Pioneering International Hospital DeMystifiying Vampire Health
BUDAPEST, Hungary — "Honestly, picking the name was the hardest part!" said Dr. Wilhelmina Van Helsing.
She has a stately office that looks into the lobby of Voivode Vlad III Hospital and Hospice which doesn't have a lot of natural light as many members of the vampire community have mild to severe sunlight allergies.
Of course, the locals generally refer to the place as "Dracula's Hospital."
Old habits.
You can see the Danube from the roof, but it's not close to any of the iconic views of the city and the building itself is aggressively modern with an exterior mezzanine surrounding the entire structure where most of the offices are located.
At the main entrance, there is a statue of the buildings name sake with an inscription in Hungarian: "Végre meglátom a Napot a családommal."
"At last, I see the sun, with my family."
Who that family is, is often debated but many, many people make the claim.
When Voivode Vlad III Dracula of Wallachia died, there was a massive weeklong funeral, but also a celebration, of his life and achievements.
His lasting contributions to medical sciences saved millions of lives across many communities but superstitions and religious factions insisted he was still alive and conspiracy theories abounded.
When I bring up conspiracy theories, of course, Van Helsing couldn't hide her disgust. Like her great-grandfather, she has a strong jawline of the Van Helsing's but there is a softness in her eyes from the Harker side of the family.
"Vampires are not magical beings, they have regular lifespans and they can take two the three times as long to die of old of age, certainly, but they do die. All human bodies grow old, and wear and tear is par for the course." She said.
"Vampires believing themselves to be immortal has actually been the worst thing for the vampire community itself," she said.
We are walking toward the dining hall as she speaks and as it is daytime, the overall activity level of the hospital is very low.
The daytime staff is largely human as well and during the day shift the dining hall serves more human food, from pan-European, Asian and Middle-Eastern delicacies to more standard western fare like burgers and fries.
It is, after all, an international institution.
There are also blood packs being stocked in refrigerated units in a circular formation at the center of dining hall.
"While vampires are stronger, and more durable than people to a certain extent, they can still get many diseases humans get and in some regards, those diseases are far worse for vampires. Respiratory diseases, such as Covid, have permanent consequences for vampires, especially unvaccinated vampires."
Van Helsing spear-headed studies of vampire physiology with the same vigor as the COVID-19 vaccine development. Her initial theory - that turned out to be entirely correct - is because vampires' entire diet consists primarily of blood and water - though it should be supplemented with electrolytes - their repository functionality is actually their most critical physiological need, followed closely by kidney and liver function which are more robust than humans in the baseline, but if impeded by disease a vampire can become weaker than a baseline human and yes, die.
Much like many people subject to the evils of white supremacy, vampire populations were subjugated, murdered, and even experimented on in some cases.
Biologically, vampire genetics have only recently been studied and the human genome project revealed them to be more human than anything else.
This discovery was not without controversy.
Nore was Van Helsing herself.
"That goddamned novel," she grimaced as she bit into a precariously stuffed hoagie and continued to speak around the food. "It kills me because Stoker was a big friend of the family and he wrote it as kind of a joke!"
A brown sauce drips down her chin as finishes chewing and swallows.
"I couldn't say; I only heard about him Grandad Vlad, but he never said anything bad about him," she said. "It seemed like he missed him, and he'd outlived so many people by the end, he was just very melancholy,"
Vampire's greater durability and longer lives contribute to what is currently decimating the oldest generation of the vampire community: suicide.
Dr. Mahmood Ibn DuPris, a psychologist specializing in meta-human mental health has many concerns about the vampire community that suicide is chief among them.
DuPris has a calm, soothing demeanor but there is an undercurrent of intensity there because his first job was with the United States Veterans Administration. He is noticeably thin, in a very stately cardigan and button-down that gives him a college professor vibe.
"The whole idea of vampires being monsters and murderers is, of course, false," he said over tea in his office.
"A vampire can thrive on almost any kind of blood from any living thing on earth," he said. "It's a volume issue and it's actually good for vampires, mentally and physically, to have a good variety."
Mammals have hemoglobin, but there are also hemocyanin, erythrocruorin-chlorocruorin, and hemerythrin, the four major classes of respiratory fluids.
"If it bleeds, you should eat it," DuPris said, making reference to an Arnold Schwarzenegger film from the 1980s but also quoting a Vampire Nutrional Health poster I saw in a few languages around the facility.
What is an obscure reference to many today, it is actually a good way to reach the most recent generation of vampires because two counterculture movements - punk rock and goth - saw the vampire population explode around the world.
"Most importantly," Dr. Van Helsing said, "That taught us all that vampires are not a contagion. It's an inherited trait and 'half vampires' don't exist."
This took me by surprise and Van Helsing explained further, but the first thing she made clear is that all DNA exists in all humans. Van Helsing's team - none of whom wished to be identified specifically - pointed to the possibility of heteropaternal superfecundation, which, in very rare cases can create a pair of twins with two different skin tones but identical features.
With vampires, the gene to make them a vampire can be carried by either parent, and if one parent is a vampire the chance of having a vampire child initially is only fifty percent. After that? The chance actually appears to go down.
However, if both parents are vampires, which became common in the 70's and 80's, then it's seventy-five percent for every child.
This is the revolutionary aspect of their research because vampire families were often extremely subdued about their biological needs.
Those mostly vampire families are among the strongest, but even so parents would often outlive non-vampire children, which is psychologically taxing.
Siblings outliving siblings that are the same age is also common and another stressor for vampires.
Then all their human acquaintances, spouses, and fellow service members should a vampire choose to - and be allowed to - serve in their country's military.
"The military suicide rate is dreadfully high," said Du Pris. "Add being a vampire and the GWOT [Global War on Terror - ed] generation? One is too many, as we say, but 20% is a bloody health crisis."
While the average vampiric nutritional need is roughly three and a half pints of any respiratory fluids - about 2275 calories - the most common method for vampires to attempt suicide is sunlight.
Sunlight doesn't turn vampires into dust. They do burn badly and far quicker than a human exposed to a desert sun, but it is not fast enough, and vampires tend to change their minds and seek medical attention.
This is why, initially, the ER at Voivode Vlad III Hospital and Hospice was the busiest from sunrise to sunset for six months.
To recover from prolonged sunlight exposure, it takes, in addition to painkillers, ten to fifteen pints - 6500 to 9750 - of blood directly fed to them to prevent permanent damage and to ensure no increase in long-term susceptibility to cancer.
Vampires are exceptionally susceptible to cancer to begin with.
"And we will find out why," said Van Helsing. "What is good for vampires is good for everyone in nearly every sense."