Who Did I Think I Am?

[whodidithinkiam-blog]

Ok folks, I’d like to be honest with you. This blog, you may have noticed by the last post, has a sexual side. Sexuality for me is a major point of interest. It fascinates me, interests me, excites me, and has me on a seemingly never ending hunt for more information. Not only my own sexuality, in...

[whodidithinkiam-blog]

A little disclaimer

Ok folks, I’d like to be honest with you. This blog, you may have noticed by the last post, has a sexual side. Sexuality for me is a major point of interest. It fascinates me, interests me, excites me, and has me on a seemingly never ending hunt for more information. Not only my own sexuality, in fact not even primarily, more so sexuality in general. How it effects people, where it comes from, what it feels like, and how we interact with it. Sexuality and sex positivity has been the only subject to keep me truly interested, the only thing I genuinely feel like could possibly be “my thing”. For a long while I have been back-burnering it as a personal hobby, something I keep secret and have only for myself. I’ve been trying to become this person I feel like I should want to be, and now I’m stopping that. I want to be me, I want to do what excites, and what I love. I want to learn and grow and discover.  And I want to share this with the world. Even if no one ever reads any of this, I want to put it out there. Be completely honest and vulnerable about my journey, so on the off chance anyone ever does read this perhaps I could be of help to one person. Make one person feel not so confused, or alone, or different. This is such a beautiful topic and I feel so lucky to have such a genuine interest, a true desire to learn.

I hope over the course of this journey I do not offend anyone, or make anyone feel poorly. It is never my attention. We are all human and I am so excited to explore that here. 

[whodidithinkiam-blog]

I did it. I finally did it! I conjured up a bit of courage and a little confidence, and applied at the female friendly sex shop in my area. I had been daydreaming about the idea for a while but had not really given it much merit.

As a waitress I have the capability to make enough money to support...

[whodidithinkiam-blog]

I did it!

I did it. I finally did it! I conjured up a bit of courage and a little confidence, and applied at the female friendly sex shop in my area. I had been daydreaming about the idea for a while but had not really given it much merit.

As a waitress I have the capability to make enough money to support myself, which I do independently. We are taught growing up that that capability is the goal. We go to school so we can find good jobs to make enough money. We make our choices primarily with the necessity of keeping ourselves afloat in mind. Once we achieve this feat we are taught not to go backward, not to take risks that could hinder our ability. 

One of the best things about the service industry is that there are always shifts to pick up. After a few days of active business people want days off because they’ve made the money they need and they are content. On the other side after a few days of particularly inactive business people seem to loose hope, they don’t want to come in for the very little that’s there, they reason it’s not worth their time. These tendencies make it easy to get more work if needed.

This is a massive source of comfort for me. I keep a VERY close eye on my finances. I budget, estimate, calculate, and allocate my money very carefully and if there is going to be come kind of a problem I usually can spot it from a mile away giving me the time to pick up a shift or two and save the day. As working in a restaurant was my first job it is all I know as far as employment goes. I don’t understand how it is possible to achieve the capability of surely keeping yourself afloat when the amount of time you can work and money you can make it fixed. I idea terrifies me.

Now I understand that this is how the real world works, how regular jobs work. I’m blessed. I know it. I appreciate it and I never take it for granted. And that’s part of why it is so intimidating to think about changing that or jeopardizing that.

Today however I put these thoughts aside and picked up an application. A couple nights ago I had paid a visit to my little shop to pick up some nipple suckers and throat relaxing spray. (I’ll revisit how those purchases played out another time ;) ) As I came in I saw it. The “Now Hiring” sign. 

What if? Images of myself, a more matured version, flooded my head. Then I caught my reflection in a mirror and once again was quickly reminded of the me I actually am. I put employment opportunities out of my head and instead focused on finding the perfect loot.

Since then I haven’t been able to get the idea out of my head. I compared myself to the perfect sex shop worker version of me I envisioned when I initially saw the sign. I am not her, and there is no way I can even pretend to pull that off. But then again I reasoned that I don’t need to be. I can be a younger version of her. No, I can’t walk in there with the grace and confidence of someone with many more years under their belts. No, I don’t have a knowledge base concerning the types of things I’d be dealing with, no experience in that type of an arena at all. But I’m eager, genuine, and curious. It’s a place to start. I try and remind myself of that notion, when I’m not feeling particularly good about me, how I’m developing and forming. Then I remind myself this is only the beginning. At this point there is only room for improvement. And that’s very exciting.

I think that may be an important point to life. To remember that even if something is hard it can be the beginning of a journey. We just need to be optimistic about improvement.

With this mindset I fill out my application, optimistic about the opportunity to learn.

-WhoDidIThinkIAm

[whodidithinkiam-blog]

“I’m spending the summer in Peru,” We’re engaged!” “I’m launching my new company next month” “We’ll be volunteering in Africa helping out in a hospital,” “I’ve been accepted to my top University” “I’m studying abroad in France for the semester.” “I’m taking a full load in school, working two jobs,...

[whodidithinkiam-blog]

What are YOU up to?

“I’m spending the summer in Peru,” We’re engaged!” “I’m launching my new company next month”  “We’ll be volunteering in Africa helping out in a hospital,” “I’ve been accepted to my top University”  “I’m studying abroad in France for the semester.” “I’m taking a full load in school, working two jobs, AND am engaged.”

“What are YOU up to?”

That question. THE question. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with any of these things, in fact I really admire the people who make them happen. But, I’m remembering the days of “How are you?” Now it’s “What are you up to?” and “Whats next?” All with the expectation of concrete plans and massive goals. Traveling, University, Starting your own business, even starting to work on a family. We all must be starting something important. Friends, family, teachers, old acquaintances, near strangers, total strangers, that guy on the bus, the woman checking my groceries at the store, everyone, all asking the same questions. I need a tee shirt that has the answer to each question they ask.

Are you still in high school?

“No, I’m all done.”

That’s great! When did you finish?

“2013.”

Oh so a couple years then. What have you been doing with your time?

*Insert awkward, stumbly explanation of the steps I’m taking to perfect my life*

Well that’s nice, but this______, really makes much more sense.

In that blank space we can insert the the game plan they’d follow if they were in our position. Our glorious position! The world is our oyster!  The possibilities are endless! We can do anything! Be anything! WE ARE THE CHANGE!

It’s the position we dream of as children, and the one we know we will long to go back to once proper adults. We know we need to make the most of this time. This is the prime time to be alive.

So why do I feel so crippled. Crippled by all of the choice. Every decision seems like it means the world, could be the beautiful start to a fantastic life, or the one thing that will wreck it all. It’s probably one of the best problems to have, too many choices. But it is still troublesome. And I don’t think that’s anything to feel bad about. I just want to get this right. 

So what was my solution?

I’M GOING TO INDIA!!!! I’M GOING TO LEARN HINDI! I’M GOING TO START EATING EXCLUSIVELY AT INDIA RESTAURANTS! I’M GOING TO READ BOOKS, LISTEN TO MUSIC, WATCH NEWS ALL ABOUT INDIA!

I began relishing the opportunity to tell people. My approval rating among those around me seemed to sky rocket.

“That’s so bold,” they’d say approvingly. “It’s so smart to go now while you’re young.” “You are SO together.”

I loved it. I love that version of myself, I want to be her so badly. That is my ideal me. I’m still not sure I won’t go. But I’m finding that even though I get excited about the idea of doing something like that, I am not excited when actually starting to try and make it happen. I’m so bored when working with my Rosetta Stone, and I already feel a little tired of the food. And trying to weed though accurate traveling information, reliable places to stay, safe ways to travel,  the validity of various laws, just feels exhausting and overwhelming. Is it supposed to be this hard. Did the people that have actually made all this happen feel like that? Like they had to force themselves into it. And if I persevere will I actually be happy?

I feel like I’ve spent so much of my life waiting for the next juncture of time to feel good. I restrict myself, hold back, take few risks, and make few deciding movements. I do this to ensure I will be the best possible me for the next chapter of my life. This is why I wonder if working so hard to make this version of myself, the version I get so excited thinking about, is just another form of postponing happiness. I may not be happy now, studying Hindi and preparing for my trip, but surly when I go, I finally will be. Right? Anyone know?

I don’t know if that’s how I want to live. Not when there’s opportunities around me that really do make me happy RIGHT NOW. That I enjoy and make me excited. Things that feel comfortable and right.

I still feel a conflict within myself. A stress that I’m messing up, that I’ll regret these decisions one day after I’ve passed this perfect position. I might change my mind a million times about what’s next. And I think that’s OK. 

I don’t want to make my choices off of what’s exciting to tell people about, but rather what’s exciting to live. I want to live a life as full of happiness as possible, rather than plagued with false expectations, and missed opportunities. I want to explore the things that interest and excite me, the things that really get my heart going. And I think it’s important to remember that just as I might wake up one day 10 years from now and regret not going, I could just as easily wake up and regret going.

-WhoDidIThinkIAm

[whodidithinkiam-blog]

I reserve strong language only for certain situations, situations inciting strong emotion, this is no different. I can’t think of any words to express the force behind the question. Who, the fuck, am I?

Truth is, I have no idea.

I turn 20 in 20 days and as this landmark birthday nears I...

[whodidithinkiam-blog]

Who the fuck am I

I reserve strong language only for certain situations, situations inciting strong emotion, this is no different. I can’t think of any words to express the force behind the question. Who, the fuck, am I?

Truth is, I have no idea.

I turn 20 in 20 days and as this landmark birthday nears I experience the troubling realization that my manual has gotten lost in the mail. My instruction book, outdated and obsolete will not be passed down to me from the last generation, as there is no point. That all telling answers I have so eagerly been awaiting will not be arriving.  As I prepare to exit my “teen years” it hits me I am little more prepared for “adult life” than I was 1, 3 and even 5 years ago.

I don’t know what to do, who to become, what to believe or how to act, or even if I should really be caring about these things right now.

Everything is confusing, disorienting, and cloudy, and the only answers out there seem to be responses like  “It’s just the age”, “It’s only a phase”, and “we have all been through it.”

Those are all well and fine, but what does that do for me? I’m a fiery bundle of nerves, insecurities, emotions, and 2nd 3rd 4th 5th and 6th thoughts on issues and opinions I thought I knew. “You’ve been where I am?“ We ask the previous generations. Highly doubtful. With the avalanche of information, news, facts played off as fictions and fiction played off as facts, not to mention the conflicting messages concerning EVERY aspect of our lives, the sentiment you’ve been here, done this and gotten the tee shirt is a bad joke. That doesn’t mean that the support and advice is completely devalued, but I think we need to acknowledge the fact that we are sort of on our own. No one knows whats up from down for sure, but I think together through shared experience, honest expression of feeling, and the power of complete vulnerability we can find whatever version of ourselves we are meant to be.

I think the key to positive development is wholehearted honestly, first with yourself, then with those we choose to surround ourselves with. Its the  exploration and shared insight that can make the difference here. I hope through this blog I can help bring that type of honesty out into the light.

-WhoDidIThinkIAm