I did it. I finally did it!
I conjured up a bit of courage and a little confidence, and applied at the female friendly sex shop in my area. I had been daydreaming about the idea for a while but had not really given it much merit.
As a waitress I have the capability to make enough money to support myself, which I do independently. We are taught growing up that that capability is the goal. We go to school so we can find good jobs to make enough money. We make our choices primarily with the necessity of keeping ourselves afloat in mind. Once we achieve this feat we are taught not to go backward, not to take risks that could hinder our ability.
One of the best things about the service industry is that there are always shifts to pick up. After a few days of active business people want days off because they’ve made the money they need and they are content. On the other side after a few days of particularly inactive business people seem to loose hope, they don’t want to come in for the very little that’s there, they reason it’s not worth their time. These tendencies make it easy to get more work if needed.
This is a massive source of comfort for me. I keep a VERY close eye on my finances. I budget, estimate, calculate, and allocate my money very carefully and if there is going to be come kind of a problem I usually can spot it from a mile away giving me the time to pick up a shift or two and save the day. As working in a restaurant was my first job it is all I know as far as employment goes. I don’t understand how it is possible to achieve the capability of surely keeping yourself afloat when the amount of time you can work and money you can make it fixed. I idea terrifies me.
Now I understand that this is how the real world works, how regular jobs work. I’m blessed. I know it. I appreciate it and I never take it for granted. And that’s part of why it is so intimidating to think about changing that or jeopardizing that.
Today however I put these thoughts aside and picked up an application. A couple nights ago I had paid a visit to my little shop to pick up some nipple suckers and throat relaxing spray. (I’ll revisit how those purchases played out another time ;) ) As I came in I saw it. The “Now Hiring” sign.
What if? Images of myself, a more matured version, flooded my head. Then I caught my reflection in a mirror and once again was quickly reminded of the me I actually am. I put employment opportunities out of my head and instead focused on finding the perfect loot.
Since then I haven’t been able to get the idea out of my head. I compared myself to the perfect sex shop worker version of me I envisioned when I initially saw the sign. I am not her, and there is no way I can even pretend to pull that off. But then again I reasoned that I don’t need to be. I can be a younger version of her. No, I can’t walk in there with the grace and confidence of someone with many more years under their belts. No, I don’t have a knowledge base concerning the types of things I’d be dealing with, no experience in that type of an arena at all. But I’m eager, genuine, and curious. It’s a place to start. I try and remind myself of that notion, when I’m not feeling particularly good about me, how I’m developing and forming. Then I remind myself this is only the beginning. At this point there is only room for improvement. And that’s very exciting.
I think that may be an important point to life. To remember that even if something is hard it can be the beginning of a journey. We just need to be optimistic about improvement.
With this mindset I fill out my application, optimistic about the opportunity to learn.
