Tanya's Diary

SORRY ABOUT THE MESS AROUND HERE. I'LL TRY TO FIX IT UP ASAP // I write what I need to say. I capture what I like to see. I listen and dig deep into it.

[tanyas-diary]

New Dramione fanfiction by yours truly~ Hope you go check it out <3

[tanyas-diary]

[whisperingn1ghts]

He's literally my bbg wdym

[tanyas-diary]

Duuuuuude!!! It's been years... I can't believe I still know my password lol

Anyway... I'm back. I have so much to get off of my chest, but first things first: I'll do some clean up and hopefully I'll soon fill this space with words and magic again. I do miss this site~

[stapes]

You are an insufferable, arrogant…MAN

Temperance Brennan to Seeley Booth (via stapes)

[tanyas-diary]

Changes 🛬 . . . . . #CDMX #Seoul #Mexico #SouthKorea #MetroCDMX #TMoney https://www.instagram.com/p/Bm2UnmklKE2/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1llan7oh6y9ff

[tanyas-diary]

May 28th

Every little memory is coming back; that makes me feel like the story is not over yet. I hate that. I hate to feel that way. He does not care, I know he doesn't. Not like I do. Why am I still losing sleep over it? The situation is not gonna change. What am I doing? Can I get rid of this feelings already?

[tanyas-diary]

Daydreaming ✨ #Tenshi #Dog #dogsofinstagram #perro #perrosdeinstagram #개 #개스타그램

[tanyas-diary]

She got to the classroom and tried to avoid everyone’s eyes. She sat on her desk and pulled her phone out her pocket. She talked to her friend, who sat behind her, but she really didn’t want to look up; she didn’t want to see anything but her own little world. He got in the room and a chill went through her spine. She was sure her face became red the second he greeted everyone with a couple of words. He seemed fine... Normal. She locked her eyes onto her book and notes for a while. After getting some courage, she tried to look at him when she thought he wasn’t looking, but he kind of was. Whenever her eyes placed on his direction, his face got a bit more color and his shoulders tensed. She felt ignored, or so she tried to tell herself. She tried to excuse the situation because, hell yes, she could see it. She couldn't deny herself a little bit of hope... Why would he feel embarrassed if she meant nothing to him? Why would he blush and get nervous if he didn’t think of her as someone special? Why would he say her name without looking at her when she was sure they have reached closeness before? Those little things had to mean something! Right? He called her name twice after almost two hours. He would normally try to get her attention more than 20 times in an hour alone, but today was different. She felt hopeful but also kind of miserable because things stayed that weird and awkward way for a little bit longer... Two or three weeks longer. ~~~~~~~~~~ Is it chill that you are in my head? ~~~~~~~~~~ He tried not to look at her. But when he got the chance, he saw her from the corner of his eye and his face got colorful for a moment. He cleared his throat and took his book in his hands. The class felt different... Quiet. No one seemed to notice his seriousness. No one seemed to notice he was a bit more into the topic than usual. He avoided everyone’s eyes, but he tried to get that action unnoticed. He talked and talked until he felt brave enough, just to caught her lost in her book. Or so he thought until her cheeks became as red as they could. He looked away. He didn’t know why... Damn it. He wanted to see her, but maybe he didn’t want to look at her? Maybe he was afraid of what the situation would become? Would she regret it? Would she take her words back? Why would she avoid his eyes if that wasn’t the case? Why was he avoiding her gaze?! At some point, when he tried to ignore his train of thought, his chest felt heavy. He hadn’t pronounced her name, not even once, after an hour and half of class; but he was dying to call for her attention. He really wanted for her to look at him but he knew she wasn’t going to show herself as she normally would. The situation wasn’t normal at all. He skimmed the room and before he knew it, her name slipped through his lips. It felt good but she didn’t seem to relax, so he tried once again. And when her eyes wouldn’t met his, he lost all hope of normality. It seemed lost for a long time... It was completely lost after two or three weeks.

[tanyas-diary]

There’s something about him...

I know this is a one-sided love. I know he doesn’t see me as I see him. I know he doesn’t feel what I feel. And I am sure he doesn’t think about me... at all. 

I know this things because I confessed. I let him know what my feelings were and he knew I was being honest. Yet, he kept silent.

The thing is... I still like him, a lot. I am still in love with him. I am freaking head over heels for him. I close my eyes and see his smile. I go to bed and hope to see him in my dreams. All of it just because sometimes I see something there.

I get angry every time he doesn’t beg for my attention. Yes, he begs for it sometimes. 

I get jealous whenever I see him being close to someone else. He notices and tries somehow to apologize, he’s done it several times.

I feel all this things that I’ve been dying to feel for so long, but... That is it. It is just me feeling it all.

Well, maybe, considering what I’ve said, I am not the only one...? 

Everything is so confusing, because he does things he shouldn’t and sometimes act in a weird way. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

I feel like I am drowning in all these bittersweet flood full of little moments.

That is the main reason why I want to let him go before this year ends. Damn.

I am so grateful I got to feel all of it at once. I am so thankful for those awkward moments and the not-looking-when-you-are-looking contest we participated in.

Hell! I am thankful for him just being part of my life for a few months.

But yeah... I know I can’t continue like this. I got to let him go because he will never be mine. And I know at some point my feelings will become sickness, as they always do.

[tanyas-diary]

December 20th...

She decided she wanted to feel it too. She wanted to stop the hurt in his heart but she knew she couldn’t do it unless she broke aswell.

“He is dead”, she whispered, trying to realize what’s been happening.

“I know”, he said and took her hand in his as if he was trying to hold their feelings together.

And she really wanted to let him know that he was; he held it all.

“He is dead”, she reassured him.

He looked at her and both their eyes lost their beautiful brightness. He finally met her true feelings. Their hearts collided. 

“I know”, he repeated.

They both let the tears fall down their faces. They poured their hearts out and somehow that was good.

They felt it. Deeply felt it all.

For the first time in their lives, they were able to stop being afraid of their emotions. Somehow, they knew they were breaking and that was why they could feel each other more than ever. 

[tanyas-diary]

September 29th

Two months without writing… Like I have not written absolutely anything and well I haven’t even been here to look at stuff.

Adulthood is such a tiring and annoying thing.

Anyhow… I came today because I had a weird dream last night. And I normally write down my dreams on a notebook because it’s just easier but I needed to come here and write about the whole context so here I am…

So, there’s a new guy in my life. I wouldn’t say he is exactly part of my life because we are not exactly friends. Let’s just say we had to work on a project together for a few weeks and so we talk but its’ nothing special. He used to have a girlfriend until like a month ago or so and I know he was still in college and well he knows my name, ha!

One day, while we were working, I felt his eyes on me like his life depended on it. You know that feeling? When someone just stares and you just feel weird? Since then I’ve been feeling kind of awkward around him. 

And after that weird day, in which he also made sure I knew he was done with his girlfriend, he told me I’m kind of rude with guys. Yes, that’s probably true. Being with people is not my thing and when guys try to get near me in any way I just take a step back.

I might seem annoying and shit, but I can’t control it. What you guys think I should do? I mean it is not like I want to be liked by everyone but I don’t want to be rude either, you know what I mean?

[tanyas-diary]

When she was a kid she thought blue was her favorite color. Somehow, after a few years she started liking yellow. No other color would make her feel as happy as yellow did... 

Until she met him and green appeared.

[tanyas-diary]

True friends 💖 #friends #amigos #친구 #개 #dog #perro #mujer #여자 #woman #nofilter

[tanyas-diary]

He didn’t have to do it. He didn’t have to ask and yet, he did. 

She didn’t know if it was about being polite, about him having real feelings for her or if it was just his ego claiming attention; she didn’t know a freaking thing.

However, the fact that he looked at her and asked that stupid question was just enough for her stomach to feel twisted and for her mouth to smile against her will.

She felt good. And in that moment, the best thing of it all, was that she knew she was finally free. She didn’t even remember anyone before meeting him. She was clean and clear. She felt great.

[tanyas-diary]

May 19th

Oh, wow. It’s been so long, I can barely remember how to write a post here... Haha! I’ve been well and you know just doing stuff, living life. Anyway... I’m here to just say something that I’m sure you won’t understand because I don’t think anyone around here knows the story. I’m sorry that I’m not explaining but I just need to let it out without anyone knowing exactly what I am talking about because I’m just, AGH! So frustrated right now. Okay! Here it goes... Why am I always like this? Why do I overthink everything?! All might mean nothing. Maybe I’m just thinking that there is something that is not even near of being... Am I really confused about my feelings right now? Am I even considering the possibility of having someone in my heart? Or maybe it is just my need of screwing someone else’s everything up just for fun? Do I really know about the other person’s feelings? Did she lie? Is she lying? Are these people joking around? Who knows the truth? Am I considering doing the same thing I did years ago? Why am I back to feeling with the power of having someone else’s happiness by taking it away from them? GOD! Please help me understand the real situation! Let me know when I’m doing wrong! Because right now I don’t know if what I am thinking is right or if what I am planning to do is really because I care...

[tanyas-diary]

July 29th

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything... Like not a fanfic update, not a dramatic post here. What’s with me?

Well... Hmm, just for my own sake I’ll write something here and now. You must know that several things happened in the past months but like nothing that important or huge though, so I pray you don’t get bored. Haha!

First, as you might know already, my friend Alex and I finally got a YouTube Channel and we are blogging about shit. It’s totally random and we are just starting so be kind please?; if you want to check it out click here. 

Second... In a few days I’m gonna start school. Like not a masters or anything but since I’ve been obsessed with Korean Dramas and K-Pop, well, I’m gonna learn a new language just because. I hope I can at least learn how to introduce myself properly in Korean. Wish me luck because I’m afraid most people that like K-pop are actually teens and I feel old.

And last but not least... You know already that my dog, Snoopy, died back in January and mom was freaking out and we all were sad; but then she (my mom) realized she can’t live without a dog so about a month ago she got one. We named her “Tenshi” and she’s so tiny, so freaking small I feel like I’m gonna break her in half every damn time I pick her up, haha. But she’s been my only friend lately and she loves me and I’m in love with her. 

Anyway, I think that’s all guys. I’m really praying for me to get up and write or read or do something other than binge watch Modern Family all over again... So, yeah...

XO,

Tan~