tw: SMUT, oral!male receiving, vaginal sex, angst, hurt/comfort, unwanted pregnancy, mention of abortion.
wc:~ 11.5K
Thank you so much @oyasumimosura for the request! I kind of got carried away with this.
Your eyes dart downwards, one foot dangling over the ledge while the other remains safe, whisking the cold stone of the rooftop floor. From the highest tower of the building that has been your home for the past five years, you can barely descry the animals that prowl around at that time of the night. The rocks, bushes and colorful flowers that grace the path to the stables seem puny from that height.
You wonder if that's how the moon looks down at you.
You lie on your back, staring up at the night sky, feeling insignificant under the vast mantle of stars that unfolds to the infinite. For the boundless universe, you are nothing but an infinitesimal particle whose span on Earth reduces to a fraction of a second.
Then, why do humans insist on giving meaning to life? Without a purpose, isn't that fraction of a second worth living?
You close your eyes, glad that the music from the feast doesn't reach your sacred place.
From a very young age, you knew your purpose: to dedicate your heart to humanity's sake; to fight the titans and discover what lies outside Wall Maria. Your grandfather used to talk about the sea, an endless body of salt water. With curiosity glinting in your eyes, you asked him if he ever got to see it; but he let out a chuckle, ruffled your hair, and replied that it was a story he'd heard from his best friend.
Your great grandfather Jorge and grandfather Carlo were commanders of the Scouting Legion, and your father, Solm Pikale, named after the first human to have ever killed a titan, died as a hero protecting his squad.
The legacy lives through you; their blood rushes through your veins. As soon as you turned sixteen, you enlisted in the military, even though it meant breaking your mother's heart.
As expected, you graduated first in your batch. Not only was your dexterity with the ODM gear unparalleled, you were endowed with decisiveness, strategic thinking and team working skills; thus, a few months after joining the S.C, they promoted you to squad leader. You were also in charge of training the new recruits. It was one thing to maneuver the equipment on static objects, and quite another to handle it among moving, daunting titans.
You were an unprecedented prodigy, an indispensable asset for survey corps. The queen, until…
Erwin returned from his mission in the Underground city with three new recruits who had never received military training; however, their skills with the equipment astonished everyone. They moved with such ease and adroitness that you could hardly believe they learned how to use the equipment on their own, but the one that menaces your reign was the cranky raven haired.
You and Levi equaled each other in flexibility, speed and agility; nonetheless, he outstripped you with his superhuman strength and his inexhaustible source of stamina. Once, you wondered if he belonged to another species.
As you supervised the training that afternoon, you couldn't squash the jealousy worm, letting it drill a hole in your chest.
Little by little, that obnoxious feeling drifted away, and as if he was made of metal and your eyes were magnets, you couldn't fight the urge to look for him at any time of the day. You thought it was only admiration, but you then found out you yearned for something else the day his sturdy fingers accidentally brushed the small of your back, and every cell in your body combusted.
You couldn't discern whether it was love or lust, but one thing for sure was that every time your gazes met, his embracing gray eyes threatened to pierce the innermost recesses of your soul.
And it didn't help you'd become good friends.
You're standing on the ledge, your toes drumming near the edge. Your dress billows out around your knees, and the soft breeze caresses your face. You let your hair down and it raptures in the wind. Closing your eyes and stretching your arms out wide, your mind goes blank as you rejoice in the universe's infinity.
You don't hear the door screech open, nor the steps approaching you, halting about six feet behind you.
A pair of gray eyes watches you, mesmerized by the serenity you exude.
Your mint floral lace dress clings to your curves, fluttering down from your waist to your knees, and the puffy, organza sleeves cinch your arms above your elbows. Levi's cheeks smolder; he doesn't know if it is the alcohol taking a toll on his body or the bewitching beauty of the angel spreading her wings in front of him.
"Do you think those who jump regret their decision right before smashing on the ground?"
Perhaps, you noticed his presence as soon as he opened the door.
You raise one foot in front of you, drawing circles in the air, alerting Levi's survival instincts. He rushes over, grabs your hand, and pulls you towards him, making you lose your balance. You wobble and scramble on top of him.
It all happens in one second.
His hands clasp your arms, your palms resting on the floor. You blink twice, tilting your head backwards.
Levi is looking at you with wide eyes. His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows. He opens his mouth to speak, but clamps it shut right away. Lusty need swats you both.
Neither of you mutter a single word, nor you feel uneasy with each other's closeness. It is the first time you look him in the eye for so long. The moonlight reflects in his pupils, drawing flickering white specks on those gray gems.
Your gaze darts from his eyes, to his mouth, back to his eyes as he remains still, foreboding what would come next. He does nothing to prevent it.
As soon as your mouth settles on his, he closes his eyes, letting himself be carried away by the spiciness of your lips, fusing slowly, relishing every second. It's the first time in his life he feels such desire, so desperate to touch, to drink, to own.
You pull away for a brief moment. "Damn, I really wanted to kiss you," you whisper, and lock your mouths again. You can sense the frenzy with which your hearts thump as the kiss deepens. Your lips part, granting him access, and he doesn't hesitate a second to maraud you. His tongue dances with yours, swirling and sweeping in perfect synchronization.
One or two moans fall from your insatiable mouths, his hands sliding mindlessly over your back, your waist, until he finds the end of the cord that holds your dress in place.
"Levi." You broke the kiss, staring at him through heavy lidded eyes while he tugs at the ribbon, untying it with daring fingers, and the lace slips through the grommets.
"I know you want it too." His husky voice gives your chills. It gushes through your ears and ripples down through your body. Is it what a voice is supposed to do? Only his ignites the fire within you.
You roll over and sit down, flicking your hair over your shoulder as he kneels behind you to finish what he has started. He sunders the back panels; his fingertips scorching you as if someone was pouring hot wax on your flesh. His hands roam between your skin and the fabric. The sleeves start to slip off your shoulders, but you fold your arms over your chest.
"Get off your clothes first. I'm not wearing anything under this." You said without turning around, sucking your bottom lip and tucking a lock of hair behind your ear.
Levi sighs, and tension coils in your lower abdomen when he presses his lips on your nape. "You enjoy tempting me, uh?" He stands up, and scuffs his shoes off, loosens his cravat, and takes his waistcoat off. "You think I haven't noticed the way you look at me when you cross your legs and your skirt accidentally slips?" He deals with the cuffs and unbuttons his shirt, that soon joins the pile of clothes pooling at his feet. "Or when you mistake your cup with mine?"
You bite your bottom lip, and swivel around, marveling at his marble sculpted body. You watch him wiggling his pants off, your eyes lingering deliberately from his legs, all the way up to his torso, making a stop on the protruding bulge under his briefs.
"You're not so innocent, Levi." Your voice comes out in a hoarse whisper.
He approaches and you kneel in front of him, your impatient fingers glide over his torso, your empty pussy clenches and aches as you trace his taut muscles. He was perfect, the embodiment of pure masculine perfection. His eyes bore into you as you carry on the exploration, tracing a finger along the waist line of his underwear, and with one brisk move, you free him from his confinements. His long thick cock, standing proud, the head brushing against his lower belly. Once around his feet, Levi steps out of his briefs.
"It's pretty. I wonder what it tastes like." You glance up, raking your nails down his hard thighs as gravity takes care of your dress. It slips off enough for your breasts to peek out. Levi takes a glimpse at your perky nipples, and he can't wait to graze them in his mouth.
Without breaking the eye contact, you drag your mouth to his throbbing length, planting a kiss between his balls.
"I'll give you the best oral in your life you won't be able to forget me."
Thin, black brows shoot open, a smirk drawn on his lips.
You grip him by his hips and run your tongue underneath his shaft, tracing the pulsating vein all the way from the base to the oozing tip, lapping the bead of precum glistening on the thick head. Levi groans; his hips jerk up. You have him at your mercy. The effect you inflict on him makes you feel powerful. You can see in his face the way he struggles to refrain from himself.
With light swipes of your tongue and feather-like kisses, you tease him. "Relax," you mutter. "We both know how bad you want to be in my mouth." You swirl your tongue all over the pinkish head before wrapping your lips around him. Levi thrusts his hips forward, and you take all of him deep into your mouth, reveling in his piquant taste. You moan around his length, shivers of pleasure ramble down his legs. A strangled groan rumbles out his throat as you bob your head faster, sucking and swirling your tongue all around him. "ShitFuckShitFuck." Levi squeezes his eyes shut, fists clenched at his sides.
"Mm-hmm."
His breathing rags and beads of sweat trickle down his temples as you continue humming. It's so lewd and hot and the possibility that somebody catches you with his cock shoved in your mouth has you dripping hard, wetness pooling your inner thighs.
The potent smell of your arousal is driving him mad.
Levi finds solace in your hair, twisting his fingers through your locks, clutching tight. You whine, and a tear peeks from the corner of your eye at the sharping pain spreading on your scalp. You dig your nails in his skin and he yields to your gagging pleas, loosening his grip.
Levi rocks his hips, working his length in and out of your mouth, finding a rhythm with you. The head of his cock sticking out in your throat as he is stuffing you; your knuckles whiten as your nails sink into his butt cheeks. He grits his teeth, tilting his head backwards, and increases the pace, pumping faster and harder into you. The fireball in his lower abdomen is on the brink of explosion. You can feel it too, and after three more thrusts, his thick, warm load swamps your mouth. An agonizing groan ripples off him. Waves of pleasure pierce through him, dragging out all the air of his lungs.
He pulls out, panting heavily. His legs wobble, yet he keeps his balance, and gazes down at you, watching you swallow his seed. That's the hottest thing he's seen in his life.
"You taste good."
"Fuck, Y/N" He steps back, raking his fingers through his slick hair, and runs his palms down his face, letting out a deep breath. He thinks he'd come again just by looking at you.
"Are you enjoying the view?" You stand up, and your gown finally plummets to your feet, leaving you completely naked before him, your taut nipples begging for him. Batting your lashes, you lick your finger, and sweep it along your slick folds before shoving it into his mouth.
You reach a point of no return.
His lascivious eyes drill into your soul. He takes one step closer and grabs your wrist, his grip so tight it's cutting off your blood flow. Your heart pounds fiercely you bet he can hear the beats loud and clear. He slowly pulls your hand away and closes the small gap between you, his hardness pressing against your lower belly.
His intense gaze disarms you; it makes you feel small, yet you love it. He slides his hands behind your neck, his thumbs tracing the outline of your jaw as he rubs his nose on your cheek. "I want you to come all over my dick." His voice–rough and sandpapery–scald your ears and the pit of your stomach. This dirty, primal side he keeps sharply tucked within him tantalizes you.
Your inner thighs are sodden.
You kiss him, winding your arms around his neck while his palms, dawdling down your curves, sear your flesh. He squeezes your butt cheeks, and you jostle, straining your belly against his throbbing cock. Levi groans in your mouth and grips your ass, urging you up. He lifts you, and you drape your legs around his waist, his hardness poking your thigh.
"You're soaking wet." He gibes. He captures a nipple in his mouth, sucking, nipping, swirling his tongue around it.
"Levi!" You whine when he bites lightly your sensitive bud; your head tilts backward, moan after moan falls from your parted lips. Everything in you tightens. Your needy hole craves to be filled.
You flinch when your back hits the cold, stony wall. Levi drags his mouth to the unattended nipple, and assails it with strokes and soft nibbles. The nippy air bites your glistening nub. Your breathing is ragging between soft moans, your legs tremble. You shut your eyes close, wrapping your arms around his head, bringing him closer as he gobbles on your boobs.
Your breath brushes past your juicy lips, your cheeks seized by a sizzling tingle. Levi tugs on your nipple with his lips, pulling it slightly before freeing it with a soft popping sound.
He lets you slide down just a bit until your eyes meet at the same level, and grazes your mouth, plunging his rabid tongue inside, inebriating you with the caramel and oak that lingers in him.
He parts by a fraction, his warm breath blazing your worn-out lips. “I’ll fuck you so hard, I'll make sure they all can hear you.” His voice came out so raw, and raspy, rippling down from your ears to your core.
“Do it.” you plant a kiss on his lips and draw back. “Take all you want from me.”
His open-mouth kisses ghost over your cheek. “You better don’t regret those words, queen.” You feel the tip of his cock poking your drenched entrance.
“Fuck you.” You growl. You loath when he calls you that.
Levi snorts and drags his mouth to your ear. “Fuck you.” He mutters. Without warning or anesthesia, Levi plunges into you with one quick thrust. Your sweet sounds fill the air, tangling together. Once fully inside, he stays still, reveling in the warmth enveloping him.
He feels so good, stuffing you to the brim, an addictive sensation you’d never grow tired of.
You rock your hips forward, wordlessly begging him to move.
Levi grins. “I bet this is what you think of every night, having my cock buried deep inside you.”
You hum, nodding your head. There is no point to deny it.
He eases out, leaving a painful emptiness that, lucky for you, doesn’t last long. Your pussy stretches to take him again. Your legs trembles with the sweet, intense friction he evokes. He moves languidly first, each stroke a delightful torment.
You mewl, "Levi, you feel so good."
He's is holding you firmly; his fingers dig in the tenderness of your hamstrings as he increased the pace. "You take me so fucking well," he pants. His strokes are deeper and rougher.
You clamp your eyes shut, tears of delight squeezing out from between your lashes. Your mouth forms an 'o' shape, letting out those pretty sounds that sweeten his ears. You can feel the volcano inside of you about to erupt. That obscene clapping sound of your hips crashing together fills the air, fusing with your moans and groans.
"Oh! Walls… Lev…Ah!" you babble, your eyes rolling back into your head, unable to string more than to words together.
Levi is fucking you, like really fucking you harsh and erratically and crude and sweaty. You're glad everyone else is down in the mess hall enjoying the music, while you rejoice in your private concert of nasty noises.
You claw your nails on his back and bite his shoulder to muffle your moans, but Levi doesn't like it. He thrusts even harder you choke in gasps. "Levi!"
He smirks as you boost his ego, and seizes your neck. He bites and sucks, and your brain turns into mush. It's hard to breath, and you can't reason, all you're left to do is to succumb to the rapturous sensations he elicits in you. "Gonna…cum."
Levi, Levi, Levi. His name conquers your mind.
His nibbles blister your skin and his fingers dent in your thighs. You'll wake up the next morning with sex bruises etched all over you.
"Oh! Fuck," he growls.
You feel the pulse of his cock inside you as your fluttery walls squeeze him hard. You clench around him; his brutally hard thrusts drag you to the peak of elation. "Levi!" Ripples of pleasure wash over you, one after the other. Fireworks burst behind your eyes, your body stiffens and the entire world crumbles.
His muscles flex, and his jaw juts out. Hot pressure coils in the pit of his stomach, and after two or three more ruthless pumps, he spurts his warm essence into your depths. A low groan is torn from somewhere deep in his chest, and you think that's the hottest thing you've ever heard.
You're both panting heavily. Levi rests his forehead on yours, and you remain silent for a moment. Your bodies still connected, soaking in each other's sweat.
Levi finally pulls out with a groan, and lets your feet drop to the floor. He strokes your cheek with the back of his hand and holds your gaze. "I think we've waited too long for this." He breaths.
You nodded, waiting for your senses to come back.
He kisses you again, sweet and tender, as if few minutes ago he wasn't savagely ramming into you.
"Levi," you say through the kiss.
He loves the way his name falls from your lips. His head lolls back slightly and he meets your gaze through half-lidded eyes. "Uh?"
You scratch the side of your head, your eyes darting around. A deep shade of red creeps across your face. "I'd like to know," you find his gaze. "Does this mean–"
He cuts you with another kiss. He knows you hold feelings for him and can't help but feel like the worthless piece of crap for giving you fake hopes. He doesn’t want to hear it because he doesn't have an answer.
He convinces himself he only needed a tension reliever, but deep down he knows there's something else he doesn't understand shackling him to you. Something he doesn’t want to figure out.
Understanding means feeling.
Feeling means losing.
He can't bear with another loss.
You feel as if scorpion stings your heart, yet you cling to his warmth while it lasts.
Levi turns around and walks away. He picks up his clothes from the floor and puts them on in silence. You follow him, the cold air gnaws on your skin.
Shimming your hips, you slip into the dress and slide the sleeves on. As he fixes the collar of his shirt, the ravenette takes a glimpse on your way and finds you struggling with the back of your dress, your arms in an awkward position, trying to pull the cord ends. He stands behind you, and brushes your hands off to tie the laces.
"Thanks," you mutter.
You bend down to pick up your heels and use the ledge for support, lifting one foot to slip your shoe on, then the other. The old wooden door screeches open and once you swivel around, he's gone.
Running a hand down your face, you lean back, resting your elbows on the ledge. Your eyes are closed and your lips pressed into a thin line as tears stream down your face. You curse inwardly. You knew it was a mistake, the most heavenly mistake.
You trudge back into your room and close the door behind you. The soreness begins to sprout in your legs and back. You take your dress and shoes off before entering the bathroom, and turn on the tub faucet. While the water burbles down, you stand in front of the sink, and can't recognize the woman staring back at you. You tuck away the strands of hair stuck to your face and lean forward over the sink. Your mascara is smeared under your eyes and your lipstick smudged around your lips. You loll your head to side, and the light baths your neck exposing the vestiges of his bites. You whirl around and look over your back, spotting the bruises the stony wall stamped on your skin.
Anger, disappointment, desire to repeat it all. A heap of emotions strikes you all at once your head begins to throb.
You remove your make up before getting into the tub, and sit down with your legs bent. You drape your arms around your shins and tuck your chin on your knees. Dragging in air into your lungs, you close your eyes.
Levi takes over your head. Not only his face. His hoarse voice and moans, his inebriating scent, and his grip in your skin. You still can feel his hands meandering over your body, his lips abrading yours and marking your neck, and pampering your breasts. Your head falls backward as you bit your lower lip, your pussy clenches around nothing, trying to revive the luscious friction he elicited.
Walls.
You blow out a quick breath and reality snaps.
Only one night you spent with him, a night that should mean nothing, and you stupidly stumbled and fell under his spell.
You let out a deep growl and hit your head with the heel of your hands. There's no time or room in your head to think about love and heartbreaks. You had to focus on the next mission.
There's no other choice left but to drag the grumpy midget out of your mind.
While you mentally torture yourself on what should or shouldn't have been, he'd probably have forgotten about you already.
You have to stop thinking of him.
Levi comes out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, a second one around his neck. He opens the drawer and mindlessly grabs a pair of briefs. From another drawer he takes out a light gray shirt.
He puts his underwear first and wipes his hair dry with the towel before putting his shirt on. Once in comfortable clothes, he flumps into the bed and reaches out for a pillow. He nuzzles his cheek, tucking his arms under it.
His eyes land on the wall and your face flood his thoughts. He can't forgive himself for what he did to you. Putting faith in your hands that immediately slithered like water through your fingers. Something inside him stirred the day he met you, an unfamiliar sensation he tried to rip off his chest, but he failed.He can't forget you, and the blowjob has nothing to do with it.
*
After that night, you didn't expect your relationship to transcend the friendship bond you share; although it's clear that you and Levi are bound to each other by something stronger than that. Neither did you anticipate it to flip like a pancake and burn. Who would've thought that a wild night would obliterate the bond you had built up over the past few years?
If you could go back in time, you would have withstood temptation to retrieve what you had.
"Levi, we need to talk." You startle him from behind while he's supervising his squad training, but he doesn’t turn around.
"We have nothing to talk about. And I have work to do."
"You can't pretend there's noth–"
Levi growls and spins around to face you, placing his hands on your shoulders and leaning closer so your faces are a couple of inches apart. He bites the bullet. He hides behind the mask and it is difficult to read what's going on in his mind and heart. His eyes are empty and hollow and dark. Sometimes you wonder how much energy it demands to bottle up your feelings.
"I boozed up and needed a good fuck, and you just happened to be there."
Your heart is trapped in a rose bush, bruised by thorns. Your lungs turn to stone you can't breathe; your eyes crystallize, and Levi see how they shatter, how you crumb.
"Could you at least tell me what I did wrong?" Your voice quavers.
Staring empty at him, you wait for an answer that never comes. Your heart shrinks and your stomach crumples. He swivels around because he can't bear watching you break down. He closes his eyes and bites his fumbling bottom lip. It tastes like iron. "What happen that night was a mistake, Y/N."
Levi buries the dagger in your chest. Those words scorching his throat, molten metal belching from his mouth. Levi is not oblivious to your pain. He hates himself for hurting you. He hates himself for making you cry, but it's necessary.
Throughout his life, Levi had learned his lessons the harsh way.
First blow, Kuchel. He cries.
Second blow, Kenny. He runs.
Third blow, Farlan and Isabel. He knows he's screwed.
Forth blow. He wouldn’t survive.
If he has a hunch that something would end in disaster, he simply avoids it. Only idiots make the same mistakes over and over again.
There is nothing sadder than seeing how slowly a breach opens between you and the person who still makes your heart skip a beat. There is no more tea on Sunday afternoons, no more accomplice glances, no more jokes; your conversations don't flow as they used to. Silences become uncomfortable. Deep in your heart, you hoped, like a flickering flame that refused to die, that your feelings would be reciprocated. But for Levi you meant nothing more than a night of pleasure. He took what he wanted and left. Slowly, you drift apart, wondering why things couldn't be.
Your wake up and your head throbs. You groan, rubbing your eyes with the back of your hands, before begrudgingly leaving the bed. You brush your teeth, sneaking a hand under your shirt to scratch your tummy. It's been six weeks since that day, well, since that night and Levi has only exchanged a few words with you. If 'Oi' or 'tch' counts as words. It's time to move on, it's time to forget about him too.
*
Your legs dangle over the nursing bed, your hands resting on the mattress at your sides. Your eyes wander around the white room while you wait for Hange to come back. The tummy cramps have worsened. You bloat easily, you've lost your appetite and stress was clutching your period back.
The door squeaks open. They walk in with a clipboard in hand and a hard expression to read on their face. Joy and concern at the same time, and it seems like they're refraining themself from throwing their arms in the air and shout.
All you want to know if whether you're dying or not.
You mindlessly watch as they place the clipboard on the table and take a sit next to you. They wind an arm around your shoulders and pull you closer.
"Please Hange, you're killing me."
They scratch the side of their head and exhale. "I don't know if it's good news or bad news, Y/N."
You lift a brow.
"You're eight weeks pregnant, and so far, nothing seems out of the ordinary." The food sloshes in your stomach, and you feel it whizzing up through your esophagus. In one second a meteor crashes your world.
You're withering and sweating. Hange hugs you.
"Please don't tell anyone, Hange, please, please, please." You sink your face in your hands.
"It'll stay between you and I" They stroke your back. "But will you tell the father?"
"I don't know what I'm going to do." You mumble.
"Whatever decision to make, I'll support you." You hold onto their embrace.
You change into your clothes and leave the room mumbling a barely audible 'thank you', clinging to the walls to keep from collapsing. You roll across the wall, resting your head on your forearm. You're panting and sweating and your heart is lashing rabidly between your chest and your back.
Your dreams wreck before your eyes. The meaning you had given to your life disintegrates.
But what nags and hurts the most is that part of him is growing within you. A life you created together is burgeoning in your womb.
Levi, Levi, Levi.
Fuck.
There is no retaining wall to stop your tears.
You pace back and forth in your room, biting your nails to the nub.
Why it is so hard to hold on to a dream?
For many years, you never stopped believing and fighting. When you joined the Survey Corps you knew it was the place where you belonged. You met wonderful people, comrades and friends with whom you shared light, warmth, laughter, tears and grief. The moments of glory, and the most painful ones.
People come and go, but dreams remain.
And then you let yourself melt in the flame of desire. A night that snatched from your hands the things you cherish most: Him and them.
You feel yourself disappearing into your own body, losing yourself in an abyss.
"Good-bye"
There are no band aids or medicine to ease the pain induced by those seven letters.
*
It's nine weeks already since that night. Nine weeks which means you're still on time. Your foot is tapping against the floor, your eyes sauntering around. There're two rows of seats facing each other in the dim room; the intense smell of bleach floats in the air, and you already feel nauseated. A young girl is sitting in front of you. Her legs crossed at the ankles. She's leaning forwards, her hands gripping the edge of the wooden bench. Her face is hiding behind a cascade of brown hair.
The nurse opens the door few inches and calls a name. The girl stands up and disappears behind the door.
You fiddle with the hem of dress, now both feet tap against the floor. You take deep breaths, and pull at your collar. It's hot and your neck itches.
"First time. Isn’t it?"
You turn your head to the side and blink twice at the woman sitting next to you. She seems to be somewhere in her mid-thirties.
"The first time is the scariest." She tries to pull a smile. "This is my fourth," she sighs.
"Fourth?" Your eyes open wide and you want to slap yourself hard for such judging reaction. You lower your gaze, scratching the side of your head. And 'I'm sorry' seeps out of your lips.
Her smile doesn’t falter, though, but you can spot the bitterness in her eyes. "I don't want to be a mother, but my husband dreams with a big family. He doesn't allow me to use contraceptive methods."
You thread your fingers through your hair and take in a long drag of air. This is wrong.
You can't do this.
You stomp out of that place before the nurse calls your name.
*
Twelve weeks and the bump in your belly hardly notices. Your hand is shaking as your reaching the knob of his door. Your legs wobble and a cold sweat is scorching your back. You have to do this. You can't brood over it any longer. Levi deserves the truth, doesn't he? Maybe he'd know what to do. You need to get the lump out of your throat.
One, two, three. You twist the knob.
"No one taught you to knock."
You close the door behind you and take a deep breath.
"There's something I need to tell you." You say, making a huge effort so your voice doesn't falter.
He's flooded with paper work and doesn’t bother to look up.
Dropping the bomb does not sound like a good idea anymore.
Levi is waiting. He finally glances at you, rising a brow, and you can see that his patience is draining.
You tilt your head to the side, tugging the collar of your shirt. Suddenly, your mouth dries out and the lump in your throat swells. You open your mouth, but you can't speak.
"Did the cat bite your tongue?" Levi clicks his tongue and his eyes dart back to the report in his hand. "If you have nothing to say, just leave. I have to submit all this tomorrow morning," he huffs.
Levi doesn't know who is hurting the most right now. Each word that comes out of him scrapes his chest and mouth with barbed wire. It's for your own good. He has to keep you away for your own good. Levi is determined to cut the thread that binds you together, but he ignores that the cord is unbreakable.
You approach, removing the pin of the grenade. The delay material is burning.
His desk is the only object standing in the way. You tremble, your fists clench by your side, your nails are digging in your palms. You purse your lips into a thin line as your tears threaten to come out, but you fight them back with all the strength left in you.
Your eyes bore into his. Your breathing rags. Your chest feels stiff and heavy, you think you'd pass out. You hear the thumps of your heart.
The delay burns out and the detonator sets off.
"Tell me that night meant nothing to you!" You slam your hands on his desk. "Look me in the eye and tell me you felt nothing!"
Levi bites his lips. His jaw juts out. His enchanting grey eyes are piercing through your soul and you feel naked.
He opens his mouth, but immediately squeezes it shut.
"Good." You sweep your hair away from your face and turn the head to the side. "You're fucking unbelievable." You blurt and turn around and your tears finally swell in your eyes. Before you step out and without looking over your shoulder, you mutter, "Coward."
An 'I don't like you' could've been less painful than his silence.
The heart knows when something has come to an end, but it's stubborn and pretends to be blind, deaf and mute for fear of shattering into a million pieces, even when it knows that the blow is imminent.
You're shaking and your legs yield. You fall onto your knees covering your mouth with both hands as tears cascade down your face. As you break down in the middle of the corridor, you can't stop thinking about the future that lingers ahead. Even if it wrenches half your soul, you know exactly what you're going to do. The decision is made. You left behind the turning point several miles away.
It hurts, it hurts a lot. Like falling on a sea of thorns that tears your skin. It sucks that the person who made you feel special a minute ago, now makes you feel unwanted.
You don't waste time. Between tears and sobs, you pack your belongings and say goodbye to your room and office.
Erwin is taken aback, completely abashed when you drop the news of your resignation. You avoid the eye contact. If you tell the truth, he'll understand your decision, but you can't muster the courage to let the words come out of your mouth. If he finds out, eventually Levi would too. He'd get suspicious and you can't let it happen.
With a last hug, and a sea of tears in your eyes, you say goodbye to Erwin, and Hange and Moblit.
You return home, falling apart in your mother's arms. She doesn't say anything, she comforts you with caresses in your hair, and your favorite food and that's what you need now.
Helplessness, hit you when the colossal titan appears in Trost, and you witness how your city falls. Thanks to the Garrison and the new cadets, they manage to stop the invasion and evacuate the city on time.
A couple of months later, you and your mother return home.
The following weeks sum up in vomits, nausea, excessive pee, the craziest cravings, mom's embraces, frenzied weeping, a bulging belly, and maternity clothes.
Your legs are swollen and painful you barely have the energy to move. Your mother leaves the newspaper on the table before leaving for the market and with nothing else to do, you begin to turn the pages. Eren Yaeger, the boy who can transform into a titan, was taken under the wing of Levi and his squad. As you read his name in the newspaper, your heart skips a beat, and the paper crumples in your hands.
A month after, the Survey Corps embark on the 57th expedition facing an unprecedented enemy: the female titan. It ends in disaster. Countless soldiers lose their lives, among them, Levi's squad.
Then, the news of the death of Miche, Nanaba, Gelgar and Lynne tear your heart in two. Tears peek from your eyes as you caress your belly, wondering if you could've saved them. You feared that the bad news, grief and sadness that consumed you would inflict harm on the baby.
The sunlight slants through the window. You groggily wake up, rubbing your eyes, and stretch your body on the bed. A smile draws on your lips. Today it's going to be a good day.
You get off, and a splashing sound takes you by surprise when your feet meet the floor. Great. Stifling a yawn with your hand, you embark on the mission to fetch a mop. However, the glass of water resting on your nightstand is full to the brim. You glance down to your feet and your brows shoot upwards.
"MOM!" In a second, she's standing at your door."The baby" Panic rises within you. "The baby wants to come out."
Sweat pampers your face, your hair sticks in your forehead. Push. Oh! Walls, this is the worst pain ever. Push. If you ever see captain shorty again, you'd kill him. Push. You feel you're about to break apart. Push. You wish is his hand you are squeezing and not your mom's. Push.
The cries of a baby fuse with your screams, and you're relief that the torture ceases.
"Congratulations, Y/N." You hear the midwife saying as she cuts the umbilical cord and cleans up the baby. "It's a boy, a beautiful healthy boy." She swaddles him in a blanket and lays him in your arms. Tears swell in your eyes and you're trembling. This is the most precious moment in your life. You tug down the blanket under his chin to get a better look, and your mother drags a chair next to you.
"I'll be outside if you need me." The midwife says and leaves the room, and the three of you are finally alone.
You count his fingers and toes, and you chuckle as he yawns.
"He is so much prettier than you when you were born." Your mom teases.
You fake a glare at her and laugh.
Your eyes linger over his face and you didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the irony of fate. During the last few months, you were determined to forget him, but the stars conspired against you. A slap in the face from the universe. It wasn't only the thin black hair or the cute chubby cheeks. All you can see right now is Levi etched in every feature.
Damn dominant genes.
"Do you have a name in mind?"
"[S/N]." She smiles. "A beautiful name for a beautiful boy."
It's a bittersweet moment. You know you can't give him the home you dream of. Both parents raising him together.
All you know is that the splurges of love and tenderness will be infinite.
Part of you refuses to let him back into your life; the other wants to go out and fetch him, have him by your side, sharing the joy of being parents.
*
You sink in the couch and run your hands down your face. Being mother is exhausting and you can't slip your resignation letter under the door.
A heap of letters with the green wax seal of the Wings of Freedom rests on your coffee table. After the third one, you refuse to open them because reading them opens an old wound, like a scab you scrape off and the cut never heals. At least you acknowledge Erwin's persistence. Thanks to the Survey Corps and the Garrison, they were able to overthrow the former government. Historia was crowned as the new ruler, the pursuit of the Scouts halted and their popularity spiked.
The news spread fast.
Now, they are recruiting soldiers from all branches to join their ranks for the upcoming expedition.
You lie on the couch, strewing a blanket over your legs, and reached out for a cushion to place under your head.
A storm of 'what ifs' batters on your roof. What if you would have fought in Trost? What if you would have fought against the female titan, or the armored and the colossus titan? Would it have changed anything? Would your friends still be alive?
No. You can't sleep now. You uncover your legs and jump out of the coziness and warm. Something is nagging you and you have to put an end to it. You fetch a piece of paper and a quill and write back to Erwin.
Five days later, you meet up with brows at a tea house in Trost. In the letter you asked him to show up alone.
"Hey" you throw an apologetic smile as you sit down. "I'm sorry I'm late. I was helping mom in the flower shop."
He shakes his head, casting a smile. "I just arrive five minutes ago."
“It’s been a while.” You breathe, simpering.
You deeply appreciate he doesn't ask why you left in first place. The waiter takes your order and turns to leave. You lean forward, resting your shoulders on the table and prod your chin on your hands. After a brief catch up, Erwin gets to the point, and for a moment you regret sending the letter. Blue eyes bore into yours.
"The Survey Corps need you."
You chew the inside of your cheek as he explains the current situation and his strategy to return to Shiganshina. Now that Eren masters the hardening, plugging the hole in Wall Maria is almost a given. "Most of the soldiers who will embark on the mission have never seen a titan in their lives. They transferred from either the Garrison or the Military police."
You scrunch your nose and scratch your temple, kind of feeling sorry for them. Yeah, the situation is critical, and now you're caught between a rock and a hard place. Your heart is being pulled by opposite forces. You wish nothing more to go back to the ranks, to slaughter titans' napes, but you can't abandon your four-month child.
You close your eyes, nibbling on your lower lip, rubbing your hands on your thighs.
A long breath is dragged from your lungs. Your shoulders slump and you hold your palms in the air. "I have a child waiting for me at home, Erwin."
His funny eyes brows shoot upward. His lips part, and you avert the gaze, sucking your lower lip, your hands resting on the table.
"I'm sorry I didn’t tell you before. That's the reason I can't go back, not now. I… I don’t know what to do. Humanity needs me, my son needs me."
He casts a half smile and shakes his head, placing his hand on yours. "It's your decision, Y/N. Whatever you choose, I'll respect it."
"Thanks." One less burden to carry on your shoulders. "And please, don't mention it to anyone else."
He nods and smiles.
There's only one way out to all this.
You can't die.
*
As soon as you step into the headquarters, Hange almost squeezes you to death; lucky for you, Moblit shows up on time and stop them. You meet Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Sasha, Connie and Jean for the first time. They prepare a welcoming 'feast' for you on your first night that makes you yearn for your mother's cooking, yet you appreciate the nice gesture.
Hange locks with you in the lab and can't stop making questions about the baby. They want to meet him, but you're afraid they find out who the father is. It's obvious just by looking at him. Though, Hange is smart, and it's most likely they have their suspiciouns.
For the weeks previous to the expedition, you train hard, along with the new recruits to get back in shape, and to increase their chances of survival. You haven't made your decision yet, though. But you have to be ready for whatever comes. You attend meetings to discuss the arrangements, and only there, you swallow your anger and limit yourself to exchange more than two phrases with him. It hurts, though. But you're glad you're not alone. You're the last to arrive and the first to leave.
Nevertheless, you can't ignore the sadness painted all over his gaze as if part of his soul had been ripped out of him. You can't deny that seeing him like that makes your heart twist. Seeing the person you love sad makes you sad too. And therein lies the problem. Levi did hurt you, but what he did it's not what hurts the most. It hurts because of the feelings that lingers between the two of you. Without them, maybe, just maybe, it'd be easier to remove the thorn of your heart.
Fortunately for you, Levi seldom leaves his office since he is drowning in paperwork. Ten points for Erwin. You know what time he trains so you don't bump into him, and since you only work the mornings, you have your meals at home, plus you have Sundays off. You even asked Armin for the cleaning schedule to avoid running into grumpy, pants. On Saturdays Levi cleans the mess hall windows; on Tuesdays at 8am he supervises the cleaning duty at the stables; on Thursday mornings he checks the work in the men's bathrooms.
However, a week before the expedition, he goes off the script. You freeze as soon as you spot him in the hallway and slap your hands over your mouth. You feel the urge to turn around and run, but that'd be too pathetic, even for you. You shake your head and continue your way, praying to all deities that your heartbeat doesn’t echo across the corridor.
Lavender. He catches the smell of your shampoo, but he doesn’t turn around. His heart too, begins to pound as if its purpose is to jump out of his chest and run to yours. You watch him from the corner of your eyes. He is standing in front of the window, running a finger over the windowsill. He frowns at the layer of dust covering his fingertip and wipes it off with his handkerchief.
"Those brats don’t know how to do anything right," He grumbles under his breath, loud enough for his voice to reach your ears and dash straight to your core.
Even the dumbest things make you writhe when they come out of his mouth.
Right when you walk past behind him, Earth stops spinning, and you feel a jolt rippling from head to toe.
Levi is struck by the same feeling. He fights back the stupid impulse to go after you.
You both are doomed.
You make a strenuous effort to keep walking. To fight the urge to turn around and pounce into his arms, to kiss him, to tear his lips apart, to tell him that he's the father of your child.
Five days before the expedition.
"Mom, I promise [S/N] and I will be alright." It's the third time your mother opens the front door and turns back, placing her luggage on the floor.
"But–"
"You need to take a rest. Enjoy the weekend, have fun with your friends." You skimo kiss [S/N], then glance back to your mom with a warning look. "But don't drink too much."
"Are you sure, Y/N?" She asks with concern.
"We're not burning the house down in your absence." You roll your eyes. "Can you trust in us?"
"I trust him, not you."
Your jaw drops, and spin around. "You see," your address the baby in your arms, and fake cry. "Grandma is a meanie. She has no faith in me." You jut out your bottom lip.
"It's only two days mom." You turn around again. "So, you grab that luggage and get out of here before I literally kick you out."
Her shoulders sag and she surrenders. "Alright." She opens the door and looks back once more.
You lift [S/N]'s hand and wave goodbye. "We'll be good kids grandma." You said in a high-pitch voice, and he giggles. Your mother smiles and wave back.
"It's just you and I, little one. Do you have any plan in mind?" He yawns in response. "A nap sounds great."
You lay him in the cradle you bought for the living room, to have him close while you're cooking or cleaning. Besides, there's more space to play. [S/N] gives in to the gentle rocking and your soothing lullaby, and shortly after he succumbs to slumber.
You frown at the knocks on the door. You weren't expecting anyone.
Before reaching for the door, you roll your shoulders back and stretch your neck.
Who would've told you you need the highest dose of anesthesia to face what you're about to face?
You leave the chain tethered, but unlock the deadbolt and opened the door few inches.
Rather, you need an oxygen mask, because the air snaps out of your lungs in one second. Luckily for you he is looking in a different direction.
Fuck.
You slap a hand over your mouth and push the door close behind you. A sob breaks from your chest as your try to breathe through the pain and anger and fear. Why? Why is Levi standing on your porch? Why now? Now that you finally garnered the strength to move on. You slide down against the door, covering your ears, your eyes clamped shut, yet tears break through your lashes, spouting down your face.
"Oi! Y/N!" He is banging on your door and then baby cries fill the living room. The deafening noise stuns you; the earth quakes.
The knocking on the door ceases. Levi takes in a sharp breath and rests his palms on the wood. "Please, Y/N. Open the door. We need to talk." His voice is serene.
Now he wants to talk.
You walk toward the cradle in the living room and gently scoop [S/N] in your arms, resting his head on your shoulder.
"It's ok, it's ok. Mommy is here." You coo as you walk around with the baby, and his wailing gradually turns into sobs that soon falter. You plant a kiss on his head and your eyes land on the front door. You know it's time, it's been nagging you for a while; you know you can't no longer sit on it.
You're looking at him and his looking at you. Your heart is beating, but not out of rage or aching. It's love. That feeling never stopped flaring, and like a splinter in your chest, you want to chip it out. You don’t want to feel things for him.
Two wounded souls are standing in front of each other. You're only few inches apart. So close, yet so far. Both of you are so scared to move, to speak. You want to close the door and huddle in a corner and he wants to follow his steps back.
He is here.
Levi is here.
He's right here at your door.
Your breathing quickens and your legs are about to give up, yet, for the sake of [S/N], you keep your composure.
"Hey." You break the silence, your frantic brain trying to slow down. Levi doesn’t answer. He's stunned, wide eyes scoot from you to the baby back to you. A hurtful expression seizes his face, as though he's been stabbed with a rusty knife.
Confusion is drawn all over, still trying to process in his head the picture before him.
A baby? Your baby?
The puzzle pieces finally start to fall into place.
You step aside, but Levi doesn’t budge.
"Do you like my porch that much?" you huff. Levi shakes his head and steps in, closing the door behind him. There are toys and plushies and blankets scattered around the living room. "Did the cat bite your tongue?" Little snores resonate in your ear. [S/N] fell asleep on your chest, and you tuck him back in the cradle. You feel his eyes following each of your movements. He hasn’t shaken off the shock and you can't blame him. "Now you know why I quit. If you have nothing to say, then leave. I have a lot to do, so don't waste my time." You say, as you walk to the couch to fetch a teddy bear and settle it next to [S/N].
Pain lacerated his heart. What he wants most right now is to build a time machine and travel back to stop himself from acting like a jerk. He would never forgive himself for the damage he inflicted on the one person who had given him everything. He doesn’t have to ask, nor he needs to do quick math to know who the father is.
You nudge your chin at the door. "Let's talk outside, I don't want to wake him up."
An 'I'm sorry' would be the most stupid thing to say.
You stare at each other for a while and after letting out a sigh, Levi blurts, "I'm sorry."
You snort and roll the eyes, resting a hand on your hips. "you are fucking unbelievable."
"I don't know what else to say." Levi starts quivering in desperation and pain. His muscles tense as a bolt of sorrow blasts through him, dragging him to the verge of collapsing. Tears peek at the corners of his eyes. "Insult me, tell me I screwed up. That I hurt you, that you hate me and that you can't forgive me."
You take a step closer and jab a finger on his chest. Your rage-burning eyes bore into his. "Listen to me, you fucking asshole. Yes, you screwed it up. Yes, you motherfucking hurt me. You broke my heart into a zillion pieces, and now that I'm finally parching it up, you decide to come back. You don't know everything I went through since the day I found out I was pregnant. All the tears I shed, all the anguish I had to endure on my own. I didn’t even have a shoulder to cry on. I had to give up my dreams, Levi. Everything I worked hard for. I didn't want to raise this child on my own, and I tried to get rid of him. I wished he wasn't yours. Fuck, I wished I didn't have something that was half you growing inside of me." You spill it all and a strange sensation swathes you. You wipe your tears and spin around, dragging out a long breath, and rake your fingers through your hair. It's liberating to pour out the thoughts and feelings you'd bottled up all these months. The boulder you carried on your shoulders disintegrates.
You swivel around again to face him, and add, "As much as I'd like to, I don't hate you, Levi. I can't hate you. However, I'm still not sure whether I can forgive you."
"I'm…sorry." His voice cracks. "I know it's not enough, but I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Levi sniffles and finally succumbs. Your words wallop him like a horse kick. His shoulders hunch forwards as he presses the heels of his hands to his eyes, and tears spew out. His whole body shudders and his legs surrender.
Levi falls onto his knees, sobs tearing out of his chest. You cry too because you're hurting as much as he is, and kneel before him, wrapping your arms around him. You become a weeping mess, shipwrecking in a sea of tears. It's the first time you see Levi crying. His mask falling apart.
You cradle his head to your shoulder and press a kiss on his forehead. You both cry until you there's no more tears left to shed; until it physically hurts.
Levi sits next to you on the couch, leaning forward, his elbows resting on his thighs, and his fingers entwined. His red, swollen eyes are fixed on the wooden floor. You pick at your nails, tapping your foot.
Levi is still quiet. He drags in a sharp breath and leans back. He tilts his head backward, and covers his eyes under the crook of his arm.
"Do you have a lump of shit for brain? Against all odds, you still want to venture on that hellish mission?" Chagrin and dismay envelop his voice. He takes a peek from under his arm. "You can't go, Y/N."
You frown.
He drops his arm and turns the head to the side. His broken eyes are nailed to yours and you can see the pain and sorrow flashing in his face. You don't argue back. Every word whips your heart, but he's right and you deserve the scolding. "He can't grow up without his mother." He groans, pressing his hands to his eyes. "I mean, what if–"
"Don't say it."
You know what he means. You can see it in his eyes: a motherless boy, alone, frightened, and famished, huddle in a corner of a filthy, dark room.
For a second you become the little girl with the big, dreaming eyes, who walks hand in hand with her mother, making her way through the crowd. The chains rattle and the door to the unknown world rises. You seek your father among the dejected faces of the soldiers, you can't wait to hug him, to welcome him home. But your smile fades and the world crumbles. Your heart smashes the walls of your chest and a lump seizes your throat. You recognize it, the bracelet around the soldier's wrist dangling over the end of the cart. You crafted it yourself. A present for your dad for his last birthday. You know the face of the soldier wrapped in the blood-stained blanket. A sharp pain twists your guts. Your head is throbbing and your legs are shaking. Suddenly, the world turns black. You collapse.
You gaze up, then close your eyes and take a deep breath. "The Survey Corps is my life, Levi." You pause and turn the head towards the cradle where the baby soundly sleeps. "I know it's thoughtless, and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself, but I have to do it."
"Does Erwin know? Did he know, yet asked you to join us?" Levi tenses with rage and smack a fist on the couch.
"Hange knows too."
Right, shitty-glasses. Levi growls.
"They don’t know who the father is, though."
"Are you going on this mission?"
You don’t reply.
Levi feels like tying you up to your bed and lock you in your room with two guards flanking the door until his return. He'd probably break your legs too. You're dangerous and he needs to take all the precautions.
His hand rests next to yours, and he deliberately brings it closer, watching carefully your reaction. As if your skin has memory on its own, the fleeting brush of his pinky finger is enough to awake the delightful sensations his fingers tips had carved in your flesh. A shiver ruffles from your hand straight to your heart, igniting every cell on its way. Your body stiffens and he drags his hand away.
He proves what you fear the most, that your feelings for him still burn with the same intensity. You don’t choose whom to love. How could you? Love strikes you like a lightning bolt and knocks you out in the middle of a field of sunflowers.
Levi stands up, and stretches his arms over his head before heading to the kitchen. Your eyes follow him. You can hear the water sizzling down, filling a metallic pot.
Those tiny babbles and lip trills reach your ears and a smile blooms in your lips. You walk over to the cradle and rock it side to side, until those innocent, gray eyes meet yours.
“Hi, my handsome prince." [S/N] yawns, stretching his arms and kicking his legs. You reach out for a duck shaped hanging rattle toy and bring it close to his arms, waggling it up and down. In between giggles he tries to grab it, with claps and tiny fists.
You're playing peekaboo, and exchanging funny noises you don't hear the kettle whistle nor Levi's steps approaching. Levi put the tray with steamy cups of tea on the coffee table and hesitantly walk towards you.
Big gray eyes dart in his direction. Levi is standing by your side. You turn your head towards him, and the corners of your mouth rise. He's utterly hypnotized; he can't take his eyes off of his child.
His child.
"He betrayed me." You rest your hands on your hips and sigh. "I carried him in my womb for nine months and he came just like you. That’s not fair." You pinch the toddler's cheek.
"Life's not fair." Levi grips the crib rail, scrunching his nose and making funny faces. "What's the name?"
"[S/N]." You look back to the baby who is making grabby hands and casting toothless smiles at Levi. You purse your lips. "I haven't registered the birth, though."
Levi gulps and opens his mouth to speak, but regrets it.
"Do you want to hold him?"
Levi stares at you and nods.
You slide a hand under the baby's head, the other under his bottoms and scoop him up, bringing him to your chest and cradle him in your arms. "Hey, I want you to meet someone."
Levi mimics the position of your arms and you pass [S/N] off to him. "[S/N], this is Levi," you murmur. "He's…" you rise your eyes locking them with Levi's and he nods. "He's your dad."
He can't describe what it feels like to hold his son in his arms. Warm tingles swamp his chest, overwhelmed with a mix of joy, love, and pride. He can't believe he created with you something so innocent and pure and fragile, his blood is running through his veins. Levi battles with himself to relax; he's afraid to hurt [S/N] or break him. A tear rolls down his cheek, his quivering lips struggle to pull out a smile.
For a brief moment, you can visualize the family you dream of for your child. Levi meets your eyes and whispers, "I'm proud of you." He then lowers his gaze, "You'd better not giving a hard time to your mother."
[S/N] replies with babbles and giggles.
Suddenly, the living room is dank with an unpleasant smell. You drag your nose close to [S/N] and sniffle, pinching your nostrils shut and turning your head away.
Levi frowns and scrunches his nose. "You stinky little brat."
"Let's go upstairs. The changing table is in his room."
Levi follows you.
You lean on your shoulder against the door frame, arms folded on your chest and legs crossed at the ankles. A smile plastered on your face as you watch Levi changing the diaper. He disposes the yucky cloth into a bucket to be washed later and draws out a clean one from a drawer. You're amazed by how skilled he is in this field, like he's a natural. Once he's done, he brings his mouth to [S/N]'s belly and blows raspberries on his tummy.
After breastfeeding [S/N] and drinking your cold tea, you're curled up on your bed, facing each other, while your bundle of joy is asleep in the middle. His hand is wrapped around your index finger.
Levi curls an arm under the pillow, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before meeting your gaze. "He's five months old, Y/N. Why haven't you registered his birth?" The question doesn't take you by surprise.
You take in a sharp breath. "Because I didn’t want to leave the father's information in blank." You glance at your trapped finger. "Part of me refused to give up on you." You look back at him. "Listen, Levi. I can't pluck you out from his life, and I can't pluck him out of yours. It's your choice, and I won't oblige you to do anything you don't want to." You exhale and avert your gaze. "And, about you and I, I don't want to give you fake hopes."
Levi strokes your cheek with the back of his hand, before resting his warm palm on your face. Your eyes are locked. A dry, intense heartbeat pummels you, taking your breath away. The tingling and heat in your cheeks intensifies. You feel like a sixteen-year-old victim of her hormones and the magic of first love. You're so weak for him that with a single touch of his hand your body surrenders. Nonetheless, you had left the teenage years behind a long ago; you are no longer the young girl enlisting in the military to get to know the sea, but an adult with responsibilities and a child to raise. You have to make up your mind.
"Ackerman," he breaths.
"Uh? Ackerman?" You rise a brow.
"That’s my last name. I found out recently." He tucks your hair behind your ear. "I want him to carry it."
Levi wipes the misty line of tears forming under your eyes. Your jaw quivers, and words get stuck in your throat. The room is quiet, except for the baby snores dangling in the air. The silences between you doesn't feel awkward anymore. You gently pry your finger from [S/N]'s grasp.
"Levi."
"Uh?"
"I think I deserve the truth." Your eyes dart around, then land on his. He perceives what's coming next, the question you're setting in the cannon. Your heart is thrumming. You moisten your lips and continue, "why were you avoiding me?"
Levi’s mouth part, his lower lip trembles. He rubs a hand down his face and scratches his nose. "Because…" he glances at the baby, then back at you, and exhales. "Because I was falling in love with you."
Your glossy eyes widen, confusion, sadness, pain flash across your face. Someone is cutting your chest open and ripping your heart, your eyes clouded by the tears that uncontrollably spew out.
A vine with thorns imprisons his heart, and he's bleeding out too.
You nuzzle your face in the pillow to muffle your sobs, before accidentally waking up [S/N].
"You were right. I'm a coward." He rolls on his back, folding his arms under his head.
When calm enfolds you, you shuffle onto your side again. Your eyes linger along his forehead, his nose, his lips, chin and neck. The resemblance with [S/N] is quite scary. You clear your throat and spit the question that’s been bugging your head. "Did you already smash on the ground? Did you regret it?"
He shakes his head, and a corner of his lips quirks up. Levi turns the head to the side, meeting your face and says, “I'll never stop falling, Y/N. It's a bottomless abyss.”
