SHAMELESS GRACE

Tales of the anxiety ridden exhibitionist

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Who Is Shameless Grace

Once upon a time there was this young err...lady. She didn’t know how to relate to the people (dudes) she worked with so she became really vulgar. 

Hello, that is the story of how I tried to gain male respect in a non-sexual weird comic book way. I am not ugly, I am not a supermodel. I am very cute in the way that anyone feels like they can approach me. It is a curse. I countered this with a very very special case of disgustingness. I would do anything in order to be gross to the men that I worked with. 

Example: I happened to be in a very public place, there were no restrooms. The situation was dire for all of us. There was no other option, we had to go out in the open. I was no stranger to urinating in public. This was even more special than that. I had to take a serious dump. So I did. I asked motherfuckers not to watch, and in broad daylight in knee-high grass, I took a glorious dump. I was given the nickname shameless. 

I did many other things that were more relatable to men than women. Like enough to confuse most people. I was OK with that because it took me off the menu. 

[shameless-grace-blog]

I Don’t Know, Love and other stuff

How personal do YOU keep your relationships? Your work life? Do they blend? Do you keep them separate? 

I have never known how to handle this shit. My career oddly enough, made me feel pretty cozy talking about a lot of intimate details. It was in our culture to discuss stuff. 

I left off with the first date with the guy I am still with. He is just like me, a rock star with a dark side. Together we are a mess. I love the shit out of him, Two years strong, we have been together. 

I was almost afraid to open this bloggy thing with a love based topic. I have a pretty interesting story, but I think I may have an interesting time describing it without giving too much detail. 

I had a career that required me to move all the time. I started it young. It was male dominated and I was a shit show. I worked pretty hard. I had a tough time  with self-esteem and begin surrounded by guys that would hit on me one moment and disrespect me the next. I quickly learned not to shit where I ate.  I  can say that after a few years I got really proficient at my job. I really loved it because I had a lot of power for a young lady my age. Not many men in the country were doing what I did. It gave me a really decent grasp on loving myself. My job had come to define me. It did not seem to bother me for nearly a decade.

All I can say, and want to say was that I was a juggernaut. I cared a lot about the power I had at work. I could not say the same about my home life. I was a star on the job site. I was (for the most part) listened to, respected and even feared a little. I loved that. After my marriage went down I moved. I started a new job and no one seemed to fully understand my potential. I was not offered any amount of respect. I had a very hard time with that. 

I left not only that job (because of terrible management) but I left the entire career behind. Guess what I did? I went to college to get my undergrad. Ha! What a chump? No. I feel that it was better than being disrespected every day. Here I am, 30 something, no kids, a little tattered from life and honestly looking for a safe-ish place to write this down. I don’t know if I want people to read this. I guess I want others to know that  they aren’t alone. Holy shit, please tell me I am not the only asshole to be pulling this stunt this late in life!

Tiny meltdown.... am I the only person that really wanted something as trivial as respect and kind of gave up A LOT in order to feel gratified? More than likely, no.

I

[shameless-grace-blog]

How I Got Happy (and sad again)

So ... there I was bragging to some guy on OKCupid, telling him that I was successful because I was happy alone. I remember thinking that was such a crock of shit. 

One year before that, I sabotaged a relatively perfect marriage that I had no business being a part of. I made it as messy as possible and then I moved to another state and cried and drank myself into an oblivion. I ran miles when I had time. I went to the bar very often. I took a side job so that I worked every day of the week. I don’t recommend any of this. 

I started online dating. Not like what you would think. A friend of mine mentioned fetlife. He had some things that were specific and it was a good place for him to feel free. So, I tried it too. Of course, I find the one sweet guy on a fetish site, who happened to be in a wheelchair and he knew how to get to me.  I really liked the guy, we dated for six months in a ling distance (I’d drive to see him once or twice a month). He was polyamorous. That means he believed in having multiple romantic relationships simultaneously. I was intrigued, he seemed so thoughtful for his partners. He would allow others to give his ladies what he couldn’t. I am shaking my head and laughing at this now because... he didn't need to do that. Maybe he was using it as a front to have a bunch of ladies. Even if he did, it worked. But it didn’t work for me. It kind of broke my heart, and I  really tried to let it be OK. 

Moving on. That same lover, while we were still dating, encouraged me to find a lover. You think it would be hard, but men were totally OK with being a bang sesh. I again, couldn’t do it. Before I damaged my marriage, I was much better at casual sex. This time, I wanted to be careful, for my sake. So we broke up and I continued online dating. 

I can’t remember the first date.... I dig and dig and nothing comes to mind. Let’s reflect. There was the guy with a partially protruding organ, the other poly guy, the guy that met me for lunch ...he was way older than I thought.... There were a lot. I didn’t know about Tinder. When I did know, I thought it was kind mean. Every date I went on ended in a kiss that I did not ask for, but I didn’t stop either. It was a strange thing. I seemed to vacate my body each time. 

I had a really interesting roommate at the time. At one point I really liked and admired her, and then I saw her for what she was, really judgemental.  She was heartbroken and I was trying to help her. So my callous ass showed her my dating app. I was at thing point over it, I had deactivated it because it was stressing me out.  I reactivated it to hopefully help her and in those few minutes, I got a message. It was from a guy that was well spoken and had ridiculous pictures. I gave him my number and told him that I was deactivating the account. 

Mind you.  I was having a pretty grand old time. I was drinking a lot. I had a really nice house within walking distance from the bars in a small town. It was pretty ideal for me to be self-sufficient. I had all the logistics by the balls. I was over trying to date within the tiny ass town. 

The guy I met literally took my fucking breath away when I first saw him. I will never forget the fact I couldn’t figure out how to put my car in park, or park within the lines ....because I was staring at him. 

It was a lot of lust... riddled with something amazing. 

[shameless-grace-blog]

Where to Start

I never know where to start with things. How to establish a foundation and then what to build on it. But, like you I know that somehow, in my own way I am destined for greatness. 

I remember telling a guy that I was very successful and he told me that I was full of myself. I measure success in how happy I am. At that time, I was really happy with myself, thus successful.  That was in 2014, one year after the most fucked up and hardest decision I have ever made/done. I was happy to have nearly self-healed. Who cheers for the bad guy anyways? I was the anti-hero in my own life.

I guess what you just read was my starting point. I think it should flow from there.  ... No one really warns you that you are going to grow up and question every decision you have ever made. We have this ideal situation, married by late 20′s (enough time to live), fun wedding, great pics and then kids to follow. Own shit. One car, one truck. Make money.... and raise a family, get a spray tan, next botox, resent everything....

I stopped myself right when the discussion of children came up. I stopped everything. In fact, after trying to talk about it, I went ahead and ruined my marriage  to make the ending seem to make sense to everyone.  It was easier that way. And selfish as all hell. It still hurt me, but at least I didn’t give birth and hate a child. I don’t know why that looms in my mind, that I wouldn’t like my own blood. But it was my largest fear. 

Just in saying (typing ) those things I feel like I got a chance to let some of it go free. I was really afraid to fall into a Stepford wife situation. To be forced to go sit in the corner with the other wives, all prim and giggling over wine. (I never felt like I belonged in this situation, no offense).  I have always been an outsider.  Dudes generally talk about things that I can relate to. I spent 13 years fighting for respect amongst men, so I tend to gravitate to them just out of habit. I was never meant to be a trophy.

I think that’s a good place. Welcome to the mid of shameless grace. 

[shameless-grace-blog]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0J4VeHeysHU)