Where to Start
I never know where to start with things. How to establish a foundation and then what to build on it. But, like you I know that somehow, in my own way I am destined for greatness.
I remember telling a guy that I was very successful and he told me that I was full of myself. I measure success in how happy I am. At that time, I was really happy with myself, thus successful. That was in 2014, one year after the most fucked up and hardest decision I have ever made/done. I was happy to have nearly self-healed. Who cheers for the bad guy anyways? I was the anti-hero in my own life.
I guess what you just read was my starting point. I think it should flow from there. ... No one really warns you that you are going to grow up and question every decision you have ever made. We have this ideal situation, married by late 20′s (enough time to live), fun wedding, great pics and then kids to follow. Own shit. One car, one truck. Make money.... and raise a family, get a spray tan, next botox, resent everything....
I stopped myself right when the discussion of children came up. I stopped everything. In fact, after trying to talk about it, I went ahead and ruined my marriage to make the ending seem to make sense to everyone. It was easier that way. And selfish as all hell. It still hurt me, but at least I didn’t give birth and hate a child. I don’t know why that looms in my mind, that I wouldn’t like my own blood. But it was my largest fear.
Just in saying (typing ) those things I feel like I got a chance to let some of it go free. I was really afraid to fall into a Stepford wife situation. To be forced to go sit in the corner with the other wives, all prim and giggling over wine. (I never felt like I belonged in this situation, no offense). I have always been an outsider. Dudes generally talk about things that I can relate to. I spent 13 years fighting for respect amongst men, so I tend to gravitate to them just out of habit. I was never meant to be a trophy.
I think that’s a good place. Welcome to the mid of shameless grace.