders hunch forwards as he presses the heels of his hands to his eyes, and tears spew out. His whole body shudders and his legs surrender.
Levi falls onto his knees, sobs tearing out of his chest. You cry too because you're hurting as much as he is, and kneel before him, wrapping your arms around him. You become a weeping mess, shipwrecking in a sea of tears. It's the first time you see Levi crying. His mask falling apart.
You cradle his head to your shoulder and press a kiss on his forehead. You both cry until you there's no more tears left to shed; until it physically hurts.
Levi sits next to you on the couch, leaning forward, his elbows resting on his thighs, and his fingers entwined. His red, swollen eyes are fixed on the wooden floor. You pick at your nails, tapping your foot.
Levi is still quiet. He drags in a sharp breath and leans back. He tilts his head backward, and covers his eyes under the crook of his arm.
"Do you have a lump of shit for brain? Against all odds, you still want to venture on that hellish mission?" Chagrin and dismay envelop his voice. He takes a peek from under his arm. "You can't go, Y/N."
You frown.
He drops his arm and turns the head to the side. His broken eyes are nailed to yours and you can see the pain and sorrow flashing in his face. You don't argue back. Every word whips your heart, but he's right and you deserve the scolding. "He can't grow up without his mother." He groans, pressing his hands to his eyes. "I mean, what if–"
"Don't say it."
You know what he means. You can see it in his eyes: a motherless boy, alone, frightened, and famished, huddle in a corner of a filthy, dark room.
For a second you become the little girl with the big, dreaming eyes, who walks hand in hand with her mother, making her way through the crowd. The chains rattle and the door to the unknown world rises. You seek your father among the dejected faces of the soldiers, you can't wait to hug him, to welcome him home. But your smile fades and the world crumbles. Your heart smashes the walls of your chest and a lump seizes your throat. You recognize it, the bracelet around the soldier's wrist dangling over the end of the cart. You crafted it yourself. A present for your dad for his last birthday. You know the face of the soldier wrapped in the blood-stained blanket. A sharp pain twists your guts. Your head is throbbing and your legs are shaking. Suddenly, the world turns black. You collapse.
You gaze up, then close your eyes and take a deep breath. "The Survey Corps is my life, Levi." You pause and turn the head towards the cradle where the baby soundly sleeps. "I know it's thoughtless, and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself, but I have to do it."
"Does Erwin know? Did he know, yet asked you to join us?" Levi tenses with rage and smack a fist on the couch.
"Hange knows too."
Right, shitty-glasses. Levi growls.
"They don’t know who the father is, though."
"Are you going on this mission?"
You don’t reply.
Levi feels like tying you up to your bed and lock you in your room with two guards flanking the door until his return. He'd probably break your legs too. You're dangerous and he needs to take all the precautions.
His hand rests next to yours, and he deliberately brings it closer, watching carefully your reaction. As if your skin has memory on its own, the fleeting brush of his pinky finger is enough to awake the delightful sensations his fingers tips had carved in your flesh. A shiver ruffles from your hand straight to your heart, igniting every cell on its way. Your body stiffens and he drags his hand away.
He proves what you fear the most, that your feelings for him still burn with the same intensity. You don’t choose whom to love. How could you? Love strikes you like a lightning bolt and knocks you out in the middle of a field of sunflowers.
Levi stands up, and stretches his arms over his head before heading to the kitchen. Your eyes follow him. You can hear the water sizzling down, filling a metallic pot.
Those tiny babbles and lip trills reach your ears and a smile blooms in your lips. You walk over to the cradle and rock it side to side, until those innocent, gray eyes meet yours.
“Hi, my handsome prince." [S/N] yawns, stretching his arms and kicking his legs. You reach out for a duck shaped hanging rattle toy and bring it close to his arms, waggling it up and down. In between giggles he tries to grab it, with claps and tiny fists.
You're playing peekaboo, and exchanging funny noises you don't hear the kettle whistle nor Levi's steps approaching. Levi put the tray with steamy cups of tea on the coffee table and hesitantly walk towards you.
Big gray eyes dart in his direction. Levi is standing by your side. You turn your head towards him, and the corners of your mouth rise. He's utterly hypnotized; he can't take his eyes off of his child.
His child.
"He betrayed me." You rest your hands on your hips and sigh. "I carried him in my womb for nine months and he came just like you. That’s not fair." You pinch the toddler's cheek.
"Life's not fair." Levi grips the crib rail, scrunching his nose and making funny faces. "What's the name?"
"[S/N]." You look back to the baby who is making grabby hands and casting toothless smiles at Levi. You purse your lips. "I haven't registered the birth, though."
Levi gulps and opens his mouth to speak, but regrets it.
"Do you want to hold him?"
Levi stares at you and nods.
You slide a hand under the baby's head, the other under his bottoms and scoop him up, bringing him to your chest and cradle him in your arms. "Hey, I want you to meet someone."
Levi mimics the position of your arms and you pass [S/N] off to him. "[S/N], this is Levi," you murmur. "He's…" you rise your eyes locking them with Levi's and he nods. "He's your dad."
He can't describe what it feels like to hold his son in his arms. Warm tingles swamp his chest, overwhelmed with a mix of joy, love, and pride. He can't believe he created with you something so innocent and pure and fragile, his blood is running through his veins. Levi battles with himself to relax; he's afraid to hurt [S/N] or break him. A tear rolls down his cheek, his quivering lips struggle to pull out a smile.
For a brief moment, you can visualize the family you dream of for your child. Levi meets your eyes and whispers, "I'm proud of you." He then lowers his gaze, "You'd better not giving a hard time to your mother."
[S/N] replies with babbles and giggles.
Suddenly, the living room is dank with an unpleasant smell. You drag your nose close to [S/N] and sniffle, pinching your nostrils shut and turning your head away.
Levi frowns and scrunches his nose. "You stinky little brat."
"Let's go upstairs. The changing table is in his room."
Levi follows you.
You lean on your shoulder against the door frame, arms folded on your chest and legs crossed at the ankles. A smile plastered on your face as you watch Levi changing the diaper. He disposes the yucky cloth into a bucket to be washed later and draws out a clean one from a drawer. You're amazed by how skilled he is in this field, like he's a natural. Once he's done, he brings his mouth to [S/N]'s belly and blows raspberries on his tummy.
After breastfeeding [S/N] and drinking your cold tea, you're curled up on your bed, facing each other, while your bundle of joy is asleep in the middle. His hand is wrapped around your index finger.
Levi curls an arm under the pillow, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before meeting your gaze. "He's five months old, Y/N. Why haven't you registered his birth?" The question doesn't take you by surprise.
You take in a sharp breath. "Because I didn’t want to leave the father's information in blank." You glance at your trapped finger. "Part of me refused to give up on you." You look back at him. "Listen, Levi. I can't pluck you out from his life, and I can't pluck him out of yours. It's your choice, and I won't oblige you to do anything you don't want to." You exhale and avert your gaze. "And, about you and I, I don't want to give you fake hopes."
Levi strokes your cheek with the back of his hand, before resting his warm palm on your face. Your eyes are locked. A dry, intense heartbeat pummels you, taking your breath away. The tingling and heat in your cheeks intensifies. You feel like a sixteen-year-old victim of her hormones and the magic of first love. You're so weak for him that with a single touch of his hand your body surrenders. Nonetheless, you had left the teenage years behind a long ago; you are no longer the young girl enlisting in the military to get to know the sea, but an adult with responsibilities and a child to raise. You have to make up your mind.
"Ackerman," he breaths.
"Uh? Ackerman?" You rise a brow.
"That’s my last name. I found out recently." He tucks your hair behind your ear. "I want him to carry it."
Levi wipes the misty line of tears forming under your eyes. Your jaw quivers, and words get stuck in your throat. The room is quiet, except for the baby snores dangling in the air. The silences between you doesn't feel awkward anymore. You gently pry your finger from [S/N]'s grasp.
"Levi."
"Uh?"
"I think I deserve the truth." Your eyes dart around, then land on his. He perceives what's coming next, the question you're setting in the cannon. Your heart is thrumming. You moisten your lips and continue, "why were you avoiding me?"
Levi’s mouth part, his lower lip trembles. He rubs a hand down his face and scratches his nose. "Because…" he glances at the baby, then back at you, and exhales. "Because I was falling in love with you."
Your glossy eyes widen, confusion, sadness, pain flash across your face. Someone is cutting your chest open and ripping your heart, your eyes clouded by the tears that uncontrollably spew out.
A vine with thorns imprisons his heart, and he's bleeding out too.
You nuzzle your face in the pillow to muffle your sobs, before accidentally waking up [S/N].
"You were right. I'm a coward." He rolls on his back, folding his arms under his head.
When calm enfolds you, you shuffle onto your side again. Your eyes linger along his forehead, his nose, his lips, chin and neck. The resemblance with [S/N] is quite scary. You clear your throat and spit the question that’s been bugging your head. "Did you already smash on the ground? Did you regret it?"
He shakes his head, and a corner of his lips quirks up. Levi turns the head to the side, meeting your face and says, “I'll never stop falling, Y/N. It's a bottomless abyss.”
Hiii a bit of a sad request here feel free to skip this if you don't feel comfortable writing it!
Tw: drinking and mention of death
Levi and the reader have a daughter and they lost her to the fall of wall Maria (or so they thought ).
she was visiting her grandmother for the week when it happened and she managed to survive because of a fellow soldier who put her on the boat with every other survivor, but unfortunately her grandma did not survive (Carla Jaeger style).
When Levi and reader hear the news they rush to the reader's mothers house only to find it destroyed with no signs of life.
They're devastated, rightfully so, and they try their hardest to find her but three years go by with no avail
Levi starts drinking his loss away while reader does everything in her power to keep their marriage together and strong
And it wasn't until Hanji got the list of new cadets joining the scouts that they found out she was alive :))
So basically angsty with a fluffy ending<3
Hi anon!!! Thanks for this request!!! It took me a while to figure out the timeline to make it fit in canonverse 😳 I like writing (and reading) sad stuff, so it's ok, I don't feel uncomfortable with it.
TW: Drinking, mentions of death, angst, coarse language, teenage pregnancy, attempts of sexual assault, mentions of abortion, a lovely super soft, non-explicit smutty scene, poor emotional management.
WC: 10.5k
Unconditional love, dreams to fulfill, a home, you couldn't have it all at the same time, and despite the adversities and headwinds, Levi and you come out of the disaster unscathed; however, happiness only lasts an instant, preparing you to take it all away. One Saturday afternoon, your lives crumble along Wall Maria.
It is rather strange and complicated to tell a story that has so much of you in it without your soul riving a little.
Fighting against oneself is so exhausting. And he is an expert.
You get caught in a swarm of ‘what ifs?’ What if we had been there when the wall fell? What if we’d chosen to stay? What if that boulder didn’t crush the house?
Your minds take you back to that moment when everything changed. To that fateful instant. Whether you are asleep or awake, it doesn't matter because you have long since lost the ability to distinguish between memories and nightmares.
And since that day, everything has gone downhill. You strove blindly to pull him out of the abyss, not realizing that he was the one dragging you to the bottom.
'How much pain do you have to endure before giving up is ok?’ You ponder.
You cannot help someone who is not willing to help themself. The thought stabs your head with a screwdriver. You can’t let go. The rope slashes your palms, they burn, and yet, you tighten your grip. Sweat streams down, mingling with your tears. You don't even know what hurts more, the lacerating pain in your hands, or the whips in your heart as you watch him drown in his own grief.
The silver glow slices the shadows on his face. His eyes are open, dull and soulless with unfathomable emotion. Red, glassy, swollen. Blood creeps down the neck of the bottle throttled in his grasp. The other hand is clenched in a fist, dry blood flecked on his knuckles. Slouched against the wall, with one leg tucked in and the other stretched out, Levi vacantly stares at you.
He knows he’s ruined it for good this time.
And on the other side of the desolate ring that your living room had become, lies you. Your trembling arms tense around your legs, chin nestled on your knees. Eyes worn out; face stained with wilted tears.
Crumbs of concrete scatter at your right side. The wreckage kindled by his rage is still coming off the wall in the form of a shower of dust. At your left, shards of glass glint on the dewy crimson of cheap wine.
“I lost my daughter too, Levi.” Your voice is a limp whisper that scrapes his ears and heart.
How to fix a person who has broken down? How to put their parts back together when the stitches of your heart are about to snap?
“I can't take it anymore.” You break the silence again. You can't even tell if he's listening or if your words are just bouncing off the walls. But you can't bottle it up anymore. You have the right to crumble too. Pretending to be tough when your knees wobble is a trigger for a civil war in your heart.
We cling so fervently to those who are gone that we forget about those who are still alive.
"Hold on to your past if you want to, but don't forget that the world is too big to be alone.”
And no one deserves to be alone. But the glass is cracking, and water leaks through the gaps. Too many you can’t plug them up with your fingers, and if you stay, the force of the water will wipe out the two of you.
You close your eyes, and a long sniff appeases your throe. A seedling of serenity struggles to flourish midst the blighted soil of affliction.
The lump in his throat swells with every ‘I’m sorry’ he can’t wrench out; with every ‘please don’t leave me alone’ hoping it’s not too late.
You stared down at your flayed palms, and a respite surges through you. The rope slips through your fingers, and for a moment you don’t have to be strong, for a moment you feel free, and then you see him between your hands. Falling, lost and desperate.
Your hands clutch around the rope again, and tears from the reservoir swell up in your eyes.
“Levi.” A wistful smile peeks out from you. It’s weak, but it’s there, and he catches it. “Do you remember how we met?”
A fleecy snort bursts out from him, lugging with it the ghost of a smile. “Yeah.” He presses the heel of his hand on his forehead and shakes his head, letting out the pent-up air in a long sigh, sweeping away demons and ghosts that impeded him from seeing or thinking clearly.
His gaze tangles with yours. “Chitterlings.” Your whispers fuse.
As odd as it sounds, your story begins with chitterlings.
“You struck me as the dumbest, most naïve, quirkiest girl I'd ever met. Easy prey. Who the fuck goes to the underground city for a plate of chitterlings?”
“I eavesdropped the cooks once.” You shrug. “They swore they were the best. I had to judge for myself.”
“No one warned you that a woman walking alone always draws unwanted attention? that you shouldn't look anyone in the eye? that you should keep your mouth shut?” His hand lets go of what remained of the bottle. A searing pain flares in his palm, nothing compared to the nettles squeezing his heart. The addictive blur begins to fade, clearing up his mind.
The alcohol had puffed out his cheeks.
He’ll never admit it out loud, but you were also the girl with the most beautiful smile. Maybe, the red creeping across his face is owing to something else.
"The first thing I did was greet the tollbooth guy with an effusive good morning. How was I supposed to know? no one at home knew where I was going that day.”
“You seriously redefined the word foolish.”
“Ouch.” You fake a pout, splaying a hand on your chest. “I’d rather believe it was destiny, Levi.”
“You and the urge to romanticize everything.”
“I like to believe that a solar eclipse are the moon and the sun loving.”
“Romanticizing every phenomenon is a luxury I could never afford, not in the place where I come from.”
“And I grew up in a bubble, Levi. I was so immature and whimsical, and I never thought how cruel the world could be outside my little kingdom.”
*
834
You never imagined how immense the underground city could be. You rushed downstairs, clinching at the hem of your dress, playing brave under prying and hungry eyes. Sweat trickled down your face, and you could feel the beats of your heart hammering in your ears. Your scalp prickled, as a surge of adrenaline pumped through your body.
A cloud of dust revolted around your feet when you leaped off the last step. The city where dawn never breaks unfolded before you, stretching to infinity. Fear and regret gnawed at your insides, a pang that spreads like a wave to the tip of your fingers and toes.
You sucked in a long breath, lowered your head and wrapped your arms around yourself, fending off the unseemingly stares and turning a deaf ear to the ribald insinuations. You could feel those eyes drilling into you.
Your stomach content sloshed around, threatening to slam back through your throat at the stench of sewage, growing stronger with every step you took.
You crumpled your gullible plan to ask for directions to the market. The putrid smell was making you dizzy, sapping your alertness. Sauntering along the convoluted streets and swimming in your own thoughts, you didn't realize at what point the jumble of voices and drunken shouting dissipated.
A dead-end.
A bolt of terror struck you, and your heart threatened to breach out of your chest. The streetlamps flickered, giving life to the shadows on the walls. Your brain was sending signals to your legs, but they didn’t comply, it was like your feet had grown roots in the ground. And suddenly, a grinding pain exploded in your cheek, smearing to the rest of your face. A sharp tip stung your neck. With enough pressure to iterate that the threat was real, but not enough to slit your skin. The man’s body constrained you against the wall. A smug snort smoldered the side of your head.
Your breath hitched. All the color drained from your face. Any flimsy move and life would gush out from your neck.
A hand sneaked under your skirt, and a whine of panic wrung out of you. A shush behind your ear forced you to purse your lips into a thin line. Dread paralyzed you as tears streamed down your face.
“Hey!” A third person's footsteps rumbled on the soil. Calloused fingers wiped away your tears. “How could you waste such an opportunity?” The voice was gravelly. “If she is a virgin, we would get a lot for her. Then we could use her as we please.”
His fingers gripped your chin and turned your face to him. “Don't worry, you're safe for now.” A grim smirk strained his cheeks. A thick scar splat in two one of his eyebrows.
Your quivering lips parted to plead, but panic shackled you from coaxing any word. You clamp your eyes so tight you could see sparks behind your lids. In a trice, the knife fell, and you were free.
Clashes of metal, groans and wails of pain.
Silence reigned.
“Oi!” A hand grabbed yours, winding up your body, and finally, your legs responded to your commands. You opened your eyes and followed the new stranger. Unsure of what you were getting into this time, you only had the option to trust him. You only grasped his profile, silky locks of hair swept over his undercut. “Keep walking and don’t look at anyone in the eye,” he berated, and you nod, gazing down to your tangled hands.
From the shock of your life, you had lost your appetite. Though you didn't waste your time and energy going to the Underground.
*
"My nana once told me that if you are able to walk with someone you barely know in silence and manage to feel good, comfortable and almost complete, it means that there is something there. That we just have to water it, be patient and let it grow. Before you, I had walked aimlessly with several guys, but with you it was different, Levi. With you it wasn't necessary to talk to tell each other a myriad of things. I was at ease with you without even knowing you. Your expression relaxed when you caught me smiling at you. When you grabbed my hand, I felt a spark. A red thread lacing around our fingers.”
“Your hand was so smooth as if you’d never washed a dish in your life.”
"You must have felt something else, like a rush straight to the heart." Your chuckle lights up the gloomy room.
Levi clicks his tongue and rolls the eyes.
“I don't know if it was love at first sight, or a blast of endorphins surging through my veins, but I did feel a tingle all over my body when your eyes met mine.” You gaze down to your hands, fiddling with the golden bracelet. “I can still feel it when you look at me.” Blushing like a teenager, you smile at him. “I remember we arrived at the market, and I finally had a few minutes to breathe. I told you my name and asked for yours. I wanted to put a name to the person who saved my life.”
“I liked the way you said my name. It’d been many years since someone had uttered it so gently.”
“And I love how you rasp mine.” Your eyelids droop. “My stomach growled again, and we ended up sharing a plate of chitterlings. Well, I ate while you just watched me with furrowed brows.”
“And with your greasy thumb you smoothed down the creases.”
“Sorry ‘bout that.”
You both snort.
“You talked and talked and talked for hours. I wasn't even paying attention to what you were saying, I was just listening to your voice.” He says.
“I didn't feel time was passing by so fast. It could’ve been because it was always nighttime, or maybe because I felt comfortable with you, and I was looking for a way to lengthen the minutes.” You look at the ceiling and scratch an itch on your neck, then your eyes snap back at him. “I didn’t want to go, Levi.”
“And I didn’t want you to go.”
“But I had to go home before somebody noticed my absence. You walked me back to the stairs, and all the way through, my fingers were aching to touch yours.”
“Before you said goodbye, you gave me your necklace and said–“
“Now I'll have a reason to see you again.” You reenact the scene.
“When?”
“The last Friday of every month.”
“I went home kicking a can with my hands jammed in my pockets. The sharp tips of the star pendant dug into my palm, and I clenched my fist tighter to make sure you were real.” He runs his fingers through his hair and shakes his head. “Farlan bandaged my hand.”
"I wanted to know everything about you. Your favorite book. Your favorite food. Your dreams. Your favorite sleeping position. Who you lived with. Or your opinion on any trivial topic that might cross my mind. I spent my nights thinking of all the questions I’d ask you the next time.”
You fold your arms over your knees and bury your face. Your cheeks tingle by the reminiscent of those days.
“Look at me.”
You raise your eyes and find his.
“I waited at the bottom of the stairs all day, feeling like an idiot. At times, I came to think that it had only been a game of a whimsical rich girl.”
“I saw you, gazing down, scuffing a boot on the dirt. I reached out to you first cause I thought you wouldn't recognize me under the coat and hat. That time I borrowed clothes from my brother.”
Levi stretches out his other leg and shifts up into a more comfortable position. He looks so battered, tired, hopeless; however, he manages to cajole a feeble smile, and continues, “It wasn't hard to spend time with you, although it was disconcerting. I hardly knew you. The only thing I knew was your favorite food. Yet I felt this strange sense that I knew you on a more intimate level. I didn't know I could feel that way. It was new to me, mind-blowing and devastating. You snuck in without asking permission, you held on tight, and I didn't know what to do. Every time you climbed the stairs, I was afraid I would never see you again.” A string of giggles pours out from you, and Levi frowns. A tch seeps out of his lips.
You cover your mouth to suffocate your tittering. “I’m sorry. It’s the first time I hear you talking like that.”
“Keep mocking and it will be the last time!”
“No!” You zip your lips and throw the key away. “I want to hear you, Levi. Please.”
He averts his gaze, flustered, tugging at the collar of his t-shirt. Undressing the heart is not easy for someone who feels too much. “I found you without looking for you, you were lice itching in my head all day.”
Levi can be romantic when he sets his mind to it.
His body slumps, and he sighs. His heart beating with relentlessness. "With you I felt nothing but relief, solace for having someone by my side who didn't question my actions, my decisions, you accepted me just the way I was. I felt safe and assured. With you I could let my guard down and let myself go."
“Levi…” Your gaze softens, and you feel the urge to sit by his side and draw him into your arms. Your eyes close and tears pour down your face. The outrage in his face, his unwavering fist. You push your tongue against your teeth to keep from falling apart. Your hands still tremble, your chest hot and tight. You inhale raggedly to lull your nerves. It was just the alcohol. Levi would never hurt you. You were pushing too much.
Your gaze enmeshes with his again. "I wanted to spend my whole life figuring you out. You were an expert at hiding, Levi. It frightened me that the world wouldn't see all you had to offer. Because it was so much, beautiful, and special. there was little you could do down there, but above ground, you could leave your print in others.”
Scratching a brow, Levi gazes down. "I’m sure you had never put on a button on a shirt, but you knew how to mend the wounds of the heart.” His blushing deepens when his eyes ensnare with yours.
Your heart was thumping as loud as it did the day you met. Apprehension thaws, and a little smile graces your lips.
“You, you were so beautiful... you didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve someone like me. I still think you don't deserve what we are. I'm only good for hurting you.”
You want to listen to him, everything he has to say, to drink his words woven of feelings because for him, spewing them out scourges his throat and mouth. Even though it hurts, that’s the only way he can pluck out the thorn from his heart.
Stripping in this way is only for the bravest souls.
All that he never told you was squeezing him so tight he was about to combust, but he was able to defuse the bomb before the countdown reached zero.
He resumes. "It was Isabel's idea to invite you to dinner at our place."
His voice takes you back, the fizzing in your fingers wane, and a brief flicker of a smile slips from your lips.
You had been seeing each other furtively for almost a year when Levi invited you to his place for dinner. The poor boy was a nervous wreck. He couldn't keep his hands to himself and avoided looking you in the eye as he slurred his words.
*
834
He was rubbing a hand behind his head. His mouth opened to speak but closed again as he tried to put the words together. You cocked your head to the side, your hands tethered behind your back, as you rock on your heels, waiting.
“Are you ok, Levi?”
Rubbing his sweaty palms on his pants, he dragged out a big puff of air and blurted, “Have dinner with us next time.”
Your eyes beamed. “You mean–“
“Yeah… they want to meet you.”
Happiness fluttered in your heart. White speckles glinted in your eyes, and you smiled, throwing your arms around him. Levi wobbled, but he managed to grab hold of the wall before, as a tangle of bodies, you ended up rolling down the stairs. You nab his hand and drag him to behind a wall with exposed brickwork on the verge of collapse.
You stopped and locked eyes for a moment that seemed like forever. You could feel each other's shaky breathing, your hearts echoing.
“I want to kiss you, Levi.”
His heart lurched to his throat.
He yearned it too.
He dedicated his nights wondering what your lips tasted like.
Suddenly, a heap of doubts whacked him.
What if this is wrong?
What if this hurts us?
Would we regret it?
Your name escaped from his mouth as your eyes darted from his dull gaze to his lips, back to his eyes. Your cheeks were searing and his too, his heat suffused your palms.
You pressed his forehead against his, the tip of his nose stumbled with yours. A nervous laugh, a timid simper. You moistened your lips, his warmth breath fanned over them. Levi wasn’t sure of what to do with his hands. Quavering, clenched into fists by his sides as he pondered whether to touch you or keep his distance.
His hands didn’t move.
He closed his eyes. A supple brush of lips was enough to stop time. You reeled apart briefly, clamped your eyes shut, and sought his mouth again with more confidence, nibbing his bottom lip.
A sluice of tingles rippled down his legs. His guts. In everything that kept him together.
Tremor. Balance. Vertigo.
His lips were surprisingly tender, moving with caution, a little bit clumsily, as if he was still figuring out what to do. You weren’t an expert either, but the most experienced one, and took the lead. You swept your tongue and parted his lips, and sloppily, you besieged his mouth, pulling out a little moan from him.
You felt an itching on the tip of your tongue.
Your hands.
Your belly.
Between your legs grew an uncontrollable heat that made you feel ashamed.
Your tongues danced gawkily together as your hands roam down his chest, caressed his shoulders and glided down his arms until your fingers interlaced with his.
Slow, klutzy and sweet.
That was your first kiss.
It was perfect.
You turned around and ran away, too flustered to look back at him.
“I’ll bring dessert,” it’s all he heard as his eyes riveted on your back.
Levi stood there, flummoxed, touching his glossy lips with his fingers until his stinky world redrew its edges before him.
Befuddled and driven by inertia, his legs dragged him back home. He couldn’t take his fingers of his lips. A tickle on his cheeks. Warmth spread under his pants.
Levi did not have a normal childhood. Forced to grow up at a very young age, he witnessed death and the unbridled cruelty of the human being. He had learned to fight in order to survive every day. Yet he was just a sixteen-year-old boy subjected by his raging hormones who had kissed the girl with the prettiest smile. The girl who had built a nest in his head.
He let her build it.
He craned his head over his shoulder.
What if he ran to you and kissed you again? What if you threw yourself against his chest, wrapped your legs around his hips and never let go? He wanted you to. He had never needed anything so badly. His hands itched to touch you. And his heart had never felt anything like it.
He couldn’t recognize himself anymore.
Arousing and terrifying.
*
Farlan smiled at the sight of you together, laughing, searching each other's eyes, sharing something, alien to your surroundings, observing the peculiar mix that resulted from the two of you.
It didn’t make sense. You didn’t make sense. How do you mix water and oil?
By emulsifying it.
But Levi was happy. Flustered, skittish. A side of Levi he’d never seen before. It was amusing. And he shared his friend's joy. But he was also afraid that Levi would end up with a bruised heart. While Isabel cleaned her plate with bread and asked questions of all kinds to their guest, Farlan only thought about how such a relationship could last. Levi didn't belong in your world, and you belonged even less in his.
. But he knew Levi so well. He knew he wasn't just messing around with you.
That troubled him even more.
So much happiness could only be a bad omen. Putting everything in your hands to rip it off in the most merciless way.
“And what do you want to do when you grow up?” Isabel prodded.
“Uh…” You hesitated. “I want to join the Survey Corps.”
Three pair of eyes stared at you, muddled.
“But if you join the military, how will you marry big bro?”
An awkward silence hovered over. You clear your throat with a long swig of wine. Levi was gazing a blank point on the wall. And Farlan feared more than ever because Levi was clinging to something that seemed impossible. He harrumphed, and the chair screeched. “Oi!” He ruffled Isabel’s hair to which the girl whined because she had spent hours brushing it to make it look decent. “Help me with the plates for dessert.”
Surly, with her arms folded over her chest, she followed him.
“The Survey Corps?” Levi cast a query look. “Since when?”
“Since I was a little girl, Levi.”
“You never told me.”
“You never asked.” And realization dawned. Captivated by the new sensations you awoke in him, Levi forgot the important questions.
He knew that what he felt for you was beyond desire.
Love, he was scared to label it.
But life doesn’t spin around love. Life is more than that. Personal fulfillment. Dreams to be achieved. Falling down and getting up a thousand times.
How do you know all that when you are bereft of dreams? When all you fight for is to earn the next meal and keep a roof over your head?
Levi began to falter.
He found your hand under the table and held on to it. Your fingers fitted together as if you were made for each other.
Life was so unfair. To take away from him what he loved most. He could not allow it.
Even though he was aware that it wasn't up to him alone.
*
“Won’t you get in trouble if you stay?”
You shook your head. “My parents think I’m staying at my cousin’s.” You smiled playfully, swinging your head as your draw feathery circles on his cotton-clad shoulder. You kissed him, pulled away, teasingly, and he chased you, and you smack his lips again. His fingers threaded with yours. You were sitting at the edge of his bed. Incensed infused his room. A single bed, a nightstand, a desk, a small reach-in closet with everything perfectly arrayed by color and size.
“Levi…” You rasped the syllables of his name in a whisper. “I want to touch you.” You bit your bottom lip.
How beautiful were the teenage Levi's eyes, lively, frightening, sharp, intelligent. His gaze tensed as he processed your words, and then softened. You wanted to kiss his eyelids. His nose. The base of his throat. The little scar he'd gotten on his chin while working. You'd only ever kissed him on the lips and were already berating yourself for wasting so much time not knowing what it would be like to use your lips on every nook and cranny of his skin.
Levi’s chest swelled up, he closed his eyes and blew out his wrecking nerves. He nodded and nuzzled his face in the crook of your neck, sucking in the sweetness of your perfume. You lolled your head to the side, and your hand slipped over his pants. A soft moan vibrated on your pulse; Levi jerked when he felt you prodding his hardness. He pulled apart, a hiss swept off his lips, and his fingers curled around your wrist. “How far you want to go?”
“I want you all, Levi.”
Your eyes were veiled with need and so were his. You were carried away by the ardor in your cores. One by one you undid the buttons of his shirt.
A swarm of butterflies seized your stomach.
Fervor. Vertigo.
You turned around and flung your hair over your shoulder. His hands, that never hesitated when wielding a knife, were reed in the wind as he tugged at the end of the lace that kept your dress together, loosened it; his palms searing your skin as they ventured beneath the panels, and cleaved them open slowly.
FuckShitFuckShit.
As he peeled the sleeves off your arms, his lips pampered your naked shoulders, his fingertips skimmed your skin like feathers, breaking goosebumps on every inch. He could feel your breath hitching, your heart banging between your chest and your back.
“I’ve never done this, Levi.”
“Me neither.”
You took his hands in yours and brought them to your chest. Shit, he was straining under his pants, the bulge nudged against your butt. “Touch me.” You closed your eyes and leaned on his chest, letting him continue alone. Little by little, he was discovering your favorite places, the ones that made you vibrate. Out of embarrassment, perhaps, you tried to muffle your moans, your fingers pierced your thighs over the skirt, squirming, your eyebrows twitched.
“I want to hear you.” He crooned in your ear and pinched harder.
Your pretty sounds enveloped you.
Levi was the first to strip completely naked. Sitting in the middle of the bed, he let you discover him with your hands and mouth. You had never seen one before, but Levi was pretty.
You kissed a lot and giggled too, as you taught and learned each other. Scars crept over his flesh, most of them so fine, barely noticeable under the flicking glow of the candle.
You read them several times, you wanted to know every story behind them.
One blink, and you were beneath him, completely naked, with red cheeks about to burst, while Levi just watched you, studying your face for traces of regret. His hair tickled your forehead.
His knees parted your legs making you feel exposed and vulnerable. But you trusted him. Levi would never hurt you. He was a nervous wreck too; he just knew how to camouflage them better. He stroked your cheek. Without breaking the eye contact, you nodded, took his face in your hands, and brought him to you, pressing your lips on his.
He concentrated on not bursting as soon as your heat enveloped him, not an easy task when all his blood was rushing down.
He was sweet, tender, and patient.
Although it also hurt, and his sheets stained with blood.
*
“It was the first time I slept six hours straight. I didn’t want to let you go, Y/N. I was determined to get the fuck out of that shithole. I even wondered if they would welcome a former thug into the military. If you wanted to fight titans, we would do it together.”
"And we did, not exactly as you had planned, but it happened after several twists and turns along the way." You fiddle with the star shaped pendant hanging around your neck.
"The following Friday I waited for you, but you didn't show up. I spent four weeks tormenting myself, thinking I had ruined everything.”
“It was already eight weeks when I mustered the courage to tell you.”
“You kept picking your cuticles, they bled. We were in my room, sitting on my bed, facing each other. You wouldn't stop crying, and my mind was racing trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Nothing fit, and I was upset, not because I was going to be a father, but because I didn't want that baby to be born in a place like that. And then you mumbled those words that whipped out my heart.”
It’s only eight weeks, Levi, we still have time to get rid of the problem.
He closes his eyes and buries his face in his hands, the saltiness stings his wounds. His heart shrinks. Iron wire throttles his neck as he obliges to grasp the crumbs of air. His wracking sobs slap you, yet you don’t move to console him in an embrace, to patch him up after you broke him. You recoil in your corner, witnessing how he disintegrates in the salt of his tears.
He stops heaving, draws in air, and runs his fingers through his hair, shaking his head.
“You don't know how much your words hurt me. I don't know if in your world girls are used to getting rid of their mistakes like a dress out of season.”
“Son of a–“ You purse your lips into a thin line and look away. Resentment splashes all over your face. You clench your jaw so tight you feel your teeth might break.
“Go on, say it.” His chin wobbles, his eyes are shattered crystal. But you can’t. Instead, another wave of tears crashes over you. “Who knows how many times she heard that too…” You cover your ears to protect yourself from the harrowing wails.
The earth rattles, and a chasm split between the two.
“I’m sorry, Levi.” Your voice choked with sobs. “But I was terrified. Devastated. To continue meant I'd lose my home, my family, even my name. To give up a dream.”
No matter how much you reformulated your plans, neither of you would get everything you wanted. Not at that moment.
You communicated through letters during the last months of pregnancy. Levi, though he was dying to have you near him, had to repel any risk of infection or accident. You moved to a little house outside Mitras with your nanny who made sure you received the best care. From time to time, your mother visited; your father didn’t want to hear from you. Neither did your brother. Your family left you out of the will.
Your belly grew and grew, and the baby began to kick. A lot. What were you expecting if it was Levi's baby you were carrying in your womb?
It wasn’t a happy pregnancy. It wasn’t a beautiful, pleasant journey. You barely left your room and hardly ate. The subtlest smell of food was enough to revolt your stomach, and your throat burned from vomiting to the bone. You lost weight, and not even several layers of concealer could cover the dark circles under your eyes. You got used to seeing in the mirror a puffy-eyed you after weeping nights.
You had your doubts of whether or not you were doing the right thing
And it hurt. He should’ve been there with you, his hand entwined with yours, stroking your belly. Thinking of names and the decoration of the room. Picking up clothes. Levi calling them brat already.
It is so unfair that those who rule your world put a seal on the foreheads of those who are born in that place. A seal that deprives them of any rights, even to feel the warmth of the sun caressing their faces.
The leaves turned red and orange and yellow, the branches of the trees stripped naked, and the temperature dropped drastically.
Violet was born on an autumn day. Only when her piercing wail broke through the room, the tauten grip clutching your mother’s hand loosened up. Ebony specks of hair covered her little head. Tiny nose and round cheeks. You counted her fingers and toes. Five on each hand and foot. Your little bundle of love and joy. She was so pretty you couldn't take your eyes off her. You and your mother laughed at the funny little noises coming from her lips. You can’t put into words what you felt when holding the baby in your arms for the first time, but the heap of doubts, little by little, dwindled.
Every week you sent Levi letters with Violet’s handprints and footprints that he still treasures in a chest at the back of the closet. Although you were dying to see him, Violet was too little, and you were still recovering to venture into the Underground City.
Six months passed before Levi met her.
Levi felt restored and full again when he held his baby girl in his arms for the first time. His eyes glistened, but he wiped off the seedling of tears before they roam down his face. Joy bubbled up inside of him as those big steel-gray eyes beamed at him. Violet wound up his heart and gave him a reason to fight every day.
He fell in love for the second time, and a bond was created. A bond that could not be broken. Even with what happened years later.
“You had a knack for fatherhood, Levi. We agreed that you would see her on weekends. She never let go of you, or you of her. She used to fall asleep on your chest. You bathed her, changed her diapers, combed her hair. You’d pinch the rolls on her arms and legs as if to make sure she was growing up healthy. She would burst out laughing when daddy blew raspberries on her tummy. She began to learn your gestures and mannerisms. Every day she became more and more like you, and not only physically. She imitated your scowls, grabbed her wooden cups like you. I never told you I was summoned to school because of her potty-mouth.”
Rubbing a hand on his thigh, Levi snorts.
“Dad always uses them, and no one scolds him, she said. I wanted the seat to swallow me.”
“That’s why she got suspended for three days.”
“She was reckless and fearless, and never thought of the consequences because…”
Levi shakes his head. Your lips quiver, and the words clog in your throat like a bush of thorns.
…Dad will always protect me.
“I never asked you why you wanted to join the Survey Corps?” Levi deviates the topic.
“As childish as it sounds, I want to see the ocean. I want to feel sand on my soles. I read about it in one of Dad's old books.”
“I was so angry when you made your decision, how could you abandon our five-year-old daughter.” Levi purses his lips and inhales.
“I did not abandon her. Mom would take care of her.” You gulp “The decision had been made many years ago, I was just putting it off. For love not everything counts; not if you devote yourself to the point that you become an empty shell. I had you, I had her. But for the first time I was my priority even if nobody understood it.” His fingers curl around the pendant. He bores into you, his eyes prickle with tears.
“She spent weeks molding those charms in clay. Some of them broke, but she insisted until she was satisfied.”
*
843
Wood crackled on the fireplace, Violet’s round face awash in the flickering orange glow. The bed of old newspapers protected the maple flooring of your mother’s house.
"Why doesn't Dad live with us?"
Your grip tautened. A twinge spread venom on your chest.
She wore an old dress that once belonged to you on top of a thick wool sweater, dappled with crusts of clay. She rubs the back of her hand on her forehead, slathering herself with the hellish sticky material.
You put the book down. “He can’t right now, but one day he will.”
“When?”
“I don’t know, Vi…”
“Do you think he’ll like it?” She turned around. Two necklaces dangled from her fingers; a proud smile strained her cheeks to her eyes.
You smiled back. “He’ll love it.” She’d crafted two identical pendants, the letters VI carved on each once. “Let’s put it in the oven.” You set the book on the coffee table and stretched your arms over your head.
“I’ll show them to grandma!” She chirped and rushed to the kitchen.
Vi. The syllable they shared.
It was a birthday present for Levi. The last one you celebrated in the Underground City.
*
844
Colors bloomed again in the gardens and parks. A cloud or two rolled in a cerulean sky. Laughter and cheers drifted from the playground as nannies watched heedfully for the children of their employers.
You had received an unsigned letter a few days earlier asking to meet the sender in the central park of Mitras, at ten bells, on the bench in front of the duck pond, under the old oak tree.
“Dad!” Violet let go of your hand and ran into his arms. Your eyes swam with tears as you waited for your turn. His arms draped around your waist, your hands swaddled his cheeks, and you kissed him, or he kissed you. And the vertigo, again, surged through you, seizing your legs and your balance.
“Ewwww.” Wrinkled nose, hands pressed on her stomach.
You pulled apart, chuckling.
“Turn around.” Levi swirled a finger in the air. The mini him swiveled on her heels, pouting, arms crossed over her chest. Reality blurred when your lips fused with his once more.
You ambled in the park for a couple of hours before lunch, hand in hand, and the serenity, which for years had been foreign, returned. “Congratulations, Y/N.” His thumb caressed the back of your hand. “Sixth in your class. We must celebrate.”
“Thank you, Levi, but chitterlings here are not as good as there.”
He cracked a chuckle. Violet was walking before you, in a bright red dress with a bow tied on her back around her waist, puffy sleeves cinched around her wrists. Her hair pulled back in a ponytail, swung from side to side with every little jump she took. her patent leather shoes flashing a glint in the sunlight. Rice drizzled around her, beckoning pigeons.
The clop of hooves and rattling of wheels wafted from the main street. Tree leaves rustled, the fresh breeze caressed his face, ruffled his hair, roiled the excess of his oversized shirt.
“How?”
“I made a deal.” One corner of his lips curved in a strained smile. He grabbed your arm, stopping you, and you stood before him. He tucked a lock of hair behind your ear. “You'll have to teach me how to ride a horse.”
Your head tipped slightly to the side; your eyebrows furrowed. “What are you talking about?” “We can go tomorrow to pick up our uniforms together.”
You shook your head, babbling nonsense, trying to make sense of his words.
“But… you…what…when…” Levi cut you with a kiss before you continued your way to nowhere.
Your hands sizzled with bliss, excitement; finally, the gears of your life were clicking into place.
Though, he saved part of the story for himself.
“We could talk with your mother, ask her if she’s willing to move to Shiganshina.”
Your father had died a few years ago, and your mother could not be apart from her favorite granddaughter. “I’m sure she will. And we could save to buy our own place.” You leaned in for a kiss.
He reels back, his fingers fondling your arm, and smiled. “Sounds… great.”
Levi squints his eyes, snaps his face away, and shades his eyes with a hand. His nose and cheeks crept with a shade of pink.
Levi brushed away the yellow petals from the bench before sitting down, flower buds stippled on the freshly mown grass. You curled against his chest, your legs swung on his lap, and his arm wrapped around your waist. “You’re a pretty boy, Levi.” You purred, pinching his cheek. He frowned and flustered and snapped your hand away.
“Don’t call me that.” He clicked his tongue, and you couldn’t help but laugh. You took his hand, brought it to your mouth and pressed a kiss on his knuckles. Scars, small and thin, outlined new stories.
*
845
“…and they lived happy ever after.” You flipped the last page. “The end.” Violet stirred under the covers, hugging tightly Mr. Whiskers, a stuffed rabbit with a head twice the size of his body. He had lost his right eye, and Levi pinned on a gray button to replace it.
You and Levi lay on your sides, facing each other, head propped on your elbow; Violet had settled in her safe space between the two.
"Are you all packed for the week?" Levi queried, planting a kiss on her head.
“Uh-huh, and Mr. Whiskers too.” You and Levi had rented an apartment, your own place; however, Violet spent most of her time at her grandmother's, who made the best oatmeal cookies in the world.
“Must you go on the expedition tomorrow?” She mumbled, lowering her eyebrows, lips pressed into a line. Wariness flashed across her eyes. Levi and you exchanged wary glances. You sucked on your lower lip while Levi’s fingers mingled in her hair.
“We'll be back Sunday morning before you wake up. A stack of pancakes will be waiting for you.”
“Just don’t be a pain in the ass to your grandmother.”
You kicked Levi under the sheets and gave him a deathly glare.
Round gray eyes flicked from Levi to you to Levi. “Can you sleep with me tonight?” Fiddling, with her necklace, she asked. And you couldn’t say no to those puppy eyes that frustrated your intimacy plans.
Levi’s eyes twitched as he squelched a tch. Wincing, you shrugged and mouthed ‘I’m sorry.’
And as best as you could, the three nestled into a single bed.
Next morning, your back pain sank into a groan.
You said goodbye to your mother with a hug and to Violet with a kiss on the cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
*
Crestfallen and with dozens of casualties, the Survey Corps returned to Shiganshina sooner than expected. Contempt, disdain smeared on the citizens faces. Defeated, the soldiers still standing were to head to Mitras to deliver reports. However, the unthinkable happened. That afternoon, as shadows stretched from the west over the city, Wall Maria fell.
The news quickly spread, and when they reached your ears, blood froze in your veins. Your body went numb, and all the voices converged in a deafening whistle.
You did not recognize the city that was crumbling before you. The smoke made the air thicker, the desperate screams threatened to break your eardrums, the reek of blood was turning your stomach. A small hand stiffed under a wall, clenching a rag doll.
Against the throng, you made it through, steered the debris until you reached your mother's house. A pile of stones rose on its place.
You dismounted. The horses neighed in fear. You didn’t tether them to anything; they were free to escape at any time, yet they didn’t.
Terror clenched Levi’s jaw. Muted with horror and heaving, he was tucking in all the dread. You could see it in his eyes, the same expression that laced him when Isabel and Farlan died.
His mouth swarmed with the taste of iron, dulled to pain, he didn’t feel his teeth drilling into his lips. The edges of reality warped, his legs rooted to the floor. He was shaking violently, swallowing the tears that heaped behind his eyes.
He suppressed a shiver and took one step. And another and another. Only one wall remained standing.
Panic twisted in your guts. Your wobbly legs moved too, and you followed him to what was left of the threshold.
You fell onto your knees, drowning your face in your hands. Rushed breaths racked down, scourging your throat and depriving you of oxygen. Your muscles tensed, your hands couldn’t stop trembling.
Levi stood in the middle of where the living room once sprawled, eyes empty, his body eerily still. He gazed down and moved a slab wood off the way. Jagged pants harrowed him when he found Mr. Whiskers, his filling belching out from his belly.
He bent down, grabbed it, and squeezed it in his arms. Tears swelled in his eyes, fogging the world.
His little girl.
The shield of numbness crept over.
With the remnant of strength, he staggered to the wall, and finally his feet gave out. His knees hit the floor. He tried to stay firm, for both, but in a finger snap, it drained all out of him... his defenses plummeted, and the claws of trepidation took over. They assaulted him, bombing him with images of Violet sleeping on his chest, of Violet holding his hand while sauntering through the market stalls, of Violet and him having tea parties in the living room, of Violet waiting for him with her arms open, of his little girl calling him papa...
His head fell backward, and all the tears he struggled against crashed back like a deluge. With his heart in his fist, he begged in silence for this to be the most dreadful nightmare. Wake up, wake up, wake up, he barked to himself. And he opened his eyes, wrecked by the pain that shouted to him that it was real.
Huddled in a corner, you foundered too. Your hands covered your mouth, and that evening, you cried until there weren’t more tears to shed. Your mother and your daughter, torn away from you in one finger snap.
You and Levi shattered in that dreary place as the world spun.
With no bodies to bury, you built a small shrine in the living room of your new home in Trost.
Home.
It never felt like one.
Not without her.
Not without your Levi.
Driven by a smidge of hope, you looked for her in shelters and orphanages unsuccessfully. No one answered to the name Violet (L/N).
Days, weeks, months unwound from the unstoppable spool of time. The Levi you had fallen in love with got lost behind lackluster eyes. An abyss, black and bottomless, swallowed him. Every day more irritable than ever. His side of the bed remained untouched. He let his mind wandered among the stack of reports to be signed and unburdened his anger and impotence during the training sessions with the new recruits. And you, behind, picking up the shattered glasses, holding strong for both of you.
*
848-850
"Levi, you can't go on like this."
Seething, his eyes pierced through you. Hands clenched on his thighs to keep from splintering. Pure restraint. That was Levi holding back his grief, letting it consume him, flaying him alive, calcining him from inside. He would vent his pain by hurting others with words. And he didn't mean to, he just didn't know any other way to handle his emotions.
“Fuck off, Y/N!” He barks, making you lurch back. Rattled eyes opened wide, glistening, quivering. Levi had never raised his voice to you, but he didn’t back up. Blue ink blotched the document, and grunting, he set the quill on the holder. “Leave me alone.” He rubs a hand down his face.
Nibbling your cheek, you nodded, and turned around. Levi didn’t stop you, he limited himself to watch you. You were right, but he wasn’t ready to admit it.
You slammed the door close behind you, the rumble rippled down the corridor. Startled eyes and whispers followed you until you disappeared around the corner.
Was it worth to keep fighting for this relationship? Nothing tied you to him anymore.
Slapping a hand on your mouth, you sniffed your tears down your throat. Your back slipped down against the wall as your chest rose and fell with ragged breathes. You shook your head, tossing away those poisonous thoughts. You’ve chosen Levi because you loved him. Even if you were riding on a bumpy road, you still loved him. Seeing him like this, sinking in his own mourning stabbed your chest with a serrated knife. Yes, you loved him, but he wasn’t being fair. You had lost your child too, and your mother.
Why couldn't you be stronger? You had to be for both.
You thought the situation wouldn’t turn worse, but nothing prepared you for the twists that awaited you ahead. The roads convoluted into dead ends. Dread thundered down on you when you felt your cheek strained against the bricked wall, but this time Levi wouldn’t come to save you.
Wine, whiskey, rum. Empty bottles toppled down on the table when you arrived home one Saturday evening. You found him at the dining table, his head tucked on his stretched-out arm, the silver chain drooping from his hand. A half-empty bottle of cheap malbec swirled in the other one.
“You look… good.” Levi nudged in a sandpapery whisper. His eyes dawdled your silhouette. “That’s a new dress, isn’t it?”
“Was on sale at the market.” You uttered unabashedly.
“You know I love you.”
“That’s a great way to show it, Levi.”
“You’re so beautiful.”
“And you’re a loser. Look at you.” The creases on your forehead deepened. You twitched your mouth, sucking on your lower lip.
“I lost my daughter.”
“You’re being selfish, Levi.”
He closed his eyes; drunk in the way you still coat his name with honey.
“They took her away from me.” His words ground through his teeth. Your shook your head, fists tautened by your sides. This was the bottom of the pit, and you had let him drag you too. Your heels clanked on the wood, firm and determined, as you headed to the kitchen and fetched a bag from the bag of bags.
More than ten bottles clinked one on top of the other. Grassy, woody, fruity notes clouded the room. Levi had found refuge in drink. You've known it for a long time, but out of sight, out of mind. Alcohol never hampered his job, always alert, always in his five senses. No matter how diluted his blood was in ethanol, it was not enough to forget. And that was the worst thing. He started with a bottle, and you couldn’t oppose. Then, you found more crammed in his side of his closet; you couldn’t fight him either. You weren’t strong enough. Sometimes, out of respect for you and his home, he drowned his sorrows in the bar at the end of the street. At least he never embarrassed you, never got into fights, always came home in the wee hours of the morning.
He'd snuggle under the sheets in his street clothes that reeked of alcohol, slide down the sleeve of your nightgown. His breath would brush your bare shoulder as his bold hand would seek you under the cotton weave, and though your body would react to his touch, you’d refuse. Because it wasn't fair.
By caressing the inside of your thighs or cupping your breasts, he would try to convince you. You’d feel his erection growing, straining the small of your back.
You’d stop his hand, hesitating, and then would turn around and succumb to his tarnished charm.
Alcohol was his means to cope, sex had become yours.
But today was the straw that broke the camel's back.
“Go take a shower, Levi.”
Silence. Painful silence.
“Sometimes I get the feeling that you didn't love her as much as I did.”
Fuck. You had enough.
The bottles wreck inside the bag.
You grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and exploded, “You're a motherfucking son of a bitch. How you fucking dare!”
A stinging pain blast on his cheek with the shape of your palm.
“Then why…“ he slurred. “Why do you insist on forgetting her?” His eyes flicked to you.
“Carry on doesn’t mean forgetting.” You spat. Tears shimmered in your eyes.
His gaze flashed with rage, indignation, pain. Now it was him gripping and twisting the collar of your dress. His chin quivered. Levi scrambled on his feet and clutched tighter; he was the one shoving you against that wall.
“Le…” Your fingers anchored to his hand, but he didn’t budge. No. He moved forward, without taking his eyes off yours. Bright red, you thought they would pop. Then, the wall hit your back and the battering of your heart pounded in your temples. You squirmed, trying to extricate from him. “Please…” You cried. The claws of fear raked the chalkboard of your nerves. His warred feelings slathered his face in a deep red, small blood vessels drew spiders on his cheeks; an important vein throbbed down his temple. A tendon jutted out of his neck, too stiff you thought it’d snap.
You couldn’t read his eyes. Levi wasn’t there.
The bottle yielded to his menacing clasp. Fragments of glass scattered at your feet. Levi didn’t even wince; however, he released you. Compressed between the wall and his chest, you stiffened, afraid that the sightliest motion would trigger him. Heaving, he raised his hand and brought it near your face, froze for a handful of seconds, hesitating, closed it into a fist and retrieved.
He didn’t deserve to touch you; he didn’t deserve you at all.
Ire, shame and guilt merged into his fist. You saw it coming and shut your eyes, shivering, bracing for it. The blow made the whole house rumble, or so you felt.
Levi crouched and grabbed the neck of the bottle, squeezing, until the pricking pain of the shards encroached the burning pain of his knuckles.
When you opened them, Levi was trudging away across the room.
Your gazes met again, hurt, broken, hopeless as you both slumped to the floor.
Hours passed in a deafening silence.
“I lost my daughter too…”
“What are you doing?”
You kneel before him, and latch open the first aid kit. “Taking care of you, of course.”
He doesn’t flinch, he doesn't whine as you dab the peroxide-soaked cotton ball on his battered knuckles. “Are you sure you didn’t fracture them?” You raised a brow.
“I’m alright.”
“You don’t seem alright to me.” You wrap his wounds in gauze. “The other one.” And with all the patience in the world, armed with a pair of eyebrow tweezers, you begin to pluck out the pieces of glass embedded in his palm.
“I’m sorry, Y/N.” He spews. He knows you deserve more than an ‘I'm sorry’, but he doesn't know where to start.
Fighting the undeniable fact that nothing will ever be the same again is exhausting. Because the things that have happened cannot be changed, no matter how much you dream over and over again, that you go back to that moment. To the exact point where your little kingdom fell apart.
*
"You seriously don't remember anything before that day?" Big green eyes stared at her perplexed.
Vi shakes her head. “Not even my name. The doctor says that there’s still a chance that the memories will come back in time, but each day I lose faith.”
That day, Violet managed to escape, leaving her grandmother behind when a wall crushed her legs. With her face soaked in tears, and her heart jackhammering in her ribcage, a sudden rush of stamina dashed through her bestowing on her a power she had never experienced before. Unstoppable, invincible. She ran down the street until something knocked her out, and everything went black.
Her face contorted in pain when the hard bed lanced her spine. Groggily, she opened her eyes, flinching as the unfamiliar surroundings unfurled before her. Shins, calves, white shoes hustling from side to side. Babies cried. Men hissed. Women comforted. Downcast faces. It took her a while to recognize her whereabouts. The hospital, overflowed. She rested on a mat in a hectic corridor. Next to her a man on a rickety chair with an IV in his arm hummed a tune, his fingers rapped at the rhythm against the armrest. The bag with clear liquid hung from a nail in the wall above his head. Green, purple and black blended on a bruise on one side of his forehead.
“Hey, little bean.” He smiled warmly at her. “I’m glad you’re awake.”
Violet sat up, wincing at the pounding in her head. She glanced around, then looked at the man.
She said nothing.
She didn’t know what to say.
“I’m Arthur. What’s your name?”
“I’m… uh… I’m…” She gulped, and her eyes went round. Panic wrung her guts as tears streamed down her face. “I don’t know.” She wrenched out in a whisper.
“What about Vi?” he pointed to her chest. She gazed down and took the pendant in her palm.
Vi. Two years later she signed in the Training Corps under the name Vi. Just Vi.
*
“Miche, you have to believe me!!” Hange’s hands carve through their hair, clenching for a second. “That new recruit looks exact the same as Levi.”
The big guy rolls his eyes and sighs. “I believed you the first time.”
“Do you think shorty would have…?” They curl their thumb and forefinger under their chin, lines creep between their eyebrows.
“Hange…” His forehead puckered.
“Alright, alright.” They toss their hands in the air.
“Didn’t they have a daughter?”
“Yeah, though I never met her. Levi and Y/N hardly talked about their life outside the Headquarters.” They scratch their forehead and let out a sigh. “Levi never recovered from their loss.”
“The new recruits will arrive today, right?”
“Yeah…” Hange clasps their hands together, their eyes covered by the glint of their lenses.
“Oi! Shitty-glasses!”
“Levi!” Their excitement twists into concern when they spot the ravenette’s bandaged hands.
“What happened?”
“Are you ok?” Miche pats Levi’s shoulder and squeezes.
“I’m good.”
The main yard stirs up with noises.
“They’re here!” The brunette squeals and sprints to the window; Miche followed. They turned around so abruptly that something slipped out of the scientist’s pocket. Levi takes it from the floor. It was a piece of paper, folded in four. A sudden urge drives him, and he spreads it out.
A list with names.
His eyes roamed over each one, until they stopped dead in their tracks on a monosyllable name.
Vi.
He squints, pads to the window, and harrumphs. “Oi! Do you have more information on this Vi?” He points.
“Oh!” Hange pats their empty pocket. “Thanks.” They pry the list from Levi and secures it in the pocket inside their jacket. “The files of each are in Erwin's office. We don't know much about her, though. According to medical records, after Shiganshina's fall, a blow to the head caused her amnesia, and even after five years, she can remember very little.”
Levi looks out of the window too. New faces brimming with naïveté and expectations. “Out of those brats, can you tell who Vi is?” Levi demands.
“Why so–“
“Just answer!” Levi snaps. Miche frowns at him.
“That one.” Hange points out. “The one with black hair and…“ They turn their head to Levi, but he was long gone.
Captain Levi weave through the bunch of new recruits, the weight of their beaming eyes anchors to his back. He makes his way to the stables. His heart beating with frenzy. It’s been five years, Levi. It could be a coincidence. He tells himself.
He stops, runs his fingers through his hair and thinks. He thinks of a way to approach without being a creep. A horse has chosen her already, and she’s bonding with her new companion, feeding them a carrot.
He regrets not telling you. Shit, you’d handle this better than him.
Levi shoves his hands into his pockets so no one else can see them shaking and resumes his way.
A cold shiver runs down his spine. He opens his mouth to talk and clamps it again. There’s still time to swivel on his boots and run away.
He muzzles a cough in his fist.
“You know how to saddle her?”
The girl jars and spins around, baffled steel-gray eyes mirror his own.
“Captain Levi!”
It can’t be a coincidence; she can’t be a coincidence. Levi crosses one leg before the other to keep his balance.
“I… I didn’t mean to startle you.” His eyes dart around as he scratches his temple.
Simpering, she shakes her head. “It’s ok. Uh…” Damn. She uses the same fillers. “Could you help me with the cinch?”
“Uh-huh.”
Her long braids fling over her shoulders when she turns around. “What happened to your hands?”
“Domestic accident.”
She doesn't buy it.
He squints tracing with his eyes the lighter tissue creeping at the side of her head.
“What about you?”
“You mean this?” She traces the scar with her fingers. “Don’t know. It was the day Wall Maria fell. Something hit me, I guess.” She shrugs.
The straps slip from his fingers, but she catches them midair and hand them to him.
He couldn’t do this alone. Shit, he needs you. He swelters under his clothes and, it's only grazing the beginnings of summer. The leaves of the trees stir, the torn blanket of white clouds safeguards you from the sun's rays.
Levi doesn’t know what else to say.
And the, he catches a glimpse of it. His eyes snap open so wide they threaten to pop out and fall onto the manure. He gapes, his chest puffing and compressing frenziedly. This is too much for him to handle.
“Are you alright?”
He nods several times, unable to utter a word.
“I…” He swallows the knot in his throat and tosses a quivering thumb over his shoulder. “I… need to finish…”
“Levi!”
The other horses raise their heads to you. Levi closes his eyes, his Adam’s apple bobs.
“Hey, I finally find–“ The tray clashes on the floor, the cookies propelled in all directions, cracking or cushioning on horse shit.
Your jaw splinters open, and your eyes bulge. Rattled breaths roil you, and you cover your mouth with a palm to smother your shock
She had reached Levi's height, and her body had changed, some parts became wider while others had trimmed down.
“Violet…” Your voice warbles with emotion. Frost expands through your core and into your chest, stealing your breath away. Your muscles numb and your knees buckle as you back away, but Levi grabs you before you pounce onto the floor.
"Violet?" The teenage girl blinks twice, her head tilts to the side. She steers around her horse to approach you two and spots it, the pendant peeking out under Levi's jacket. A gasp. She halts, and leer back. Her mouth falls open, and her thin black eyebrows rise. Her skin tingles, refusing to believe what she's seen. "Why?" She folds an arm against her stomach, shaking her head in denial. Her voice wavers. "Why... you...?" She points at him, and Levi's gaze settles on his chest.
"I... You..." He takes the pendant in his hand, fumbling, his words choke him as he tries to pull them out.
"You crafted them both." You get back on your feet. Your chest hitches, yet you continue. "For your dad's birthday." Your voice quavers as a flood of tears consume your eyes.
Violet sidles up to Levi apprehensively, as if you were both figments of her imagination. He doesn't budge, indeed, he doesn't even flinch. He lets her get closer, and closer. "I want to see it." Levi nods, takes the necklace off and hands it to her. She compares them, tracing her thumbs on the carving. Tears glisten in her eyes, turning them into moonstones that flick between the two of you. "I... Violet. Is it my name?"
"You really don't remember?" Levi furrows his brows as his heart chips like his old mug.
She sniffles, covers her eyes with her arm and shakes her head. "Just fragments."
"Can you tell us what you remember?" your eyes soften as you wrap your arms around her, and she pours her heart out on you, while you stroke her back like when she was a little girl and cried to see daddy.
She calms down, and still curled on your chest, she mumbles. "Lavender, the smell of freshly baked cookies, a place where the sun didn't rise, walks in a park, lullaby that goes like this." She clears her throat to sing in a shaky voice. "Goodnight, my angel, now it's time to dream–"
"And dream how wonderful your life will be." That's the only fragment Levi remembers too, of course he didn't carry the tune as sweet and cooing as She did. He blinks away his tears and winds his arms around you; to you, asking you to forgive him for all the agony he wrought on you over the past five years, for all you put up with to keep the relationship afloat and move on with your lives, for staying strong when he flagged. You, his first love, the silly girl who loves the chitterlings at the Underground City Market. To Violet, his little girl, with whom he shares more than a syllable, a 'welcome home.'
Thank you so much for reading!!!
Now, since you've reached the bottom, I want you to know that down here I'll be posting drabbles set after this fic. Just Levi, Reader and Violet getting back together.
tw: SMUT, MDNI, Oral!male receiving, vaginal penetration, prostate stimulation, prostate orgasm, milking, subby!Levi, mild language (It's Levi so...)
wc: 2900
Just Y/N worshipping Levi's pretty dick (because Levi deserves the best orgasms)
“Relax, my Honeybun, tonight is all about you.” You cooed, slipping his shirt off his arms and tossing it away to join the hill of your clothes piling on the floor. The breeze that wafted into the room caressed your skin like a silken veil. You were completely naked, kneeling by his side, buttocks resting on your heels. Your messy hair framed your face and made you look like a goddess, with plump, juicy lips and radiant skin.
Levi drank your image, letting his favorite drug intoxicate him. With you he could let his guard down and let himself be carried away by the sensations your body evoked in his.
You were the tea in the morning, you were the stars and the moon. You were mulled wine on a winter night. You were a cinnamon roll fresh out of the oven; a saunter through the sunflower fields. You were all the pretty things in the world, and though he felt a fool to think of such corny things; what could he do to face a smitten heart that had surrendered to you?
Your fingers roamed over his perfectly-sculpted torso, impelling his muscles to shudder under your dazzling touch as if for the first time. There were things that would never change. You bit your lower lip, eyes flickering with greed and love as your scorching touches burned his flesh like molten caramel. A painful, luscious torture.
“You’re so beautiful,” you uttered. Your gaze met his and you flashed him a naughty smile. He could see the craving in your eyes, as if he were a chocolate filled with caramel that you were about to devour.
And yes, you would savor every bite.
His fingers brushed your temple as he tucked your hair behind your ear, but an unruly lock refused. He curled it around his finger, twiddling idly as he held your dull gaze. A fleeting touch was all he needed to send jolts of lust down your center. You were soaking wet with desire, desire for him. Your body ached to take him all.
You were like a tracker exploring his body for gold. Mapping his skin. Folding his arms beneath his head; he put up no resistance to the looting. He was all yours.
Your incessant hands descended, stroking that masculine V, that pointed down to what you cherished the most, disappearing under his briefs. His head lulled from side to side, as he hummed, his eyes sketching your features. When Levi felt your fingers anchored in the elastic, he lifted his hips, and with one swift movement, you tugged his bottoms down. Whisking his thick, solid thighs, you continued slipping off that meddlesome piece of fabric. Once tangled at his feet, he kicked it off the bed.
His beautiful cock bounced free from its confinements, the pinkish, throbbing head skimming lightly on his lower belly. With your thumb and your forefinger, you peel down the supple skin that encased his hardness, eliciting a breathy moan from him. The tip of your tongue lingers over your lips as you leaned closer to your trophy, planting a delicate kiss on the café-au-lait freckle-like spot beneath his shaft.
“I want to pamper this pretty cock.” You purred, nuzzling your cheek against his length, pressing gentle kisses on the base and his balls.
“You like– Ah!” A gasp meandered out of his mouth as you swept your tongue over the tip. “You like it that much, don’t you?”
“Mm-hmm” Your mouth hovered the head, and you exhaled, letting your warm breath enfold him. Levi moaned, and his muscles clenched.
You wrapped your hand around it; glanced at him, then back at it, smirking. “It makes me happy,” You rubbed the glistening tip over your face, then moistened it with your tongue and prodded lightly the tiny hole with your thumb. The mattress sank between his legs as you settled your elbow, and you propped your head on your hand. “You’re just extra that comes with it.”
“And you’re a fucking hole with nice tits and pretty eyes.” He retorted, amusement tugging up one corner of his lips.
You blanked your eyes, and squeezed him tighter, tearing out a sweet moan from him. “You’re so romantic, Levi.” You blurted, shaking your head, and let go off him.
“Did I offend you, sweetheart? I try to be polite with you, but you make it difficult for me.” He reached out and ruffled your hair. You seized his hand and sat up, swinging a leg over his hips and straddled him, hunching forward until your breath fanned over his mouth. Your hands plunged onto the quilt on either side of his face.
“Now am I at fault?” You raised a brow.
His warm hand found your face, stroking fondly your cheek. “You make me go out of control,” he muttered.
“Don’t inhibit yourself, then.” You brushed your fingertips over his nose and traced the bridge up to his brows. Levi closed his eyes and you continued to draw his eyebrows, and cheeks, the curve of his lips and chin. He smiled and looked up at you.
“You know what I want?”
“What?”
“Fucking you until you forget your name, and you’re dying for me. I want to look at your face as you come, and kiss you on the lips, dying for you.” His sultry voice rippled from your ears down to your core, unleashing a whirlwind of desire that swirled vehemently between your legs.
“You should be a poet.” Your breath whisked over his mouth, and you caught his lips in a honeyed, fugacious kiss.
“They’d cancelled me.”
“Romance is overrated. Getting fucked against the wall has its charm.”
“That suits me better.” He looked at you with a lopsided smile plastered on his face, casting that cheeky halo that made your stomach shrink. "If we could reincarnate into something, I'd like us to be cats, to spend seven lifetimes with you."
“You don’t even believe in that... but we could cuddle and purr, and eat until we get chubby, and fuck... and so on every day. That’d be a great life." Your lips traced a ticklish path of kisses along his jawline, nibbling on his earlobe; your agitated breathing reverberated in his ear, pricking up the tiny hairs on his nape. You assaulted his neck with caresses, nipping and sucking that spot that vibrated with his racing pulse, your teeth faintly sinking into his heated flesh; his breath whooshing out of his parted lips in staggered puffs.
You continued your way down, running your tongue on his collarbones, leaving wet kisses on his sternum and beset his nipples, assaulting one in your mouth while tweaking the other hardened, teeny bud between your fingers. You rolled your hips against him, your slick folds gliding smoothly over his length, dousing it in your arousal. Your clit rejoiced in the bristling friction his purplish throbbing veins educed, and all your blood surged hot through you, garnering in your aching nub, causing it to swell in need.
Between gasps and pants, a lewd moan wrung out of his lips, composing a harmonic melody with your own mellow sounds.
His eyes were shut; mouth slacked opened.
You crawled down, whining at the dwindling sensation, and kneeled between his legs.
His muscles quivered under your mouth as you strode down to his navel, a velvety billow of heat roiled throughout his core. You swept your tongue along the trail of hair that stretched from his pelvis, thwarting up to his belly button.
Through the drowsiness, his eyes drifted to you, and the mere image fetched an intense tingling in his lower belly.
“You’re all mine, Levi. All mine.” Your voice slurred amid smooching sounds as you peppered in kisses his inner thighs. “I’ll gouge out the eyes of any whore who stares hungrily at you.”
A feeble chuckle fell from his lips, and your ravenous eyes bumped into his.
“You’re beautiful, Y/N.”
“And you’re so fuckable.” You planted a peck in the middle of his balls. “See, I’m romantic too.”
Hovering over him, your mouth grazed his as you fondled his glistening cock with firm, tight strokes, and an antsy moan enmeshed in the kiss. “I’ll milk you dry, honeybun.” You spat on him, the wad of saliva coated his parted lips, and you wiped it off with your thumb.
“You nasty little slut.” His voice slipped coarse, scraping your mouth. His hand sneaked behind your neck, and dragged you toward him, abrading your lips in a rough and messy, teeth-clinking kiss. Struggling to breathe, you tightened your grip around his length, and next second, you were free.
Panting, you watched him through the daze, and smirked, then leaned forward, scattering kisses on his flexing biceps as he tucked his arms under his head. More and more caresses were stamped on his abdomen.
Again, you settled between his legs and bent over, taking him all in a single, resolved blow. His legs tensed, and his toes curled as bolts of ecstasy crashed over him. He watched his cock slide in and out your mouth, feeling your throat tighten around it. You worshiped him with every bob of your head, showing how hungry you were for him. You hummed and hollowed your cheeks, sending shivers down his shaft, dashing through his legs. Hissing, his head turned to the side, squeezing his eyes shut, his chest rising and falling wildly, and his fingers dug into the sheets, color draining off his knuckles. You gagged as the tip of his dick poked the back of your throat.
With one hand you massaged his testicles, the right one slightly larger than the other, and they tightened up to his body. His hips jiggled violently, foreboding his peak, and you pressed a finger beneath his ball sack, bobbing your head faster, taking him to the moon.
“Shitfuckshitfuck...” His legs parted wider instinctively and his head tipped back, his Adam’s apple in full display, as a raw grunt wrenched out of his chest. His hips jostled in rhythm with the strands of his seed spurting into your mouth. Dented lines drew along his outer thighs.
You let his cock pop out of your mouth and found his murky eyes boring back to you. You swiped off the bead of cum that peeked out from the corner of your lips, and brushed it off with your tongue. You wouldn’t waste a single drop.
His hair clung to his burnished forehead, tiny puffs of air whizzed off his dewy lips, his cheeks swollen in a glow pink.
Clambering over him, you stole a kiss from his worn out, trembling lips, and without warning, your clenching pussy swallowed him in one, pitiless swoop. His harsh cry pierced in the room, weaving with your moans.
“Fuck Y/N! What the–” A stifled cry dangled from his lips as you rode his oversensitive cock, splaying your hands over his chest.
“I’ll be gentler this time.”
His length disappeared and reappeared between your legs. “C’mere.” You mumbled and grabbed his wrists to pull him up. “I wanna kiss you while we make love.” Your mouths met again in an intimate, searing, passionate kiss. Your arms draped around his neck, and his hands settled on your hips, dipping his fingers in the tender flesh, keeping that steady, sensual pace.
You sucked him to the base, his balls bumping against your ass and his prickling hairs tickled your smooth cleft. He nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck, his soft gasps melting in your skin as he relished in the swaddling warmth. You were taking him so well, your bodies perfectly crafted for each other, and the light tingles of pleasure, soon grew into a thunderstorm, tearing apart every tinge of sanity left in you. Your gummy walls fluttered around him as he thrust from under you, and you imbibed all his dense, warm load.
Breathing hard, you rested your forehead on his as you both rode down from your peaks. “Levi...” You rubbed your nose on his cheek, your eyes half opened. Your bodies quenched the thirst in each other’s sweat.
“Love you...” Your voice caressed his temple as you smother his face in nonstop kisses. If you could eat him in kisses, there would be no trace of him left.
“Love you too, he said, cupping your face in his hands. He gnaws on your bottom lip, pulling and releasing, and coming back for it.
“Are you sure about this?”
“I trust you.”
You scanned his face for any hint of regret. “Let me know if you want me to stop.”
Levi had always been the dominant one in the relationship, and you love it when he takes control. He’s a great lover, and when he comes to you, his appetite is sometimes more that you can handle. It’s as if he carries along a limitless source of stamina, but you loved it. Who else could make you come more than six times in one night? Sometimes a few more rounds before your body waves the white flag.
When you cautiously suggested the idea, aversion and reluctance crept across his eyes. You dropped the topic for a while until he picked it up one of his sleepless nights. You were quietly sleeping by his side as his eyes were stuck on the ceiling, his fingers tapping his sternum when he it spewed of his mouth.
Lulled into a state of drowsiness, you smiled, curling up against his frame, and planted a peck on his cheek. He had avoided it for a long time because of the vulnerability it requires and the feeling of being submissive; on the other hand, he didn’t want to deny himself the fervid intimacy and the intense sensations that this practice could entail.
As you fetched the lube from the nightstand drawer, Levi lay on his side leaving in plain sight the rippled muscles on his back, the strap bruises and the scars etched in his skin. He had to be illegal.
You sat on your knees behind him and leaned forward, delineating the outline of his ear. “Breath in and relax,” you crooned, embracing him by the fruity tone of your voice.
You tucked your hair behind your ear, and sliding your hand under his thigh, you brought his leg toward his chest. You were also consumed by nerves. You had visited the medical aisle of Trost's main library, as well as the +18 section, a dark corner that stored the bawdiest secrets of humanity, and very well preserved indeed.
You would cut your hand off if you hurt him.
A good wad of lube squirted onto your palm, and you smeared it over your index and middle fingers and let them drift down, stroking along the perineum, experimenting with different paces and pressures, swirling around the most private spot. Levi flinch and let out a jittery sigh of pleasure and surprise as you began to slide your forefinger in his interior. His body tensed up and you stopped at the first knuckle. Your idle hand gently rocked his half-hardened length, that soon after, began to swell in your clasp. “Let me know if I do anything wrong.”
Levi closed his eyes, and nestled his face deeper into the downy pillow. “You won’t.” He breathed and his voice was suffocated on the cotton weave. “Go slow.” He adjusted and relaxed, and you took him to the middle knuckle, halting when he groaned. Heaving and sweating and trembling. You granted him a few minutes to adapt. It didn’t take long to find the swollen fleshy tissue and started to shift from curling your finger in a ‘come here’ motion to drawing little circles, working each lobe, and changing the pressure and speed, wringing out a string of gasps and moans of him.
He turned his face by a fraction seeking air. “Y/N! Oh Fu–” he chanted, unable to put more than two words together. Panting and squirming under your touch, he clamped his eyes shut, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.
You continued jabbing his prostate, pumping his reddened length at the same time, pulsing veins at full display.
Babbling nonsense, and eyes rolled into the back of his head, a thread of saliva dripped out of his parted lips, smearing on his cheek. A chuckled fell from your mouth at the mess he was causing.
He was shuddering, no, convulsing involuntarily. A thin, milky fluid oozed out from his cockhead, accompanied by a delightful tingling on his hole. The sheets slithered through his fingers as the lightning sensation pierced frenziedly through him from head to toe, his heart battering between his chest and back, threatening to breach his ribcage. A cry wreathed in euphoria deluged the room.
You eased your finger free and lay down behind him, your breasts pressed on his back, and wrapped your arm around him, leaving kisses on the back of his head. Dizzy for a long minute afterward, he breathed himself out slowly coming down from the unparalleled, internal explosion of pleasure.
“Are you alright?” He felt your fingers skimming lightly over his abs, your voice fanning against his temple.
He hummed in response, finding your hand and interlacing your fingers.
“We could try again another time. If you want to.” You murmured.
“Yeah...”
You flung the covers and cocooned under the blankets.
“I love you, Levi.”
An ‘I love you, too.’ coiled in the tip of his tongue.
Hey Nela! Hope you're doing great. I wanted to ask for canonverse where reader is having her first symptoms of pregnancy, canonverse, post war, and Levi's reaction! Just an idea! Love your work and writing! <3
ANON!! You know I'm a dad Levi sucker!! Working on this had my weak heart fluttering.
WC: ~5.5k
TW: A bit of mild language (It's Levi's fault)
Years after the war, Levi and you have earned the respite you deserved. You both live a quiet life, sticking to the routine, until one day, unexpected news turns your world upside down.
“Have I gained weight?” You can’t resist spinning around and around, catching all your angles in front of the mirror. The lightweight skirt billows like a bell around your knees with every swirl.
Why do you have to be so heartless and trap Levi between Scylla and Charybdis? Now, he faces a question with not right answer. His arms are folded over his chest, the back of his knees pressed against the end of the bed. His mouth twitches as he rummages in his head for something that would not unleash a war.
You loop the golden stem though your lobe and lean forward to admire the glint, but his sour grimace eclipses the earrings effect. You swivel around, your hands anchored to your hips, and you cast that look that tells him he’d be sleeping on the couch tonight.
“I think you’re prefect.” He shoots, hoping the bullet doesn’t ricochet and pierce his leg.
Now your reflection is scowling at you. A drawer creaks open, and you pick out the paddle brush. “That doesn’t answer my question, Levi.” You wince as the bristles struggle to run through the knots of your disheveled strands.
“It’s all in your head.” The bullet strikes right next to his foot. Cold sweat dashes down his spine.
Your eyebrows sink, and creases knit between them. “Levi…” Pouting, you split a lock that cascades from the curve of your thumb and forefinger. The wooden pins sink and slip through the ends.
“Spare me.” He tosses his hands in the air for surrender.
“It’s just, the dress feels tighter around my waist.”
“Sure it shrunk in the dryer.” He shrugs.
Making a face, you put the brush on the vanity, tuck your hair behind your ears and turn around. The wrinkles between your brows smoot down, and you pad toward him, moistening your lips. “You’re just trying to be nice.” Your hands roam up over his chest, drinking the steady beating through the linen as you reel to place a sweet peck on his cheek.
“You know I’m always a dick.” He rasps, closing his eyes. His arms wind around your waist, drawing you into a melting embrace. The pads of his fingers play a soft melody on the small of your back.
And there you are, nestled and safe in his arms, imbibing his warmth you forget the shot-at-close-range question, and the matter that’s been tugging at the edge of your head for days. Sandalwood and bergamot sail into your lungs. You gaze up, prodding your chin against his chest, relishing in the sudden flare of joy, and the closeness. “I love you, Levi.” You purr and plant another kiss beneath his jaw.
A faint laugh pours out from him at the tickling your lips elicit in his skin.
This is the side of Levi you wish the entire world knew, and at the same time, you yearn to keep all for yourself.
Levi’s downy cheeks dimple when he smiles.
His laugh is mellow like a cotton candy melting in your ears.
The Levi with the purest heart, which, owing to the blows of life, he had to keep hidden inside a safe for so long. Years impersonating an aloof lunatic.
But the war is long over, and with the rocks you stumble upon in your road you built an empire. Your empire. And it’s perfect.
His hands sneak south, breaking goosebumps on your flesh, and you snatch the dimpled grin beaming on his face. No matter how many times his hands have traversed the lines of your skin, and the lighter spot cased under the band on your ring finger, your body still reacts to his caresses as it did the first time.
His fearless fingers dive into the supple roundness of skin, squeezing and closing any gap between the two. And you feel it. Your eyes widen as something stiff nudges your lower belly. “You get me so hard.” He grunts, rubbing his cheek against your head, and his hips against your tummy.
“Levi!” Flattered and indignant, you break apart, blowing out your cheeks.
“You knew what you were getting into when you said yes. And worry about it when it stops happening.” He twits, looming closer, rubbing the tip of his nose blithely over your cheek.
You bite off a giggle, feeling your face tingling with heat. A coltish snort breaks from him as you playfully shove him back, but he immediately grabs you by the shoulders so as not to lose his balance, and you go on with your silly game of pushing and pulling, lighting up the room with your guffaw, until his leg gives up, and you both, in a tangle of limbs, topple on the bed.
A mesh of belly laughs whips through the room as you try to peel off him before he suffocates. You sprawl next to him, with your cheeks suffused in pink and sparks of bliss shimmering inside you. His husky voice, laced with mirth, caresses the syllables of your name. You roll onto your side, and the dwindling tittering leaves behind that toothy smile that reminds him that the universe can still surprise him with beautiful things. The one that knocked down his walls and made him realize that crying inwardly is a torture. That pretending to be strong all the time is an act of terrorism to the heart. After all these years, he still wonders what the fuck you saw in him that no one else could. Maybe your eyes were made different. Made to rive his layers; and your heart was molded to stay with his.
Levi is facing you. His knuckles brush down your cheek as you thread your hand with his free hand. You bring it to your mouth and press plumose kisses on the stumps. His chest flits with suppressed giggles as your lips devour his hand with woolly caresses. Kissing every inch of him is therapeutic.
His gaze flicks to you, seeing his image flaring in your eyes. A fingertip traces along the line of your upper lip and he muses, “you do look different.”
“How different?” You smile amusedly and raise an eyebrow, bending your elbow to casually prop your head on your hand.
“Radiant.” He smooths your hair behind your ear. “More radiant. I don’t know how to explain,” he says, pinching your cheek with the back of his fingers, “but you glow.”
Your hand splays on his chest as you lean closer to kiss him, a butterfly flutter against his lips, and you mutter, “you’re doing great, Levi. Keep going on and I might reward you tonight.”
His tongue slips between his lips. “Now I’ll be thinking of that pretty ass all day.”
“You’re like a hormonal teenager.”
“It’s you.” He captures your lips. “I.” Kiss. “Fucking.” Kiss. “Love.” Kiss. “You.” His palm baths your cheek with his warmth.
Time freezes as you stare at each other for a while. Your fingertip redraws his lines, tracing the bridge of his nose and his cupid’s arch, his rosy bottom lip. It marches up, guided by the large scar, and he closes his eyes as your finger follows the path of his lash line. Three years ago, he wouldn't have let you touch him, he would have pushed you away. He would’ve hidden from you. Levi has never been a shallow person, but seeing the vestiges of war in his reflection, a constant reminder of what would never be again, lacerated him. It felt like barbed wire scourging him, tearing off his skin. And even though he behaved like the king of assholes to you, to the person who least deserved his rage and bitterness, you stood by his side. Always his light, his support, his guide. Now, he revels when you touch his scars, his heart flutters when he feels your fingers wandering over the bumpy tissue, when your lips curve against his right eyelid. A sweet reminder that, through good and bad, you’re fighting together.
He and you, the perfect tune. What else can he ask for?
You are the first to roll out of bed. You flatten the rumples on your dress and lend him your hand to tow him on his feet. Levi wraps up his sleeves while you tug at the collar of his shirt. “I don’t want girls staring at your arms. Makes me jealous.” You fake pout and split in giggles as your hands slip down his shoulders.
“It's called marketing strategy or so.”
You pat his cheek and kiss him again. “Winter children are not compatible with summer.” You tease.
You’re right. The clock hasn’t struck eight yet and he swears he’s going to melt as soon as he sets a foot on the street. He sweeps some messy strands away from his face and groans. “Damn weather.”
Another kiss. “Are you ready to adult today?”
He ducks his head and sighs, then straightens his back and meets your eyes, pinning his thumbs in his pockets. “Do we have another choice?”
His arms hook around you from behind as you cross the living room in your way to the kitchen. His chin huddled on your shoulder. Lavender suffuses the air, the curtains dance at the rhythm of the soothing morning breeze in a golden glow stage.
You split ways. Levi trudges to the stove and swings out the copper pot filler. Waters gurgles out, echoing against the bottom of the kettle, and he eyeballs for two. He turns off the handle and buckles back the faucet. A fleecy whistle wrests out, pleading for oil, and he pins a mental note that will soon fall off. Blue flame rings around the burner. An ashy thread swirls up and ebbs, and Levi dumps the corpse of the match on the granite counter.
While he handles the tea, toasts, and scrambled eggs, you finish packing his lunch. One compartment, the largest one, brims with rice for an army; the other third you fill with a stir-fry of shrimp and veggies. Levi became a huge fan of seafood ever since he tried it for the first time on the island, and luckily for him, you listened heedfully to Nicolo’s lessons, grasping his finesse and knowledge. Shrimp season began about two months ago, so at least once a week, you've been pampering your husband with a good dose of…
Your eyes bulge out when realization dawns.
You gulp, and the stainless-steel lid clacks close. The dull thud of the food container, the one with kitties doodled on the top, yanks you out from your reveries.
“Are you ok?” He reels and busses you on the side of your head.
“I’m alright.” You give him an assuring smile he doesn’t buy, yet he doesn’t push.
Your eyes glint with curiosity as your fingers slit open the lid by a wedge, taking a peek of what he made for you last night. You suck in a long whiff, relishing in the blend of basil and parmesan.
Fusilli with pesto, dried tomatoes, and grilled chicken breast. One of your vices.
With a swap of lunch pails, you set the first stone of your morning ritual.
The slices of bread jump out of the toaster, and the kettle shrill bursts through the kitchen. Levi plates the eggs and pours the tea. A smidge of honey for yours. Sacrilege.
You set the jar of blueberry jam and the butter dish on the table and retrace your steps. The cutlery drawer pops out. A rustling sound raises as you delve into, slinking through the knifes, and a simper plasters on your face when your fingers sweep over the cow handles. You pluck them out. A quick hip nudge, and the drawer reels close.
You shuffle to the table, humming a song you listened to in the radio last evening, so sticky you couldn’t wrench it out of your head.
“Mine with double jam.” You slip one butter spreader into his hand, the other you set it on the toasts plate. Wooden legs creak against the floor, and you dunk onto the chair.
One elbow tucked on the table. You prop your cheek on your hand and watch him slathering a layer of butter, topped with a thick slab of jam. From time to time his gaze scoots to you, stealing glances, exchanging smiles. Words are not needed. Levi talks louder with his eyes.
“Here.” He slides the toast on your plate and grabs the naked one. A thin coat of butter is enough for him. His teeth clamp and tiny crumbs pelt onto his dish. He freezes with the toast in his mouth, squinting at you.
A hill of scrambled eggs lies over your toast, threatening to spill over. You set your fork down, and bring up your breakfast to your mouth. The soggy toast sags in the middle, cradling the blend of sweet and savory Levi finds gross. Eggs with specks of marmalade fall from the other end as you claw your menacing fangs on your bizarre meal.
He eyes you with concern, crinkling up his face at your odd combination, but you fend off his grimace, humming in delight as you rub your fingers clean.
“You should try too.” You fold the napkin and dab your lips. “The flavors are so balanced.”
“No thanks, I’m good.”
You shrug. “Save me some chocolate cake for this afternoon.” You chime in and nab the last chunk. “And quiche too.”
You’ve never been a calorie-counter freak, and back on the island, it wasn't like you had a huge fan of options to whim on food, but lately, you’ve been quite lenient with your choices, leaning towards high sugary treats. But he keeps quiet before you bombard him with questions he doesn't know how to answer.
He leers at you, smirking.
Delicate fingers loop through the handle of the floral mug. Your palms flood with the balmy heat through the ceramic, and you smile back at him, raising the cup to your mouth, the spiciness stroking your lungs. Your breath fans over the rim, conceiving waves.
“I was thinking of refurbishing the guest room.”
“What’s wrong with it?” He takes another swig.
You raise your shoulders. “It kinda lacks personality, I don’t know.”
You baptized it ‘guest room’; in truth, it’s only a soulless room with a single bed and a nightstand. And you’ve never had any guest camping there. It’s the only place in your apartment that doesn’t have your stamp.
“It’s a guest room, it doesn’t need a personality.”
“But-“
The pendulum clock strikes eight thirty. Your eyes go round, and jumping off the chair, you gobble down your cool down tea.
“We can continue during dinner.” Levi jabbers, picking up the dishes.
You nod, rushing to your bedroom while Levi does his magic to leave the dining room and kitchen sparkling clean.
You brush your teeth, wash your face, and put makeup on to conceal the dark circles under your eyes. The lipstick glides smoothly. You rub your lips together and apply the second coat.
A smile framed in red gives you the thumbs up, and you hustle to the entryway, passing by Levi at the hallway, walking in the opposite direction.
From the shoe rack you pick the flat sandals, and slump down onto the cushioned bench. You buckle them on. Your forefinger cleaves inside the strap and gauge the tightness, so it doesn’t mar your ankles throughout the day. It must be the heat that worsens fluid retention.
Levi sits next to you, the lunch bags perched on each side of him. While he finishes putting on his shoes, you give the house one last look so as not to forget anything. The breeze falters, and the natural light turns off.
You hit the lively streets. Car honks, engines revving. Levi’s cane sets the speed. You strut down, hand in hand, people making way to the limping man. Levi despises being treated differently because of his condition. He prefers to stand in the regular line rather than use his priority pass, but in emergency situations, he takes advantage of its benefits.
The blazing sun melts your layers and chars your bones. August's sticky heat, and the tree leaves hardly whir. A cough muzzles in your fist. The dense air polluted with the lurid smoke is something you have not been able to get used to.
Three stoplights later and a right turn, the beaming postman carboard cutout greets you. You stop before your workplace, and Levi slings your lunch bag on your shoulder. He kisses you good-bye and brushes off the warp smudge of red of your lips, and you do the same on his.
“See you at The Burned Leave.” You muse and dash into the post office.
Your coworkers whisper, their eyes nailed on you as you duck behind the counter. Not to brag, but yes, you are the luckiest person in the world because you have Levi by your side.
You uncap the pen with your teeth and jot down the tasks for the day as well as the ‘to buy’ for tomorrow’s breakfast. You also need to stop at the pharmacy for Levi’s medicines. The pen swings between your index and middle fingers, tapping on the desk a melody that conveys your concern. A mangled paperclip slips off from your idle hand.
At the end of your list, you scrawl ‘Iron supplements.’
With one hand in his pocket, Levi continues his way. The Burned Leave is just a few blocks further downtown.
“It tastes like burned leaves, Levi.” You scrunch up your face at the bitterness. “A bit of honey might help.”
He wishes he had you with him all day. Sure, your smile would lure more customers, but you didn't want to get in the way. It was him, his space, his dream, the corner where he could do what he loved best. Plus, during dinner, you could exchange anecdotes of hesitant customers and pain in the ass Karens.
It's just another ordinary summer day. The sky is clear, and the sun scorches the city without a bit of mercy. The teashop stirs up with the motions of customers entering. They dive in for the cold drinks and the famous lemon cheesecake. Something Levi owes you.
It’s noon, and there’s a huge line before the counter. Falco takes the orders diligently; Levi scurries around blending, steeping, pouring as Gaby completes the orders with the desserts and summons customers to the Pick-up-here. A perfectly synchronized sequence that doesn’t allow room for error.
Drained and sweaty, respite swaddles them by 2PM. The afternoon runs smoothly since most clients are office staff who return to their hives as soon as lunchtime is over.
“You did great, brats.” Levi ruffles Falco’s hair as the teenage boy sweeps the floor. The ravenette leans against the counter, arms folded over his chest and his legs crossed at the ankles.
“You should consider a raise.” Gaby prods while wiping clean one of the tables.
“Don’t get too smart.” He raps his fingers on his upper arms. The brunette traipses back to the counter, flings the cloth on Levi’s shoulder, dodging her boss’ deathly glower. Her hands hook to the edge, and she heaves up on the wooden surface.
“Oi! Don’t stick your ass on my counter.” Levi blows off a lock of hair of his face, his eyes plunged into a scowl. But she ignores him and reaches out for the slice of oreo cheesecake that Falco had started and left in plain sight of predators.
“Gaby!!!!!”
“What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is mine.” She licks the spoon.
“Go grab lunch.” Levi breaths, tossing a thumb over his shoulder. “No making out in the staff room.” He casts a mocking grin, and from the corner of his eye he catches them, brushing fingers as they head to the backroom. Gaby fiddling with her necklace and Falco rubbing a hand behind his head.
Thank goodness they don't know the beginning of your story. Flustering and stammering whenever you came around.
His smirk falters, and his face unsettles with disquietude when he spots his lovely wife through the glass. Head bowed; arms wrap around yourself.
His hand curls around the grip of the stick, and he plods to the door. He wedges it open with a foot and welcomes you in an embrace. “Hey.” He croons, caressing your hair.
You pull apart and gaze up, your stinging red eyes crash with his. A drumbeat of pain and concern spreads in his chest. Your eyes are dull and leaden, lacking all their gleam from this morning. His brows draw together, and he tilts his head. Apprehension grazes up his features. You nuzzle your face on his chest as the tip of his finger assuages you with lazy circles on your shoulder. “What’s wrong?”
Levi helps you to the couch in his office and sits next to you, drawing you to his chest.
“I started feeling sick in the morning, so they took me to the infirmary. They told me I could take the rest of the day off. I didn't want to be home alone, so I came here.”
“Do you want me to call a doctor?”
“No, I need some rest.” You mutter, pressing a hand on your forehead, your face crinkling in discomfort. “It’s just a headache.”
“I’ll get you a pill.” He kisses your head, but you don’t let go.
Running a hand through his hair, he sighs. He pats his thighs, inviting your feet, and you shuffle on the couch, raising your legs. The ghost of a smile flickers on your pale lips. He frees your swollen ankles from the ordeal, and blood fizzes back to your toes, delivering alleviation to every inch. His fingers pamper the red marks where you were mauled and strangled. Your shoulders feel light, and you slump against the arm rest, cocking your head and perching your cheek on your hand.
“I love you, Levi.” You give him a weak smile.
He brings one of your legs up, and his lips douse your shin with a trail of tickles. “I love you too.”
Your eyes leap from the picture of you and him roasted in the beach, to the lamp on his desk, to the succulent Gaby and Falco got him for his last birthday, to the clock on the wall, and after a tour around his office, they land back on him.
A lock of hair twirls around your finger. “You know, sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve someone like you.”
If only you knew he mulls over that every night, wondering what he did for the universe to grant him so much bliss.
A tangle of voices buzz from the corridor, dwindling when the sappiest couple– only one step above you–frosts at the door. Blushing, they snap each other’s hands away, smuggle them behind their backs.
“Hey,” you spout, waving a hand.
They gasp your name in unison. “Are you–“
“Go get the first aid kit.” Levi cuts them, and next second, heavy steps are filling the air.
“Are you treating them nice?” You raise a brow.
His deft hands allay your upset feet. He knows where to knead, and squeeze and press his knuckles. “I’m not a nice person, Y/N.”
“You can deceive them all, but not me.” Light fades behind your lids, and a moan of relief falls of your lips.
“Something’s wrong with your setup.”
You bite your lip and nudge his thigh with your toe. “You’re saying I’m blind?” Your eyes greet light again.
“I can't find any other reason for you to have fixated on me.”
“C’mere.” Your arms stretch out, grabby hands persuade him. You make room for him, wriggling and shifting into a more comfortable position, and he curls by your side, half his ass suspended in the air. Levi holds you in his arms, nestling his cheek on the side of your head.
“I can assure you that madness didn’t sting my eyes.” Your voice comes out in a weary whiff.
“You sure you’re ok?”
Your fingers plait with his, seeking shelter. “Yeah.”
“Did you like your lunch?” His voice caresses your temple, soft and husky like evening breeze.
You contort your face, scratching something behind your ear, eyes scooting around “Well…” You don’t want to break his heart.
“You didn’t eat…”
“I wasn’t hungry.” Maybe it's not a good idea to mention that you almost threw up as soon as the smell of parmesan and basil hit you.
Levi’s eyes twitch, and he opens his mouth to speak, pausing to collect his thoughts. You could eat a jar of pesto by spoonfuls as if it were not an olive oil bomb and carry on with your life. Something is wrong. Definitely wrong.
Falco breaks into the room with an ibuprofen tablet and a glass of water.
Lines pleat on the boy’s forehead. “Should I call a doctor?”
“I’m alright, Falco. Thanks.” The corners of your lips quirk up in a gentle smile. “It’s not necessary.” You swallow the pill, and close your eyes, cuddled on Levi. Your unfurled hand swills the beats of his heart.
But before Falco is dismissed, he reads from Levi’s mouth ‘call them.’
With his head down, and his hands fumbling in his pockets, Levi paces from side to side, impatient, trying to chase away the bad thoughts before they drive him mad. His heart pounds in his ears. His jaw clenches tight. For the nth time he glances at the door, then at his watch. It’s only been five minutes, Levi. Relax. Grumbling, he stops, and takes a long, appeasing breath. He slants against the wall and runs a hand down his face.
As a pester as they might be sometimes, he wishes those brats were here, but someone needs to run the shop and take orders.
The door clicks open form the interior and Levi’s straightens up in a lurch. The man, with salt and pepper hair, smiles at him. An assuring smile. Levi tips his head. Creases in his forehead tug up one eyebrow.
“Congratulations, Mr. Ackerman.” A gentle squeeze in his shoulder, and amid the mental blur only few words he grasps. “…six weeks pregnant… nothing out of the ordinary… regular checkups…” His mind yanks him back to the word ‘pregnant’.
It bangs in his head like a bass drum.
Suddenly, his legs begin to weaken, the ground moves, or so he feels, and he scrambles forward, clinging to the wall before he smashes his face at the doctor’s feet. “Hey, Mr. Ackerman.”
A pat on his back.
Then an arm winds around him; next, he’s sitting on his chair. Levi blinks several times until the light sets and the edges of reality smooth down. Dr. Ziegler is waving goodbye; a broad smile strains his pink, plump cheeks.
“Pregnant.” Slurs out of his mouth. His face snaps at you. You’re staring back at him, chin tucked on your arms folded over the armrest. Your head swing from side to side.
Wide eyes startled, white specks, like tiny diamonds, flicker on is quavering irises. His hands clench at his thighs. He fills his lungs with the scarce air and puffs out “Pregnant?” His chest rises and falls, trying to ski down the hill of shock. “You’re with child?”
“Well, I guess that’s the definition of pregnant,” you quip.
Battling against his quivering legs, he urges himself on his feet and slogs to you, shutting his mind to the lash of pain whipping though his leg. But it yields, making him topple before you.
“Levi!!!” Your voice is a shrill with worry. “Levi!” Your hands grapple him by the shoulders, waggling him to wake up.
And then, you feel a velvet touch sauntering up and down you’re your calves. A sob wrings out from him, followed by a long sniffle. Dazed with the news, he bottles up his breaths trying to calm down, unsuccessfully, and raises his face, stained with tears of joy. His eyes red and swollen; his chin wobbling as his lips try to pull out a smile.
His heart burst, and his thoughts, scattered around, curb him from thinking straight.
Fuck. He’s going to be a dad.
Him. A dad. Someone will call him dad with that chirping voice. A little brat will wake him up in the middle of the night with their strident cry. Between him and you, they will seek protection from the monsters that lurk in the night, thwarting any indecent approach. Changing diapers, preparing bottles, reading bedtime stories.
Is it too soon to buy a toy tea set?
New papa guide.
Fatherhood for dummies.
We’re pregnant!
The expectant father.
He scrolls down through infinite titles that doubtlessly will join his collection. Tomorrow he will start with the sketches to remodel the room.
Feather-like tingles swamp his chest, enraptured with waves of love and pride and joy.
However, all those ‘what ifs’ push him down into a vortex of insecurities and self-consciousness. All those questions pricking in his chest, spreading their venom like a scorpion sting.
What if the brat doesn’t like me?
What if they don’t love me?
What if they’re scared of embarrassed of me?
He is about to face something he wasn’t groomed for. But he wouldn’t let panic weighed him down. He has you, and now he has to be stronger than ever to fight for two.
A dazzling smile and a lulling caress quell his fears. Your fingers curl under his chin.
“I told you I wasn’t sick.”
“You knew?” He snivels as your thumbs, fuzzily, brush his tears away. Levi ties his arms around you, snugging his face on your lap, your fingers weaving through his hair, coddling his scalp. The weight of age peeks in the form of gray strands.
You are that love song on the radio, the warm sun caress on a winter day. An ice cream of lemon and vanilla in summer. A gentle kiss; a clumsy ballroom dance. A soft squeeze of hands.
And soon, the mother of his child. His child. Your child. Shit. He’s created a life with you.
He shudders, grasping the oxygen he can.
Your walk without a destination it’s not intimidating because he is with you.
“I was suspicious.” Scratching the side of your face, you bite your lip. “I didn't want to tell you until I was sure.” A nervous laugh ripples out of you, taking your lips from hooked to a beam. “Can you believe that? We’re having a baby.” You chirp excitedly. “What do you think they’d look like? I hope they have your hair and your eyes and your nose.” You pinch his cheeks. “And these too.”
“They will have your eyes.” Levi burbles.
“I can’t wait to tell everyone!” You fiddle with the hem of your dress. Levi hums, those brats won’t leave him alone. He can already hear Connie squeaking in disbelief.
You scavenge in your thoughts, a finger tapping over your mouth. “You know what? I am actually surprised it took so long.”
Levi chuckles. You offer him a hand, hoist him up, and he flumps at your side.
A webbing of emotions he can’t unravel and put into words clogs up in his throat. But thank walls Levi ladles out his feeling through his eyes. Now, it’s him curled up in your chest, unfurling his hand on your bloated belly. A new life is forming in you, a life that’s half him, half you.
Shit. He’s terrified.
Your fingers sink through his, impregnating him with the reassurance he needs.
“No onesies with the word brat.”
He pulls away, bumping with your furrowed eyes. “I already have three designs in mind.” He wipes his tears with his forearm and snorts. “And I'll sign up for embroidery classes.”
A thread of giggles spools out from your lips, and with a silly smile, he watches you until your laugh peters out.
Mindful of his overprotective instincts, you remind him, “I don't want you to overexert yourself, Levi. Don’t sling more weight over your shoulders. Don’t forget I'm not sick.” You stress out the last words.
To treat you like a goddess and cater to your every whim so that you only have to worry about that life growing healthy inside you?
