I still don't know what I'm trying to do here anymore. The loss of anonymity changes the tone, changes the vibe. I cant speak to you honestly anymore. I feel seen and that discredits myself in a way. I'm not supposed to exist here, im just supposed to be thoughts and now that's lost. Me writing here is me trying to hold onto something. Me trying to hold on to what it use to be like when i turn out the light, walk up the stairs, and disappear into the night into my computer. But thats not me anymore, I have a foot in reality at any given moment. I am a mother always now. Even when im trying to be myself, its fundamentally changed and Im no longer who I was. I know it's right, but I still feel loss. I don't know if its worth it to lose that whimsy. Performative whimsy i can do, as a color palette, as a wardrobe change, as some words, i can still act whimsy, but to feel it in my soul, is gone. I will always have one foot firmly on the ground. My back foot, my stabilizing foot, my flat foot. She is steady and firm. Real. I am seated in reality forever. I didn't know love would make me take this pill.