Nerdtacular 2017 and Me
I have been waiting so long to go to Nerdtacular and this year was finally the year, and now I’m here and I feel so... fucking... miserable. I knew that it was going to be a challenge doing this alone, but I’ve done so much shit alone in my life and I usually almost always handle it in stride. I take pride in people looking at me and saying “Are you here alone?” Like, yes, motherfucker, I am here alone. @ me. I dare you.
But here, something’s different. I thought this would be an easier experience than some of the other things I have done in my life. I was more nervous about going to that UM show with someone I know because I feared being outsider than coming here alone, because here I thought I was going to get on well. I’m not saying I expected to walk into this place and suddenly make a million best friends. I just felt like I would get along well here, even if I was alone. But that’s not the case.
No matter how many places I have gone alone, this is the first time I have felt so totally alone. I do’t feel like I belong at all. I feel like an outsider. And I feel like people look at me like I’m an outsider. I watch people walking up to other people sitting alone and they go “HEY ARE YOU ALONE I’M SO AND SO LET’S BE FRIENDS!” And suddenly they’re having an engaging and smart conversation. Meanwhile, I’m sitting alone, and I feel like people give me these looks of pity. Like, oh, look at that girl sitting there alone. And I’m doing that college freshman bullshit advice thing where I’m trying not to be on my phone constantly, I’m not walking around with headphones in or sitting around listening to headphones before panels, I smile politely to everyone who passes. And yet, I still just feel like I am failing at all of this.
Not to mention the fact that I have had some rather negative run ins with other con attendees. Not like a rumble or anything, but I just feel like people are not as friendly as I expected. For years I have been seeing and hearing how Nerdtacular is less of a con and more of a family reunion. And while I’m not naive about how how everyone gets along, I just feel like I don’t belong here. I’m honestly considering maybe leaving tomorrow night and then getting a hotel or airbnb in the city and check out SLC some more before my flight on Sunday.
I just feel sad. I feel sad that this isn’t what I expected. I just had a super horrible moment at Battle of the Frogpants All-Stars that culminated in me just feeling like shit and leaving halfway through to go back to my room and cry. Which, honestly, is all I’ve been doing since I arrived yesterday. Intermittent crying. I feel so defeated and isolated and broken.