Week 8: Showing Off with Neon Peacocks
I decided to use tool 21 "Know when to back off and when to show off" and because it's still October I decided to continue telling another Halloween-esque story (one that's not so spooky though).
In the Past
The man opened his eyes, the sky was blue and peacocks were dancing around laughing at him. "You're a living dead, you're a living dead" They chanted pointing at the man as he stood up.
Suddenly everything stopped, and the man opened his eyes for a second time, darkness stared back at him. "Ah, it was only a dream" he thought to himself, as he rolled over on his side, creating a scraping noise that pierced the heavens as his bony body scraped upon the side of his obliterated casket.
Revision
The man opened his eyes, the sky was blue and peacocks as tall as skyscrapers were dancing around him like figure skaters going for the gold on Olympic night. These neon colored peacocks shined like a light-brite as they cackled gleefully at the man "you're a living dead, you're a living dead." They chanted in unison, pointing to the man with their neon colored feathers as the man stood up.
Suddenly everything stopped and the man opened his eyes for a second time. All he saw was the dark of the night. "It was only a dream," he thought to himself as he rolled over, his bony body scraping against the side of his rotting casket.
I understood what the author was saying, although it was kind of hard for me to transfer this kind of idea into fiction writing so I gave it my best shot. Because the peacocks are more playful and not really important to the plot (it's a dream sequence too, which is an excuse to be trippy), I decided to add in some exaggerations making the dream sequence more fun. Then, when the man wakes up, I took away the exaggeration and tried to understate things, giving the second paragraph a more serious tone. Thus building up to the important revelation in the second paragraph that the man really is a living dead while also being a surprise because that only seemed like it was part of the dream.
From chapter 23 I think this will help by showing me what passages I might want to take out while reading out loud.
Chapter 24 sounds like it will be helpful in writing as I can outline ideas about what I want in my writing before I write the paper. Then I have some ideas about what I want to write about while also having some leeway so I can write something new if the moonlight strikes me.