#never published draft

[tanyas-diary]

There’s something about him...

I know this is a one-sided love. I know he doesn’t see me as I see him. I know he doesn’t feel what I feel. And I am sure he doesn’t think about me... at all. 

I know this things because I confessed. I let him know what my feelings were and he knew I was being honest. Yet, he kept silent.

The thing is... I still like him, a lot. I am still in love with him. I am freaking head over heels for him. I close my eyes and see his smile. I go to bed and hope to see him in my dreams. All of it just because sometimes I see something there.

I get angry every time he doesn’t beg for my attention. Yes, he begs for it sometimes. 

I get jealous whenever I see him being close to someone else. He notices and tries somehow to apologize, he’s done it several times.

I feel all this things that I’ve been dying to feel for so long, but... That is it. It is just me feeling it all.

Well, maybe, considering what I’ve said, I am not the only one...? 

Everything is so confusing, because he does things he shouldn’t and sometimes act in a weird way. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

I feel like I am drowning in all these bittersweet flood full of little moments.

That is the main reason why I want to let him go before this year ends. Damn.

I am so grateful I got to feel all of it at once. I am so thankful for those awkward moments and the not-looking-when-you-are-looking contest we participated in.

Hell! I am thankful for him just being part of my life for a few months.

But yeah... I know I can’t continue like this. I got to let him go because he will never be mine. And I know at some point my feelings will become sickness, as they always do.

[tanyas-diary]

December 20th...

She decided she wanted to feel it too. She wanted to stop the hurt in his heart but she knew she couldn’t do it unless she broke aswell.

“He is dead”, she whispered, trying to realize what’s been happening.

“I know”, he said and took her hand in his as if he was trying to hold their feelings together.

And she really wanted to let him know that he was; he held it all.

“He is dead”, she reassured him.

He looked at her and both their eyes lost their beautiful brightness. He finally met her true feelings. Their hearts collided. 

“I know”, he repeated.

They both let the tears fall down their faces. They poured their hearts out and somehow that was good.

They felt it. Deeply felt it all.

For the first time in their lives, they were able to stop being afraid of their emotions. Somehow, they knew they were breaking and that was why they could feel each other more than ever. 

[tanyas-diary]

September 29th

Two months without writing… Like I have not written absolutely anything and well I haven’t even been here to look at stuff.

Adulthood is such a tiring and annoying thing.

Anyhow… I came today because I had a weird dream last night. And I normally write down my dreams on a notebook because it’s just easier but I needed to come here and write about the whole context so here I am…

So, there’s a new guy in my life. I wouldn’t say he is exactly part of my life because we are not exactly friends. Let’s just say we had to work on a project together for a few weeks and so we talk but its’ nothing special. He used to have a girlfriend until like a month ago or so and I know he was still in college and well he knows my name, ha!

One day, while we were working, I felt his eyes on me like his life depended on it. You know that feeling? When someone just stares and you just feel weird? Since then I’ve been feeling kind of awkward around him. 

And after that weird day, in which he also made sure I knew he was done with his girlfriend, he told me I’m kind of rude with guys. Yes, that’s probably true. Being with people is not my thing and when guys try to get near me in any way I just take a step back.

I might seem annoying and shit, but I can’t control it. What you guys think I should do? I mean it is not like I want to be liked by everyone but I don’t want to be rude either, you know what I mean?

[tanyas-diary]

When she was a kid she thought blue was her favorite color. Somehow, after a few years she started liking yellow. No other color would make her feel as happy as yellow did... 

Until she met him and green appeared.