Discover Top Posts Tagged with #newt vent

Fuck. Fuck! Why does this happen.

Who made me like this and what the fuck was wrong with them. Every part of me hurts in so many ways. Hope lies and lies and won't let me kill it. Falling into itself forever.

It all feels bloody and lonely and endless. What next?

Wait for tomorrow and hope it reminds me why this shit is worth it.

#newt vent #swearing

Yeah it's feeling sorry for myself but after suddenly being reminded that the only reason people stopped acting towards me like a pack of dogs to a rabbit is because of me getting better at not looking like such an easy target maybe it's the least of my concerns right now. Maybe some times it just hurts and maybe I don't want to kill the part of me that is reckless enough to care about that.

#newt vent #just me being a mess of a thing #maybe actually it's not some unforgivable sin to be a mess though #maybe it's actually just a thing involving me and maybe people who want to abuse me out of it can go drown in a bog somewhere

Yelling about my sad on tumbler

No one able help here either but some one might hear

And that feels less lonely

#Ow my head and chest and tummy and mind #Newt vent #Too stressed to fix #Now have to wait it out #hate hate hate #Bad #Feeling why?#It better be better by tomorrow

discovered very big trauma trigger and now all the feelings from then are back

#newt vent #all feels very new again

self hatred steals so much energy

teaching self to stop self hatred also takes much energy

the worst part is right in the middle where both have to happen at once

#newt vent #and keep having to learn and re learn and forget and remember

Why my writing changes?

Because memory, thinking, feeling, seeing, making words, typing letters, understanding of world - all unstable.

Because when a new change happens it takes time + effort + practice + testing to figure out how to work around it. Every. Single. Time.

People expect me to stay exactly the same but everything in my life can change after many years or few minutes with no warning at all.

People who make up stories about me won't ever care about this. Matters for me though, getting to say this.

#angry tired scared #but hate that people get to make up stories about me and pretend they know anything about me #newt vent

doesn't help that people feel like trust is something that is earned and owed and stolen and taken away as punishment for being bad

and not like a reflection of my own thinking which is known for being wrong some times and includes paranoia

#newt vent #oh this one normal talk opened a lot boxes in my memories that were meant to stay shut #but sure let's use me as the one who measures out who gets owed the most trust that won't go horribly wrong for anyone

Way to tell someone 'this casual conversation is a deep reminder of trauma and you are scaring me and if we don't stop i will cry and probably loose much of my trust for you' without being a manipulative bitch?

(rhetorical question )

#newt vent #sadly that shows a weakness which is not happening in this scenario #swearing #way to tell someone else that you feel awful you can't say why and you are desperate for someone to talk to who feels kind of safe #without putting pressure on them to deal with my issues for me?

#newt vent

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