#newsblast

[cultfaction]

newsBLAST - 8/8/23

Our weekly news update full to the brim with all things cult TV and movies… https://cultfaction.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/news-8th-august.mp3

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[rohansoni1998]

Eid Mubarak 🌛 @mcreationsbolly | #mcreationsbolly | @newsblasttv | #NewsBlast | @movementcreationsllp | #movementcreationsllp | #stayhome | #staysafe | #covidindia https://www.instagram.com/p/COzkKGehq8d/?igshid=ovck7cjlscdy

[ncshgossip-blog]

~NEWS BLAST~

i was going to wait a bit before making this announcement, but what’s the fun in that? anyways, it seems like our favorite trust-fund baby and our other former new york resident have been getting a little too friendly for the trustafarian latin lover’s liking. though it’s unclear if it’s the trust-fund baby’s shortening of our new york casanova’s name is what bothers our puerto-rican stud, we do know that tensions are bubbling to the surface. oh, and by the way, what do you get when you put together an inseminated condom and a spoiled brat’s beloved cat? 

love always,

c

[plant-dad-sulu]

🍍

Pineapple🍍: We never talk but I care about you!

I care about you too anon!

[tobyscott]

Gove "to reintroduce urchins"

Newsblast (London, June 21). Education Secretary will set out the Government's plans to reintroduce urchins, oiks and waifs in a speech today. Coming soon after the leaked plans to bring back O-levels and GCSEs, Mr Gove will detail the ways in which "the country will return to the economic growth and moral values of the British Empire."

The new urchins will be selected from the poorest-performing 10% in state secondary schools. After a brief training course, they will be equipped with a forelock to tug when in the presence of a social better, and, in the words of Mr Gove, "A cheeky sense of the rough and tumble, free-living, street-sleeping lifestyle of the modern urchin."

Based on standard tests administered at 12, thicker pupils being kept in school will be given oik training. Primary school pupils whose parents can no longer afford their mortgage payments will be given the option of becoming waifs or emigrating to Australia on a converted Royal Navy destroyer.

The proposals are already attracting some controversy, as the plan only initially applies to boys. Girls will be given the options at 15 of completing their education in one of: housewifery, barmaid studies (only available to those willing or able to become "busty") or disappearing for a few years before returning as a tart with a heart of gold and a dark secret. Smarter girls with an interest in natural sciences or medicine may be allowed to become nursing assistants at 16, spending 5 years cleaning bedpans and changing dressings before catching the eye of a bachelor surgeon. Young ladies will be sent to finishing schools in the French Alps before being presented at court and marrying an elderly second cousin.

Mt Gove also announced the reopening of the Aldermaston nuclear research plant "simply to give something for lefties to march against." Communities Secretary Eric Pickles is believed to be working on a new building code that will require new homes to have a chimney "just wide enough for a six year old with a J-cloth to shin up."